Pink Tumor Road

The essence of my lady

2011-06-01T18:52:00.000-07:00

The essence of my lady

(Pink Tumor Road final entry, by Mike Jansky)

A memorial service will be held for Patty at 11:00, Saturday, June 4, 2011, at Central United Protestant Church in Richland, Washington. In lieu of flowers, at Patty's wish, donations could be made in Patty's name to a college fund account that has been established at GESA Credit Union (any branch) for her daughter Peyton, to any cancer society, or to the Mid-Columbia Ballet. This will be the final entry for Patty's blog.

There is no measure to the remarkable essence of Patty Taylor. Those of you who simply have read this blog know a part of her. Those of you that have had the privilege and honor of meeting her know more. There is the grace, dignity, and intelligence of the beautiful lady. There is Patty's passion for life and her love of family and friends. There is the courage, the energy, the determination. There is the compassion, the caring, the gentleness, the calm. There is the work ethic that earned, deservedly so, the respect of her peers and superiors. There is the personality attribute of giving freely, while expecting nothing in return. Patty could enter a room and brighten the spirits of everyone in it. Never claiming to be perfect, there is much that is generally considered right and good in a person that made Patty who she is and was.

We cannot forget the controlled anger and hurt toward her cancer. There was no 'fairness' here, but as it was with Patty she worked to fight it, understand it; the key was to live with cancer, not die because of it. She chronicled much of it in this blog, sharing both joy and pain, honestly reflecting her feelings of times of loneliness, uncertainty and fear, but always, always, hope.

Patty is, and was, my lady; my treasure, my dream, my love. Patty did not choose to leave. She controlled that which she could, as best as she was able, with what was availaable.

There are so many people who were impacted by Patty in so many ways. Patty's mother and father (Jean and Red) were unwavering in love and support of their daughter. Patty's children (Peyton and Houston), and her grandson (Jessie James) and his mother (Elena) were the light of Patty's life. Patty's friends and acquaintances are legion, all of whom lifted Patty's spirits. That level of energy deserves so much, but to all of you, I simply say 'Thank you' from the heart, which says it all. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers; your notes, your calls, your visits. Thank you for the gift of time with Patty. Thank you for the cards, meals, and donations. Hopefully, in closing this blog, as you read Patty's words they should be taken as they were given, honestly and freely with knowledge that the journey is not taken isolated and alone, and with the hope that there will one day be a cure.

To Patty, Believe, LAAF, Mike

2011-05-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

My mother's memorial will be held at The Central United Protestant Church (1124 Stevens Dr. Richland, WA) on Saturday June 4th at 11am. As per my mom's wishes, instead of sending flowers, please donate to a cancer society in her honor or to a college fund for me if you wish. The account for the college fund is in the process of being set up at HAPO Credit Union and when it is open I will post the information on here. Thank you all for your prayers and support through this long journey.

2011-05-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Today at 5:15 my mom lost her battle to cancer. I will post more information later about a memorial service. But please do not send flowers, there will be an account set up for donations which I will give information about at a later time.

2011-05-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

My mom saw the oncologist on Wednesday and the prognosis is not as good as we would have hoped. Dr. Rado said that it is time for the disease to take its course and to keep her as pain free as possible. Because of this, we have started her on hospice care. Please keep her in your prayers.

2011-05-07T13:03:00.000-07:00

This is Peyton again. My mom is feeling a little better the past few days and is somewhat up for visitors. Short visits are great but only long enough for a quick hello and only when she is up to it. If you would like to visit, call my grandma (her mother) and see how my mom is doing first and when the best time to come would be. If you need my grandparents number, please get ahold of me and I can give it to you.

2011-05-03T19:41:00.001-07:00

This is Patty's daughter Peyton. I just wanted to let you all know that she is not doing very well lately. She spent part of the weekend in the hospital after a fall on thursday night. She is very weak and is staying with her parents for the time being. Because she is so weak, she is not really up for visitors. She will be taking time off of treatment in hopes of regaining some strength back. I will keep you updated as I see fit.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well I have done nothing for Easter yet. My mom has purchased all the food and she is doing the cooking later. I have boiled eggs, but they haven't been dyed yet. I am hoping that Jessie can come over and dye eggs. I am stopping by after church to get his easter basket. Like I said, I haven't done anything yet!

I'll blog later. Happy Bunny day! He has risen. He has risen indeed!

Long Overdue Update

2011-04-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has taken me a week to update you on my life status! Its been a rough round with the broken shoulder, it hurts like the dickens and just when I think its getting better, I trip and fall and hurt it all over again. I have fallen down the stairs again and then again on the patio when I was getting out of the chair. I just lost my balance and fell and couldn't get up. I was alone and almost hit the emergency button, but was able to use the chair to bring myself upright again. But it sure did hurt my shoulder. Again. I see the doctor tomorrow for another dose of chemo so I might have them xray it again to make sure I didn't do any further damage. I was waning myself off the pain pills and I am still working on that, but the additional falling has taken its toll on my pain threshhold. I am still down to the 20mg oxycontin rather than the 30 or 40 mg which keeps me from being so dopey and then I take the hydrocodone and oxycodone in between since they seem to keep me a little more sober. I got a leg brace the other day which has really helped my walking and sense of balance. You wouldn't know with me falling, but I feel more sturdy and confident. The brace goes under my foot to keep my foot from drooping, which will theoretically keep me from catching my foot and falling. Then it comes up and wraps around my shin and keeps my leg stable. I can really feel the difference with and without it. I get up in the morning and once I weasel my self to sitting upright on the side of the bed I do my exercises to strengthen my toes and feet. My PT gave me a series of exercises that seem to be helping a little, but its hard since my feet are so numb and droopy. But anything that might give me an advantage walking steady is worth doing. I then move on to my daily devotion that a friend gave me that really starts my day with the right attitude. Its Chuck Swindoll daily devotion and I read the devotion and then spend a little time talking to God very honestly about how I feel about the day, about Him, about my treatment. I plea for blessings and healing, for my family and friends. We have an honest conversation which is enlightening starts the day out right. Then the brace goes on and stays on the rest of the day until I go to bed. The fatigue gets completely overwhelming at times and I spend a goodly part of my day resting and reading. My parents have been such a help staying on top of things around the house, cleaning, cooking, walking the dogs. They are incredible and I can't imagine life without them. My arm is really starting to get sore, so I am going to knock it off for the night. I'll try to write again sooner. God bless you. Keep praying.

Break?

2011-04-04T16:56:00.000-07:00

Well, this is the deal.

I saw Dr. Rado today and we addressed a whole host of issues from dry mouth to skin sores. It seems that every time I see the doctor my list of side effects grows along with the medications they put me on to fight those side effects. Today I left with four new medications to add to the 12-14 that I am already on. A few of them are short term, so they will go away in a week, but it seems so crazy to me the constant barrage of medications. It seems there is a medication to fight the side effects of the medication!

Anyway...

My platelets haven't moved one point. They remain at 44 which means I can't take the new chemo, Tramadol, which is just fine with me. I am sick of taking chemo and adding another one didn't fill my heart with happiness anyway. So no new chemo. Yea me! We spent quite a bit of time on when I should take a break from everything for a little while. The evidence of my platelets not coming up shows how tired my body is and that it is becoming unable to rebound anymore. Basically it needs a rest. We discussed stopping right now, but decided that I will do one more round (two doses) of Avastin in April and then assess after we do all my scans in May and if there is either no improvement or (hopefully) an improvement then I will take a month or two off everything. I will get to rest!!! Which means that when my family comes up for my birthday in late May I will feel good, I will be able to enjoy my family. I'LL BE ABLE TO TASTE AND ENJOY MY CAKE!!!! The plan is that both my brothers and their wives will be visiting for the weekend and I think we should just skip to my 50th birthday, that way I'll be sure to celebrate that milestone...

Okay, maybe not, but it sounds good. We will just go ahead and celebrate 48 and be glad for it. That is a good age too.

So dose one of my Avastin is in and I'll do another dose in two weeks and then in early May we'll do a bone scan, full body CT scan and an MRI of my brain. My prayer is that it will show an improvement in my brain and all clear everyplace else. We figured that it would be better to get one more dose in and working before the scans to give me the best chance of an improvement. Fight. That's my job for the next month. Fight and fight hard. Then I'll get to take a break. I know that I will be doing some form of treatment for this cancer for the rest of my life, so I'll do the best I can to make it a good strong fight. One worthy to be proud of; worthy to hold my head up and say look, see me, I can duke it out with the best of them. Cancer, you are not going to take me down, I may have to fight the rest of my life; but it will get better, I'll take a break and get stronger and I will overcome cancer. Its a fight I just can't lose. I have too much to live for and I plan on living good.

Trust

2011-04-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

I struggled my way up this morning and made the decision to go to church no matter how tired I was or how hard it was to move. I knew God had a message for me, and maybe for you too. I was right. I have to admit that I am angry with God right now. Why me? This is so unfair that me and my family have to endure this horrible cancer this incredible burden. Why, when I did everything right, living a good healthy life and was struck with this horrible disease. And it doesn't just affect me, it affects my whole family. It is unfair to my children, my partner, my parents and my friends. I have shared this with God too, that I am mad at Him and I don't understand why He gave me this burden to carry, it is such a heavy load and is wearing all of us down so much. But today I was reminded that He knows the burden He has laid upon me and He has a purpose, I just can't see the big picture. God knows my past, present and future. He knows if I am going to survive, He wants me to learn to trust in Him and carry His torch no matter what the cost or consequences. My favorite passage is in Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and go and pray to Me and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search with all your heart." I was reminded of this promise today. He does have a plan for me, even if I can't see it clearly. I just have to keep fighting every day and keep my faith strong. Its waning some days, my faith, and it is a heavy load to just keep my chin up and keep believing. But that is what I am called to do. Keep faith that God sees the bigger picture and that He will direct my path, no matter where it leads. Even if it leads to a place where I don't want to go. I have to trust God will go there with me.

We are all going to die. Its a matter of when and how. And when we do, God is going to be there with us. He is going to walk across that void with us and we will not be alone. We will meet our maker and the reasons for our trials will become evident. The Plan will become clear. I wish I had that plan now. I want to know if I am going to live or die; truly I want to live and I want to live long and good. There is more I want to do and see and say and write and experience. But that is not my decision, All I can do is keep fighting every moment of every day and trust not in my own understanding. Cuz, you know what? I really don't get it. I don't get the unfairness of it all and I probably never will. That's not my job. My job is just to trust God, no matter where He leads. And to show that trust to others. Be a beacon of light on a dark cold night and give light and love where there has been sorrow and pain. I need that in my life and I need to share that in yours.

So that is what I heard in church today. I think it was worth getting up and dressed for. And I believe I was meant to share it with you. I am working on forgiving God, He can handle my anger, but He needs me to forgive and trust. So that is what I am working on. Forgiveness and trust. I pray for it fervently; along with healing. More than anything, I want to be healed and go back to my life but in the meantime; I need to trust and forgive God the burdens He has lain on me. There is a reason, even if it is very unclear. Hopefully I am helping someone along the way, showing light and life where there is darkness and pain. So I pray for healing while I work on forgiving God the burdens He has lain on me. Its the best I can do for now.

Pray for Life

2011-04-02T13:04:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a few days, its been a really rough week. The broken shoulder has caused me alot of pain so the medical team upped my pain medication which has made me totally listless and lethargic. I can barely move this week. I go from my chair to bed and don't do much inbetween. I did go to my exercise class this Thursday hoping it would pep me up, but it just made my legs more tired and I was even more lethargic than before. So I am taking the pain medication back down regardless of my shoulder pain. I would rather have a little pain than have my head so full of fog. So I am contending with pain in the hopes of clearing my head. I don't like this indeterminable mist I am living in so we are hoping if I don't take as much pain medication the fog will lift. I sure hope so. This continual fatigue is getting very old. I don't know how long I can live like this.

I see Dr. Rado on Monday and we have a list of questions; first being - when can I take a break? My body is overwhelmed. If bringing the pain meds down doesn't clear my head and make me feel better, than maybe I need a break from treatment. I haven't really had a break since we went to the Bahamas in August so I think my body is just plain worn out. So what Mike and I are hoping is that we do this next treatment, I suffer through another month of chemo and after I get my scans in early May there is enough of an improvement that I could take a few months off and recover a bit. If my platelets don't come up I won't be able to take the Tramadol, which I am okay with. I am so sick of being on chemo that skipping the Tramadol is just fine with me. I am banking on the Gammaknife working.

I am beginning to wonder if this is my life. Am I going to spend my remaining days on this earth fighting this disease. When Kim lost her battle so suddenly it sure made me wonder if I might suddenly lose my battle without warning. I hope the fatigue and lethargy I have been feeling are medication related, not symptom related. In other words, I hope the tumors are shrinking not getting bigger and the only way to know if the tumors are growing are an MRI which is not scheduled until May. Until then I just hope I can deal with all these damn side effects and start feeling a little better so I can get around and have more of a life. My life consists of simply existing right now, and I want more from life than that. I want to live. And the way I feel, living isn't what I do, I simply take up space and oxygen. I want more. I want a life not just an existence. I am ready to take up my sword and live again. Even though I can't go back to work, there are things I want to do and I have to feel better to start doing them! So pray for me to feel better soon and be able to start living again. This current life is sure getting old.

I am ready to have my energy back and be able to walk the dogs and work in the yard and be a productive member of society again! Pray I can get my life back!

Broken!

2011-03-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I need to be more careful. I told you that I fell coming into the house after church last week and hurt my shoulder. Since it wasn't getting better I told the doctor about it and they xrayed it, then did a CT and found that I broke the top of my humerous bone in my shoulder. The good news is that the break is not cancer related, there are no metastatic lesions which preceeded the break, it just broke. I fell today too, but caught myself against the wall, which tells me that I REALLY need to be more careful. I get too complacent going up and down these stairs and catch my foot and that's it...I trip and fall. So, I am slowing down and holding the handrails and going slower so this doesn't happen again. There is nothing that can be done. They could put me in a sling and immobilize the shoulder so it doesn't hurt as much, but other than that, its just going to take 3 weeks or so to heal enough so the pain recedes. I don't want to wear a sling so I am just going to not use my arm as much as possible. They have changed my pain meds so that I don't have to take so many pills and it should control the pain better. So that's the plan. Pain control and try not to use my right arm. Yeah right. I am right handed, its going to be near impossible to not use my arm! I'll use it the least I can. That's the best I can do. At least I know why my shoulder hurts and isn't getting better! Its not all in my head, I really did break something. I got some bad news today; one of the ladies that was on the retreat in Utah lost her battle with cancer. It is so sad and I certainly didn't see it coming. She was energetic and vivacious and filled her world with light. A joy to be around. We all thought she was battling like the rest of us and the loss has been met with disbelief. It could be any of us. I hate thinking that I could wake up one day and this cancer has taken over my body and is taking my life. Metastatic breast cancer is a sneaky and malicious disease. One day you are successfully fighting it back and the next day it is taking over for good, no more fight left, the cancer has won. I try not to think of it. I try to think that I will always be in the lead in the fight, winning; but I know there is always the chance that I will lose this battle. But, like Kim, I hope to leave behind alot of joy and light. If I die, my prayer is that the light I leave behind is brighter than the darkness of this disease. So I will let my light shine, no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the situation. Shine on light, shine on.

Sore Arm

2011-03-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Its been a rough week. I can't remember if I told you this, but I fell on my face coming in the door from church Sunday. I fell so hard that the door hit the wall and the handle put a hole in it. When I did, I hit my shoulder and it has been hurting like the dickens all week. I went to the PT on Tuesday and she thinks that I probably hurt my rotator cuff and it is going to take a while to heal. In the meantime, everytime I raise my arm it causes excruitiating pain. I am putting on essential oils, peppermint, and using a heating pad to alleviate some of the discomfort. It does help a little.

It has been nice spending time with Bob and Sue and getting to know them. Sue is a sweetheart and wonderful to be around and Bob is just as I remember as a child; an overprotective big brother doting on his little sis.

The fatigue is what gets me the most. I am so incredibly tired. I could sleep forever. The other day I slept until 5:30pm and woke up totally disoriented thinking it was 5:30 in the morning, then went back to bed at 8pm and slept all the way through to the next day except when I would roll over on my shoulder and the pain would wake me up. So, although I am really tired, I am not sleeping well, it is interrupted sleep. Probably doesn't help the fatigue...

So onward I go, one day at a time trying to keep my attitude good and my heart filled with love and joy.

Update

2011-03-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

What is your cross to bear?

We all have our crosses to bear within our lives, burdens that seem so overwhelming that we believe there is no way we can make it through. But somehow we do, we make it through that moment, then the second and then the entire day is done; and the cross is still being dragged on your back but the burden seems slightly lighter. Thats when you realize that you are being carried on the wings of the prayers of your friends and family. They have wrapped their prayers around you like loving arms of support and carried you through the day. What a revelation it is, that God has sent His angels in human form all for you. So you could make it through the day.

That's how I feel, I feel you there holding me up, thank you for your love and security and willingness to do God's bidding. Its getting me through.

I am excited for an upcoming visitor. I have a half brother who lives in Pennsylvania who we had lost touch with who it coming to visit tomorrow. Bob and his wife Sue are flying in tomorrow and staying for a week. I am looking forward to getting to know him. Its been over 20 years, he's never even met my daughter; in fact didn't even know I had a daughter until about 5 years ago. So its going to be a gala reunion. Wish Bill could be here too, then we'd have the whole family! But they couldn't get their flights coordinated so I'll have to see them separately. But at least I get to see them! Brother Bill and Rhonda are coming back up for my birthday at the end of May, maybe Bob can find a cheap flight and come up too, what a great birthday that would be!!

I had chemo today, but they held off on the new chemo, temodar, since my platelets have dropped so low. They are down below 50, so I need to be really careful, I am at risk for bleeds and if I were to hit my head it could be catastrophic. I fell coming in the house yesterday after church. I tripped coming in the front door and landed flat on my face. I hit the door so hard that it slammed into the wall and the doorknob put a hole in the wall. So I need to be extra careful. They are going to check my platelets again on Monday and hope that they come up to a safer level. Over 100 would be great.

Tomorrow I have a facial and then I am going to try to do my exercise class. Last week I was just too tired and weak to do the class. Hopefully my energy level will increase enough for me to do a little bit. I think it is good for me.

I learned recently that my friend in Seattle who is fighting leukemia lost her husband. He was in a car accident back on 12.30 and has been in Harborview ever since. Unfortunately he lost his battle and I worry about Chris. He was her life long partner and caregiver during the battle with this heinous leukemia. But she is a strong woman, with a good support group. I have faith she can make it through.

I'll try to do better blogging. I just have been so tired that all I want to do is sleep. So I am letting my body sleep when it needs which takes most of my days! Be assured that I am okay and that I have alot of people taking care of me. I am well tended for; and with the addition of all your prayers, I'm making it through. Thanks for being an angel in my sometimes dark and dismal world. Your halos are shining bright.

Joy

2011-03-16T15:08:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you experienced total unadulterated joy? The type of joy that radiates from your very pores and surrounds you with a rich and velvet satiny sheen. A palatable glow that can be observed by others and they can not only SEE your joy, but actually feel your glee, your merriment, your total and complete elation for this day oozing into them. Or maybe its just for this moment, but it is here, it can be sensed and experienced. Its become an aura that surrounds you and its glow rubs on to all those around you and permeates their pores and then they catch the joy. And it spreads and proliferates and moves and twirls and surrrounds all those near it. Joy. Pure joy. It is a rare thing, this joy of ours, and it can only come from within us and is given to us by God. He hastens to place it there in times of dire need, when all else is failing in your life He gives you joy. And when you get it, it should be shared with everyone you come in contact with since it is such a rare and exquisite commodity.

I found that joy today. It was only for a few moments, I couldn't sustain it, but I grasped on to it and held it as tight as I could and let it trickle through my fingers and fall on the ground around me. I let it splash on to anyone I could find and let them feel the joy. And it spread a smile onto their faces because they didn't know what was happenening, they only knew that they felt better. They felt different because joy was overtaking them and they didn't even know.

So the next time you feel that joy, share it. Willfully and purposefully. Give it to everyone you can. The world will be a better place for your kindness and readiness to share this beautiful gift you share with God. Give it freely. Joy. Its puts a smile all around.

So tired.

2011-03-12T14:58:00.000-08:00

I continue to get increasingly fatigued. I keep thinking that I will wake up one morning and just feel like my old self again, but it ain't happenen. The other day I slept all day, woke up for two hours and went back to sleep until the next day. Its weird. I am such an energetic person that this lack of vivacity is puzzling. My mom reminded me today all that my body has gone through in the last week, heck, the last two years, and it is probably just worn out from the barrage of chemicals and then the brain "surgery" on top of it all. I remember back over five years ago when I was having daily radiation on my breast site. By the end of 36 doses I was so tired it was overwhelming. Radiation does odd things to the body, fatigue being one of them. My friend Sherri was also doing radiation at the same time back then and I remember her calling me because she was at the store and had to make a decision and was too tired to make either a rational or irrational decision. She couldn't decide on anything. She knew I would understand. When you are doing radiation the brain simply doesn't work right. There is this fog, this mist that coats your brain and makes you unable to think clearly. I think of the high dose I received last week and I guess the incredible fatigue makes more sense when you put it all together like that. Not to mention, I have have two doses of Avastin, two doses of Tamadar and one does of Zomeda in the last two weeks. Not a minor hit to the body. So I am getting rest and waiting for it to pass. I didn't make exercise class on Thursday, my legs just wouldn't have supported me and last night we were supposed to go to a concert and Mike took one look at me and said no way, you'll never make it through the first five minutes! I had to agree, we'd get there and I'd fall asleep. It upset me, not only had he bought tickets but I thoroughly enjoy Tingstad and Rumble. They are one of my favorite duos. Oh well, they will be back, they come a couple of times per year, I'll still be around to see them again.

A friend of mine has set up a really cool thing for me to cheer me up. She put a basket by my front door and every Friday someone will surprise me with a special gift. Isn't that awesome! I look forward to what people bring me. It could be a chocolate bar or a churro, a candle or a DVD, it doesn't matter, its the not knowing what it will be and the fact that people are still thinking and praying for me after all this time, coming up on two years. I would think people would start forgetting about it, but my friends are true friends, not only have they not forgotten me, they continue to find ways to lift me up when I am down. What a gift that is. To know undeniably that I am loved, cared for and prayed for every moment of every day. I truly believe that. With all the people who stay in touch, I can't believe that a moment passes where God does not hear my name. Hopefully He will get tired of it, cure me and set me free!

I was asked about dinners again and I am considering it. Maybe just twice per week so we don't get overwhelmed. Its just Peyton and I and we can get too much food really quickly. So I will get ahold of Nicole and she may arrange some meals for me. It would be nice to not have to worry about food a few nights a week. So if you are interested in providing food, I'll be in contact with Nicole and she will set it up.

Well I am tired, so that's all for now. I still can't drive, which makes me crazy, but I still don't have good control over my right side and the strength in the right leg. I would hate to be driving down clearwater in traffic and all the sudden I lose control of my leg. I could hurt someone and for that I would not be able to forgive myself. Once I feel confident I can drive safely, I'll start making short trips to the cancer center or store. Close places with low risk of injury. Probably a few more weeks. I just want to be safe. But loosing that independence is really tough. I can't wait to get it back. Soon. Hopefully soon.

Love to you all, be kind to each other. Each other is all we got!

Improving

2011-03-09T18:35:00.000-08:00

I know its been a while since I blogged and for that I apologize. But it has been a rough week following the GammaKnife procedure. My headaches have been terrible and my balance and weakness has gotten the best of me. I get rides to my various appointments, then come home and sleep most of the afternoon. The exhaustion and fatigue is overwhelming and I am doing the best I can to just put one foot in front of the other. My brother and his wife were up over the weekend and it was wonderful to see them, I was just so tired I wish I could have spent more time enjoying their company. But we got to have meals together and do a little shopping, which is always our favorite pasttimes!

I continued to do my exercise class this week. I did what I could, which wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. Like I said my balance is way off, so I have to hold on to chairs and walls as I go through the movements in order to keep from falling down. Unfortunately my yoga class has been canceled, there was not enough interest to keep the class going.

I take my meds on schedule with Mike's help. For some reason I get really confused when and how much to take so Mike calls me round the clock to remind me. Even at 4am every day. The other morning I was in the bathroom at 4am plus I had my phone turned down and I look up and there he stands, in the bathroom door making sure that I was okay, which I was. He had me take my pills and was on his way and I was back asleep, barely ever awaking. What a man to take such good care of me. Between he and my parents they shuffle me around to my various appointments, Mike attends all the doctor and chemo appointments and makes sure I stay on track. Its all so overwhelming. I thank God I have him.

Dinner is almost ready, so all for now. I'll take my meds at 8pm when Mike calls me and I will be in bed by 9 or 10. I just don't have the energy to stay up very late and I count so much on that voice on the other end of the line that loves me so.

Keep praying for a good outcome. My bone scan, MRI and CT are scheduled for early May so we won't know until then how well the Gamma Knife worked. I have high hopes. And I know I don't want to do this again, but at least I know its there if I need it again.

More Mini Seizures

2011-03-04T10:38:00.001-08:00

I seem to be recovering except I lost control of my right side again today and collapsed on the floor in the bathroom. I went to step to the sink and my leg had been twitching so I should have known better and down I went. Then my right side went numb, my hand clenched and I couldn't straighten or use my hand, arm or leg. This happened twice yesterday only luckily I was seated so I could just move over to the bed and lay down until it passes. My arm didn't go numb yesterday it was just the uncontrollable shaking leg. The second time wasn't as bad as the first yesterday and today's was awful. I have a call into my nurse at Swedish to ask her what to do. Maybe there is more swelling than they anticipated and I need to up the amount of decadron I am taking. I'll just wait and see what the doctor says. Mom showed up right after I collapsed so she got me downstairs and into my lazyboy while it passes, which it has. Thank goodness. I just sit and wait for the next time, but pray there isn't another one!

Until then I sit and rest and I know what to do when the symptoms start. Get to a place to lay down and let it pass. Hopefully someone will call me and give me some advice as to how to keep these mini-seizures at bay.

This sort of sucks. I'll keep you posted.

It was awful but its over!

2011-03-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

Well I am home and the procudure is done, thank God. It was much more uncomfortable than was represented to me. It was awful when they bolted the halo to my head. It hurt, alot, even with the versette and the topical anesthesia. It hurt. Bad. Mike held my hand and I am suprised that I didn't break his fingers while they drilled into my head. Once affixed to my head I spend the next 6 hours with this 3-1/2 pound halo on my head. Discomfortort doesn't adequately describe what it felt like. When they bolted the halo into the CT it hurt really bad. The halo had to be bolted into the CT so evertime they worked to get the bolts to slide in correctly the tears just ran down my face and then I spend the next 45 minutes with my head bolted inside a CT. Once done, I was unbolted moved to a room where I waited out the planning. Since the one bad tumor is so spread out it took better than 90 minutes to plan and they wanted it to be planned perfectly which I appreciate. But in the meantime I sat in a chair for hours with this weight bolted to my head, the headache almost unbearable.

Finally they got the planning done and I was taken to the Gammaknife machine. I made them let Mike stay with me and hold my hand while I was bolted into the Gamma, which was another painful procedure then I laid there for 55 minutes while the machine did its job. Alone in the room, listening to Norah Jones, trying to relax, trying not to feel the pressure pushing down on my head and shoulders. Praying it would not only work but be over soon. Once the planing is done it is all automated and the nurse and physicist just observe and make sure it works as programed. Apparently it did and one hour later I was being unlocked from Gamma and the halo was removed, thank God. It still took about an hour for the pressure to receed and my head to start to feel normal and even today I am still experiencing numbness and terrible headaches.

After I got out of the shower this morning I was sitting there and my foot started to shake uncontrolably. I moved from the chair to the bed and began to massage the foot and leg to stop the shaking. This is exactly the way that the seizure started before and I am not going to risk it happening again. I laid in bed, called my mom and didn't move until I have someone do help me downstairs. I was going to go to exercise class today, but I am not risking another seizure and the shaking leg was the first symptom when it happened before.

I am glad to be home. The biggest side effect is swelling and exhaustion. So I will probably rest the afternoon and see how I feel later. I know I am now getting beind the wheel of the car until I am relatively certain that I am not going to have a seizure. Not today, maybe tomorrow.

My brother and his wife will be in tomorrow night for the weekend. I hope I am feeling good enough to spend some quality time with him.

I am just so glad this is over. I hope I never have to do this again but at least I know its there if I need it and if tumors return.

I am off to relax but wanted you to know I am here safe and sound, recovering as fast as I can. Will post later.

Patty

Ready and raring to go!

2011-03-01T20:33:00.000-08:00

Well we are in Seattle. The drive wasn't bad, the pass was foggy but clear. The hardest thing is finding the hospital and the right garage, the one that is for patients, is only $10 per 24 hours and can be validated for $10 so we won't have to pay anything. Our room is a converted hospital room, which is evident, but it is clean and convenient and inexpensive. Its only $70 per night, single beds, but I haven't had to leave the hospital once I got here. We found the right garage, we found the inn (which reception closes at 4pm so we had to go back down to patient registration to get the keys, would have been nice to know that ahead of time. This hospital is not good on disseminating information to its patients. We had a great housekeeper who got us where we needed to go, personally led us to the Inn, back to registration, back to the Inn. Make sure we had towels and soap, showed us where the Dining Room was, what time it closed, etc. She was awesome. But the person who registered me for the room should have given me all that information, would have saved all of us some time.

I talked to Beverly at length today. She is the nurse I spoke to yesterday who will be assisting on my procedure. She was surprised she hadn't told me all the information, gee, she thought she had. I reminded her no, she didn't, since they sent me home last week. A little disorganized is how it felt. But after talking to her for about 20 minutes, I felt better. I feel more in control of my body and this procedure and what is going to happen to me tomorrow. I think one needs to feel informed and empowered when it comes to medical procedures in order to get through them most successfully.

I check in at 6am, go downstairs to the gamma place and they "turn me into a patient"; I get my gown and pressures checked and all that good stuff. Then the IV team comes at 6:45 and no, they don't need any information about my mediport, Beverly checked. She apologized for getting me upset about that. The IV team has no problem with any mediports. Then they will sedate me, using conscious sedation including versette and then will set the frame. Even before they put on the frame they numb the four points on my head and she said some people complain about their head being numb for up to a week. I am okay with that. I do NOT want to feel the frame bolted into my head. Then they will put me in the MRI; get a good scan with the frame and then the experts will spend the next hour putting together the perfect plan that will maximize tumor destruction and minimize impact on good tissue. Once the plan is set and put in the gamma machine computer, I'll be put in the machine and this high tech machine takes over following the set guidelines to within .5mm.

After the procedure they will remove the frame, I'll be under observation for a few hours and once I am deemed safe and sound, they will send me home. Mike will drive, I'll probably sleep. They said that most people are really tired for the first few days following and experience headaches for more days than that. Like I said before, swelling is a problem, so we'll be watching for the side effects of swelling and probably increase the steroids to control the swelling. Right now, at least I know what to expect and am ready for tomorrow morning. In truth, I am sort of excited. I feel like we can blast the guts out of these tumors and they WILL BE NO MORE! Yea!

Pray I'm right and I'll blog when I'm conscious again tomorrow or Thursday. If you don't hear from me, it doesn't mean I'm not okay, it means I'm sleeping or trying to get over the affects of the procedure. I will try to at least put an update on facebook letting you know I'm okay. God Bless you my friends and prayer warriors. You are the best.

Clueless?

2011-02-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

I have to admit it, I'm scared. I was hoping that Swedish would call today and give me some pre-procedure instructions and I finally called them and I have to say they weren't very helpful. No food or drink after midnight, as I suspected, but were they going to tell me that? They were also telling me that they will be giving me 1mg of ativan to keep me calm. A miligram of ativan? I take ativan every 4 hours to prevent seizures and nausea along with a whole host of other narcotics. One mg of ativan won't even take the edge off. I asked her if anyone had reviewed my file or medlist, and she said they would. She also asked if I have a medi-port, which I told her I did, she asked if I had a brochure so their IV team would know about it and how to access it. THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACCESS A MEDIPORT?? Holy crap, what kind of hospital is this? I can't imagine a hospital who does this procedure all the time not knowing how to access my mediport. Swedish Neurosciences is supposed to be a premier and elite institution, this is basic cancer treatment stuff, we all have ports. I just hope I was talking to an ignorant nurse who doesn't understand how things work and doesn't know what she is talking about. But my conversation with her did not instill any confidence in me that they can do this procedure and all it entails. Mike and I are going to call again tomorrow on our way to Seattle and see if we can talk to someone who knows a little bit more and can fortify my defenses. I'm feeling rather frightened and unsure of the procedure. I know its the right thing to do, and I am sure that they will do a fine job, but they probably need to put someone else on the phone with the patients. She was really nice, but made more questions than provided answers.

Given the condition of the pass, Mike and I are going to try to get on the road about 12:30. We will try to call again on our way up there and see if we can connect with someone a little more knowledgeable about Gammaknife and the process involved and maybe I can feel a little more secure about the fact they are shooting high dose radiation beams into my head and bolting a frame onto my skull. Little overwhelming...huh?

Jessie came over to see me and cheer me on tonight, which really helped. He never ceases to bring a smile to my face, he is such a joyful little boy. I felt more optimistic as soon as he walked in. I thinks its going to be okay, even if the details are a little sketchy.

Safe travels. Safe procedure. Complete cure. That's my prayer.

Weak and Tired

2011-02-28T10:20:00.001-08:00

I am feeling very week and trembly today. I worry that a seizure is on the horizon so I am keeping my beeper close around my neck just in case. I am on so much seizure medication that I can't imagine actually having one, but I am erring on the cautious side just in case, using my cane. I just remember back to a few weeks ago and how incredibly horrifying it was. The most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. I thought I might die. So, I'm awful glad to be here still!

I go over to the cancer center at 11:45 to get that skipped dose of Avastin and wish I felt better. Maybe its just this cold I'm fighting and is sapping all my energy making me very shakey and weak. I'll keep taking my vitamins! I checked the weather and there is going to be snow and rain on the pass tomorrow so it might be slow going. I may skip my exercise class and just head out after my therapy to give us plenty of time less the pass get closed for any period of time. I have to make it to Seattle tomorrow I need this procedure on Wednesday. I want these tumors gone!

There is wi-fi at the hospital, so I will keep you updated on the procedure. If you want to see how it is done you can google "gammaknife" and it goes through the steps. I still think the worst part is going to be bolting the frame to my head, thank God for sedation!

Say prayers for safe travel and a successful procedure and for me to come out of this tumor free!

Cold

2011-02-27T10:53:00.000-08:00

I really wanted to go to chuch today, have one more blessing put around me before the procedure on Wednesday. However, this cold I have been battling has settled in to my head good and I awoke this morning all stuffed up, coughing up gunk, sore throat, burning eyes. I thought it would be better if I stayed out of the public since there is so much going around and try to get healthy. I dug out my echinicia and am taking them along with my other regular vitamins and am drinking copious amounts of fluids. I'll probably try to sleep most the afternoon. I don't know if a cold will affect my ability to have this procedure, but I'm not taking any chances, I'm going to do everything I can to get well and get well soon.

I have my skipped dose of Avastin tomorrow too and I need to be healthy for that, I am sure my immune system is currently working in overtime trying to get well. Thinking of it, I should probably have called the doc on Friday and got my blood work done to see if I needed an immune system boost. But, we will know tomorrow. The plan is Avastin tomorrow and on Tuesday I'll have PT and am going to go see a psychotherapist to help me deal with some of the issues unique to cancer patients. Then I want to try to do my exercise class, depending on how I feel and then its off to Seattle. I am glad that my procedure is bright and early, get it done and over with and back home. The only thing I am apprehensive about is the frame they are going to bolt on to my head, but sedation should work wonders.

Since I can't go to church today I am asking for an extra round of prayers to get me healthy and keep me well and for this procedure to be successful. It may be awhile before I see the positive effects of the Gammaknife. There may be swelling which will cause me to get worse before I get better. There shouldn't be any bleeding, but there is always a chance, so we really want to avoid that side affect. Brain bleeds are not a good thing!

So today I will rest and work to get well so that I am ready for everything this week. Its going to be a busy one! Say lots of prayers, God is listening and this time I hope his answer is "yes" you are healed!

Spinal looks clear!

2011-02-25T16:34:00.000-08:00

The spinal tap went well yesterday and I am finally up and around. I got a call and the preliminary results show that there are no cancer cells in the spinal fluid. We won't know until Monday for sure when the final results are in, but I'm going with the news today; no cancer in the spinal fluid! Yea! I've been staying pretty flat on my back recovering but now I feel like I'm coming down with a cold, my throat is sore and my nose is running. I am fighting a headache, which is to be expected, and taking my meds as frequently as I can.

I will have my missed dose of Avastin on Monday, Tuesday I have PT and my exercise class then we are heading to Seattle. There is a hotel at Swedish that we are going to stay at which will be really convenient, its on the 5th floor. They renovated a few rooms into hotel rooms so we will be able to just get up and go down to check in without ever leaving the building, which is great. Barring any complications I'll come home the same day.

I am going to take it relatively easy this weekend and rest up for a busy week next week. Keep the prayers coming that the procedure goes well, smooth and easy, and I am back home Wednesday evening as planned. While you're at it - pray for good weather too!

Gammaknife

2011-02-23T15:08:00.000-08:00

Alot to update all of you on. It was a very long day to Seattle and back and the pass was awful But we made it home about 11p. But let's start in the middle with the doctors.

We got there right on time and we met with neuroradiologist Dr. Meier who, along with a neurosurgeon, will handle the procedure. He went over both Gammaknife and Cyberknife and although very similar they have slight differences and I am a candidate for either one. Gammaknife gets within 1/2 mm of the zone and can be done on the same day. Basically you get a frame attached to your head to make sure there will be no movement and everything will be exact head on and that is the worse part, the bolting of the frame to the head. Then I will have an MRI and they will get in there and with a radiation beam zap the tumors within .5mm margins. The frame is removed you are sent to recovery and go home the same day. These tumors will never come back. There may be others and those could also be treated with Gammaknife, but these tumors will be dead. Hopefully eventually they will sluff off and be absorbed back into the body leaving me back to normal. I may have some long term damage that may never go away, but I'll take that over death anyday and it shouldn't be any worse than it is now. Initially the symptoms may be worse with swelling at the "surgical" site but they will give me steroids and it should clear up in a few months. In the meantime Dr. Meiers noticed that one of the tumors may be on the menengi, which is the lining of the brain and connects into my brain stem. So tomorrow I am having a spinal tap at Kadlec to check the spinal fluid for cancer cells and they are going to infuse chemotherapy into the spinal column prophactly just in case like they did last time. Then if there is cancer, they have the first dose in fighting the bad cells. We will relay whatever we find out to the doctors in Seattle so they can treat appropriately.

Dr. Rado thought that Avastin had to be withheld for 4-6 week prior any Gamma or Cyber knife procedure but we found out that that isn't necessarily true. Dr. Meiers doesn't think it needs to be withheld at all, so we are going ahead with the Avastin on Monday so I can catch up on my skipped dose from this week.

Swedish sent us home about 4pm yesterday, the pass was closed but they were clearing it and it was due to open anytime. I asked them...are you sure you can't do the procedure tomorrow or the next day? They were certain they couldn't get insurance to approve that fast. So Mike and I slowly headed home. It was a long and hard haul. Heavy snow and traffic, most of the accidents had been cleaned up. The highlights were a stop in Issaquah for Krispy Kremes (YUM) and Miners for a burger and shake just before home. We finally got home about 11pm, 7 hours after leaving Isssaquah.

Then my senses were right and I got a call at 7:45 this morning asking if I was still in Seattle and if so, and I could have the procedure at 7am on Thursday. No go, I was already home and a big storm was battling the pass. So we decided to schedule it for next Wednesday, check in at 6am. We will go up on Tuesday. I think that this is actually good, this way I can have my spinal tap and missed dose of chemo before the procedure.

I am not really scared except for having the bolting of the frame on my head. They sedate me ahead of time, so it should be okay. After all I have had done to me, whats a few little bolts in my head?

I am pleased to find out I am eligible for this breakthrough treatment. It gives me a little jolt of positivity and hope. Just another thing that's going to work for me to get rid of this horrible disease. Another arrow in my teather, so to speak.

Pray that there are no cancer cells in my spinal fluid, that would be bad, but not the end of the world. Its treatable. They weren't there before and they shouldn't be there now.

The staff at Swedish was helpful, thorough and kind. I feel I am in good hands and they will take great care of me. The staff down here has been amazing putting the proceures on this end together so quickly and get me ready for next week. So I need to find an inexpensive hotel for Tuesday night and get ready to go. Its going to be an exciting procedure. Thanks for all your prayers. You helped me to be eligible and you got us to and from safely. God is listening.

Swedish

2011-02-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

Well Mike and I are off to Seattle tomorrow for consults with two physicians from the Swedish Neuroscience Center. I couldn't take chemo today because apparently I have to be off the Avastin for 4-6 weeks prior to having Cyberknife. I keep doing the Temodar and finished that last pill today. It frightens me to not take the chemo. I see how much growth can happen in such a short time and the incredible affect it has on my body and worry what will happen the weeks that I am off the chemo. But we will talk about that tomorrow too. Is it safe for me to be without treatment for 4-6 weeks? I believe I will continue the Temodor in two weeks so at least that is something fighting the tumors. They have taken me off the Abrastine which means my body is left open with nothing to fight back if there are any little cancer cells roaming around. I must use positive additude to keep them away. Its hard to stay positive. I am working very hard to keep my chin up and know and truly believe with a real sense of joy in my heart but most of all to trust in God and all the prayers that are going up for me. I know God is listening and He won't leave me to face this alone, He will be with me every step of the way and I know my family and prayer warriors are out there pounding out the prayers of healing and hope.

There have been alot of ups and downs today. Sometimes I find myself just melting in to puddles of tears and desperation. It doesn't last long and I can snap myself out of it and be aware of the positive that can come of this; I could be cured. I will be cured.

So be with me as I travel and as I meet with the experts. Guide their hearts and their minds, give them the wisdom to prescribe the right treatment at the right time. Pray for a blessing on their hands and their hearts. And as for me, pray for me to have an unflappable faith that God is in control and I will overcome this horrid disease.

I just think of my parents, Mike, My children, grandchild, friends. I am not afraid to die, I am afraid of what will happen to them if I go. They need me, we have to much more to do together. So fervent prays every change you get. I will feel them washing over me filling me with the light of Christ, the warmth of heaven will inspire me and keep me moving forward and staying strong.

So be with me in my sadness, be with me in my joy, be with me in my uncertainty and help me to trust that what will be will be. I am under God's plan, for better or worse, but I do believe that all things work together towards the glory of God. So I hope I can bring Him alot of glory.

I'll blog tomorrow night and let you know what they say.

Love and blessings,
Patty

Seattle on Tuesday. Pray I can have Cyberknife!

2011-02-18T09:11:00.000-08:00

I have started on my new chemo pill which I picked up from the pharmacy yesterday. It is very expensive, $1400 for 10 pills. I will take them for 5 days, 2 weeks off and then 5 more days. I am going to talk to Dr. Rado's office to see if I can get them through their office and have it billed under my medical rather than my pharmaceutical coverage. If I can get it under medical it will be covered 20% and I am almost to 100% coverage. If it stays under my pharmacy coverage I will pay $1400 forever for it, there is no stop loss. But I guess if it works, its worth it.

I got a call from Swedish yesterday and I have an appointment with a specialist up at their neuro center on Tuesday to see if I am an candidate for Cyberknife. I am really hopeful. If they can do Cyberknife without too much collateral damage maybe we can zap these tumors once and for all. Between that and the new chemo, I think we have a good plan. Say your prayers it works.

Its hard to lose my independence. I can't take myself to exercise class, the store, yoga, the doctor or physical therapists. Driving is out of the question, I walk around wondering if or when another seizure will hit and I know I don't want to be behind the wheel when it does. So I depend on my family and friends and they have been incredibly helpful. Hopefully the tumors clear up soon and my independence returns. I was listening to a meditation yesterday for cancer patients and it had an affirmation statement that really struck at my core; I will survive not out of fear of dying but out of the joy to live. So I face each day with as much joy as I can muster. Joy for the sunshine, joy for the rain, joy for my family, my children, my grandson, my man, my friends. Joy for the ability to get out of bed in the morning, joy for all the people who are praying for me around the world. There is joy in the most minute of things, we just have to open our hearts and our souls and let the elation that is life pour in and fill us with its light. There are healing powers all around us, we just need to take the effort to tap into in, wallow in its essense and let it fill our body from top to toe. Let God's joy light us up from the inside out ravaging the cancer cells and flooding them from my body.

I know there is hope, there is optomitsm, it is just a matter of changing my state of mind. I remember the old classic Bing Crosby tune; eliminate the negative - accentuate the positive don't mess with Mr. In-Between. Good Advice.

So let the light into the very core of your soul and let it spin and whirl in and around you making your day, no matter how difficult, easier to walk through with your head held high and a shine in your eyes; a smile on your face. And stay connected with God, He will lead you forth.

Treatment Changes

2011-02-16T17:07:00.000-08:00

Well the news doesn't get any better. The tumors have grown 30-40% and Dr. Rado is definately concerned. He said its time to consult Seattle and see if I am a candidate for Gamma or Cyber knife. Dr. Iuliano's concern is that the area is so large they would have to radiate so much mass that I may end up with some permanent disability on my right side. I would take a little disability to regain my life. So my files are on their way to Seattle for review and today I start a new chemotherapy pill in addition to the Avastin that also crosses the blood-brain barrier. It is a pill form that I will take for five consecutive days then I will do my Avastin on Monday then two weeks later I'll do both. I will also stay on my Zomeda to keep my bones strong and metastatic free. They are taking me off the Abraxane since it is for my body and my body appears to be clear from cancer. That brings up one of my other fears is that without treatment the little cancer cells will reemerge and come back into my lungs and everywhere else.

They have me on alot of antiseizure medication, I'm using a walker and I'm not allowed to drive. I am going to be on the mercy of my friends and family to get to all the places I need to go and I have just really gotten involved in some great support classes. I have exercise twice per week, yoga on Fridays, PT once per week not to mention the doctors appointments. So there is a real burden on my family right now. I hate depending on other people to do things for me, I am so independent that this is going to be hard to handle.

I am working to overcome the fear of the unknown. I never know when another seizure might hit and I find myself flailing on the ground. Rand and Gay had a First Alert installed in my home that I wear around my neck so if I fall I push one button and am connected with help who will call someone to help or send a paramedic or whatever I need. It makes me feel much more safe when I am home by myself and at least gives me a little independence.

I'll keep you updated as the treatment progresses. For right now, I ask you to join me in my fervent prays for a complete recovery.

Not good news.

2011-02-15T20:15:00.000-08:00

I saw Dr Zhang yesterday and she did not have the technology to determine how much, if any, the tumors have grown. She increased my anti-seizure mediction in an effort to deter further seizures and I went on to see Dr. Iuliano this morning. He has the technology to put all the scans sliced exactly the same next to each other and the good news is the "new" tumor we thought was turning up next month was not. No new turmor. However the existing tumor have grown by 30-40% and are what is causing all the problems. What we think is that the cancer cells which did not get killed by the radiation have reared their ugly heads and are growing rather quickly. That is what is causing the seizures. They have put me on quite an array of medications to keep the seizures away and I sure hope they work. That was the most aweful experience. I felt so helpless and out of control.

So the news isn't good and hopefully Rado will have a better plan. I am not a candidate for gammaknife or cyberknife since the tumor is so spread out they would have to take too much of my brain to make it a viable surgery. So I am going to talk to him about uppimg my medication, hittng it harder and longer. Maybe that will work. I am determined to beat this. Whatever it takes. Pray with me and I'll keep you updated.

Seizure Update

2011-02-14T12:41:00.000-08:00

I think I am improving and now I start the round of doctors. I'll see Zhang today, Iuliano tomorrow and hopefully Rado within the next two days. Obviously what we are doing is not working and we need to come up with a new plan. I am getting a medic alert bracelet so that if I fall again and I am alone I can get assistance. Makes me feel alot more secure. I walk around very carefully in contstant fear that my leg will start shaking again and the seizure will begin anew. Terrifying thought. I never really thought what a seizure was like, now I know, they are aweful.

I did go to Spokane with Mike yesterday to see Legally Blonde. We had no incidents and really enjoyed ourselves. I will update all of you after I see the doctors and let you know what they say. Pray there is an alternative treatment that will work on these brain tumors. They are really annoying.

Pray hard and fervently, this is not the way I want to live my life.

Seizures

2011-02-12T14:31:00.000-08:00

My life, my normalacey has completely changed. At about 5am Thursday morning I awoke with uncontrollable shaking of my right foot and lower leg. My right side was completely numb from toes, up my arm and accross my back. I tried to stand up to see if it would right itself, but intead I collapsed to the floor spraining my ankle and continuing to shake. I crawled back to bed and waited until the shaking stopped and decided to go out to my car to get my cane and enable me to walk. I made it as far as the car and on the way back in the front door I started shaking even more violently fell on my face and thought I would suffocate with my face in the carpent and a total inability to move my body or my face from the floor. I was calling for Peyton but I couldnt yell loud enought to get her attention. Thank God for my dog Kyra who knew there was something wrong and went and woke up Peyton. I can't imagine her absolute terror when she came downstairs and found her mom jerking and seizing with her face planted in the carpet. She moved quickly pulling me in the house and turning me on to my side and talking to me straight in the eyes trying to pull me back to reality. She called 911 and they were there in about 5 minutes and took me off to the hospital. Peyton followed with my box of meds so the docs would know what I was on. A few minutes in I have another full blows seizure and they gave me some antivan to bring it back down under control. The ED doc called Dr. Rado and he put me on steroids to try to keep the seizures away until we can figure out what it going on. The MRI shows that the tumor is growing again, probably resulting in the seizure. Dr. Rado wants me in to see him next week and we will decide what comes next.

All I know it this has been terrifying and I don't want to ever experience it again. I'll see my neurologist in a few weeks, she is out of town, so I am going to call Monday and see if she has anything else to add to the management of the seizures.

Mike and I had a plan to go see Legally Blonde in Spokane tomorrow, and our plan is still to go. Peyton is housesitting for the next week, so until I feel confident that I can be by myself I am going to be switching houses, Mike is staying here tonight, I stayed at my parents last night and we'll see how I am on Sunday night. I do know that if it happens again I do not get out of bed, I stay where I am and call 911. I asked Dr. Rado if the odds were good that this would happen again and he commented "it was likely." Am I scared, yes i am, scared out of my wits.

I'll keep you posted and you join me in praying that the seizures stay away and that stupid trumor shrinks. Thats the best I can think for now.

I'm off to take a nap, its been an exhausting few days. Lets pray for a rockin improvement.

Life Changes

2011-02-09T20:21:00.000-08:00

Life is fleeting; we all know that...don't we? Do you realize that your life could end at the blink of an eye. In a fleeting second your entire life can change. One minute you are about to turn into your driveway and the next moment you are waking up in intensive care fighting for your life. Or you awake to find your cognitive abilities are gone and your body is paralyzed. A myriad of life changing events can happen before you even realize that your life has changed. Permanently. Normalacy is gone and a new normal is going to take over your life. A new reality has moved into your life that you will spend months and maybe even years adjusting. For it is your new reality, your new life. The old life is gone and you have to be patient and give yourself time to adjust. Whether it be accident, health issue, personal tragedy; it requires you to completely reinvent yourself and learn where you fit in this new life you have been given. It takes time to adjust and there will be setbacks. Alot of setbacks accompanied by alot of tears. Life is not fair but it certainly isn't boring. I don't know about you but I could use a little boredom in my life! But God is here and he isn't ready for me to just settle down yet, He has more changes in store for me.

So beware and be ready for unexpected changes in your life. They can happen in an instant and will transform your life. Although at first it may seem the end of all you know and all you are but you are facing a great transformation; how will you handle it? Will you moan and wail all the unfairness that has befallen you or will you realize that this is an opportunity to change your life and attitude. A change which will cause us to rely on our most awesome God and learn to trust in Him and His divine purpose for your life. There may be great things ahead for you. Give tragedy and change a chance. You my be surprised where your world is headed.

Exercise Class

2011-02-08T19:20:00.000-08:00

Dr. Rado was on jury duty yesterday so I saw one of his ARNP's instead and she was wonderful. We talked about the side effects I have been enduring and Dr. Rado had left a message that I could stop the Abraxane if I wanted to since my body was clear on the last CT scan. Mike and I talked it over and decided that I am tolerating the regimen adequately and we would rather be safe than sorry and continue on it until the next regimen review in March.

I started my exercise class today, sponsored by Kadlec Therapy Services, and it was wonderful. I realized 1) how out of shape I am, 2) how bad my balance and right side weakness has become and 3) how much I loved being there and I can't wait until Thursday. The program is two days a week, one hour each session. There is a definitive workout format, warm up and stretching and then exercise that starts slow and builds up each session. So today I only had two sets of three exercises to do, next time I'll have four, then six; each session adds one or two exercises so for those of us who have been in therapy for a long time can work our way back into exercising. I am so grateful for Kadlec providing this service. The two classes plus yoga on Fridays is going to be a great addition to my healing. I can do all these exercises at home so I am planning on exercising on my off days too. I felt really good after class and went and did some shopping, but I do have to say I am pretty tired tonight.

My latest side effect is my nails are turning yellow and brittle and a few of the nails are starting to separate under the nail bed and could actually fall off! I am a little dismayed since I showed Marlene my toenails over a month ago and thought they were getting a fungus or something and she told me they were fine and that I had just cut them too short (I can't feel my toes so I have to be careful cutting my nails) and I should let them grow out and file them instead of cut them. But it wasn't until this spread to my fingernails that I started to research it; and I asked the PT at the class if she knew was it was and she said yes, its caused by the taxol drugs, which I am on. I need to be careful about infections once they start "spooning" (pulling away from the nail bed) and I have done some research on reputable internet sites on how to care for my nails and I plan on talking to the doctor as soon as I can.

Enough for now. You probably didn't want to hear about yellowing nails! Gross! Oh well, I have always been open and honest on this blog and I will continue to do so! God bless.

Another Chemo Tomorrow

2011-02-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

Its been a few days since I posted so I'll catch you up on my happenings. I've been feeling pretty good the last few days. I took a yoga class at the cancer center on Friday. I have signed up to go every Friday. Its Restorative Yoga so the poses are easy and we mostly focus on breathing and meditation. I really enjoyed it. The teacher was great and she was very aware of the participants limitations. I also found out that Kadlec is sponsoring exercise for breast cancer patients with lymphedema on Tuesdays and Thursdays at the Richland Community Center. I am signed up to go this Tuesday and I am really excited. I am hoping that light focus exercise will reduce the swelling in my arm. We just can't get the swelling to go down, even with manual therapy and consistently wearing my sleeve during the day and my reid sleeve at night. I even have some oils that are supposed to reduce swelling that I use, no luck. Nothing seems to bring the swelling down.

I went to church this morning and the service was wonderful. Monte was preaching about how God is our refuge in our times of trouble and we only need to ask Him and he will shelter us when we need His help. He then asked everyone who needed God's refuge to stand and be prayed for by the other members of the chuch who were standing around us. It felt so uplifting to know that these people were praying for me and that God IS my refuge and He's here to protect me and shelter me from this storm I am in. As I stood there and cried as my best friend held my hand and cried with me. It was a beautiful moment.

Later that afternoon Tina and I went to the local colleges theatre to see "Wilderness of Mirrors". It was a very enjoyable play, intriguing with a sad but bittersweet ending.

Then it was off to my parents to enjoy some snacks and superbowl. My team won. I'm not a fan of either team, but Green Bay is my preference so I was glad they won. Some of the ads were halarious but not as many good ads as I would have expected. I loved the Budweiser outlaw, Darth Vader and Teleflora. Those were definately my favorites.

Tomorrow is the doctor and chemo. I am not looking forward to it, but I guess every dose gets me closer to the end of treatment. So, lets get another one down. Pray it goes well and that I'm not that sick and I'm able to do my exercise classes. In the meantime I am looking to God to be my refuge; I don't think I can handle the storm much longer.

Odds and Ends

2011-02-02T11:09:00.000-08:00

I got alot done yesterday. Believe it or not I finally went through all the bags of belongings that I brought home after I had to give up my office at work. I stuck all of it in a corner in the basement and just left it there. It was just too painful to go through those bags and I am finally at an emotional place where I felt I could handle the feelings that all those items brought up. Its been long enough where it wasn't that painful; it mostly brough up sweet memories of people, conversations and events. I spent time in those emotions and relished in the gentle recollections. It was a walk through remembrances of the years I worked at Kadlec and the people who touched my life. Like a gentle breeze the thoughts wafted over me, bringing with it joy laced with a little melanchony. Now the challenge is what to do with all the stuff. Where do I put the pictures, the knick knacks, the paperwork...so I am tasked today with finding a place for these treasures.

I continue to gather goods to give to Goodwill. This time I'm going to try to take it to them a few bags at a time so that I don't have a whole truckload! There is a drop off center right at the mall, so its convenient. I feel like I'm making progress. Once the weather warms up, Peyton and I are going to tackle the garage. We have boxes we haven't opened since we moved in...so I would venture to bet its mostly Goodwill stuff. I mean, if we haven't needed it for four years, we probably don't need it. I think a few of the boxes are Peyton's stuffed animals so we may pack some of the items with cedar chips and put it into storage. I understand the need to keep certain things of emotional value, even if it is stored away in a box. By this summer we should have the whole house done. At least that is my goal, and when you don't work it is important to have long and short term goals; something to work towards. So I am setting a goal everyday to get certain tasks completed with a long term goal of having the entire house done by the summer.

I'm feeling pretty good and have signed up for a few exercise classes specifically for cancer patients. One is a restorative yoga class at the Cancer Center and the other is sponsored by Kadlec and is a weight training class for breast cancer survivors with lymphedema. I am excited. The Yoga class starts on Friday and the other next Tuesday. It might help with the lymphedema to get some moderate controlled exercise. I'll let you know how it goes.

Go out and make it a wonderful day. Stay in prayer for those who are in need. God is listening.

Feeling Good

2011-01-29T21:13:00.000-08:00

I was reading the blogs for my friends Jim Morasch and Mike Brinton who are both in Harborview fighting for their lives after serious car accidents. I realize there are many things worse than this cancer that I fight, and a car accident that leaves your body broken and paralyzed must be worse than the chemo I endure. They live in a world with so many unknowns. I see my foe and know what I must to do fight him. Their enemies are subversive and unknown and require the strength of superman to overcome. I see my foe everyday and I know intimenty who my enemy is and what I have to do to slay this foe. Jim and Mike struggle everyday for the tiniest improvement. I pray for them and their families fervently that they will have the strength to recover. Please add your prayers to mine. God is listening.

I am feeling pretty good this week. I got alot done today, the regular stuff, shopping and cleaning. I am trying to go through all my stuff and get things sorted and in the trash or off to Goodwill. The less stuff I have the more room I'll have in my house and the less belongings that my family has to go through after I'm gone. Once I have the house organized and everything in its place I plan on working on photos. I have boxes and boxes of photos and I'd like to start with the most recent events (Christmas, Bahamas, Oregon Coast) and work my way back. My pictures go back 40 years to when I was growing up. Its a huge job, but I don't have a job, so I just have time. So I work on my blog, dabble in my book and make photo albums.

I am praying that I keep climbing the ladder towards feeling good the rest of the week. Next week when I get to the top and fall down into chemo, I just hope there are arms to catch me.

This and that

2011-01-28T10:29:00.000-08:00

For some reason I am really weak. My body is shakey and feels drained of all energy. I am trying to just overcome it, but it takes monumental effort to go up and down the stairs. I catch my feet on the steps no matter how hard I think to myself "pick up your feet." So I am being extremely careful on the stairs lest I trip and fall and really hurt myself. My toes continue to be numb and sore and get cold easily. I frequently sit with a heating pad around my feet to keep them warm and it really helps. The doctors have not been able to ascertain why both my feet are numb, we figure the one is from the tumor but the other...we just don't know. It went numb way back in June and I have talked to both the oncologist and the neurologist, neither have an answer. It seems to me its getting worse and sometimes my fingers are numb also. Just the tips get tingley like they are cold, when I haven't even gone outside. Its very odd. Peripheral neuroapthy is a side effect of some chemos, so I think it is just a side effect of the chemo and I am just dealing with it.

I felt so bad for Peyton last night. She is feeling better but is hungry and wants so badly to eat something substantial, but with the holes in her mouth and the tenderness in her jaw she just can't chew anything. She was so sore and depressed last night and I finally got her to go to the store with me and we got cake (I know, healthy, huh) and the stuff to make crescent roll pizzas. They went down well and she was much happier after having food. She saw the surgeon yesterday and he indicated that she is healing up well, she just has to make sure to clean out the holes regularly to keep the food out and her surgical sites clean. Apparently she did have some food that had gotten stuck in there so he gave her a syringe to clean them out after every meal. I keep reminding her that her tosilectomy last year was worse, but she was on so many painkillers she vaguely remembers the ordeal. She has been off painkillers since Saturday, so she is fully aware she is hungry and sore! Its hard to be a helpless mother; so disheartening to not be able to do anything to help your child.

I just take it one day at a time. Maybe once I am off the neupogen shots my body will start feeling a little more normal.

Tired.

2011-01-27T10:17:00.000-08:00

I had a really good day yesterday. My energy level was up and I got alot done; bills paid, papers filed, paperwork shredded. My daughter and I have been putting together bags for Goodwill and I got all those put together so they just need to be loaded into the car and dropped off. I finished the day by making my dad his favorite blueberry coffee cake which he will pick up today. Well...I may have overdone it, today I am achey and exhausted; feeling pretty puny. Luckily I have a PT appointment today, my arm is very swollen even though I do everything I am supposed to do to keep the lymphedema at bay. Hopefully she can get the swelling down a bit. My arm is quite sore.

Peyton will go see the oral surgeon today and get a followup check on how she is healing up. She seems to be doing well but is missing real food. She is tired of pudding and mac n' cheese and is ready to have something that has to be chewed, but her jaw is still too sore and doesn't have the okay for solid food from the doctor yet. Hopefully she is healing up and real food is on the close horizon! She had a big test today that she has been craming for over the last few days and I am hoping that it went well. She has worked really hard to learn the information.

I have a shot today too, so I think it will be a down afternoon and I'll take the opportunity to rest and read and give my body a break after its hard work yesterday. Tomorrow, I'll be back up and around. I need to learn a little moderation.

Komen and other things

2011-01-25T13:05:00.000-08:00

I just read an article about Susan G. Komen and the misuse of their power against smaller fundraising organizations. They are working to prohibit other fundraising organizations from using the words "for a cure" or even using the color pink. Is that really a good use of donor funds? Plus, where do they get off trying to corner the fundraising market on the use of those words or of the use of a color? Aren't we all working for the same goal? Raising money for worthy causes? I know after reading this article I am withdrawing my support of Komen and will continue to support other small organizations like the triple negative breast cancer foundation or breast cancer.org and especially our local charities like Chest of Hope or the cancer center. It seems to me that Komen has gotten to big for its britches and has forgotten their goal is to raise money to find a cure, not to use hard earned donor dollars to bully other fundraising organizations.

To read the full article the link is below.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/12/07/komen-foundation-charities-cure_n_793176.html

I am feeling pretty puny these days with chemo in yesterday. But I could be worse so I take it as a good day that I can get up and around.

I just heard that a good friend and colleague, Jim Morasch, was in a serious car accident this morning. I talked to a mutual friend and he is in critical condition up in Seattle at Harborview. My understanding is that right now it is touch and go, his condition is very serious. Puts my disease in perspective. At least I am still here, able to enjoy my friends and family. I may be fighting for my life, but I know and see my foe. My friend Jim is fighting on so many fronts that we just must pray for God to heal his body. So a prayer in his direction would be much appreciated.

Peyton is healing up nicely and is working and going to school and starting to eat a little better. She is studying for a big test coming up on Thursday so has cloistered herself away in her room, only coming out for sustenence. I am proud she is working so hard.

Lots of things to pray for, but God is faithful and true and will not leave us or forsake us. He is with us no matter what the circumstance. Keep the faith in your heart and soul.

God Is Not Giving Up

2011-01-23T19:11:00.000-08:00

My daughter is definately on the mend. I have hardly had to do anything to take care of her today, she is pretty much able to take care of herself. The swelling on her face has gone down substantially and she is able to eat fairly well. Hopefully the worst is over. She is planning on going to school tomorrow but isn't sure about work because its hard to talk with her jaw is so sore. We'll just wait and see.

I am tired but hanging in there. I have chemo tomorrow and am ready to go. I am over the nausea and able to eat and I know they are going to be thrilled at my weight gain, even if I'm not! We work so hard after 40 to lose weight, I finally do and the doctors want me to gain it all back. The injustice! But I understand, my care team just wants to make sure I'm taking in enough calories for my body to heal.

I went to church this morning and Monte's message was wonderful. He spoke about God never giving up on us even when we give up on ourselves or each other. God is faithful and will never leave us out on a limb. We have His love and support even if we can't feel it at the time and feel abandoned. That gives me hope for tomorrow, no matter how difficult life becomes, God is not giving up on me, so I'm not giving up on me either.

Update on Peyton

2011-01-22T10:10:00.000-08:00

Well I think we are over the major hump. Day one wasn't too bad, she slept most of the day and I woke her up every few hours all night to take her pain medication and make sure she drank water. Day two is when it hit. Friday morning she did okay and I made her some noodles with parmesan cheese for lunch and, unfortunately it didn't settle well and that started the puking. After that everything that went down, came back up, including water. So no pain medication and her mouth was hurting something terrible. It was awful. I felt so incredibly helpless watching my daughter be so sick and nothing I could do to make her feel better. Finally about 9 last night the nausea started to pass and she was able to keep down some 7-up and then by 10 was able to eat a little bit which enabled her to take her pain medication. We started her back on her antibiotics today, she is feeling okay, but her poor little cheeks look like chipmunks. But I think she is on the mend. Its times like this that I rue buying a house with stairs. I think I have been up and down these stairs at least 100 times in the last few days. I thanked Peyton today for assisting with my exercise program! Thank goodness we did this at the end of my treatment session, not the beginning. I don't think I would have had the energy a week ago. She might go to a friends house tonight to watch some hockey, it would probably be good to get out of the house for a few hours. We'll see how she does today.

I sort of melted down last night. I was so tired and Peyton was so sick and there was just nothing I could do. So I called my mom and just cried, I know she knows how I feel, she probably feels like this with me most of the time. I know I get my chemo and I get so sick and there is just nothing she can do, and as a mother, we want to take away the pain and the sickness and just make our children feel better. I was just so relieved to see Peyton turn the corner and start feeling well. That was such a relief.

I slept pretty good last night, one ear listening for Peyton the other closed to deep sleep. She made it through the night without pain medication, which is great and today she is more sore than hurting. At least this is a one-time thing. Once those wisdom teeth are out, they are out, never has to be done again. She got to keep the top two teeth, the bottom ones had to be broken to get out. So that is why she is so swollen on the bottom and not the top. A few more days and she will start getting back to normal. Wisdom teeth, its like a rite of passage to adulthood.

I am hanging in there, I just wish I could take away her pain, her discomfort. It just breaks my heart. I am getting tired, but that's a mom's job, to take care of their children, no matter how hard it is. I'll keep you posted.

Pray for Peyton

2011-01-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

I'm recovering from my trip to Utah. It was a wonderful trip that really renewed my soul but exhausted my body. My flight from Seattle was delayed for three hours so I didn't get home until almost 10:30. By the time I got to bed it was almost midnight so Monday and Tuesday I napped most of the afternoons. Today I am starting to feel normal again, or as normal as I can feel given the circumstances of my life.

Peyton is having her wisdom teeth out tomorrow and I am scared for her and ask for your fervent prayers. She is very anxiety-ridden when it comes to medical or dental procedures and we have to give her ativan (anti-anxiety medication) for her to go to the dentist. They are going to put her under anesthesia but in order to do that she has to have an IV put in, and therein lies the problem. She can't take nitrous oxide to calm her down, it makes her throw up, and they won't let her take ativan because it may negatively react to the anesthesia. So, that means she has to get the IV with plain old bravery. We have talked about it and I think if they can get her on the first try, we should be okay, but if they don't, we're in trouble because I don't think they will let them try a second time. But these guys do this all the time, so they should be pros and should knock it out first try. So please pray for a peace and calmness for my daughter and a quick and painless recovery. The first few days will be the hardest, then I think she should recover relatively quickly. Her mouth is really hurting so she is ready to get them out, its just the process that scares her to death. I hate that she has to go through this. I know it is almost a rite of passage into adulthood, most people (including me) have had to had their wisdom teeth out and survived, I just hate to see my little girl hurting. I know, its a mom thing.

I was supposed to see the physical therapist tomorrow but had to cancel it so I could be there to take care of Peyton and my lymphedema is really giving me fits. My arm is so swollen it aches. I am wearing my sleeve during the day and my reid sleeve at night just like I am supposed to but I really need a therapist to work on it. I have an appointment next week, I can't wait.

I have treatment on Monday so I am nearing the end of this cycle and starting to feel so much better. I have more energy and my bones are not aching near as much as before. Which is all good, I'll have everything to pour into the care of Peyton over the weekend as she heals. She has spend the last 18 months taking care of me, its my turn to take care of her. I just hope she can get through it without an anxiety attacks. Like I said, pray for her please. I'll write and let you know how it goes!

Retreat

2011-01-16T17:35:00.000-08:00

No flight can come off without a hitch, so I am currently in Seattle, they have just changed our gate and delayed our flight. Don't know why, but that's just the way it is. I figure it just gives me a chance to catch you all up on my retreat this weekend. Not only did I not have to share a bed or a room...I didn't even share a house! Because I asked for a room by myself and by the time they came and picked me up from my afternoon downtown I was absolute toast, exhausted and almost in tears, they gave me the guest house which is over the spare garage. They have a 4-car garage, this is a separate 2-car garage with an entire house built over it. I had my own incredibly comfortable king size bed, my own bathroom, even my own kitchen and gym if I was so inclined. It was funny, all these "moms" were worried if I would be okay out there all by myself. I assured them I would be just fine.

It was uneventful flying in on Friday, the gal I was meeting, Deb Mumma, was delayed on her flight from the east coast so I hung around for about two hours before she arrived. That was okay, I just sat and did crossword puzzles and waited. I knew once she was there we were gonna get dropped off downtown and my energy would be put to the test, so I was in no hurry. She got there about 11:20am and we recognized each other immediately, which is funny since all we ever did was email each other. We were very close in age and story and hit it off right away. We caught our ride and headed to "downtown" Park City.

If you have never been to Salt Lake or Park City in the winter, you are missing out. It is absolutely gorgeous. We enjoyed the ride to Park City and after some confusion as to where we were storing our luggage, we were finally strolling the streets of downtown looking for a place to have lunch. We found a nice little place that overlooked the street so we could people watch while we ate a leisurely lunch. After lunch we walked down the hall and found a polygymist shop!! It was crazy! It was an entire store devoted to all things polygymist, t-shirts, hats, mugs, etc. I have to say it cracked us up. Unfortunately I didn't have my camera, but Deb did and she took some pictures. I'll share them with you when she sends them to me. A polygymist shop, never thought I'd see that!!

Once we got to the house I took a nap for about 30 minutes before I joined the group. If I didn't get some rest I was never going to be able to participate in any sharing, so I powernapped and then joined the group and met the rest of the woman. We were all over 30, most in our 40's and all currently in some sort of treatment for metastatic breast cancer. We shared the gap in support groups that most are for breast cancer, but metastatic breast cancer is a whole 'nether beast. If you are Stage 1, 2 or 3 your odds of overcoming are pretty good, once you hit MBC you are dealing with a chronic lifelong disease that is never going away. Your treatment may ebb and wain, but you will always be fighting the battle. MBC just doesn't go away. It was so enlightening to hear these woman's stories, their battles, their thoughts about their disease and their plans for the future. We shared, we laughed, we cried and stayed up late into the evening holding hands and hearts.

Saturday nearly all of us slept in until about 8 then sat around and drank coffee most the morning. I think a few might have gone snow shoeing, the weather was lovely and there were no planned activities. We were supposed to have lunch at 11am then spend some time downtown before coming back for facials and massages, but the lunch service was terrible and we didn't get done until after 1:30. So half of us headed back to start being pampered and the rest stayed downtown for awhile. When it was all said and done everyone had been pampered and then we were treated to one-on-one discussions with a local physician. It was very helpful, we could ask anything and the questions were in-depth and probing. Very interesting.

Chef Daniel whipped us up a fabulous dinner concoction, he truly earned the name "chef" and we were delighted with a dinner fit for a room of Queens complete with excellent wine. We shared and laughed some more and had a marvelously great time. After dinner we made journals. It was an amusing and enlightening way to spend our evening.

Sunday started with yoga and ended with all of us hugging and crying and sharing address, emails, facebooks, etc. and promising to get together again within the year. One of the gals won a malpractice lawsuit (they missed her cancer and in the interim it metastaticized) and has a huge house in Knoxville and wants all of us to come and visit. That just might happen.

It was a wonderful weekend. I gained 9 new sisters to lift me up and keep me going during this disease. These women get it. We all get it, we understand each other, our ups and downs and our will to survive. If I had to say one thing that we all have in common it is this most powerful urge to overcome the disease and live life. Even if we have to deal with some sort of treatment the rest of our lives, we are determined to survive, and if the energy of the weekend is any indicator, survive we will. I had a great time and am delighted that I went. It was time well spent and refilled my joy and hope meter to overflowing. Despite the challenges, I am still one lucky woman!

Off to the Retreat

2011-01-13T20:15:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write a quick blog before I leave town. The house I am staying in does not have internet access but I will write my experiences and post them while I'm sitting in the airport on my way home on Sunday.

I am excited to be spending time with these 10 brave women. We are all metastatic breast cancer survivors. Some of us are still in treatment, some of us have been out of treatment for awhile. I think it is an incredible opportunity to link hands and heart and praise where we are now...for we are all alive, despite the odds. I need this in my life right now. I need strong and loving hands wrapped around me nourishing me with the miracle of hope. That is my expectation for the weekend. That we will encourage and enlighten each other and lift one another up into the glorious blinding light that is hope.

People tell me all the time how brave I am; how courageous. I don't know how much truth there is to that, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and believing that the sun will rise tomorrow and I'll still be here. Kicking for one more day. If that is courage, then I accept that, but I think any of us would do the same thing. None of us wants to die, we all have so much to live for, so given similar circumstances I believe that you too would have all the courage you need to keep going. For the human condition is to live and to love. What I have learned about courage is that it is more effective when infused with hope. It is easier to be brave when you have hope for a future.

So I am going on a journey in search of renewed hope. My hope meter is waning and needs to be recharged and I think this is just the group of ladies to do it. Pray for good weather, no delays and lots of joy interlaced with the beauty of hope.

Hope

2011-01-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

Someone said that there are no hopeless situations only those of us who have lost hope. I think there is alot of truth to that and I don't want to be one of those people who loses hope. I have had my moments over the last few days where I have teetered on the edge of hopelessness. I realize the news wasn't terrible, it could be SO much worse, but the fact that the tumor has grown at all means that it is still alive and still able to take over. My hope was that the radiation had truly killed the tumor and even if it didn't shrink, it wouldn't grow either. Its growth took my breath away. I met with Dr. Iuliano yesterday and we looked at my scans from head to hips and it is great news that my body is clear. I still worry that once we take away the chemo the cancer will rage its way back through my body, but I need to overcome that fear. I need to trust in God that it will stay away, my body will continue to be clear of cancer. The brain is a whole other problem. Dr. Iuliano was not convinced that there is a new tumor, there is a chance that it is a blood vessel that lit up under contrast that has never lit up before. It is small and undefined, so we really won't know for sure until we do another MRI in two months and see what happens to the spot. Its a small spot, but again, its still another spot. Its hard to stay positive and keep the hopelessness at bay.

So I turn my face upward and feel the light of God shine down on me and soak in His love and comfort. That is the only way I can keep my hope alive; trust in God to carry me when I can no longer walk, and my legs are feeling awful weak right now. I am counting on God to lift me up.

I am hoping that the retreat this weekend will be an experience of God's love and grace. I will be spending time with a small group of woman who have had or are currently going through metastatic breast cancer and they have felt the fear and hopelessness of this disease. I am praying they can help to lift me back up to the joy and optomism I have felt previously. I am determined to beat cancer and believe with all my heart that I can survive this; I just need to get over the hump of this latest news and remember all the gifts in my life. I am so incredibly blessed, I have an awesome family and circle of friends who show me so much love and support. I am leaning on you, my friends, and counting on you to keep Gods love shining through you. Together we can keep the hope alive.

The News

2011-01-10T15:01:00.000-08:00

It's a good news bad news sort of day. The results of the scans are in...(drum roll) and the winner is...The CT Scan! It shows all clear from cancer in my body including lungs, lymph nodes, heart, kidney, abdomen, etc. There is some leftover scar tissue, which is to be expected, but no mets. Awesome news.

The loser, The MRI. Not only did the tumors not go away but the one which is left increased slightly in size (3mm) and a new one (5mm) has appeared. Dr. Rado is cautious about panicking, since the increase is so minimal, the new spot is so small and mostly fascinating is there is no edema (swelling) associated with the tumors, which there usually is. But leave it to me to be different! I go from incredible swelling back at the beginning to no swelling now, when it should be. Strange. So, Dr. Rado wants to redo the MRI scan in 2 months and see what these two little critters have done and in the meantime continue the current chemo regimen. That includes continuing on the Abraxane, which is really for the body not the brain (it doesn't cross the blood-brain barrier) but since I am doing the other drugs I might as well continue this too just in case there are some hanger-oner cancer cells roaming about my body just waiting to make a comeback. So my standard therapy will continue over the next two months and then in early March we will redo the MRI and reexamine.

To say I am disappointed would be an understatement. I had suspicions that the tumor in my brain had not reduced at all and perhaps had grown. I can tell by my symptoms. They are not better or worse, just the same. I easily loose my balance and trip on my right leg, which sometimes forgets to pick itself up when I'm walking. Especially up and down stairs. I am waiting for the day when I crash on the stairs. I have fell going up the stairs quite a few times when I caught my right foot while it was lazy and didn't raise high enough to clear the step. I try to be very careful and hold the railing, but I just never know when I'll forget or maybe step and miss the railing. Its in my nature to hurry up and down those stairs and has been a real change of lifestyle to climb or descend the stairs with slow trepidation. I have misgivings about my stairs, and I don't want them to be my downfall (ha ha).

So I am slowly preparing for my trip to Utah this weekend. Pray for good weather! I have found out that one of the other attendees and I will sort of be "stuck" downtown for about 4.5 hours waiting for the rest of the group to arrive and the house we are staying in to be open, which is 5pm. I am a little nervous about having the energy to roam around a city for that many hours less than 5 days after chemo, but we can always take refuge in a starbucks or something and waste away a few hours. I do not know if she is in treatment or not, she sent an email introducing herself but didn't say anything about her status. I wanted to wait to respond until after today when I knew for certain whether I would be recovering from chemo, so I will write her tonight and give her my details. I will have to share a room with another attendee which is really hard for me. I am a restless sleeper, get up many times a night to use the bathroom and with all my sinus problems I believe I snore something terrible. I feel sorry for my roommate, I'll bring her some earplugs!

So two more months of this cycle and then we are going to check the brain again. Hopefully the cells will show a response and this time, it will be for the good! I am truly ready to get this treatment over but have in some ways resigned myself that this is me, this is my new life and it will forever be about surviving cancer one day at a time. But if I think about it, that's really what we are all doing, surviving our lives one day at a time. Overcoming obstacles, leaping over hurdles, sprinting when the situation warrants it. But we are all survivors, every day we make it to lay our head on the pillow one more time, count it a success. You survived.

Laughter

2011-01-05T11:37:00.000-08:00

I look outside at the gloomy and dreary weather and wonder when our beautiful tri-cities sunshine is going to make a reappearance. This is the longest I think we have ever gone without a break with some warm sunshine on our faces! I hear there is another storm moving in today and when I took out the trash this morning it sure is cold! I'm heading to Park City, Utah in a few weeks and I don't think I can look forward to finding warm sunshine there. They have offered hiking and snow shoeing, neither of which I will take advantage of, I think I'll curl up with a good book or use my computer if there is wireless. There are massage and facials on Saturday afternoon and I am really looking forward to that! I got the schedule today and it looks like it will be a great retreat and I hope to gleen alot of good information from the other attendees. I just hope the weather is decent, with this crazy national weather I may get snowed in on either end of the trip! Pray for safe and on time travel. I am flying direct to Utah but come through Seattle on the way home.

Peyton is back at school this week and her classes start at 6:50am, so she has early mornings every day. She is working three nights a week, so by Friday she is going to be pretty tired. She is enjoying most of her classes, but she has one teacher with a strong french accent and has a hard time understanding him. She said she tries to take alot of notes and is glad that he lectures from the textbook.

Jessie is going to come over and visit today and I can't wait to see him this afternoon! He always brightens my day and makes me smile and laugh. I need to laugh more, laughter is good for the soul and makes my days so much better. If I can laugh everyday, then the day is complete. It relieves pain, improves my mood and takes away any bad that may have happened. Any unpleasantness that may have occurred simply slips away, replaced by a lightness in my heart that lasts the rest of the day.

Find something to laugh about today. Real laughing, the kind that goes all the way down into your belly and rises up into the very core of your soul and makes tears run down your face. No matter what happens during your day, laughter will brighten your life and bring in some sunshine, even if the sun refuses to cooperate!

2011, So far so good

2011-01-04T10:19:00.000-08:00

I really enjoyed church on Sunday. Monte wasn't the speaker, and the guy who spoke wasn't that great, he kept talking about how wonderful his 2010 was and all the fabulous things that happened to him and his family which sort of irritated me since my 2010 sucked. I am happy for him and his family that they had a great year, but not all of us did, so acknowledge that. However it was nice to be around the family of God, and singing songs of praise with fellow believers. Monte will be back next week, so I'll go again next week and hear what he has to say about 2011 and what God is going to do for the year. I am counting on Him to make this a better year and I acknowledge my participation in having a good year. I can't just sit back and expect God to just heal me, I must be an active participant in my healing. I must take responsibility for my part. The new drug they have given me has increased my appetite and I have actually gained a few pounds which will make the doctors happy on Monday. I actually had three meals yesterday! That is the first time in months that I have had all three meals. I have been lucky to eat one meal per day. I want to be careful, though, I don't want to gain a bunch of weight and blow back up to fatness again! I like my weight right now, so I need to work on maintenance and correct caloric input to give my body the nutrition it needs to keep fighting this disease.

My CT and MRI are on Friday and I am cautiously optimistic. I am fairly certain that the tumor is still in my brain but I'd be happy to know that it hasn't grown and no additional tumors have shown up in my brain or anywhere else. I hope the contrast fluid goes down better this time. Last time I ended up only keeping down one dose. It was weird, I had never had a problem before drinking the contrast.

I am getting tired of winter already. This winter sure is cold. I don't remember a recent winter with so much moisture and cold, and there is no end in sight! I'm ready for spring, for warm air and bright sunshine. As much as I am enjoying my fireplace I would gladly turn it off for a nice day of sunshine.

I'm off to physical therapy to work on this persistent lymphedema. I am working on getting approval for a new type of machine that works like getting a lymph massage which could really help. Insurance has denied it, so we are appealing. My brother uses one for the lymphedema in his leg and it works great. It is used for one hour per day which is easy to do, watch TV for an hour and let the machine do its work.

Have a great day, keep smiling. As far as 2011, so far so good!

Church?

2011-01-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

Sunday. What are my plans for the day. I am toying with the idea of going to church over at The Living Room with Tina and Gary. I feel the need to have some comradie of other believers in my life. Then there is always the question if I don't go to church and I die, who does my service? I always can count on Keith Price, a preacher friend of mine down in Heppner, but I would like to have a relationship with a church who would challenge my faith and help me grow my beliefs and improve my communication with God. I talk to Him all the time, and I know He is listening, but there is a longing inside of me to be with other believers. I think it would help my sadness and improve my attitude. So, its only 8:37, the service is not until 11am, so I have plenty of time to get ready. I won't be putting on lashes, that would be too much work and I don't think God cares whether I show up with eyelashes or not, it might make other people uncomfortable, the bald girl with no eyebrows or eyelashes. But its church, so there should be no second glance, no judgement. I went to this church before, and I love the music and Monte is a great speaker but no matter how hard I tried, I could not connect with the people there, it was very clicky. I tried to join groups, Peyton tried to work in the nursery, but doors were shut at each turn. Maybe now that the church is more grown and established and I know a few people there, it might be better. If I don't try, I'll never know. And my heart is pushing me to go, so I should listen to my heart. It hasn't steered me wrong yet. I'll let you know how it goes.

Peyton won't go with me, she was really burned by a few different things that happened at various churches and a terrible incident that happened with Younglife that turned her off to organized religion. I don't blame her, it was very very non-christian behavior and I wouldn't want her to be involved with those type of incredibly judgemental people either. Not the type of people you want your daughter to emulate.

So, I'll contact Tina and see if there is a seat for me next to her and I'll try it out. It can't hurt and it might help my viewpoint as I move into the new year. I want to survive to 2012, and this just might help. I haven't really made any resolutions, per se, other than to survive and that requires little steps like taking better care of myself, keeping my attitude positive, eating right, exercising. The drugs alone aren't going to do it, especially if I listen to the FDA who is questioning the efficacy of two of my drugs. So, I must add all the other healing techniques I can to beat this disease.

Off to church. I'll sing, pray, raise my hands if so inclined and soak in all the love that God provides. I'll let it wash over me, filling my body and stimulating my soul. I believe in the power of our almighty Lord and the incredible force of prayer, let it rain down on me.

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T18:34:00.000-08:00

Its here, 2011! I am confident that this year is going to see better things for me and my family. Mike and I spent the evening in, playing games and snacking, drinking champagne and sparkling cider. I was triumphant on all the games, which bodes well for the future. Starting out winning is always good, but I felt bad for Mike. I whooped him in Yahtzee then killed him in Gin. We celebrated New York New Years and I was in bed a little after 10pm only to be woke up close to midnight with my neighbors fireworks display. The dogs went ballistic, they are terrified of fireworks so I spend the next hour trying to keep them calm and assuring them that the world wasn't coming to an end and the noises would go away soon. I got back to sleep about 12:30, so I guess I got to ring in the New Year after all. Peyton woke me up when she got home and told me about her night so I got to hug her and wish her a happy new year too. All in all, it was a great night and a wonderful way to bring in 2011. I was feeling pretty good, so I was able to enjoy my time with Mike (and the dogs...).

My energy level seems to be increasing and I spent the better part of the day putting away decorations and taking down the tree. I stayed pretty busy until I joined my parents for a little football and snacks late in the afternoon. By the time I got home, the activity of the day had caught up with me and exhaustion had set in. I am going to do the best I can to stay up until at least 9pm, I sleep better if I stay up later. Otherwise I wake up at 5 or 6 in the morning and can't get back to sleep. So I thought, well, I'll blog, check email and watch a little NCIS marathon. I love NCIS.

I hope I continue to feel better. I would like to attack my basement which has become a catch all for anything we don't know what to do with. I have bags of stuff for Goodwill and things that probably need to just go to the dump. Peyton has cleaned out her closet and is taking some of her clothes to Plato's Closet and the rest will go to Goodwill. She has alot of nice clothes, so I hope someone can use them. I need to go through my clothes too, but now is not a good time since my weight has fluctuated so much I wouldn't know what size to keep and which size to get rid of! I certainly hope I never need the large sizes again, but if I were to go back on steroids I would balloon back up and need those fat clothes again. So for now, my closet will stay overstuffed, just in case.

The days just sort of flow into each other anymore. I don't work so I have a hard time keeping my days straight and my life has become a blur of random, mostly non-essential, activities. Everything revolves around how I feel, the severity of the side affects on each given day. My sinuses are so raw from the Avastin that I can't walk outside in the cold anymore, so I am considering starting to go to the gym and give the treadmill a try a few days a week. I need to get some exercise and I miss walking. I still have a membership to Hansen Park Fitness, I just hate going to a gym in my condition with all the "beautiful people" (the regular workout people who look fantastic, watching their perfect bodies in the mirrors) and me barely able to do 3-miles per hour on the treadmill. I know I make people uncomfortable with my bald head and fragile health, but I guess that is just too bad, that is their problem, not mine. The Cancer Center has a restorative yoga class on Fridays, but I have to pay for them, so I should use what I already pay for, which is the gym.

I am not one for resolutions, but this year I made an exception. My resolution is to live to see 2012. This is one I'll have to work hard for, but definitely a do-able goal! Hope your New Years was grand!

Almost New Years!

2010-12-30T10:20:00.000-08:00

Well the new year is just around the corner. Are you ready? I can't believe that 2010 is finally almost over and a new year is about to begin. Thank Goodness! This year has been tough for the Taylor family and I am looking forward to turning that clock over to 2011 and starting the year fresh and new. My retreat to Park City, Utah for Metastatic Breast Cancer survivors will be a positive way to start the year and I looking forward to getting to know other women in my situation and hearing their point of view, how they keep their attitude positive, handle the side effects, keep their friendships alive, stay in charge of their households and their families. I am excited to learn about someone elses perspective on this chronic disease and how they deal with the unique challenges it presents.

The week after I get back Peyton will get her wisdom teeth out, which will not be a pleasant experience, but necessary. I am not going to watch thousands of dollars worth of orthodontic work go down the drain because she doesn't have room for any more teeth! I am sure they have modernized the procedure and it won't be near as bad as it was almost 30 years ago when I had it done. I hear from her friends that they were up and around in a day or so. So I don't think it will be near the experience that I remember. I hope its a piece of cake for her. I hate the thought of her in any pain or discomfort.

My next doctors appointment and chemo is scheduled for January 10th. I won't know until then if I am going to keep going with chemo or not. It will depend on the outcome of my scans and the status of my medications. As long as I stay on Avastin I can keep getting it, but if I take a break, I don't know if I can get approved to go back on. That makes a difference too. If I can't get back on it after taking a break I would say no break, keep going and taking the medicine that is saving my life. I am tolerating it okay. I have my tough days, but they are not unbearable and I want this gone, GONE. I don't want to risk it sneaking back up on me.

I hope you have wonderful plans for New Years and that you ring in 2011 with a heart full of love surrounded by people who bring you joy. God bless you in the upcoming year. Its going to be a year worth living, so grab it with gusto!

Round 6 is done

2010-12-28T11:01:00.000-08:00

The final dose of round 6 is in and I received some good news regarding my ability to continue to get Avastin even though the FDA has rescinded its approval. Those of us who are already on the drug will continue to receive it. What we don't know is if I take a break from the drug, can I get back on it. That is the question that I will ask at my next appointment with Dr. Rado on January 10th. I don't want to take a break from chemo and then not be able to get back on it. So I don't know much right now as far as further treatment. Alot will depend on the outcome of the scans on January 7th. But even if they show clearing, there is always the concern of little pieces of cancer roaming about my body just awaiting the chance to take hold again. My tendency is to keep going, the chemo isn't fun, but its not so bad, I can still live my life, albeit a little differently than before, and there is some comfort in knowing that I am actively fighting the disease. I will have more answers when I see Dr. Rado and am looking forward to the discussion and exploring my options for the future of my disease.

The Zomeda may be affecting my jaw. That is a possible side effect, it eats away at your jawbone. Crazy, eh? My jaw has been sore and I attributed it to the dental work I had a few months ago, but its not getting better so I need to talk to Dr. Rado about that too. There may be alternatives to taking Zomeda, and there have been questions from the FDA about the efficacy of Zomeda, although they did say it worked better in post-menopausal women, which I am. Chemo pushed me through early menopause 5 years ago. So, Zomeda may continue to be the best option to keep the cancer out of my bones.

Insurance continues to concern me, but I know somehow it will work out and I'll find a carrier when my Cobra runs out. The cost will probably be outrageous, but it is a necessity no matter what the cost. Right now I am waiting until March to do further exploration since my Cobra doesn't run out until May and I have to exhaust my Cobra in order to get private insurance without enduring pre-existing condition clauses.

The week has been quiet. Peyton is home from school and work, so we are just hanging out together. Mason came back from Canada Sunday night, so I know she is glad to have him home again. He spends quite a bit of time over here and with Peyton's new wall mounted flat screen high definition TV they watch alot of TV. He left for a game today but I think is back tomorrow to play here. Then there is, of course, the big New Years match up with Spokane, always a sell-out high energy crowd. I hope they win.

I hope you are settling back into the post holiday week and things are quiet and calm. New Years is just around the corner, but I doubt we will do anything. I am usually in bed between 9 and 10 and I can't imagine making it to midnight the first week of chemo. Mike and I will probably get together to have dinner, play some cards and celebrate New York New Year. I hope your New Years is a wonderful time and that 2011 ushers in a new light and life. I pray you are blessed beyond belief and that the year finds you healthy and happy and your days are full of joy. Of course, joy is a state of mind. You can be joyful in the midst of strife if you choose to; so choose joy. Its always the better place to be.

Christmas

2010-12-27T15:03:00.000-08:00

I hope you had a joyous holiday. I know that mine was wonderful, one to remember. If God does not allow me another Christmas, I can die with a smile in my heart over Christmas 2010. We went to church on Christmas Eve at "The Living Room" and they had the Ashante Childrens Choir from Rwanda performing. They were awesome. We then all came to my house for pizza. My traditional Christmas eve present is new pj's and I was a little worried that Jessie would be bummed that the gift he opened wasn't a toy, how wrong I was! He loved opening the present, that was the gift. He hugged the box and said "I love my box" and I had to tell him, "look, there is something in the box." "Really?" he tore open the box. "I got a blanket, I love my blanket!" "No sweetie, its not a blanket, its pajamas." "REALLY! I LOVE MY PAJAMAS! Do YOU have pajamas?" Whereupon he took the time to open everyone's pajamas. It was precious. He then tried on his pajamas and wore them the rest of the night.

After everyone was gone and it was just Peyton and I, we engaged on our tradition, reading The Night Before Christmas and Grinch and then watching the old Grinch cartoon narrated by Boris Karloff. As we read to each other, sitting close on the couch, I could barely keep the tears away. During the movie, my big grownup daughter became my little girl again, curling up under my arm, letting me hold her as we sang along with the Whos. I hope I get to do this for many years to come. It is our tradition and it makes our holiday complete. But if somehow my life comes to an end, I hope she always remembers me holding her singing the Who Christmas song. I know its forever etched in my mind and on my heart.

Christmas morning began at my house about 8am and there was no chaos that would normally be associated with having a three year old in the house, he was so excited about everything. Didn't matter what it was, he was thrilled with it! I was a beautiful lesson in gratitude. We should all be so grateful for the smallest of things. After all the presents were done, I made my traditional biscuits and gravy, and then we enjoyed playing games for the afternoon. Peyton had me buy the family "Pictionary Man" and "Mad Gab" and we had a blast. We laughed until tears were running down our faces. What a perfect day.

Then it was off to mom's for a great dinner of ham and all the fixins. Elena and Jessie had to head out to her parents house for part of the day so it was just the immediate family (Gma, Gpa, me, Mike, Peyton and Houston) and we must have sat at the table for at least an hour after dinner talking and laughing and enjoying each others company. Finally, my energy was waning and I headed home. Peyton stayed and helped clean up and move food from the inside fridge to the one in the garage because the compressor went out in their fridge on Christmas eve. God bless her for staying and helping. What a great gift to give my parents, her help.

It was a beautiful day. It was not about what we got, it was about what we did. It was about our laughter and our giving of ourselves. It was about sharing time with each other and being a family. A family who loves and gives to each other no matter the challenges that have befallen us or the transgressions we have beset against each other. We forgive. We forget the bad and hold on to the good. And we hold on to each others hearts, the most precious gift of all. May this New Year bring us many more moments of laughter and tears of joy. It won't be perfect but as long as we are all together, it will be full of pleasure and delight.

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

Are you ready? This is the last day to wrap, buy, clean, cook... Hopefully you have been able to get most everything done so that you can enjoy your Christmas eve. I am done, of course I don't work so I have an advantage on all you people with full time jobs and kids. I need to clean my house today, but I don't go overboard since its just my family, kids and pets who make a mess the minute I'm done cleaning anyway!

Mom and I are going to church tonight at "The Living Room", I love their music and Monte does a wonderful sermon. We are going to pick up a couple of pizzas from Papa Murphys to cook when we get back. Everyone is coming over here since I have Christmas eve traditional presents...pajamas. My kids always get pj's on Christmas eve. Back in the old days Peyton and I would get matching pj's and she used to get so excited to be dressed just like mom. Those days are gone, her style is definately different than mine. So we all get our own style, but we have new pj's when we open our presents on Christmas morning. Its tradition.

Mike and I drove around last night and looked at Christmas lights. There are quite a few beautiful displays out there (my house included!) but I have to say that the Senske lights are nothing short of spectacular. If you haven't gone over and sat in your car to watch the dancing lights, make sure to drive over, I believe they are up through the new year. You tune your radio station to 100.1 and just watch the lights dance in unison to the music. It is wonderful. I plan on going back over again to watch some more. I don't think I could tire of watching, it is so fabulous. So, if you haven't gone yet, load up the family in the car and get on over there! Its worth the drive.

I am so excited for this holiday. When you are facing a life threatening illness like I am I can't be sure if this is going to be the last time I get to enjoy this holiday with my family. Of course, none of us know if we will be here next year. Life is so unpredictable. We never know what might happen to any of us. So bite into the holiday with gusto, let the juices drip down your chin and spill on the floor around you. Don't bother to clean it up, revel in its mess and the beauty of its joy. Gaze around the room, look at the faces of those around you, love them, appreciate their presence in your life and give thanks to God for the gift of family and most of all for the gift of Christ. Remember that is why we are celebrating. Amidst all the bows and ribbons is the birth of a tiny little baby who came to redeem us all. Every one of us. Not just a select few, but everyone. He was born and died for you, for me, even for that person you might not like. God sent him for all of us. So somewhere in your holiday sing Happy Birthday to Jesus. When the kids were little we would do a birthday cake every Christmas and sing to Him. So take time to remember the reason for the season. If there weren't one present under the tree, Christmas would still be Christmas. Take a lesson from the Whos. Even when the Grinch took everything, they still joined hands and sang...heart to heart and hand to hand.

So sing your joy. Raise your voices. Praise God. Give thanks. Happy Birthday Jesus!

Christmas is almost here!

2010-12-22T09:07:00.000-08:00

Well we are only a few days away from Christmas. I am done shopping, as long as I stay out of the stores and don't see that "one more thing that I HAVE to get for...." Everything is wrapped and Santas stocking stuffers are all separated and ready to go in their places on Christmas eve. Peyton still has some wrapping to do, and I'll probably help her wrap, I love to wrap presents. I love decorating them best, making them all shiny and pretty. The cat likes all the sparkly pretty trimmings too! I keep having to shoo her out from under the tree and quite a few presents have lost their bows thanks to her playfulness. The dogs have been great about leaving the tree and its presents alone. Kyra I had no doubt would leave stuff alone, she is old and doesn't chew stuff up, but Sophie, we weren't sure what she would do with all those pretty wrappings enticing her, but she is really improving her behavior and the only problem I have is her getting paper and kleenex out of the trash. I can handle that, its annoying, but better than shoes!

I am feeling pretty good this week. I still get tired easy but am able to get up and around and do household tasks, then I'll rest in the afternoon. I am not able to walk the dogs, I can't handle being out in the cold. The Avastin has left my sinuses raw and bloody and the cold causes alot of pain. I saw Dr. Schwartz and he has me on a gel to moisturize the tissue and it seems to be helping a little. They don't hurt as much and the pain doesn't last as long when it does occur. I am going to go back and see him again in January and see how I'm doing. It may fix itself if I lose access to Avastin! If it looks like its going to be pulled off the market soon I'm going to try to get as many doses in as I can before the FDA intrudes into my healing. Avastin is working for me. The little tumor is completely gone, so I hope we can fight and keep me on this drug until the other one is completely gone too.

I am so excited for Christmas. Having my family here together. We will start here with presents and Cinnabons at about 8am. Should be crazy with a 3 year old who is fully aware how to open presents! Every time he comes over he wants to start opening everything under the tree! Then I'll make my trademark biscuits and gravy for breakfast. We'll relax for the day and then go to my parents house for dinner. We are still debating over the menu, Peyton wants ham (she always wants ham) and dad and I want prime rib. Maybe both??

I hope you are not so caught up in the hustle and bustle of the season that you don't have the time to sit back and enjoy the little moments that you come across everyday. Feel the joy of the season. Slow down, look at the lights on the houses, listen to the music, enjoy the season. Its a wonderful time to be alive.

Drug Controversy

2010-12-17T10:46:00.000-08:00

There was a little tidbit on the news this morning that the FDA is going to revoke its approval for the drug Avastin. They indicated that the side effects of the drug do not outweight the benefits and that the clinical trails indicate that this drug "failed to show it prolonged life among brest cancer patients." This is contrary to the study that I read when I was first put on this drug and where the studies showed remarkable results. If FDA revokes its approval, it would no longer be covered by insurance and would cost thousands of dollars out of pocket if the patient and their physician want to continue on the drug. All is not lost though, the drug company has 15 days to appeal the decision. This drug is my only hope. It is the only drug which crosses the blood-brain barrier and has a chance at fighting this tumor in my brain. It has showed results in my case, my small tumor is all but gone and I planned on using Avastin to fight the rest of this tumor back. This is not good news for me, so hopefully the drug company can get an appeal through so that for us patients where this is a last chance drug can continue to use it. Say your prayers, this is a real setback for cancer patients.

There has also been some controvery on the effectiveness of Zometa, the bone strengthening drug that I am on, but initial reports indicate that current users may not be affected. There are other drugs that work like Zometa, so there are other options, but with Avastin, there is no other option. Avastin is a unique drug that actually gets into the brain where other drugs cannot go.

So this has me concerned about my current treatment, a treatment I believed in my heart would work against this current spread. Alot is also going on in my life with my health insurance which is got me reeling, praying I can find coverage to bridge the gap between when my Cobra ends and when my Medicare kicks in. I cannot go without insurance and there is going to be a gap in coverage later in Spring. I am planning on meeting with an insurance agent in March to start looking at my options. I was going to appeal the social security disability date to close the gap in coverage, but it will take 18 months to appeal. Hell, in 18 months I won't need the appeal, I'll be without my Cobra and not eligible for Medicare yet. What a mess. So I just put my faith in God that what will be will be and that somehow this will all work out for the best. But to say all these issues aren't causing me a bit of stress would be a lie. I am going to do the best I can to try to just ride it out and keep the faith.

We recheduled Peyton's wisdom tooth extraction. She really doesn't want to miss New Years Eve, and I can't really blame her. Mason plays that night and it is always a big game. I don't blame her for wanting to be a part of it. So she is now scheduled for Jan. 20th after I get back from my breast cancer retreat. I didn't want to miss that either but I have to be here to take care of my daughter after this surgery. I am sure this procedure has come a long way since I was 18 so hopefully it will be a tolerable experience.

So challenges await. We'll know more next time we meet with Rado, but I will go under the assumption that I will continue on this drug as long as I can. I don't see any options out there that work with my stage and type of cancer, so this is my hope. I will keep on as long as I can. Say your prayers that this controvery gets worked out and that those of us who are on it and it is working will continue to be able to take the drug. That's the best we can do.

Christmas is Coming!

2010-12-16T10:25:00.000-08:00

I received the coolest present last night. One of my friends got me a fluffy robe and had it embroidered with a pink ribbon on the front that says "find the cure" and a pink pair of boxing gloves on the back with the words "I'm a Fighter". It touched my heart and brought a huge smile to my face. I love it, not only is is comfy but so appropriate. So thank you thank you Angela. I will treasure this always and wear it proud, as a fighter.

I've been feeling pretty puny this week and am on a new medication that is supposed to stimulate my appetite. Its oral and tastes horrible, but if it works, I guess it will be worth it. I lost more weight again and they are really worried about me getting enough nutrition to keep up the fight. I bought some protein shakes to take as a supplement when I can't eat so maybe that will help too. I weigh myself every day and keep seeing the number go down, so I hope to have it start going up again. Goodness knows I don't want to get fat again, but I do need to stabilize my weight. I'm trying!

I wrote mom and dad an email last night, but I haven't heard back. They get to use the computers for free because of their platinum status on Princess Cruises so I figure I'll hear back today or tomorrow. I assured them that their puppy was doing fine, had given up her hunger strike and is eating again. Peyton is doing good staying there, I know she misses her home, her own bed, but only two more nights.

Peyton's wisdom teeth have started coming in...ack! They are really bothering her and I made an appointment with the oral surgeon but the earliest appointment is Dec. 28th with surgery on Dec. 31st. So she won't have a very good New Years Eve, but we need it as soon as possible so she doesn't have to miss too much school or work. She is on the cancellation list to get in earlier, if possible, next week would be ideal, then she'd have plenty of time to heal before school starts. So, I told Mike I will probably be taking care of a post-op patient for New Years Eve. Too much fun! She doesn't handle pain medicine well, they can make her real nauseas, so we are going to have a good talk with the oral surgeon on what he is prescribing so we can keep her as comfortable as possible. I hate that she has to go through this, getting your wisdom teeth out are miserable, but necessary.

I have few more small things to buy and Santa needs to work on stockings. I need more little stuff to put in their stockings but not spend too much, and I can spend alot on stockings! So I'm going to write a good list and stick to it, hoping I can keep the cost down.

Hope your holiday season is joyous and calm and not full of stress and tension. Calm down and enjoy, enjoy the treats, the company of your friends and family, and the sheer joy of the season. Take the time to visit and share with your friends and family and don't forget to tell them how much you love them and what they mean to you.

Round 6

2010-12-15T09:27:00.001-08:00

Well round 6 dose 1 is in. This is my last scheduled dose. I have dose 2 on Dec. 27 and then my CT and MRI on Jan. 7 and then another dose of chemo tentatively scheduled for Jan. 10th. I'll see Dr. Rado, see how my scans are and make the decision whether to continue chemo or take a break. Alot will depend on the status of the brain tumor, has it grown, has it shrunk, has it remained the same. I really have no sense as to what the tumor is doing. I still have problems with headaches and numbness and balance on my right side. To me, that means the tumor is still there. I have not gotten worse, so that feels good. I feel like if it had grown, my symptoms would be worsening, not staying the same. Of course there is the rest of my body we have to check too, hopefully it has not spread anywhere else in my body. I am praying that the rest of my body continues to stay clear of disease. So keep the prayers coming.

I felt pretty crummy yesterday. All I wanted was the day to be over so I could go to bed and wake up today and feel better. So far today, I'm okay. I have a PT appointment this morning to work on the swelling in my arm which will be nice. I always feel better when my swelling is down. But then I'll get my shot of neupogen which always knock me on my butt.

Mom and dad are still on their cruise, hopefully having a great time and not worrying too much about me or their dog. Or maybe I should put Lucy first. They worry about her terribly when they are gone! But Peyton is taking great care of her, walking her and the other puppies everyday. I miss having Peyton here, its quiet with her gone, she'll be home on Saturday night and things will get back to normal. I miss my parents when they are gone. They are such an integral part of every day so when they are gone there is an emptiness to my days, something is just missing. My house is quiet without my family around.

Almost done with Christmas. I have a few cards left to do and a few small presents left to buy, but most is done and I have even wrapped a good portion of them. I just have to decorate the presents and get them under the tree. The tree is beautiful, its just missing presents! I am hoping to feel good enough today to get something done, I wasn't able to do much of anything yesterday. I am trying a new drug to help my appetite. I lost another 6 pounds and I really need to stop losing weight. Its a liquid that I drink every day and tastes nasty, but if it works, its worth it.

All for now, off to PT. Have a wonderful day enjoying the glimpses of sunshine out there!

Party was Great

2010-12-12T11:28:00.000-08:00

I was honored to attend the Kadlec Christmas party last night and I had to say it was awesome. I felt good since I'm two days from my next chemo and got to hug and visit with so many of my friends, tell them how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I hope I took every chance to let my friends know they are loved and that they are an important part of my life. Because they are so important to me. I hope that things go well with my treatment and within the next year I am an integral part of that family again. Kadlec, not only a higher level of care, but a higher level of employer, one I hope to be a part of for many years to come. Thank you to Kristen for inviting me to join her, it was an honor to sit with the folks from HR, what a great group you are. We were right next to the admin table so I got to spend some time with them too and hear a bit of chatter about what is going on in my former department.

I am going to the Nutcracker this afternoon. My friend, Sherri, her little boy, Noah, is in the party scene and I promised I would go see him perform. I am looking forward to seeing the show, I didn't get to go last year, that darn hospital stay last Christmas season took away alot of my holiday activities. I am bringing kleenex, because I know I will cry. I always do, remembering Peyton up there dancing so beautifully, before her injury forced her to give up her dream of dancing. She was going to go too, but she got sick this morning, and has been throwing up today. She doesn't feel like going nor does she want to expose me to the stomach flu, especially with chemo tomorrow. That would be the last thing I need! I am just sorry that she is sick. But she is at the gparents taking care of Lucy and she and puppy can just lay together on the couch today and rest. I miss having her here. The house just seems empty without her energy.

I am enjoying my new recliner more than I can say. I had no idea a Lazyboy would be so comfortable. I just sink down into it and relax, enjoying my holiday decorations, the lights of the tree, surrounded by the beauty of the season.

Chemo tomorrow, dose 6. We will get the CT and MRI scheduled and will know a little bit more about the path forward. I am praying it is clear so I can start getting my health back and get moving back into my regular life. Its there, waiting for me, I'm ready to dive in!

Christmas Preparation

2010-12-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

Well mom and dad are off on their cruise to Mexico for the next seven days. Mom called from Los Angeles last night and they will set sail at 4pm today. Their first port of call is Puerto Vallarta so for the next few days they will sit on their penthouse patio, yes, they got upgraded to a penthouse, and enjoy the vista of the beautiful pacific ocean going by them. How wonderful will that be! They have been on so many cruises that they enjoy the relaxation of it all, the service, the food. I am glad they get to do this to celebrate their 52 anniversary. What an accomplishment that is in this society. Not only have they been married for more than half a century, but they continue to enjoy each others company and spend most all their time together. We could all be so lucky to be so in love after 50 years. I am so proud of them. I know I'll never have that kind of relationship approaching my 50's but I pray for it for my children, that they will find a soul mate to marry, are able to make it through all the trials of marriage and growing old together. Its such a beautiful thing.

Peyton is taking care of Lucy who has a very hard time when her parents leave town, especially her mommy. She cries when she leaves and then mopes around the house, not playing, not eating, just waiting for them to come back. My parents have a hard time leaving her but I'm glad they have Peyton to trust to take care of Lucy. She does a great job loving her and taking care of her, staying at my parents house so she can have a familiar environment while she mourns the departure of her parents. Our dogs are just so spoiled.

We got the Christmas tree up on Thursday night before my parents left and had the whole family together putting up the ornaments and enjoying the company of each other and the memories that each ornament brings. I love how my grandson grouped ornaments, all the M&Ms and Energizer Bunnies hanging together, and the majority of ornaments on the bottom 2/3 of the tree because thats where he could reach. Now I sit in my new comfortable Lazyboy and turn off all the lights except for the tree and just rest and think. Beautiful memories of Christmas past come rushing behind my eyes, some bringing smiles, some moving me to tears, but all warming my heart with a special joy. This is the best part, the prep for the holiday, the spending the time together, the music and movies, the decorations that each tell a story of their own.

My favorite movie is "Its a Wonderful Life" and I could watch it every night. The story of hope beyond great loss is an important moral. We could lose everything, but if we have each other, we have all we need. So as you are rushing around this holiday season, remember the people that you love and give thanks to God that they are in your life. Treasure the moments you spend with them and let them know how important they are to you and don't forget to tell them you love them. We can never say those words enough. So to all of you...thanks for being in my life; I love you.

Tough Day

2010-12-09T09:58:00.000-08:00

I am ending the year with a bang. I backed into a van in a parking lot yesterday. I don't know where she came from, I am always scared to back into something or someone, so I try to be real careful, but all of the sudden I hear the crush of metal. What an awful sound. I look over and I am against the rear panel of a 70's era econovan. I got out and although I couldn't see any damage to her vehicle (that good ole 70's solid steel construction), mine had definately seen better days. So we pull back into the parking spots to exchange information and I just lost it. The tears started streaming down my face. It was just one more thing on my already overflowing plate that just set me over the edge. I felt sorry for the lady, it was my fault, and she is rubbing my arm asking me if I am oky. I was honest, no, I wasn't okay, I just want to get out of 2011. She was so kind, hugged me and told me she would pray for me. I tried to pull it together unsuccessfully and tears streamed down my face as I wrote down all my information and thought about an insurance claim and what if they cancel me? I can't afford for my insurance rates to go up.

So we finished our business, she had my information, I had hers and although I could see no visible damage on her vehicle, there was definite damage to mine. So I headed over to State Farm to file a claim. Still crying I entered the door of the agency. She handed over the box of kleenex and asked if I was okay. I nodded my assent and began the diatribe of details related to the incident as she entered it into the computer. I told her I doubted there was damage to the van, but just in case, she seemed like the type that would turn it in. She wanted the call the cops, but with it being private parking and all, the cops wouldn't come anyway. Thank God. I really don't need a ticket on top of everything else.

So I left the agency and went straight to my parents. When the going gets tough, the tough go cry on their mother's shoulder and ask their dad to fix their car. Just by serendipity, Mike showed up and while I sobbed in my mothers arms he and my dad they fixed most of the damage, and determined the rest could probably be done relatively cheaply. So, if there was no damage to the van, and I don't turn in my car, no claim, no increase in rates, no worry about cancellation. So I calmed down and finally headed home to drop whatever residual tears were left. Once home I called the lady with the van and asked if she looked further and noticed any damage. She said no, but wanted her husband to look at it. I asked her if there was damage, if I could pay for it rather than go through insurance. She was more than amenable to keeping insurance out of it. I was so relieved. So I called State Farm and again serendipity interrupted and the claim didn't transmit, it errored out when she sent it. So there was no claim. So from the initial shock to a few hours later, the outlook was much better. I had cried all the tears I needed, it was time for a nap.

So I dozed on the couch, Mike was scheduled to come over a 3pm so we could go select a tree for my tree trimming family get together tonight. The next thing I know my mother is coming in the front door with a big balloon and my dad and Mike behind her with a large recliner! They had bought me a Lazyboy for Christmas and it just so happened it was delivered yesterday, when I needed a cheering up the most. We set it up where my old rocker was and I sank into its delicious fabric, leaned back and felt the relaxation take over my body. It was awesome. So I got my present early, since there was no where to really hide it, not to mention, I really needed a boost.

So while it could have been much worse, it turned out okay even though I still have a dent in my rear bumper. I haven't heard from the other driver, she said she'd let me know if they found any damage, so maybe I'm going to get lucky. In the meantime, I'll relax in my new recliner and pray January 1st comes soon and 2011 turns into a better year. Next year just has to be better than this year! (Knock on wood!)

Loss of a Brave Woman

2010-12-08T09:25:00.000-08:00

Elizabeth Edwards lost her battle with breast cancer last night. I don't even know her, but for some reason this news was like a blow to the heart. How could she lose this battle? She was an idol for people fighting this disease. Her strength and fortitude, her grace in the heat of battle. I was certain she would outlive me and suddenly, she is gone, leaving such a young family. It is so very sad. She wished to be remembered for her life, not her death, so to honor her wishes I will remember the words I heard from her in interviews and public appearances; words of wisdom and encouragement for those with and without cancer. She was a beautiful and honorable woman, and for that she will be remembered.

I don't know why this hit me this hard, maybe its because our battle has lasted about the same amount of time. We were diagnosed around the same time and both went into remission and then it came back. They could never get it under control again, and that feels like me, like we can't get mine under control. We keep treating but it doesn't go away, it lingers on continuing to make its presence known in my life. Its vengeance never far from my mind, constantly reminding me to stay on my toes, keep fighting, but most of all to keep living. Because when my time comes, I want to be remembered for the joy and the laughter not for the cancer. I want to leave behind a positive legacy and a knowledge and love can conquer any foe because love lingers on long after our body is released from this place.

So focus on the good and don't dwell on the bad. Look at challenges as opportunities to overcome, as ways to make a difference in this world. And I pray that through this challenge I will be a beacon of light and a model of love and hope in this sometimes dreary world.

Holiday Joy

2010-12-06T09:29:00.000-08:00

Well I have been pretty sick all week. My stomach just can't seem to balance itself with this mixture of chemotherapy. I have lost a lot of weight and now weigh less than I did when this whole thing started. They did give me some pills that take away the nausea and give me an appetite but I the side effects leave me unable to function. I am totally wiped out and don't do anything but just lay and doze or watch TV. So, although I can eat, I can't function and I can't accept that side effect. When I see the doctor next week I'm going to ask if there is anything else we can try. I want to keep my wits about me during this treatment. I am tired enough, I don't need drugs that wipe me out too.

I am moving into feeling better this week and should be able to really enjoy the party this weekend. I bought new dress, which is fabulous and I am so excited to see my Kadlec family. I hope to be able to stay up a little later than normal to allow me to stay and visit and maybe dance for a little while! That would be so fun! I plan on being there right at 6 so I can spend as much time as I can visiting with my friends. Mike has taken his suit out of its dust cover and will be as handsome as a movie star! What a pair we will be. Both bald and dressed to the hilt.

Mike got my lights up this week and the house looks great. I am so excited! I love seeing the glow of the lights turning my home into a gingerbread house perfect for the holidays. I have almost completed my Christmas shopping and spent a few hours yesterday wrapping presents. We are putting up the tree on Thursday. My parents are leaving for a 7-day Mexican cruise on Friday so we want to get it up before they leave. Putting up the tree is a big deal for me. I have ornaments that go back to my childhood. I don't have the trendy matching "pretty" tree; I have an eclectic tree with decorations made by my children over the years and special treats from friends and family. Each one has a story and as we hang them up those memories come rushing back, bringing a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart that is unmatched.

Peyton and I are going to hit the mall today and finish up some last few items. I'm sending my packages out today and picking up my cards from Costco. Those should go out in a few days. Not working gives alot more time to prepare for the holidays! I am never this far ahead. Truth be told...I'd still rather be working, but take advantage of the time I have. I am going to enjoy every moment of this holiday season, who knows when it might be my last, I want to make it as perfect as possible.

Happy holidays. Slow down and enjoy every moment, this is a special time of year, a time for forgiveness and redemption, a time for family and friends, and time to laugh and smile, a time to be joyous and enjoy all the little things in life. Our savior is born, born to redeem us all!

Round 5

2010-11-30T09:00:00.000-08:00

Another dose in, I think its dose one of round five. I am currently scheduled for six doses. So three to go and then we'll run tests and see where that darn tumor is at, if its shrinking or, heaven forbid, growing. I feel okay and won't really go downhill until after my shot this afternoon. The neupogen shots really take their toll on my body, but my immune system is seriously compromised and I have to take the shots to build the system back up or I could end up very very sick. Especially with the cold weather which further compromises my immune systems ability to fight off colds and infections. I also use an essential oil everyday called "on-guard" which is also supposed to boost your immune system. All together, it has been working and despite it all I have stayed relatively healthy.

I am excited when I look at the chemo calendar and realized that the Kadlec Christmas Party is the Saturday before my next treatment so I should be feeling pretty good. I was so happy because I really want to be present and enjoy everyones company and hopefully have the energy to stay and boogie for awhile on the dance floor! I am going out dress shopping, I can't think of a better reason to buy a new dress. I am going to have my makeup professionally done and no wig. Yup, I'm coming bald as a bowling ball. Wigs are hot and itchy, and this is my family, they won't mind my bald little head. I am so excited to be going! I can't wait!!

I have been invited to a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer retreat in Park City, Utah, called Image Reborn. All I have to do is get to SLC and everything else is paid for. Plus they will reimburse $100 towards my airfare. It is a small group, limited to about 10 patients and starts at 5pm on Friday and ends at 11:30am on Sunday. So short but sweet and I am excited to spend a weekend with other women battling this same disease. I am sure it will put alot of things into perspective and improve my attitude. It is good to be with other people going through the same trial. They have nurses, massage therapists, nutritionists, counselors all on staff volunteering their time for our benefit. I tried to go this summer but the retreat was full, so I was excited to get into this one. Its the second weekend of January. I am not sure if I will be continuing treatment or if I am going to take a break, so I don't know how I'll feel, but I'm going no matter what. Unless weather keeps me away...

Go away snow! Has the gulf stream forgotten that we live in the desert? Where are the tumbleweeds and skeet grass? Buried under the ice and snow I suppose. I am glad we didn't get the sleet last night and Peyton was able to go to school today. There are flurries out there and they are saying we might get sleet this afternoon, but I hope not. I'll take snow over sleet anyday.

Well, thats an update on me. I am working on buying Christmas presents and participated in Black Friday for a few hours and was one of those Cyber Monday buyers. I am getting close to done and will be doing Christmas cards here before too long. I have alot of time on my hands, so I have no excuse to not do cards this year.

Stay warm and safe through this wintry mix out there. I want you to be in my life for a very very long time!

Snow!

2010-11-27T09:44:00.000-08:00

Snow, snow and more snow! Where am I living? What happened to the moderate climate of our beautiful Tri-cities? I awoke this morning to the soft flurry of snowflakes drifting through the air and adding to the already piled up drifts in my yard. I have to admit that it is quite beautiful and being a child of Colorado and before that Michigan, I enjoy the palate created by the snow blanket even though I don't enjoy the cold anymore. I remember as a child burying myself in the snow, making tunnels and igloos, spending all day playing in the cold and ending the play in the tiny warm kitchen in Michigan with hot chocolate and cookies. Once I got older, spending the day of the slopes of Colorado skiing the day away, snow or shine, it didn't matter. What mattered was the mountain, the moguls, the speed of skis underneath my feet. Memories that make me smile. So although I am tired of the slippery streets and the bitter cold, the memories that it generates warms through the cold and makes my heart shine.

I had a wonderful thanksgiving and was able to eat pretty well, enjoying the turkey and all its delicious sides, but reveling most in the company of my family around the table passing the trays, laughing and eating, talking and sharing. It is a time to etch permanently in my heart to keep me going when all seems lost.

So I plug along. One day at a time, feeling better this weekend preparing to endure another treatment on Monday. Its so frustrating to finally start to feel better knowing it will all come to an end in a few days. So I enjoy the day, the moments of feeling good and pray that the treatment will work and I will start to feel good more than just a few days at a time, that I start to feel good for the long term and begin to retain my life, one day at a time.

Happy Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

It is a day to sit back, relax, watch the parade and give thanks. I have so much to be thankful for, despite the challenges I have faced in the last 18 months. My family comes to mind first and foremost. How blessed I am to have such incredible parents, wonderful children, an amazing grandson and loving and dedicated partner. They all make my life worth living and make my fight worth fighting. It is because of them that I keep on living each day with all the gusto I can muster. I wish I could do more, but every moment that I spend with them is a second which enhances my existence.

Then there are my beautiful friends. They are amazing. The support I have received from near and far is nothing short of remarkable. I looked at my yard, now completely covered with a foot of snow, and marvel in the work that was put in by friends and volunteers who didn't even know me. The meals, the housecleaning, the cards, texts, emails, letters...every one has kept me going through this battle, kept me persevering beyond what I would believe capable. Were it not for my support system, I would have given up long before now, I would never have found the strength to keep on going. I give thanks for my friends, for each prayer that has been sent up on my behalf, for each loving word that has been sent my way.

I am loved by my four legged friends who never leave me alone, are always by my side, adoring me. They are there when I laugh and when I cry, when I am sick and in pain. Their eyes implore me, willing me to be well again. They lay by my side, at my feet, cuddled up next to me giving me their warmth and their energy, their devotion is complete.

I am thankful for my home, my yard, the sun and, yes, even the snow. The pure white snow blankets my yard creating a winter wonderland. I can't wait to get my lights up for the holiday season. Although, I don't think its going to be this weekend like it usually is. Normally the Friday after Thanksgiving is decorating day, but looking at the weather forecast...I don't think sleet and snow are going to be conducive to hanging lights. I'll be grateful for whenever I do get them up and its just another thing that I appreciate Mike for. He has been there every year helping me hang those thousands of twinkling lights turning my average house into a sparkling gingerbread house, lighting up my home and my neighborhood.

I am thankful for so much, thankful for my life, however long it lasts, thankful for each moment that God allows me to be here on this earth with all those I love so much. Its a privilege to be alive. Enjoy your day, give thanks for all the blessings in your own life.

Winter has settled in

2010-11-17T10:37:00.000-08:00

I am enjoying my fireplace with the onset of this winter wonderland! What happened to fall? We shot right into winter! The leaves are almost off the trees and the wind piled them up nicely in the corner of my yard so they won't be hard to gather and dispose of, once the snow melts and they dry off, of course. My parents have been great cleaning up the yard for me, I can't ever thank them enough for all they do for me. I am a lucky woman to have such great parents who take care of me in my old age!

I have been feeling pretty rotten the last few days and spent the better part of the day under my electic blanket fighting severe nausea. Its finally starting to subside. I have to state I am sure sick of sitting and laying down all the time. My neck is sore and I know it is a result of such a sedentary lifestyle and not getting enough exercise. But I have no energy to exercise. I am lucky take the dogs for a short walk and still be able to stay awake all afternoon.

The weather has made for good stay at home in front of the fireplace time. We sure did get hit with a heck of a storm for our area. If this is any indication of the severity of the winter, its gonna be a long one. Settle in, batten down the hatches and enjoy the first taste of winter.

Plugging Along

2010-11-16T17:07:00.000-08:00

Another round is in. I think its round 4 of this current regimen. They are concerned about my continued weight loss so they are going to try to put me on another new medication to help ease nausea and stimulate my appetite. I don't want to gain any weight, that is for sure, but I am probably not getting enough nutrition to adequately fight this disease and I want to fight this hard. So, I'll take the new meds. I don't get it until Thursday, apparently it has to be ordered. I am on so much medication its hard to keep track anymore. I just watch my schedule.

I ran out of one of my heavy nausea medications this weekend and I didn't have any refills and I'll make sure that doesn't happen again. I was so sick for two days, throwing up, diarrhea, chills. Like I had the stomach flu. It was awful. I knew I was running out, but I figured I was at the end of the cycle, and I take so many anti-nausea meds, how bad could it be to skip the Zofran for the weekend. Bad bad bad. I won't wait again, I'll call even if I have an appointment the next day.

I think I told you I was approved for Social Security Disability and I got some good news today. I may be eligible for an extension on my Cobra benefits which may bridge the gap between my Cobra and my Medicare. I need to talk to Sandy and discuss further, but it really gives me hope that I might be able to keep my insurance. The premium is going to probably triple, but no matter the cost, I'll pay it to keep insurance. This is a necessity for me.

I was also excited to get a call today inviting me to the Kadlec Christmas Banquet. I really wanted to go, but since I'm not an employee I figure I wasn't invited. But I have been invited to be a guest at the HR table and I can't wait to call Kristen tomorrow and say YES, I would love to go! I couldn't go last year because I was in the hospital with low platelets, so I really was looking forward to this year.

I'm feeling okay. The first few days are probably the best since I still have all the IV meds still in me. They will wear off tomorrow, so the struggle begins. I still get shots every day this week and a double dose on Friday, so its going to be rough going. But I endeavor to do something everyday, and my laundry is piling up, so tomorrow may be laundry day. I also have some paperwork that needs to be done, so I have a few tasks ahead of me to keep me busy. Its so hard to not just lay around and do nothing. I have to fight that desire. My body is tired and overstressed so I have to make myself keep going.

So keep going. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. I can persevere on to the end of the battle with the best of them. Cancer has met its match.

My Lovable Dogs

2010-11-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

Well I am a few days away from another treatment. I'm starting to feel better, still sick to my stomach and plagued by headaches, but not as bad as last week. I have been able to walk my dogs most days this week. Its been cold but refreshing. It is so fun to watch them run and play. We try to take them to places where they can be off their leash and just run and just be dogs. Sophie can run like no dog I have ever seen. She is so strong and fast; has so much energy. The running is good for her, wears her down a bit so she is not quite so edgy at home. If she doesn't get her run everyday she paces and talks, obviously wanting some attention and a walk! I have never had a dog that talks so much. She looks you straight in the eye and talks and woofs clearly relaying her desire! I understand this is a feature unique to boxers, they are talkers. Peyton and I both try to keep her quiet in the morning when the other one is sleeping, she can wake the entire house! A distinctive and endearing animal. I am so glad I took a chance and adopted her, I felt that God wanted her in our house, and I believe I was right. She is a good companion and challenges Kyra to not age so quickly, getting her to play and run when I am sure she would rather just lay on the couch or walk slowly instead of chase squirrels and rabbits.

Kyra is aging, I can see it in the gray hair around her muzzle and in the slowness of her gait. She has low thyroid and arthritis and is on all sorts of medication, but they seem to be helping. I adore Kyra, she has been with me through thick and thin, my constant and loving companion. Our vet, Dr. Menks, takes great care of her and really has improved the way she feels in the time she has been taking care of her. If you are looking for a reasonably priced vet, who doesn't guilt you into running unnecessary tests, understanding that this is a pet, not a person, we love them, but can't spend thousands of dollars caring for them. She also will come to you, she is a mobile vet service, which is nice when you have multiple animals that you need to have seen. All seen for one house call fee. And if I go to her, there is no office fee. She obviously cares deeply for animals, donating her time and energy to POPP spaying and neutering animals for free, which also makes me happy to support her business. So if you need a great vet, Dr. Tania Menks, she is your doctor.

Mike and I are going to try to go to a movie today. I don't do well going to evening activities, I am just too tired by early evening and Mike is usually busy with games until late each evening, and he is done early today so we are going to a matinee so I can still make my early bedtime. There are alot of good movies out there so the choices are great. I'll peruse the listings and see what looks good.

Enjoy the weekend, stay warm. Take in the beautiful fall colors and breath in the crisp cool fall air. The season is full of joy, take it all in.

Insurance...ACK!

2010-11-12T09:18:00.000-08:00

Nothing much new is happening but I can't remember if I told you I was approved for social security disability and Medicare. This is the crazy part...Once approved, which was a random date in May, I have to wait five months before I get a check (which will reduced the amount I get from my disability insurance carrier, Sun Life, it doesn't increase my monthly income amount) so thank God that I had disability insurance. How is a person without it going to live for five months after approval, not to mention the months it takes to get approved? The craziest part is that I am approved for Medicare, but not for TWO YEARS. What am I supposed to do for two years when cobra is only 18 months? Why do I have to wait two years anyway? Our government program makes absolutely no sense. No wonder people lose everything when they get sick. If I didn't have disability insurance and cobra, I would have lost everything by now. I have been very lucky. But I have alot of unknowns coming up so I am starting to check now to see what is available to me as far as private or state insurance. I cannot go without insurance and I cannot have my cancer excluded from any plan I purchase. So I have my work cut out for me over the next few months finding insurance to bridge the gap between Cobra and Medicare. How about get well, go back to work and get back on regular insurance? Sound good? To me that would be ideal, but the schedule isn't really working out that way. The soonest I'd be back is next summer... pray for clear... soon.

My face is healing well. Its still tender when I touch it, but the discoloration is going away quickly. I am much more careful when I walk Sophie and am more aware of her ability to take her off my feet. She is one very very strong dog!

I am feeling better. Battling the same side effects, they are just not as bad at the end of week two. They don't ever go away completely, but they do minimize so the days are better. I still get tired very easy and go to bed early, but I'm not sleeping as late, which is good. I hate sleeping my day away. I still take a nap most afternoons for a few hours which breaks up my day and give me the energy to make it through the evening.

Nothing exciting planned for the weekend. Maybe kick back and enjoy a good book. Enjoy your weekend too!

Walking the Dog

2010-11-10T10:13:00.000-08:00

Its sure feeling like winter is just around the corner. The cold, wind and rain. I'm waiting for the first snowstorm! Peyton is nervous driving back and forth to CBC over the Blue Bridge early in the morning when we have ice and snow. She has very little experience driving in bad weather so it will be a learning experience and I will pray she stays safe!

Mom and I walked the dogs yesterday and Sophie put me on my face. Literally. I was walking her and she saw something and took off and the next thing I know the leash is ripped out of my hand and my face is hitting the ground. Thank goodness I didn't break my glasses, although I have no idea how they didn't break. I racked my knee and my cheek/eye socket. I was sure that it was going to be terribly bruised and swollen, but when I got home I got ice on it right away so I ended up with a little soreness and slight discoloration. My knee has a bruise on the kneecap, definately bearable. It came out way better than I anticipated and I learned a valuable lesson. When I walk Sophie she is on a short leash and a choke chain. She did real good today. One tug, and she was done. She learns quickly. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, its just in her nature to chase squirrels and such and it is my responsibility to teach her not to pull. So that's what we are doing. We'll be back on a regular leash in no time at all.

I've been slowly recovering this week and was able to eat dinner every night. I take alot of anti-nausea and anti-acids, but they are working and I am enjoying eating. Hopefully I won't have lost any more weight when I go in Monday to see the doctor. They really don't want me to lose anymore weight.

Tomorrow is veterans day. We are going to honor my dad and take him out to breakfast as a former navy veteran from the Korean War. Nice way to start the day honoring a priceless veteran, who luckily is my dad.

Take the time to honor the vets in your life today. They keep us safe everyday and have enabled us to keep America free. God Bless our armed forces.

Finding a Life

2010-11-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

I know its been quite a few days since I've written and I've not died or fallen off the face of the earth. I have not felt well all weekend and I spent most of the time horizontal on the couch, taking my meds, wishing the sickness would pass. It finally did today, at least mostly. I am still sick to my stomach, but not as bad, its manageable. I was lucky enough to have dinner with my good friend Julie tonight, and although I didn't eat much and gobbled tums as soon as I got home, the food tasted great and the company was even better. I miss being with my friends, I miss feeling well enough to be with my friends even more. The first week after chemo I'm just not up to going anywhere or visiting with anyone, so I've become very solitary, which is against my personality. I am an extrovert and I share energy with the people I'm around so its a real change to my life. I need people, I need their life force around me, energizing me. I just think that underneath it all I am weary of this battle and somewhat depressed. I need to snap out of it, that's all. Its just so hard to watch your life slip away from you piece by piece. It was a great life too. Not that I don't have so much to live for now, I do, and I am not minimizing my current life, its just not what I envisioned for me at this time. My plan was to be working, making a living, supporting my family, hanging out with my friends, being with my lover, spending time with my family...living my life. Now I am busy fighting for my life and trying to build a new life out of the ravages of the old. I am not trying to be melodramatic here, but that is how I feel. I feel lost, like I've misplaced my compass and I don't know which direction I should go.

So I try to make a plan for my future, with an outlook that is so uncertain, so unknown, and I can't do it, I can't make plans when I don't know where I'll be in six months. So all I can do is take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I plan my days around my chemotherapy; on when it might be a good day and hope it turns out to BE a good day. For now that's the best I can do. Long term; well we will just have to wait and see.

When Cancer Strikes

2010-11-04T09:24:00.000-07:00

Cancer strikes when you least expect it. Blindsided, you are swept off your very feet and left in a puddle on the floor wondering what hit you, where did it come from and how do you get up again with this villain attacking you. You lay there, quivering and sobbing trying to gain your bearings back, which way is up and if I get up how do I move forward? Slowly, somehow, you pull your feet under you and shakily rise and think, okay, I have made it vertical, how do I take a step? How do I move forward with this terrible foe against me, how do I fight, how do I live? Dazed and confused you muddle through the mist, stumble through the fog trying to find the path that will take you forward.

Then you see the light shining up ahead, and though you don't know what it is, it is bright and you move jerkily towards it on unsteady feet reaching out, trying to grab something, anything, to steady your gait. And then you feel it, strong hands, capable arms reaching out and seizing your ravaged body, steadying you and giving you hope. Helping you move onward towards an uncertain and unsure future. Suddenly you realize it is the hand of God on you, guiding you ahead, giving you the crutch you need to keep moving. Then He brings in your friends, your family and surrounds you with them to give you the foundation you need to keep going here on this earth while you fight this battle. And you wearily put one foot in front of the other, not sure of where it will lead but certain that there is a future worth fighting for just around the next bend. For in that moment your children share their day, your grandchild takes your hand, your parents stop by to visit, your lover kisses your cheek and you know that although it isn't the life you had envisioned, it is a life worth living and a life worth fighting for. So you rely on your steady support to help keep you going and give thanks to God for providing so much light in the midst of the darkness.

Another Round In

2010-11-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

I can't remember which round it is anymore. But another round is in and I am suffering the side effects of its dose. I am taking my shots of neupogen everyday thanks to Nurse Mike who has become an expert at giving me my daily shots. I could probably do them myself, I have had so many, but its an excuse to see his smiling face everyday. That is always a plus with his very busy schedule. At least I only have to take them for the first four days after chemo, the last dose being the largest so the effects are usually gone by Sunday, so the first week is definitely the toughest. The docs are worried about my weight loss, I'm not, but I'm trying to be a good patient and eat more and I am going to look at supplementing with protein shakes for all the meals that I skip. I eat maybe once or twice a day, a very small amount. I can only take a few bites and I'm full. So I do the best I can and I try to make my meals count and eat healthy.

Fall is settling in and the leaves are quickly accumulating in my yard. I don't have that many trees, but my neighbors do and they all seem to end up in my yard. The way my house is situated the wind brings all the neighbors leaves into my driveway where they swirl and collect in front of my garage door where they stain my brand new driveway because they get wet and never dry out. So I have this black spot marring my beautiful new driveway and we have checked the internet to see how to rid ourselves of it and apparently a bleach mixture will take it off, which we'll tackle after all the leaves are gone. My parent are awesome trying to keep the leaves off the driveway daily, it seems to be an effort in futility but God bless them for trying!

We have gotten most of the yard work done in prep for the upcoming winter. Only a few tasks left. I want to put a cover on the pond, so if anyone is handy at making a nice round cover (its a very small pond) to keep it cleaned out until the spring. Its probably three feet round, so it should be easy to cover. So any handy man out there...I'm at your mercy. Its mostly emptied out, I am sure our rain has put quite a bit of water in there again that will need to be bailed out.

I am feeling okay. As good as can be expected. I just need to remember the side effects of Ixempra and this is a cakewalk. Its just getting tiring, this walk, I want to feel better again. I know I say that alot, but it is always pressing in my mind, when do I get well? When is this over? I see the path stretching before me and it is a very long path with no end in sight. It winds and twists and turns and I know somewhere far up head it will end and a new journey will start, one based on health instead of sickness and the battle of cancer.

Thank you to all who email, text and send me cards to stay in contact and keep my spirits up. You are my lifeline to the real world out there, the one I long to be a part of again, sooner rather than later! Watch out world, I will be back. I won't fade into the distance or go down easily, this is a fight I'm going to win.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween. Brrrr. Its sure a cold day out there. Mike and his son are running the Tri-Cities Marathon today and I hope they are able to stay warm enough and beat the wind. Mike runs without a shirt (go figure) so he is very exposed to the elements. He never runs a race with a shirt (unless required), never has, never will. He has been running shirtless for more than 30 years and let me tell you, this guy doesn't take change well. He is set in his ways. So if you see a shirtless guy out there, honk you horn and whistle. Give him a thrill!

I am making Sunday dinner for my family this afternoon which I love to do. I enjoy so much having my family around my table, enjoying a meal together. Then I hope to be able to take Jessie around the neighborhood for a few trick or treats. He is Buzz Lightyear this year and is going to look SO cute. I can't wait. I am not dressing up, my dad used to dress up every year as the headless horseman (complete with a shrunken head) and would scare the trick or treaters so bad that they would run off without candy. Sure saved on the candy bill. I am sure when Jessie gets older he will revisit the costume for a good scare tactic.

Its cold and windy, I think I will stay in and enjoy my warm house with my family. My most favorite people around me. Maybe we'll all sit down and watch Psycho!

An Chapter Closes

2010-10-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

I remember all the times that I thought I would work at Kadlec until I retired or died, whichever came first. I can’t believe my journey with this amazing organization is over. It just can’t be true.

I met with Rand yesterday and I know this was hard on him too. I know he shared with me the hope and the desire that I would come back to Kadlec, come back to my job. But the fates have conspired against me and this is just not to be. I am at least 6-9 months from being able to work, so all I can do is hope when I can come back there is still a place for me at Kadlec. I know the job that I birthed will change and go on, but I feel like a toddler has been left behind to be raised by Wendy. I know she is up to the task, but my plan was to bring this job into maturity and I know that dream is gone. There is a new dream. There is a new and better job out there for me. Once I can really sink my teeth into and make into my own. So this is not an end, but the beginning of a new era in my life.

I was approved for Social Security Disability Income but it’s such a wreck. It’s a minor amount and thank goodness I have disability through work or I don’t know how I would make it. The other major problem is that once approved (I was approved effective May 10th) it is 5 months before I get the disability and 24 months before I am eligible for Medicare and my cobra runs out 18 months from the time I went on cobra, which was March. So there is almost a year where I will need to find insurance, which really scares me. I cannot be without insurance and it’s going to take at least half my monthly income to keep my cobra the last few months and then who knows how much it will cost for private coverage, if I can even get it. It is my one huge worry right now. I am living as frugally as I can to put away as much money as possible so I have a nest egg to pay the insurance. I don’t know how people without disability insurance and good cobra get through something like this. No wonder people lose everything; it takes everything to keep going. I just need to get well and get back to work and these problems become solved. So pray I go back to work and just get my insurance back!

Halloween is this weekend and I love to see those little neighborhood kids at my door. It’s so much fun! I usually turn my light out about 8:30 because by then I am getting the teenagers, and truly, they just aren’t cute. I think once you are in high school you should not be trick or treating. I already have my candy, my decorations are up and Mason and Peyton carved pumpkins, so I am set!

Happy Halloween weekend. Enjoy the little ghosts and ghouls!

Philanthropy

2010-10-26T08:49:00.000-07:00

It’s been a few days, I had a pretty rough weekend physically. I felt awful from the chemo and the shots of neupogen and I had a hard time bouncing back. I rested a lot because I wanted to be able to attend the Women Helping Women Luncheon yesterday with my Kadlec friends. I was able to go, although it left me exhausted and I came home and slept most of the afternoon. But it was so nice to see a little group of my Kadlec family and hear the wonderful speaker who spoke on philanthropy and how it changes our communities. Little groups like WHW who come together to help their communities. How a small amount added to another small amount can make such a difference in the lives of the people in our community. So I added my small check to others at the luncheon and together we funded worthy organizations that help women and children. What a great feeling. Not only to see my friends but to be a part of something bigger than myself. So when that little elementary school student comes to your door asking for a donation, you may only give them $5 or $10, but that amount added to all the other neighbors’ donations will make their event successful. Give what you can, when you can and make a difference. I know my little fundraiser was a success because of all the generous friends I have who opened their hearts and their pocketbooks.

I feel like I’m coming down with a cold today. I woke up all congested and coughing. By 6am I woke up having a hard time breathing and blew my nose over and over and over again and coughed and coughed. Now that I’m up and around I am feeling a little better but I think I will stay out of the weather. I like walking the dogs with my parents but I think it’s better to say out of the cold right now. This chemo is hard on my immune system, and I want to stay healthy so I can stay on track for my next dose.

I only have a few days to get my computer cleaned up and ready to turn back in. I meet with Rand on Thursday and turn in my Kadlec equipment and become an official long term disability former employee. I pray there is something there for me in a year or so when my health comes back. It will be nice to see Rand and the girls in administration but it is sad that I will no longer be part of the administration team. I have vowed not to cry (at least not while I’m there, when I get in the car to go home all bets are off!). So I will rest today and stay out of the cold and the wind and work on my computer so I’m all ready for Thursday. It will be a sad day, but one I knew was coming. I will survive this like I have all the other challenges I have faced in the last year.

Scary Movie!

2010-10-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

My fireplace is blaring, as usual. I’m going to get a little umbrella drink to give to Peyton when she gets up and starts complaining and tell her we have been transported to the Bahamas. She went to see Paranormal Activity 2 last night at the midnight showing and came in and woke me up at 2am because she was so scared she couldn’t go downstairs and get her pajamas! Is that too funny or what! I told her she could sleep with me but she took Sophie and slept in her own bed. I haven’t heard from her yet this morning, so she’ll probably sleep until noon. It will be interesting to hear about this show. I remember seeing the Exorcist as a kid and it scared me so bad I couldn’t sleep for weeks. I am not big on horror shows, they leave me jumpy for too long!

The neupogen is making me terribly achy and I am glad that today is my last dose. It’s a double dose so I’ll be really sore tonight. But by tomorrow afternoon I should be feeling better and on the upward swing. I am meeting with Rand next week so I need to spend some time cleaning up my computer and getting all my contacts moved over to my personal email. Like when I moved out of my office, it is amazing how much stuff one accumulates over many years of working. I am sure I’m going to miss stuff, but I’ll get all I can.

I plan on walking the dogs today. I’ve been able to walk most days this week and it’s good for them and it’s good for me. The weather is cooling but we are going about 10:30 or 11:00 so hopefully it will still be calm and cool with no rain or wind. When Sophie doesn’t get her walk, she can really drive you nuts by the evening, all that energy that she can’t get rid of. She needs her walk everyday. We try to go to places where she can just run and run and that dog is so FAST. It’s amazing. So she is good for me, it makes me take a walk most days which is good for my healing. Exercise, eating right, resting, those are the best things for me.

So I’m hanging in there. One day at a time. As of the end of the week next week I won’t have Kadlec email anymore so make sure to put my gmail in your contact list. I received a note from a website called “being cancer” that has posted a link to my blog on their site so I have expanded my readership, which is cool. I think its time to work on a book. Maybe that should be my focus over the next few months, a book. Think it would sell? Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn’t, but it would probably be wonderfully cathartic and give me a focus of something meaningful to work on during my days. I’ll think about it, you never know, it might be my next career!

Love you all. Go out and share that love with all those you encounter.

Just an Update

2010-10-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

I am sleeping pretty well other than getting up a lot to go to the bathroom. The Avastin is really hard on my kidneys so the first few days I’m pretty busy, if you know what I mean. I still can’t get Kadlec off my mind, but I am starting to settle in with what will be will be. I have had quite a few of you contact me via my gmail and it really warms my heart that my Kadlec family is still thinking of me.

The fall is settling in boldly and I am so glad I had my fireplace serviced and my propane tank filled. I am cold a lot, so I have my fireplace blasting, much to the chagrin of my daughter. She comes home from school and is just exasperated because it’s so HOT in the house. So what is wrong with 80? I just tell her I’m trying to relive our Bahamas experience and she quickly turns the fireplace off. As soon as she leaves…well its back on!

I saw Dr. Geiver this week too and he said basically the same thing as Dr. Rado and I won’t see him again unless I have a need for radiation, which I hope to God I don’t. He agrees that the remaining tumor in my brain is troublesome and it would be very good for my prognosis if the tumor would shrink down. It could be dead, but with it not getting smaller, it’s hard to tell. So I will continue to take my chemo and hope that the Avastin does cross that blood-brain barrier and blast the crap out of that tumor. One left, let’s get rid of it.

Mike was nice enough to come over and help me get my Halloween decorations up. So my eyeballs fearlessly line the house, scaring the neighborhood kids. I love to watch the little ones dare each other to come up and touch the bloodshot eyes. My pumpkins are lit, my candy is bought and I’m looking forward to seeing my little trick or treaters at the end of the month. I love decorating the house and Halloween is a piece of cake compared to what I do for Christmas. Wait until you see my house at Christmas, the Griswolds have nothing on me! God bless Mike, he has helped me with these decorations every year he has known me and it sure makes the job easier. I bought a bunch of new lights online a few years ago and they are so cool. We are in the decorating season, yea!

I am feeling okay. My counts weren’t great on Monday and my immune system is compromised so I have to have shots of neupogen everyday which make me feel like I’m coming down with the flu. So I ache and shiver and sleep a lot. I have to take the shots every day this week with a double dose on Friday, so it’s going to be a tough week. This derailed my trip to the coast, not only do I need the shots but with my immune system so weak traveling wouldn’t be the best idea for my health. So I’m staying home this week, hovering by the fireplace. Hopefully I’ll feel better next week, but this will probably be the routine for the next few months. I can do it. Better living through chemistry. I’ll just keep taking my meds.

I have lost a lot of weight, which I am happy about, but the doctors really don’t want me to lose anymore, so I’m trying to eat a little more than I was although my appetite isn’t there and food just doesn’t sound good to me these days. I like that I have lost the weight, but it’s a heck of a way to do it! I’ll eat, mom, I promise.

All for now. Will be in touch soon.

Both Sad and Wonderful News

2010-10-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

It was a sad and wonderful day. I am overwhelmed with emotions. Let’s start with the good news.

My lungs are considered clear so there is no cancer remaining in my body, except for small unseen particles which may be there just waiting to take hold again. But there are no discernable tumors. Dr. Rado said it’s nothing short of amazing that I have gone from lungs covered with cancer to no tumors at all. Maybe I will make the 5% that survival rate after all. He is still concerned about the tumor in my brain. It is shrinking but not fast enough and if he sees any growth at all, he will send me to Seattle for Gammaknife to get rid of it. He cannot tell if it is a dead or alive tumor so to be safe he wants to go ahead and do chemo through the end of the year and check again in January with a full CT and MRI to see the status. I would hope that I would improve so much I’ll be able to stop chemo and wait 3-4 months before testing again and see if it comes back without the chemo. We can only hope and pray.

I heard from my boss while I was receiving my chemo and is where my heart-wrenching sad news comes. We had a nice visit, he has had some health challenges also and I was so glad to hear he is doing well. However, with my status change at Kadlec to full disability the time has come to sever the relationship further and turn in my blackberry, laptop, badge and disconnect my kadlecmed email. It breaks my heart. Those things have been my lifeline to my previous life, checking email a few times a week, hearing what is going on, that we had a successful DOH survey, or we are having a jewelry sale, a flag raising, a fundraiser, or the other employee’s planetree experiences. I hear from my fellow employees regularly who think of me and shoot me an email to check in on my status. I have personal email, but I know it’s easier for people to just send it to that work address that they already have. So that lifeline is going away. The length of this disability is becoming more and more real as my former life slips away and I settle into the world of cancer. I knew this was going to happen, it was inevitable, the job could only wait so long, and the reality is I was never going to be able to handle the job again anyway. But this makes it so real. This disease has taken away my job that I love so much, the people that I work with, the things that I do best. Cancer is a taker, it takes and takes and takes until it takes your life or you kill the beast. There is no in-between. My heart breaks, the tears flow freely and I mourn the passing of an era in my life. I will pray with all my heart and soul that once I beat this disease there will still be a place for me somewhere at Kadlec, my home away from home, with my family, my friends. So if you are reading this and you want to stay connected with me, my email is pattysuetaylor@gmail.com. Feel free to share, I love to hear from my friends. I am also on facebook, but not very religiously, maybe once a week or so.

So I am sad and I will mourn, and in time; it will pass. But the reality of the job I did will continue in my heart. The 58 board members that I took on as my own and loved each and every one of them remains connected to my soul. The faces of my managers and co-workers are permanently etched into the window panes of my memories. The events, the hours, the camaraderie, the love we all shared, that will remain with me always. I will never forget those who I loved at a place I called home. You are my heroes, my friends, safely ensconced in the confines of my heart where you memory will remain safe.

Just another challenge that I knew was coming, but was hoping it was somewhere out there in the future. Far away. That I could hold on status quo for a while longer and pretend there is a connection continuing, when I know it has to be broken. I will keep my chin up and my attitude good, moving forward with faith that what will be will be and that someday, I’ll go home. No matter where home may be.

More on Love

2010-10-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

Fall is definitely in the air. As I sit here in my antique rocking chair in front of the warm blowing fireplace I reflect on the last year, the last time I sat here in front of the fireplace as winter began its inevitable decent on us. The air is crisp and fresh as the sun shines brightly down unable to warm the cold autumn breeze. How could we know I would still be in the battle for my life a year later, still doing chemo, still confronting the horrible side effects, still wondering how long I will live, how long it will be before the disease takes over completely, or if I will find a way to beat this evil foe. My soul cries out...beat it I will, I steel myself, my mantra to live strong within me. I will not give up, I will not grow complacent, I will fight until I can fight no more. I will live as long as my destiny allows, as long as I am given the grace to be here on this earth, in this family, with those I love. And after I go, I will love them from afar and I will send my devotion from the heavens as I watch over them. My deep undying love will remain here with them, I will leave behind my legacy in the form of everlasting love and hope for a beautiful future.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again, no matter the question, love is the answer. The love we share as human beings is enduring and real. It surpasses all trials, all errors, all foibles and shortcomings. It allows us to overcome what we believe to be insurmountable. We can climb mountains that reach to the sky and make it through the darkest valleys, the bleakest of times. Love allows us to conquer it all.

Love those in your life with all your heart. Forgive them their shortcomings, their mistakes. Support them in their victories and in their traumas. Be a rock, a foundation of enduring love that will help them triumph, no matter how trying, how difficult. Let your love permeate your life and all those around you. It is the only thing that carries on forever.

Staying In The Fight

2010-10-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

I’ve been stewing about my results and what they mean and as time goes on I feel more positive about the results. As much as I want clear, I’ll take better. At least it’s not getting worse. I am concerned what happens once the chemo stops, if it has a hold at all without the drugs to keep it away, I know it will come back again with a vengeance. This is a highly aggressive and prolific cancer and if given a chance, it would gladly take my life. And I refuse to let it do that. It CANNOT have my life, my life is too good and I refuse to give into this sly and evil foe. I have fought it for this long; I’m not giving up now.

Nearing the end of this round; I’m feeling pretty good. I have chemo again on Monday and I also meet with Rado which will give me a better handle on my path forward. I have been offered a room at the Embarcadero at Newport Beach starting this Saturday through next Saturday, I can’t go before chemo, but I could go down on Tuesday, so Mike is trying to clear his schedule so we could go to the coast next week. Wouldn’t that be an awesome way to recover from the next round of chemo, relaxing on the beach at Newport. I worry I’ll not have enough energy and Mike will get bored, but he is always so wonderful and patient with me that I am sure he will tolerate whatever I can do. We can sit on the patio and watch the bay and read, relax and just enjoy each others company. We don’t get a lot of time together so it would be very special. Between me being sick and his busy schedule we might grab a few minutes each day to catch up, so to have five whole days together would be awesome. He is working on rescheduling his week, I hope to know today.

I am feeling more optimistic, possibly because I am feeling better added with a positive outcome to my scans. So the darkness has been chased farther away, its still there waiting to get its claws in me the first chance it gets, so it is important that I keep my chin up and a smile on my face…and ice cream in my freezer.

Good News

2010-10-14T12:32:00.001-07:00

I am happy to share some good news with you. Dr. Iuliano called me about 8:30 last night to let me know that he looked over my scans and they show no new metastasis and the existing tumors continue to respond to treatment. They existing tumors are not gone, but they are responding. I’ll know more on Monday when I meet with Dr. Rado but I believe this means I’m still in the fight, the chemo will continue and we’ll probably recheck again early in 2011. It’s a balancing act, following the cancer without giving me too much radiation. One CT is the equivalent of about 400 x-rays, so you don’t do them lightly. I wish that the MRI technology could be used on my chest and abdomen, but apparently CT is the scan of choice to look for cancer in those areas. So Dr. Rado may want to wait four months before we do this again. So, I estimate that I’ll be in chemo until at least the end of the year, which I figured, but it would be nice to know these were the chemos “for good measure” rather than the continued fight. So, it is good news, but not the news I wanted. I want it to be gone, gone, gone. Away forever.

So my regular life will have to wait and I need to work to make this life a life worth living. I am going to stand up, dust off my skirt and pull my head out of dirt to begin life anew. This is my life; I need to make it valuable and worthwhile. There are so many things that I can still do without working my job, I just have to overcome the side effects; quit letting them get me down. Shoo away the darkness and shine the light on all that is bright and good in my life. There is SO much that is great in my life and I have stuck my head under the covers and ignored the greatness and focused on the disease. The disease is there, its chronic and I’m probably going to be fighting this for the better part of my remaining life, so I need to incorporate it into my daily life. Breast cancer is part of my story, a big part, and I need to live it the best I can and shine brightness on everything around me.

So when you see me sticking my head in the dirt and start wallowing in the muck, pull me out and shake me. Remind me of all the good that I need to be thankful for, all the greatness that has blessed my life and will continue to sparkle during my days left here. None of us know our future, not you, not me, I may outlive all of you!

So thought the news is not what I wanted, its what I get and it had the effect it needed on me and my attitude. I resign myself to the facts of my life, and vow to live it the best I can, I hope I can be a shining star and brighten the world around me.

Sick.

2010-10-13T17:30:00.000-07:00

Rough day. I had my CT and MRI today and the contrast did not agree with me this time. Normally I don’t have any problems with the contrast I just cowgirl up and suck it on down with a straw. Today, not so. By the third dose my stomach was so upset that I wasn’t sure I’d get the third dose down, I did get it down, but (not to gross you out) it didn’t stay there. I was suddenly running up my stairs as fast as I could to throw it all up. I don’t know if there was any contrast left in my stomach. Thirty minutes later, I did choke down the final dose and kept it there for the test. I had my test and was feeling rather poorly by the time it was all done and came home and went straight to bed for the afternoon. I got up a few hours later and had some chicken broth, which stayed down okay. Still feeling rather puny I probably won’t do much for the rest of the day. So, unfortunately, the dogs didn’t get their walk today and they are pretty restless tonight, but I am sure they will survive and I’ll make sure they get their walk tomorrow.

The road seems to be getting rougher. I want to stay positive and chipper, but am having a hard time keeping my spirits up. I can feel the darkness of this disease creeping into the edges of my consciousness. I think it’s the constant barrage the disease wroughts against my body. My soul is at peace, whatever happens…happens. I would just like to see an end to the onslaught. The human body can only take so much and some days I feel I am nearing the end of my tolerance level. My spirit is sad and tired even as my soul stays strong. So it is my soul that I rely on to get me through the journey as my body becomes more weary.

I’ll keep you posted on the results of my scans. I am praying for a positive outcome and the chance to start regaining the vestiges of what is my life. I miss my energy and my outgoing demeanor that seem to be escaping me as of late. I easily sit and do nothing for hours at a time, praying for the nausea and pain to pass and for me to find the energy to live my life. I just remember what I said last time I fought this battle, if I put a smile on my face eventually it will reach all the way to my heart. So I smile, and push on. Waiting for the smile to spread, confident that it will.

Say a Prayer

2010-10-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

It was a quiet weekend. I just rested, read, watched TV with Peyton since she was sick. We finally took her to urgent care on Sunday because her throat was so raw. They said she has the “itises” and put her on a Z-pac. The whole thing took less than 20 minutes. It took longer than that to get her prescription filled on a Sunday night! I went to the Rite-Aid on 395 and they were at least an hour behind filling prescriptions so rather than drive back to my side of town I went to Big Lots and perused the shelves until they closed at 7pm and then went back to Rite Aid where the prescription still wasn’t done, so I bought a pencil and crossword puzzle book, settled in to wait…and they called my name. So I have a prescription AND a new puzzle book. Yea! I do a lot o f crossword puzzles.

Speaking of puzzles, I look back at when I started doing puzzles back in early June to try to improve my cognition and its amazing. I can whip through an easy puzzle in less than 10 minutes, harder ones taking a little longer. My brain is really coming back. If I could just get rid of the headaches…it would be great. My headaches continue to plague me and it takes me a few hours to get the headache under control and get moving in the morning.

I am having another CT and MRI tomorrow and am both excited and frightened to see the results. I am counting on them being clear and then we will do a few more treatments to make extra sure we got it all and then I will start taking my life back one step at a time. Its going to take awhile to get back to normal, as much as I want to jump right back in, I can’t make it through a day without a nap and the simple act of cleaning the kitchen will leave me exhausted and out of breath, so I think working back up to a full 8 hour workday will take awhile. But I am confident that I will get there, even if I have to crawl between steps.

I’ll let you know when I get the results. I will shoot Dr. Iuliano an email and ask him to take a look at the results as soon as he gets a chance, hopefully he is in town. The last MRI showed no change, better or worse, I would like to hear a better this time! If you get a chance, send a prayer in my direction. I know God is listening.

Breast Cancer Awareness

2010-10-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

It’s my last day of neupogen. Thank goodness; I hate this drug. Today’s dose is a double dose so I will be really miserable for the next 24 hours. I think Mike will be over about noon to give me my shot. Not looking forward to it. But, whatever I gotta do to beat this disease; that is what I do. I am confident there is an end in sight.

I have my CT and MRI next week and see Dr. Rado on Monday, October 18th where we will discuss the results and the path forward. I have told you before, but no matter what the outcome we are doing 2-3 more rounds of chemo just to make sure that we have all last vestiges of this miserable cancer. I would rather keep on going now then stop and have it come back with a vengeance again.

Its funny, I’m working on my social security disability application right now, it’s required by our disability carrier, plus my cobra goes to 150% of the cobra rate next summer. If I get approved for disability I also get approved for Medicare. I am not looking forward to being on Medicare, but I certainly can’t afford 150% of cobra rates either. My wish is that by the time this is all done I’ll be back at home at Kadlec again anyway. The average person takes 24 months to get approved for SSD. They statistics show that they are denied 4 times before they finally get approved. It’s that crazy or what? It has been quite a learning process; I’ll get 4 different things from the SSA in one day from different offices asking for basically the same thing. And they always seem to want more information, and they want it now, but they take forever to get back to you. Typical government runaround. I talked to the attorney today and they had my disability date all screwed up; I have NO idea where they got the date, its like they can’t think for themselves at all, can’t look at the paperwork that is right in front of them. Its gonna drive me nuts! But it definitely gives me something to do; I’m a regular at Kinko’s getting copies made.

Its breast cancer awareness month and I want each of you to think of your lifestyle choices, your health choices and do all you can do to avoid this disease. Do your self-exams monthly, get your mammogram every year, eat healthy, exercise. There is a definitive link between a high fat diet and cancer, so consider the food you eat. I would encourage eating vegan or vegetarian, but I know that is not realistic for most people, so at least cut back on your meats and increase your intake of fruits and veggies. Over 200,000 people will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year; I don’t want one of those to be you! I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, even if I had an enemy (which I don’t believe I have) I wouldn’t wish this on them. It’s an awful disease and an exhausting battle. My dream is a cure for this disease so no one I know and love will ever have to face the choices and decisions I have had to make in the last 18 months. Not to mention the long term effects of the treatment. I don’t know what the future holds for me with the lingering consequences of radiation and chemotherapy. The potential long term side effects are not minor. I pray that I get through this and get my life back, that I get the use of my body back and my mind comes back fully. But mostly I pray for a cure. I pray I get to live my life. I want to watch my grandson start kindergarten, I want to watch my daughter graduate from college, I want to watch my son put his life together, I want to outlive my parents. I just want to live a normal life, free from cancer.

So take care of yourselves, I don’t want anyone joining me in this battle, I’d rather have you all on the sidelines cheering me on.

Broadway

2010-10-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a nice trip up to Spokane to see South Pacific with Mike and my parents. It was a really enjoyable production, although it went a little late for me, I was pretty much toast by the end of the play. 10:30pm! It was a 3 hour show. But the players were excellent and hugely talented, the sets superb. We had a great dinner last night at a place called Spencers which was right next door to the theatre and had salad and steaks to die for. Expensive, but worth it.

We left and came home first thing this morning, mom and I were pretty tired and Mike had a soccer game this afternoon. I took it pretty easy all afternoon, its amazing how such a small trip can really zap all my energy so quickly. This round is going pretty good. I was able to eat really well yesterday, not quite so good today. They have me on shots of neupogen because my white count was so low and they make me really achy and my bones hurt and I feel like I’m coming down with the flu. I have only one more day of neupogen and then hopefully I’ll feel right as rain.

Just wanted to give you a quick update and now I’m off to the couch to rest and doze. I’ll try to write tomorrow.

Paying it Forward

2010-09-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

I am home everyday now and I get to watch the news regularly and I wonder what our world is coming to. There is so much tragedy and people are so cruel each other. What has happened to kindness and compassion? I see the transgressions that people commit against each other and it appalls me. The latest is the poor young man at Rutgers who committed suicide after his privacy was violated and spread on the internet. I am saddened by where our country and this next generation is headed. I believe that parents are trying. I see my son and some of his behavior and know that I did not raise him to behave in the manner in which he does. I see the environment in which our children are being raised and I wonder what kind of chance do they have. Our news and programs focus on violence and self-entitlement. Our children’s idols are admired for their illegal and immoral antics. In light of the disaster which is the economy, what about their dreams. Is the American Dream even valid or attainable anymore? Are we sending them false hope that they can have a job, home, family? It’s up to us to provide them with examples to live up to. I think we have a huge responsibility to do what we can to negate the affects of modern media and provide them with truth and examples of hope and kindness.

And that, my dear friends, is where I treasure all of you. I see the kindness that is heaped upon my family and I know there is still beauty in our world. It shows me and my family and anyone who follows our story the splendor of humanity. I am in the center of joy by being the recipient of so much kindness from my fellow man. I still sit in my yard and am awed by the thoughtfulness of the transformation. I have enjoyed my gorgeous yard each and every day and it has been so easy to handle the maintenance. I have to do very little to keep it beautiful. My family and friends have given me a bi-weekly cleaning service and weekly lawn service that further alleviates the burden of work on me and my family and we can focus on my health and healing.

The people around me give me hope of a better future. I worry about what kind of world we are leaving our children, but I know through personal experience that we can realistically wish for a better tomorrow. It only takes a spark to start a fire and the people who “pay it forward” are starting a trend for goodness, kindness, compassion and allow us to dream of future worthy of giving to the next generation. Keep paying it forward, your kindness is not going unnoticed.

Some Special Events To Know About...Pass It On!

2010-09-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hello my friends. I am feeling pretty good these days and was able to prepare Sunday dinner for my family, what a treat. I can’t remember the last time my family joined around my dining room table while I prepared them dinner. A great feeling, the normalcy of it all, the special time. I remember when fixing dinner was a chore and I took for granted that my family would always be around the table with me, not anymore. As I sat there and looked around, the people I love enjoying the food I prepared…don’t take that for granted, it is precious and should be treasured.

I received an email today from a lady who came across my blog and asked me to share the following information with all of you. Apparently NAPA is raising money for breast cancer and is painting a car to honor survivors and those who have lost the battle. I have all the information below. I know that I am certainly donating to get my name on the car. How cool to have my name on a NASCAR car! That is so cool!

About the program:

NAPA AUTO PARTS and NASCAR Sprint Cup driver Martin Truex, Jr., are teaming up with Susan G. Komen for the Cure to honor breast cancer victims, survivors and supporters via a special, one-of-a-kind fan-generated paint scheme featuring the names of individuals affected by breast cancer.

From now to Oct. 11, consumers can submit the names of loved ones affected by breast cancer to appear on the No. 56 NAPA Toyota by making a minimum donation of $5.60 via the NAPA Know How Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/napaknowhow). The NAPA Signature Car application allows you to enter a name and select the area of the car where you would like the dedication to appear. Your dedication will then be featured on the #56 NAPA AUTO PARTS Toyota for the November 7th NASCAR Sprint Cup Race at Texas Motor Speedway.

With the help of fan donations, NAPA is hoping to raise at least $250,000 for Susan G. Komen for the Cure during National Breast Cancer Awareness Month and to recognize more than 56,000 individuals affected by breast cancer with the custom paint scheme.

I just had some friends finish the 3-day Susan G. Komen walk in Seattle this weekend. I haven’t heard the details or how they did, but I did get a few text messages with pictures and it looks like they had a great time. On October 1st at 1pm I’ll be at Kadlec for the raising of the breast cancer flag. For the last 4 years I have been on the roof, this year that honor is going to another survivor and I am going to be down below leading the toast and cheering the flag raisers on! I can’t wait and if you can make it, be across the street from Kadlec just before 1pm.

Hope to see you there and pass on the information to all your friends. Let’s fight this disease together, it affects way too many people lives, people who dream of living their regular lives, nothing special, just do the things that all of you get to do. Never take the little things for granted, each moment is special.

Doing Good

2010-09-26T11:25:00.000-07:00

This has been the easiest round so far. The stomach problems have pretty much fixed themselves and as long as I stay on my pain meds the headaches are minimal, except first thing in the morning where they are raging. I may have to set an alarm and take meds in the middle of the night, it would probably help. As it is now, I take my morning meds about 7 or so and then go back to bed until my head feels good enough to arise. Usually it takes a few hours and another dose of pain meds, but once I get enough in me, and keep on track, I can stave off the pain most of the day.

My energy level has increased and I was able to do the historic home tour yesterday with Tina, which was great, and cook dinner last night. I am doing Sunday dinner for the family today which is a real treat; I can’t remember the last time I cooked Sunday dinner! I put a roast in the crock pot last night and the family is joining me at 2:00 for an early dinner before the hockey game tonight. I overdid it a bit yesterday because I was feeling good and am pretty tired today, but I am going ahead with dinner, the main course is already cooking, too late to back out now! Mom is going to come over about 1:00 and help me with the potatoes and noodles and stuff and dad and the kids will walk the dogs. Its gonna be a great dinner!! I also cooked Thursday night and last night, which has been nice to sit down with my daughter over my home cooked meal. I think she has really enjoyed it too! Mason was over Thursday and I felt so bad that he couldn’t eat with us, but his mouth is still wired shut so he is on a liquid diet and carne asada wouldn’t do well in a blender. J

I am looking forward to another good week, I just need to make sure not to overdo it when I feel good, which I have a tendency to do. I just get so excited when I finally feel good that I want to do everything! I need to learn a little restraint, which is tough to learn.

My lymphedema is back and my arm and fingers look like fat sausages. I have been wearing my big sleeve at night (at least most of the night, I usually take it off in the wee hours of the morning because it is driving me nuts) and it seems to be making it worse instead of better. I am going to try to get in with Sara this week and see if she can get the swelling down and find a way to keep it down. I do not know what is causing it to swell; it has been fine for months. For some reason I start to feel better and my arm starts to swell. I guess it’s just gotta be something!! I have learned through this last year that lymphedema is not near as bad as a lot of other maladies that I have endured, so I can deal with it.

Mike and I are going to go with my parents to see South Pacific, the Broadway musical, the first week in October up in Spokane. We are going up on the 6th and coming back on he 7th and I have my next round of chemo on the 4th, so hopefully the next round goes as good as this one is going. I am really excited, I have never seen this production live, I’ve seen the movie, but not the live version. It’s going to be a lot of fun. So I am praying this healing trend continues and I continue to tolerate the chemo well.

Things are looking up with the family, I’m feeling better, mom is starting to zip around like before she got hurt, Monica is out of the hospital and Brad should be getting out soon. So, maybe the tables are turning, I sure do hope so!

Fall Beauty

2010-09-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful day. That fall crispness fills the air, lightening my spirit and inspiring me to take a deep breath and take in the splendor. The leaves haven’t started to change yet, but you can see they are on the brink; the color burst is just around the corner. I am looking forward to the fall colors, I love the golds of the autumn, they give me hope for new life after the darkness of winter. The fall may lead us into the cold winds, but it also leads us into the joy of the holidays and the fresh blanket of white snow.

I love the seasons. Each one unique with its own brilliance and components of inspiration. I am grateful to be here today, to be able to enjoy the changing of another season to know that I am going to see the fall and be here to enjoy the winter and, God willing, I will be here in the spring when it all comes back to life and the flowers burst forth with all their dazzling colors.

I have been feeling really good this week. My headaches continue but the nausea has been minimal and I am not near as exhausted as I have been on previous rounds. I even drank coffee this week and made dinner last night! I can’t remember the last time that I actually made dinner. It wore me out, but I did it, and Peyton and I got to sit and enjoy a homemade meal together, her favorite, carne asada. It was delicious.

So things are going well, thank goodness. Finally, feeling better and I plan on continuing the upward swing.

Doing Good!

2010-09-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

So far so good. My round of chemo went well and I am feeling pretty good. The nausea has been minimal although the headaches continue untamed. I am on so many meds now that I finally created a spreadsheet with the drug and time each day so I can stay on schedule. It’s crazy. But it’s the only way I can stay on track.

My cousin is still in the hospital; he had surgery to wire his jaw shut and has already had one surgery on his leg. I am not sure if he is going to have anymore. Monica was just released today. She is staying with family during her recuperation. We aren’t sure when Brad is getting out of the hospital. Apparently the driver was driving into the sunset and didn’t see the red light or my family in the crosswalk and just blasted right into them without even slowing down. That’s why I hate driving into the sun, this is one of my biggest fears is to have the sun in my eyes and hit some innocent people. Brad and Monica aren’t angry; they are being very understanding about it all. I believe the driver has insurance, thank goodness; Brad and Monica have a long recovery.

My parents got home from Denver late Monday night. They were ready to come home but had a great time visiting Bill and his family. They didn’t do anything really special but my dad does enjoy rubbing it in to me about going to my favorite pizza joint in the world, Beau Jo’s. It is a pizza place unique to Colorado and is nothing short of fabulous. Makes my mouth water just to think about it! A few visits ago we went to Beau Jo’s right before I left and I took the leftovers on the plane home with me. I was even nice enough to share it with my kids. Gosh I’m nice. Peyton said that if she has to stay home and take care of Lucy (mom and dad’s dog) again and there are any thunderstorms she is going to make them pay her hazard pay. Lucy is pretty neurotic and had a really hard time with her mommy gone, then when that storm hit Friday night Lucy was up all night whining and panting. Then it rained all the next night and she was afraid it was going to thunder again so she paced and panted all night. Like we keep telling my parents, they’d better outlive their dog; no one is going to be able to take their place in her world!

I am having my first cup of coffee in months! It tastes wonderful! I don’t know yet how it will settle; but my stomach feels okay so I wanted to try to enjoy my favorite morning Doma brew. Yummy. I think that is a huge indication that I’m getting better. Coffee!!

It’s a cool fall day; I have my fireplace on and am enjoying the comfort of the fire. I love moving from summer to fall, the days cooling, the mornings crisp. Life is going to get better, the coffee proves it!

Update

2010-09-21T06:45:00.000-07:00

Short night. I am having a “waking EEG” today which means I couldn’t go to bed until midnight and had to be up by 5am. Once awake I can have no caffeine or sugar prior to the test. The sugar and caffeine are no big deal, I don’t drink coffee anymore anyway and I don’t eat a lot of sugar. Since I’m awake I’ll make Peyton breakfast so I can have a little bacon and hash browns. I am not positive what this test is going to tell me except how my brain wave function is working and how its changed since my EEG a few years ago. Dr. Zhang is trying to determine what is long term damage and what function is going to be returning. I have already received so much function on my right side back, I think there is hope I’ll get the full function back.

More bad news in the family. I want to get our family out of 2010. It has been a rough year. Friday night my cousin, Brad and his girlfriend, Monica, were leaving a restaurant on foot and were hit by a car as they were crossing the street. Monica broke her leg, shoulder and lost a tooth not to mention lots of bruises and street burns. Brad too the worst of it with both legs broken, knee shattered, two ribs broken, both sides of his jaw broken, lost a tooth (strangely the same one as Monica) and numerous bruises and bumps. They both had surgery on Saturday and as far as I know it went well. I do not know how long they will be hospitalized, but I think this is a long recovery, especially Brad. Employment has been tough in San Diego the last few years and he has been working intermittently and he finally was getting back to work full time. I sure hope this kid has insurance; Brad and Monica are going to have a rough road.

Due to the accident they were not able to make the scattering of my Aunts ashes off sunset cliffs. I can’t remember if I shared how they were scattering the ashes by going out on surfboards. I believe Bri road a few waves with her before scattering the ashes. They also dropped roses in the water as prayers for her, save one, Bri dropped it as a prayer for me. He said Bobbi Jo wouldn’t mind, I have to agree.

I still can’t believe she is gone and I’m never going to see her again. I probably only saw her once a year, but she’s been there back as far as I can remember, visiting with my cousins who would both dote on and terrorize me. We have a small family, my father is an only child and my mom had her twin sister and her brother who died in 1972. So my parents are all that’s left of that generation. I hope they live a long long time. I want to keep the rest of my family as long as I can.

The chemo has left me nauseas and tired. I anticipate about 10-12 days of feeling relatively rotten followed by a few days of feeling okay followed by another round of chemo. We want every last piece of cancer gone! I am having my CT and MRI on October 13th and then seeing Dr. Rado on October 18th. I know no matter what he is going to want to do quite a few more rounds of chemo just to make sure to get all the little pieces we might not be able to see floating around in my body. As much as I want to be done I want to be done for good. So if that takes a few more rounds, well then, I can tolerate that. It would just be nice to know there is an end in sight.

So that’s my day. Pray for Brad and Monica. They could really use some healing prayers sent their way. God protect and heal them.

Another Round

2010-09-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

I try to remember how many times I have sat in this chair, in these now familiar surroundings, and received a dreaded dose of chemo. This is a different chemo ward than the old one 5 years ago. Back then it was a big room with each patient separated only by thin curtains. There were tiny windows near the ceiling that let in a small amount of natural light, but mostly it was harsh fluorescent lighting illuminating the drab space. But we made the best of it, the openness fostered a camaraderie amongst the patients that allowed us to share in our misery and communicate our stories to each other. The new chemo ward is nicely done, each of us confined to our individual cubicles, the only communication a smile or nod as we walk past each other to use the restroom or get a drink. The desire to provide each of us with privacy ended the ability to share our journey with each other. There are a few people that I have been honored to talk to, but mostly I sit in my little cubicle, beautiful natural light pouring in, artwork purposefully placed outside the windows and share my time with Mike. Sometimes we visit, but mostly we enjoy a comfortable silence while he holds my hand as the poison pours in my veins, the poison that will hopefully save me.

I saw the doctor today and it went well. We continue to try to find the right mixture of drugs to combat the side effects of this chemo. We have scheduled through six rounds, even if the scans next month are clear. That takes me through the end of the year. We are doing CT and MRI in mid-October and then I’ll see Dr. Rado and...well…and we’ll see. He really wanted to do five or six rounds regardless of the outcome of the scans to make sure we get it all, even the stuff we can’t see. Based on my symptoms, it appears we are headed in the right direction. My right side is significantly better than it was back in June, which is comforting. Hopefully the tumors just keep on shrinking away.

So I persevere on, hoping I handle this round better than the last. We will see.

The Storm

2010-09-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

The thunder rolled through here last night like a war train. As I lay in bed and listened to the rumble and roar I thought of my disease and that it too is like a violent and unpredictable storm. It has an inner beauty as the lightening sears the sky and a dark undertone while the storm clouds roll through without mercy. It has been an difficult yet entlightening year as I have walked through this storm. Sometimes the storm clouds have been so thick and dark that I cannot see any daylight peering through and no future on the horizon. Then the lightening will burst forth and brighten the sky and I can see my surroundings, my situation and the time is lighted with an electricity that exudes excitement and wonder leaving my surroundings clear but the future hazy and unformed. Its the unknowing that is so unsettling. Not knowing what is going to happen when the clouds clear and the storm is over; where will I be standing then? Will I be standing tall and healthy or will I be crossing to the other side, leaving behind nothing but memories and an urn of ashes. I want to believe that the lightening is the portal to a bright and beautiful future, but therein lies the unknown. The dark clouds block the way.

So I will perservere through the storm. Though the rain may soak my spirit and the thunder may mar my way, I'll count on the light brightening the horizon that there will be a clearing in the future that I will walk boldly through and continue my life and my love. My friends cheering me on.

The Dream

2010-09-16T20:01:00.000-07:00

I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. It couldn’t be real. I must be dreaming. “Wake up” I try to scream, but no sound emanates from my lips. “Wake UP” I scream again, but the sound only echoes in the confines of my head. The pressure on my chest increases and it becomes harder to breath. Stop, please stop, let me go, I plea in my head trying to telepathically relay the request to the being holding me tight. I look down on my room from the upper corner where he holds me captive. This is impossible, to be up here, suspended in the air against the wall only the force of his desire holding me there.

His eyes burn like coal. Red fire reigned down on me. His lips were pursed in a crooked line and his soul emitted a resonate evil. Darkness surrounded him. I could feel him sucking the life out of me as I struggled. The more I fought the more forceful the pressure. My voice useless, my limbs held tight, my chest being crushed under the evil forces that pushed against me.

I pushed back. With all my goodness and all my light I pushed back forcefully. You will NOT take me resonates in my mind and I lock eyes with him, unafraid. You will NOT. The corners of his lips twitch ever so slightly and his eyes flicker briefly and all the sudden the pressure is released and I’m falling, falling, falling…

Freefalling, cart wheeling through blackness, spinning, whirling no end no bottom in sight. Then, suddenly, I’m on a roller coaster, and it is tossing me to and fro, side to side, up and down. I’m surrounded by screaming people; they are joyful, hopeful, full of life. They fill my heart, the blackness falls away replaced by overwhelming light as I rise and fall through the twister called life.

I wake up. Consciousness comes swiftly and I look around my familiar surroundings. The room is empty, I am alone but the remnants of the dream remain. I wonder about its strange composition but knowing and understanding the message for which my subconscious sends. Evil may be lurking in my life, but life is a roller coaster and I might as well enjoy the ride.

Getting Better, Finally

2010-09-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

I think the worst is finally over. My stomach is still upset, but not as bad and I seem to have a little more energy today. I usually feel better in the late afternoon/evening, and that is how it is today. I finally started to perk up about an hour ago (4ish) and threw in a load of laundry, which is badly in need of being done. Just that small chore left me out of breath and tired and I had to sit down for awhile, but at least I was able to do it!!

The parentals leave for Denver tomorrow, Peyton is going to stay at the house and take care of little Lucy. She simply is unable to stay alone. That is one spoiled and neurotic dog. I love her, she is wonderful and a perfect dog for my parents, but we always joke that they better outlive her because none of us will spoil her the way they do. I know I come close spoiling my dogs as much, but not quite. Based on our puppies…we’d better all live long long lives!

Speaking of the dogs, we almost lost Sophie in Amon Creek. Dad, Houston and Jessie took the dogs for a walk down to the creek on Sunday and they, of course, got in the water like they always do. However, the water is very high right now and the two older dogs know to stay out of the current. Sophie, on the other hand, is not quite that bright and got caught in the current which carried her downstream and she couldn’t get out. Thank goodness dad noticed and Houston ran down the bank and was able to pull her out. This is where it gets sort of funny; silly dog jumped right back in. I think God forgot Sophie when he was handing out brains. Anyway, they got her out again and kept her out this time. Dogs. Gotta love them.

So things are improving slightly, of which I am eternally grateful. Hopefully, every day will get a little bit better.

Plugging Along

2010-09-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like I do nothing but complain these days, but that is just what is going on with my body right now. I am weary of this constant head pain, nausea and overwhelming fatigue. I want to be able to play with my grandson and do yard work and eat hot green chili. I want to be able to write and read with the ease of a competent adult. I am half way into the first half of round three, so the end has to be coming soon. I have the second half September 23 and then the following week they will be doing CT and MRI scans to see what the status of the cancer is; please God let it be gone.

I got to spend a little time with Jessie today which was incredibly enjoyable. He is so loving and careful with me. He knows his nana is sick so he treats me so gentle. He asks me “you okay nana?” and hugs and cuddles with me. It is beautiful. It is a reason to keep persevering through this nightmare that has become my life. I tire so easy that I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with him, but enough to put a sparkle in my day and a smile in my heart.

Mom is recovering well from her surgery. She is the toughest woman I know. She and dad are flying down to Denver this week to see my brother and his wife and their two kids who are in Denver visiting. Well, Jason is visiting, Andrew recently moved back to Denver to be with his girlfriend. There is always a girl in the picture!! Bill and Rhonda just bought a new house so my parents are really excited. They invited me to go, but I am done traveling for awhile. It is just too hard on my body. So I’ll stay home and Peyton and I will take care of the dogs.

Off to nap. Hopefully when I wake up my stomach will feel better, my head won’t hurt anymore and I’ll just plain feel better. I can only hope.

What if?

2010-09-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wish you could just fast forward your life? Jump forward 3, 6, 10 months or even a year and skip all the heartaches and pain ahead of you. What would you miss? Would it be worth it to miss the good in order to avoid the bad? That’s how I feel some days when I’m laying in bed, stabbing pain in my head waiting, wondering when or if the pain is going to go away. Wishing I could just fast forward until the treatment, this battle is done and over with, and I am working my way back towards health and wellness.

I guess I am glad that its not possible to jump forward because in between the darkness there are rays of sunshine that are so brilliant and beautiful that to miss them would be a crime. In fact it’s those rays that give me the strength to pull myself up and keep moving forward despite the continuing pain, frustration of the ongoing treatment, the exhaustion. I keep going because beyond all the pain there is such extreme splendor in this life. And I don’t want to miss a minute of it.

Small Improvements

2010-09-02T14:36:00.000-07:00

I woke up today to a cool morning surrounded and warmed by my faithful dogs. They never leave my side, especially my Kyra. She is there in the nighttime when I fall asleep and there when I awake in the morning. Faithful by my side, watching over me. She looks at me with those big beautiful brown eyes, full of love and caring and I know she would die for me. Whatever it takes, Kyra would go to any lengths to care for and protect me. Dogs are wonderful creatures. I can’t imagine my life without them. Sophie is turning from a puppy into a wonderful dog. She still has her puppy moments, chewing up stuff, digging holes, but she loves her people and is loyal and loving.

I woke up this morning feeling mildly better and praised God for small miracles. The indigestion is subsiding ever so slightly, but I’ll take any improvement I can muster. I am still awful tired and can easily sleep 10-12 hours at a stretch. The headaches just continue. But I enjoy every moment I can, sitting on my beautiful back patio, enjoying the sunshine and the cool breeze. I still can’t get over the beauty of the yard and how much I take pleasure in it. I mean, I have always enjoyed my yard, its one of the main reasons that I bought this house, but the enjoyment has increased exponentially because it is filled with the love of my friends and my family.

I got to take the dogs for a short walk today and I can feel the taste of fall on the breeze. As it caressed my skin I smiled thinking of the colors soon to come, the cool nights and mornings, the brilliant harvest moon. I hope I have the energy to plant some fall bulbs to enjoy after the dark and cold winter. The walk felt nice, although I tired easy. The dogs ran free and had a wonderful time, and I enjoyed watching them be free.

I hear it will heat up again soon, a little more summer before the coming of the fall. Enjoy the sunshine.