If you remember, I was supposed to have 6 rounds (12 doses) of chemo and then we would do Round 7 for “good measure.” Well, this “one more round for good measure” is not working out so well for me. It has landed me in the hospital and has now confined me to my home. If my oncologist ever wants to do “one more round for good measure” I’m just going to have to say no.
I had my blood levels checked this morning and the GOOD news is that my platelets are up to 44. While that isn’t exactly a stellar number and is a far cry from a normal count of 150, it is a heck of a lot better than 8 where I was at risk to bleed to death! I’m still at risk for bleeding at 44, but I’ll clot eventually, so as long as I don’t get in a car accident or have a major head trauma, I should be fine. I need to be cautious, but not live in a bubble. Also, the fact that I have 44 means that my body is finally starting to produce its own platelets and I don’t have to depend on the kindness of donor platelets. That is great news. Hopefully by next week’s blood checks I’ll be up over 100.
The BAD news is that my white count has bottomed out again and I am severely neutropenic. That means I’m at risk for infection and I’m back in that bubble. I cannot be in public, so any activities that I had planned for the weekend that involved being in the general public are out. I don’t have to be hospitalized, but I do have to stay home and away from people.
I had a busy weekend planned too. I was scheduled to do the curtain speech at the Nutcracker this weekend as a member of the Mid-Columbia Ballet Board of Directors. I had already worked on memorizing the speech, because I always do it sans script because I think it is more personal that way. It is tough to hold a microphone in one hand, a script in the other and still have personal contact with your audience. Luckily, I was figuring this might happen, so I had given the producers a head’s up to have a back up ready for me. So Joel Rogo (owner of the dance studio) has dusted off his tie and will be handling the curtain speech this weekend. I also won’t be able to attend the Nutcracker as planned, and will be missing the performance for the first time in more than seven years. The Kadlec Holiday party was scheduled for tomorrow night, so I’ll be missing my company holiday party. Then there is the shopping. I have Christmas shopping to do. Christmas isn’t going to be happening if I can’t go shopping!! So my bone marrow better get back on track. I have things to do!!
Looking at the bright side, I get to stay home and catch up on movies, read books and rest, rest, rest. I am still pretty tired and the shots to improve my white count make my bones hurt. So I will embrace this coveted rest time. How many people wish they could take a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday chaos and do nothing for a few weeks? So eat your heart out all of you crazily going from one activity to another, caught up in the holiday madness, I’m going to go take a nap.
Besides. There is always online shopping. :-)
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Keeping the Faith
I had a dear friend in Wyoming send me an email sharing how angry she was that all this is happening to me. It made me sit back and think…am I angry? And if I am angry…who am I angry at?
So I searched my heart and soul and realized that anger is not an emotion that I harbor anymore. Not at anyone. I’d be lying if I told you that I have not had my moments of anger as I screamed “why me” at God for this injustice. But somewhere during these months of sickness and these times of despair I faced the anger and released it to the winds to carry to the four corners of the earth. I surrendered it to God. Anger eats me up inside and I realized that it is an emotion that was more harmful to me than the cancer. And as I looked at why I was angry it became apparent, what am I angry about? There are millions of people that have it worse off than me, who are starving, living in poverty, who couldn’t even begin to get treatment for the most basic of medical needs, much less cancer. I live in a place and in an era that allows me access to the highest standard of medical care available. If there is a way to beat this disease, I have been given the tools to beat it.
It’s hard to look at the “bright side” when battling a life threatening illness, but there is always something to be gained, if one is willing to take the time to open their minds to the possibilities. I have gained a knowledge and awareness of my place in this world and my impact on the people around me. I have been given the opportunity to reach people that I don’t even know through this blog and to share my story. I have been allowed the honor to encourage others and to instill hope into their lives. Cancer has given me the gift of immeasurable love. I don’t think I ever realized how many people love and care about me until this crisis struck. Then I looked around and there were so many friends reaching their hands out to lift me up. I truly had no idea. How could I even begin to entertain anger in my soul with all the love in my life? Sure, I could be angry. But I’m not. I’m tired of the battle and sometimes I get sad and my heart fills with despair, but I am comforted by the treasure of friends who continually overwhelm me with their kindness and their compassion.
God has a plan. We just don’t see the big picture. How can we? We are just one little cog in the wheel of the universe and it is beyond our comprehension to understand how our lives, our strife, can affect the whole. But with faith, lemons can create lemonade and joy can be found in the midst of the sadness. Faith can carry us through a myriad of crisis; we just need to look upward, not inward.
So it is in my life as I keep the faith and I move through my day with the hope of being cured. I worked for a few hours yesterday turning everything over to Wendy and allowing myself to take the remainder of the week to stay home and rest. And rest I do! I am so tired and I just want to sleep and sleep and I have allowed myself to do just that. When my platelets were checked yesterday they had dropped down to 23, so they are still going the wrong direction. The only thing I can do is rest and hope that my bone marrow starts working again producing platelets. We are going to check my blood levels again on Friday and I am praying that the numbers come up. If not, then there are more transfusions in my future.
This latest issue has made me sit back and think about my treatment and my need to focus on my health. I need to take the time to get well and put my health as the number one priority in my life. I have decided to only go to work for a few hours next week to see what else needs to be done and then to take the rest of the month off to strengthen my body and prepare for the next rounds of chemo. When I go back to work it will probably be for only two days a week. The next rounds are going to be important; I want them to be my last.
I am on the mend. I just need to get these darn platelets up. In the meantime I rest. And rest. And rest. And rest.
So I searched my heart and soul and realized that anger is not an emotion that I harbor anymore. Not at anyone. I’d be lying if I told you that I have not had my moments of anger as I screamed “why me” at God for this injustice. But somewhere during these months of sickness and these times of despair I faced the anger and released it to the winds to carry to the four corners of the earth. I surrendered it to God. Anger eats me up inside and I realized that it is an emotion that was more harmful to me than the cancer. And as I looked at why I was angry it became apparent, what am I angry about? There are millions of people that have it worse off than me, who are starving, living in poverty, who couldn’t even begin to get treatment for the most basic of medical needs, much less cancer. I live in a place and in an era that allows me access to the highest standard of medical care available. If there is a way to beat this disease, I have been given the tools to beat it.
It’s hard to look at the “bright side” when battling a life threatening illness, but there is always something to be gained, if one is willing to take the time to open their minds to the possibilities. I have gained a knowledge and awareness of my place in this world and my impact on the people around me. I have been given the opportunity to reach people that I don’t even know through this blog and to share my story. I have been allowed the honor to encourage others and to instill hope into their lives. Cancer has given me the gift of immeasurable love. I don’t think I ever realized how many people love and care about me until this crisis struck. Then I looked around and there were so many friends reaching their hands out to lift me up. I truly had no idea. How could I even begin to entertain anger in my soul with all the love in my life? Sure, I could be angry. But I’m not. I’m tired of the battle and sometimes I get sad and my heart fills with despair, but I am comforted by the treasure of friends who continually overwhelm me with their kindness and their compassion.
God has a plan. We just don’t see the big picture. How can we? We are just one little cog in the wheel of the universe and it is beyond our comprehension to understand how our lives, our strife, can affect the whole. But with faith, lemons can create lemonade and joy can be found in the midst of the sadness. Faith can carry us through a myriad of crisis; we just need to look upward, not inward.
So it is in my life as I keep the faith and I move through my day with the hope of being cured. I worked for a few hours yesterday turning everything over to Wendy and allowing myself to take the remainder of the week to stay home and rest. And rest I do! I am so tired and I just want to sleep and sleep and I have allowed myself to do just that. When my platelets were checked yesterday they had dropped down to 23, so they are still going the wrong direction. The only thing I can do is rest and hope that my bone marrow starts working again producing platelets. We are going to check my blood levels again on Friday and I am praying that the numbers come up. If not, then there are more transfusions in my future.
This latest issue has made me sit back and think about my treatment and my need to focus on my health. I need to take the time to get well and put my health as the number one priority in my life. I have decided to only go to work for a few hours next week to see what else needs to be done and then to take the rest of the month off to strengthen my body and prepare for the next rounds of chemo. When I go back to work it will probably be for only two days a week. The next rounds are going to be important; I want them to be my last.
I am on the mend. I just need to get these darn platelets up. In the meantime I rest. And rest. And rest. And rest.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Bak in Front of the Fireplace.
It’s a bitterly cold morning outside, only 10 degrees, but it is warm in front of the fireplace. It is so nice to be back in front of my fireplace, now richly decorated with its festive stockings. I’d like to say that I’m feeling all better and everything is just hunky dory, but I’d be lying. I am very tired and my body feels weak, but my spirits are good. Being in the hospital was not the greatest experience of my life, but I learned a lot about the affects of chemo on my body and how to treat those side effects. I thought I’d explain some of this medical jargon, so maybe it will make more sense to you when you read about it.
Platelets are what make your blood clot. Without platelets you would bleed to death. Did you know that transfused platelets only last in your body for a few days and the ones that are transfused are used up really fast when you are as low as I was. That is why it took me so long to go to the ER on Saturday. I had received two units of platelets on Friday, so why would I need to go to the ER? In my mind I thought I just needed to wait it out and the platelets would eventually “kick in” and the bleeding would stop. Well, that isn’t how it works, and now I know. When platelets are falling as fast as mine were the transfused ones are used up really quickly and my body isn’t making any to replace them, so even after a transfusion, the platelets can get even lower. Transfused platelets just don’t stay in your body that long, maybe a few days, and then your body has to start making its own. I ended up getting six units of platelets, two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Monday. For some reason, when I get platelets I react with fever and chills, so a platelet transfusion isn’t very fun, but I’m sure glad when the bleeding stops, and my counts come up so I don’t have to worry about bleeding to death.
Red cells aren’t used up quite as quickly. My red count was low, but not as dangerously low as my platelets, and even they continued to fall after the transfusion. The red cells carry oxygen. So when my red cells are low, I am weak and short of breath, my heart rate is high because it has to work so hard with less oxygen. I ended up getting five units of packed red blood cells, which is high concentration red cells. Its nice when the red cells kick in because the energy comes back and I can walk up with stairs without my heard pounding out of my chest and feeling like a ran a marathon. I still get a little short of breath on the stairs, but its getting better, so I know my counts are coming up.
I have spent the last week neutropenic, which means I don’t have the white cells that fight off infection. When you are neutropenic, they don’t recommend that you get out and about at all since you are susceptible to just about anything. They have been giving me shots called neupogen to increase my white cell production. I have one more shot today, and hopefully that will be it. The neupogen makes my bones ache since it is stimulating cell production, so the neupogen is pretty miserable, but necessary.
I am not sure when they are going to check my blood levels again. When I go in today to get my neupogen shot I’m going to talk to Michelle, my chemo nurse, and ask her when we are checking blood levels and when I can resume normal activity. I have realized that I need to find a way to get my work wrapped up and take some time off. I am not sure how to strengthen my body and get my bone marrow back to normal producing platelets and blood cells, but I am sure that rest has a lot to do with it, and that is not something that I am very good at doing. I have realized that I probably need to take some significant time to rest and recover. Otherwise, I’m never going to make it through the next round when we start up again at the end of the month.
The only good news is that if I’m this sick, the chemo is working. Its killing all the cells and hopefully, the tumors and cancer cells are dying even quicker than all my good cells. It is certainly a balancing act. Only kill enough to keep me alive. What a crazy dose of medicine!
Platelets are what make your blood clot. Without platelets you would bleed to death. Did you know that transfused platelets only last in your body for a few days and the ones that are transfused are used up really fast when you are as low as I was. That is why it took me so long to go to the ER on Saturday. I had received two units of platelets on Friday, so why would I need to go to the ER? In my mind I thought I just needed to wait it out and the platelets would eventually “kick in” and the bleeding would stop. Well, that isn’t how it works, and now I know. When platelets are falling as fast as mine were the transfused ones are used up really quickly and my body isn’t making any to replace them, so even after a transfusion, the platelets can get even lower. Transfused platelets just don’t stay in your body that long, maybe a few days, and then your body has to start making its own. I ended up getting six units of platelets, two on Friday, two on Saturday and two on Monday. For some reason, when I get platelets I react with fever and chills, so a platelet transfusion isn’t very fun, but I’m sure glad when the bleeding stops, and my counts come up so I don’t have to worry about bleeding to death.
Red cells aren’t used up quite as quickly. My red count was low, but not as dangerously low as my platelets, and even they continued to fall after the transfusion. The red cells carry oxygen. So when my red cells are low, I am weak and short of breath, my heart rate is high because it has to work so hard with less oxygen. I ended up getting five units of packed red blood cells, which is high concentration red cells. Its nice when the red cells kick in because the energy comes back and I can walk up with stairs without my heard pounding out of my chest and feeling like a ran a marathon. I still get a little short of breath on the stairs, but its getting better, so I know my counts are coming up.
I have spent the last week neutropenic, which means I don’t have the white cells that fight off infection. When you are neutropenic, they don’t recommend that you get out and about at all since you are susceptible to just about anything. They have been giving me shots called neupogen to increase my white cell production. I have one more shot today, and hopefully that will be it. The neupogen makes my bones ache since it is stimulating cell production, so the neupogen is pretty miserable, but necessary.
I am not sure when they are going to check my blood levels again. When I go in today to get my neupogen shot I’m going to talk to Michelle, my chemo nurse, and ask her when we are checking blood levels and when I can resume normal activity. I have realized that I need to find a way to get my work wrapped up and take some time off. I am not sure how to strengthen my body and get my bone marrow back to normal producing platelets and blood cells, but I am sure that rest has a lot to do with it, and that is not something that I am very good at doing. I have realized that I probably need to take some significant time to rest and recover. Otherwise, I’m never going to make it through the next round when we start up again at the end of the month.
The only good news is that if I’m this sick, the chemo is working. Its killing all the cells and hopefully, the tumors and cancer cells are dying even quicker than all my good cells. It is certainly a balancing act. Only kill enough to keep me alive. What a crazy dose of medicine!
Monday, December 7, 2009
Home Sweet Home
My nose stopped bleeding. Thank God. I never realized how much I appreciated breathing through my nose until I couldn’t anymore! I had a restful night last night, at least as restful as one can have when they are in the hospital, and my nurse was nice enough to wait until 4:30am to take my vitals this morning and the phlebotomist didn’t come in until 5am to take my blood. So I really got to sleep in, at least by hospital standards.
I was blessed by Angela Ball coming by this morning with a cup of Starbucks and a pumpkin scone on her way to work at 6am. Wonderful way to start my day with a visit from a dear friend and some much needed caffeine. The coffee here at the hospital leaves a lot to be desired. I was graced with a steady stream of visitors throughout the morning. I am humbled by the number of friends I have and how many people care for me and are praying for me. It the reason I keep persevering and am able to make it through this treatment as well as I have and with as good of an attitude as I have, because of the people supporting me. They keep me going and going and going, just like the energizer bunny. My friends energize me.
Dr. Rado also came to see me this morning, what a treat to see MY doctor, not some random physician that gets assigned to you at the hospital. I was scolded for not calling him on his cell phone this weekend when I started having problems, and I was firmly reminded that I am not only his patient, but I am also his friend, and I should be calling him if I need him. Duly noted. Hopefully, I won’t be in this position again! I don’t really want to go through this another time, it was miserable. Dr. Rado agreed to let me go home after I received another two units of platelets and doses of neupogen today and tomorrow.
It is so nice to be home. I got excellent care at the hospital, the nurses were amazing, but I was so ready to be in my own home with my puppies and my kitty and my daughter and my own bed. I got home about 1:30 and went straight to bed for the afternoon. I am so tired and weak and will be back to bed early this evening. My puppies were very happy to see me and were more than willing to snuggle up and take a nap with me today.
Thanks for all your prayers while I was in the hospital, without your prayers; I’d probably still be there.
I was blessed by Angela Ball coming by this morning with a cup of Starbucks and a pumpkin scone on her way to work at 6am. Wonderful way to start my day with a visit from a dear friend and some much needed caffeine. The coffee here at the hospital leaves a lot to be desired. I was graced with a steady stream of visitors throughout the morning. I am humbled by the number of friends I have and how many people care for me and are praying for me. It the reason I keep persevering and am able to make it through this treatment as well as I have and with as good of an attitude as I have, because of the people supporting me. They keep me going and going and going, just like the energizer bunny. My friends energize me.
Dr. Rado also came to see me this morning, what a treat to see MY doctor, not some random physician that gets assigned to you at the hospital. I was scolded for not calling him on his cell phone this weekend when I started having problems, and I was firmly reminded that I am not only his patient, but I am also his friend, and I should be calling him if I need him. Duly noted. Hopefully, I won’t be in this position again! I don’t really want to go through this another time, it was miserable. Dr. Rado agreed to let me go home after I received another two units of platelets and doses of neupogen today and tomorrow.
It is so nice to be home. I got excellent care at the hospital, the nurses were amazing, but I was so ready to be in my own home with my puppies and my kitty and my daughter and my own bed. I got home about 1:30 and went straight to bed for the afternoon. I am so tired and weak and will be back to bed early this evening. My puppies were very happy to see me and were more than willing to snuggle up and take a nap with me today.
Thanks for all your prayers while I was in the hospital, without your prayers; I’d probably still be there.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Now I wait.
Anyone who has been in a hospital knows that it is no place for sick people and certainly no place to get rest!
I got to the Kadlec ER at about 12:30 on Saturday. There are definite advantages to being a neutropenic cancer patient and one of them is you get taken to a room right away. When I arrived, I told the nurse “I am a patient of Dr. Rado’s and I am neutropenic.” This allowed me to bypass all the sick people in the waiting room. I went straight to a room…no triage…no waiting…no muss…no fuss. I spent the next five hours in the ED getting blood work done, receiving platelets and having my nose packed, which was an absolutely lovely experience. Having a “nose tampon” shoved up your nose is an experience everyone should have at least once. Makes one appreciate breathing.
Originally, they had said I was going to the CDU for my platelets, which meant I would be here for a little while, but not actually admitted. Imagine my surprise when I found out that I was not going to CDU, but was being admitted until “at least tomorrow.” ‘At least tomorrow’, what the heck does that mean?! I just needed platelets and then go home, right? Well, I guess not. I was informed that I was in the hospital until my platelets came up and my bleeding stopped. This is when another advantage to begin neutropenic came in. I had to have a private room, so I ended up on the surgical floor, which are nice big private rooms, with individual baths and showers, so much better than the medical floor, which desperately needs to be redone.
Still, not a place to rest. I finally got to my room about 6pm and ordered something to eat, I hadn’t eaten all day. I found it very hard to consume food while my nose was bleeding, so I really hadn’t eaten much for three days. Just about the time I was getting my food, it was time to go get a chest x-ray. So I was transported to x-ray, got back to my room, started eating and it was time for IV antibiotics and a blood draw. Finally, I got to eat. And tasty soup it was!! Maybe being so hungry helped.
I was getting blood transfused until about 11pm and my last blood draw was at midnight. At that time my platelets had finally come up to 42, but my hemoglobin had not increased at all. Finally I got to sleep a little bit, in short one hour bursts. The bed is terribly uncomfortable and the pillow, awful, and the hallway noise, not to mention the incredibly bright red clock on the wall that counts out not only the minutes, but the seconds. So you can see second by second all the minutes you are not sleeping! Very handy.
After only four short hours, it was time for my vitals. Then at 6am another blood draw and IV antibiotics. At 8am another blood draw…are you getting the picture here? No rest. Rest is not allowed in hospitals.
Now I wait. I wait to see if the doctor is going to release me. My latest levels shows platelets down just a little to 39 but my hemoglobin is finally starting to come up. I think my nose has finally stopped bleeding and I hope the doctor will yank this dang nose tampon out soon! It makes for difficult breathing, and it looks funny.
I’m ready to go home. I promise to keep resting if they would just let me go home!
I got to the Kadlec ER at about 12:30 on Saturday. There are definite advantages to being a neutropenic cancer patient and one of them is you get taken to a room right away. When I arrived, I told the nurse “I am a patient of Dr. Rado’s and I am neutropenic.” This allowed me to bypass all the sick people in the waiting room. I went straight to a room…no triage…no waiting…no muss…no fuss. I spent the next five hours in the ED getting blood work done, receiving platelets and having my nose packed, which was an absolutely lovely experience. Having a “nose tampon” shoved up your nose is an experience everyone should have at least once. Makes one appreciate breathing.
Originally, they had said I was going to the CDU for my platelets, which meant I would be here for a little while, but not actually admitted. Imagine my surprise when I found out that I was not going to CDU, but was being admitted until “at least tomorrow.” ‘At least tomorrow’, what the heck does that mean?! I just needed platelets and then go home, right? Well, I guess not. I was informed that I was in the hospital until my platelets came up and my bleeding stopped. This is when another advantage to begin neutropenic came in. I had to have a private room, so I ended up on the surgical floor, which are nice big private rooms, with individual baths and showers, so much better than the medical floor, which desperately needs to be redone.
Still, not a place to rest. I finally got to my room about 6pm and ordered something to eat, I hadn’t eaten all day. I found it very hard to consume food while my nose was bleeding, so I really hadn’t eaten much for three days. Just about the time I was getting my food, it was time to go get a chest x-ray. So I was transported to x-ray, got back to my room, started eating and it was time for IV antibiotics and a blood draw. Finally, I got to eat. And tasty soup it was!! Maybe being so hungry helped.
I was getting blood transfused until about 11pm and my last blood draw was at midnight. At that time my platelets had finally come up to 42, but my hemoglobin had not increased at all. Finally I got to sleep a little bit, in short one hour bursts. The bed is terribly uncomfortable and the pillow, awful, and the hallway noise, not to mention the incredibly bright red clock on the wall that counts out not only the minutes, but the seconds. So you can see second by second all the minutes you are not sleeping! Very handy.
After only four short hours, it was time for my vitals. Then at 6am another blood draw and IV antibiotics. At 8am another blood draw…are you getting the picture here? No rest. Rest is not allowed in hospitals.
Now I wait. I wait to see if the doctor is going to release me. My latest levels shows platelets down just a little to 39 but my hemoglobin is finally starting to come up. I think my nose has finally stopped bleeding and I hope the doctor will yank this dang nose tampon out soon! It makes for difficult breathing, and it looks funny.
I’m ready to go home. I promise to keep resting if they would just let me go home!
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Need your prayers!!
Well, it’s been a hell of a week. I’m in the hospital, trying to get my platelets up above an 8. Normal is 150-400. On Thursday morning I knew there was something wrong when I wasn’t able to get my nose to stop bleeding. So I headed over to the cancer center to have my blood drawn and about 2 hours later got a call that my platelets were critical low, only 15. I was also anemic and neutropenic (no white cells). So I needed a transfusion of platelets and packed red blood cells. We talked about doing the transfusion on Thursday night, but the only way to do it would have been to be admitted to the medical floor, and I wasn’t too keen on that, so I promised I would stay home, be careful and do my transfusion first thing on Friday morning.
In retrospect, that wasn’t the wisest decision. My nose started bleeding again Thursday night about 10pm and bleed for the next 10 hours. It was a very very long night. The blood just would not coagulate. So on Friday morning I felt horrible, absolutely horrible. But I dragged myself up, stuffed my nose with tissue, armed myself with a box of Kleenex and headed over to the hospital. After two bags of platelets, the nose bleeding minimized and almost completely stopped. I thought I was in the clear.
Then the fever started. My fever started creeping up and by the time I left the hospital my temperature was 100.3. At 100.5 I have to call the doctor. So I went home and was feeling really crummy and went to bed. I woke up about an hour later and checked my temp, up to 101.8. So definitely going the wrong direction. I called the cancer center. They wanted me to go get a chest x-ray, blood and urine tests to see if I had a neutropenic infection. (blood infection). The chest and urine came out fine, so they sent me home and let me know that they would contact me on the blood cultures, which take 24-48 hours. So I went home and slept and slept. My fever finally broke about 3am and by the time I woke up at 7am I was weak and tired, but feeling much better. Then my nose started bleeding again. And it bleed and bleed and bleed. No matter what I did I couldn’t get it to stop. So by noon I called the doctor and asked him what to do. He said, “head to the emergency room”, so I did. At the ED they ran blood test and found that instead of my platelets going up, they have gone down, and now are at 8. My hemoglobin has also gone down from 9.1 to 8.9, so not a lot, but they are headed the wrong direction! So, unfortunately they admitted me to the hospital until I can 1) get my nose to stop bleeding and 2) get my platelets headed in the right direction – UP. I am in for at least 24 hours, maybe longer.
At least I was admitted to the surgical floor, 4th floor, which is a really nice private room. My nurses are so nice, in fact everyone has been super nice, caring and helpful. I know they only want me to be safe and healthy; I just hate being here at the hospital. They have these things on my legs to keep my circulation going so I can’t get up and around without the nurses help, which stinks, really takes away my independence.
So, my faithful prayer warriors, I am asking for your prayers. Pray that my platelets come up and that I get to go home tomorrow. I want to go home. I don’t like being here in the hospital. I want to get healthy and start my recovery.
In retrospect, that wasn’t the wisest decision. My nose started bleeding again Thursday night about 10pm and bleed for the next 10 hours. It was a very very long night. The blood just would not coagulate. So on Friday morning I felt horrible, absolutely horrible. But I dragged myself up, stuffed my nose with tissue, armed myself with a box of Kleenex and headed over to the hospital. After two bags of platelets, the nose bleeding minimized and almost completely stopped. I thought I was in the clear.
Then the fever started. My fever started creeping up and by the time I left the hospital my temperature was 100.3. At 100.5 I have to call the doctor. So I went home and was feeling really crummy and went to bed. I woke up about an hour later and checked my temp, up to 101.8. So definitely going the wrong direction. I called the cancer center. They wanted me to go get a chest x-ray, blood and urine tests to see if I had a neutropenic infection. (blood infection). The chest and urine came out fine, so they sent me home and let me know that they would contact me on the blood cultures, which take 24-48 hours. So I went home and slept and slept. My fever finally broke about 3am and by the time I woke up at 7am I was weak and tired, but feeling much better. Then my nose started bleeding again. And it bleed and bleed and bleed. No matter what I did I couldn’t get it to stop. So by noon I called the doctor and asked him what to do. He said, “head to the emergency room”, so I did. At the ED they ran blood test and found that instead of my platelets going up, they have gone down, and now are at 8. My hemoglobin has also gone down from 9.1 to 8.9, so not a lot, but they are headed the wrong direction! So, unfortunately they admitted me to the hospital until I can 1) get my nose to stop bleeding and 2) get my platelets headed in the right direction – UP. I am in for at least 24 hours, maybe longer.
At least I was admitted to the surgical floor, 4th floor, which is a really nice private room. My nurses are so nice, in fact everyone has been super nice, caring and helpful. I know they only want me to be safe and healthy; I just hate being here at the hospital. They have these things on my legs to keep my circulation going so I can’t get up and around without the nurses help, which stinks, really takes away my independence.
So, my faithful prayer warriors, I am asking for your prayers. Pray that my platelets come up and that I get to go home tomorrow. I want to go home. I don’t like being here in the hospital. I want to get healthy and start my recovery.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Finding the Lost Woman
I have the most amazing friends. That really struck me the other day when I received another remarkable card of support. When I needed it the most, this card was there, encouraging me, cheering me on, helping to lift my head up out of the darkness. And the darkness is where I feel I have been.
Cancer takes me into this terrible dismal place where there is no joy, no laughter, no sound at all. It is not only the silence that surrounds me, but it is the total absence of light. Not even a pinprick in the distance. Absolute utter darkness. All that is good and right and joyful has been sucked out of the room leaving me in a place I no longer recognize as home with a person I no longer recognize as me. I looked at myself and realized that I don’t know that person looking back at me in the mirror. The person that I know is loud and gregarious and loves to talk and visit with her friends for hours on end. The woman that stares back at me is solemn and serious, preferring to remain alone in a solitary existence. She is tired and irritable, short tempered and sad, and yet her friends still loved her and support her, lifting her up, knowing that person that they love is still inside there somewhere, trapped in the bleak underpinnings of cancer.
My friends remember the person that I was before the cancer took it toll on not only my body, but my mind, my life, my essence as a woman, and they love me in spite of the person that I have become. They are kind enough to not ask where she is, or when she’ll be back, but soldier on with me secure in the knowledge that she is in there somewhere, lost and lonely, screaming to come back to her life. I realize how much I miss that woman, that girl, that smiling, laughing, loud mouthed, talk-incessantly without stopping person. I realize how much I want her back. And I look into the eyes of my friends, and I see her reflected back at me and know that she is still here; she is just trapped in the shadows of the disease and imprisoned in a jail of hopelessness and despair.
So I reach deep inside, beyond the darkness, the silence, the desolation and isolation and I see her. She is not lost, she is there, simply waiting to be set free again. Waiting for the opportunity to step forth and become the lead actor in this play called my life. My friends, the salt of the earth and the keepers of my smile, knew all along that she was still there, and yet they patiently await her return.
I am committed to return her to me and to you. I realize that I have not been the person that I want to be, and I desperately want that woman back. Only I can coax her back into existence. So, I am putting a smile on my face, laughter in my heart and words of joy on my lips. She is coming back, hold on to your hats!
Cancer takes me into this terrible dismal place where there is no joy, no laughter, no sound at all. It is not only the silence that surrounds me, but it is the total absence of light. Not even a pinprick in the distance. Absolute utter darkness. All that is good and right and joyful has been sucked out of the room leaving me in a place I no longer recognize as home with a person I no longer recognize as me. I looked at myself and realized that I don’t know that person looking back at me in the mirror. The person that I know is loud and gregarious and loves to talk and visit with her friends for hours on end. The woman that stares back at me is solemn and serious, preferring to remain alone in a solitary existence. She is tired and irritable, short tempered and sad, and yet her friends still loved her and support her, lifting her up, knowing that person that they love is still inside there somewhere, trapped in the bleak underpinnings of cancer.
My friends remember the person that I was before the cancer took it toll on not only my body, but my mind, my life, my essence as a woman, and they love me in spite of the person that I have become. They are kind enough to not ask where she is, or when she’ll be back, but soldier on with me secure in the knowledge that she is in there somewhere, lost and lonely, screaming to come back to her life. I realize how much I miss that woman, that girl, that smiling, laughing, loud mouthed, talk-incessantly without stopping person. I realize how much I want her back. And I look into the eyes of my friends, and I see her reflected back at me and know that she is still here; she is just trapped in the shadows of the disease and imprisoned in a jail of hopelessness and despair.
So I reach deep inside, beyond the darkness, the silence, the desolation and isolation and I see her. She is not lost, she is there, simply waiting to be set free again. Waiting for the opportunity to step forth and become the lead actor in this play called my life. My friends, the salt of the earth and the keepers of my smile, knew all along that she was still there, and yet they patiently await her return.
I am committed to return her to me and to you. I realize that I have not been the person that I want to be, and I desperately want that woman back. Only I can coax her back into existence. So, I am putting a smile on my face, laughter in my heart and words of joy on my lips. She is coming back, hold on to your hats!
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