Christmas is Coming!

I received the coolest present last night. One of my friends got me a fluffy robe and had it embroidered with a pink ribbon on the front that says "find the cure" and a pink pair of boxing gloves on the back with the words "I'm a Fighter". It touched my heart and brought a huge smile to my face. I love it, not only is is comfy but so appropriate. So thank you thank you Angela. I will treasure this always and wear it proud, as a fighter.

I've been feeling pretty puny this week and am on a new medication that is supposed to stimulate my appetite. Its oral and tastes horrible, but if it works, I guess it will be worth it. I lost more weight again and they are really worried about me getting enough nutrition to keep up the fight. I bought some protein shakes to take as a supplement when I can't eat so maybe that will help too. I weigh myself every day and keep seeing the number go down, so I hope to have it start going up again. Goodness knows I don't want to get fat again, but I do need to stabilize my weight. I'm trying!

I wrote mom and dad an email last night, but I haven't heard back. They get to use the computers for free because of their platinum status on Princess Cruises so I figure I'll hear back today or tomorrow. I assured them that their puppy was doing fine, had given up her hunger strike and is eating again. Peyton is doing good staying there, I know she misses her home, her own bed, but only two more nights.

Peyton's wisdom teeth have started coming in...ack! They are really bothering her and I made an appointment with the oral surgeon but the earliest appointment is Dec. 28th with surgery on Dec. 31st. So she won't have a very good New Years Eve, but we need it as soon as possible so she doesn't have to miss too much school or work. She is on the cancellation list to get in earlier, if possible, next week would be ideal, then she'd have plenty of time to heal before school starts. So, I told Mike I will probably be taking care of a post-op patient for New Years Eve. Too much fun! She doesn't handle pain medicine well, they can make her real nauseas, so we are going to have a good talk with the oral surgeon on what he is prescribing so we can keep her as comfortable as possible. I hate that she has to go through this, getting your wisdom teeth out are miserable, but necessary.

I have few more small things to buy and Santa needs to work on stockings. I need more little stuff to put in their stockings but not spend too much, and I can spend alot on stockings! So I'm going to write a good list and stick to it, hoping I can keep the cost down.

Hope your holiday season is joyous and calm and not full of stress and tension. Calm down and enjoy, enjoy the treats, the company of your friends and family, and the sheer joy of the season. Take the time to visit and share with your friends and family and don't forget to tell them how much you love them and what they mean to you.

Round 6

Well round 6 dose 1 is in. This is my last scheduled dose. I have dose 2 on Dec. 27 and then my CT and MRI on Jan. 7 and then another dose of chemo tentatively scheduled for Jan. 10th. I'll see Dr. Rado, see how my scans are and make the decision whether to continue chemo or take a break. Alot will depend on the status of the brain tumor, has it grown, has it shrunk, has it remained the same. I really have no sense as to what the tumor is doing. I still have problems with headaches and numbness and balance on my right side. To me, that means the tumor is still there. I have not gotten worse, so that feels good. I feel like if it had grown, my symptoms would be worsening, not staying the same. Of course there is the rest of my body we have to check too, hopefully it has not spread anywhere else in my body. I am praying that the rest of my body continues to stay clear of disease. So keep the prayers coming.

I felt pretty crummy yesterday. All I wanted was the day to be over so I could go to bed and wake up today and feel better. So far today, I'm okay. I have a PT appointment this morning to work on the swelling in my arm which will be nice. I always feel better when my swelling is down. But then I'll get my shot of neupogen which always knock me on my butt.

Mom and dad are still on their cruise, hopefully having a great time and not worrying too much about me or their dog. Or maybe I should put Lucy first. They worry about her terribly when they are gone! But Peyton is taking great care of her, walking her and the other puppies everyday. I miss having Peyton here, its quiet with her gone, she'll be home on Saturday night and things will get back to normal. I miss my parents when they are gone. They are such an integral part of every day so when they are gone there is an emptiness to my days, something is just missing. My house is quiet without my family around.

Almost done with Christmas. I have a few cards left to do and a few small presents left to buy, but most is done and I have even wrapped a good portion of them. I just have to decorate the presents and get them under the tree. The tree is beautiful, its just missing presents! I am hoping to feel good enough today to get something done, I wasn't able to do much of anything yesterday. I am trying a new drug to help my appetite. I lost another 6 pounds and I really need to stop losing weight. Its a liquid that I drink every day and tastes nasty, but if it works, its worth it.

All for now, off to PT. Have a wonderful day enjoying the glimpses of sunshine out there!

Party was Great

I was honored to attend the Kadlec Christmas party last night and I had to say it was awesome. I felt good since I'm two days from my next chemo and got to hug and visit with so many of my friends, tell them how much they mean to me and how much I love them. I hope I took every chance to let my friends know they are loved and that they are an important part of my life. Because they are so important to me. I hope that things go well with my treatment and within the next year I am an integral part of that family again. Kadlec, not only a higher level of care, but a higher level of employer, one I hope to be a part of for many years to come. Thank you to Kristen for inviting me to join her, it was an honor to sit with the folks from HR, what a great group you are. We were right next to the admin table so I got to spend some time with them too and hear a bit of chatter about what is going on in my former department.

I am going to the Nutcracker this afternoon. My friend, Sherri, her little boy, Noah, is in the party scene and I promised I would go see him perform. I am looking forward to seeing the show, I didn't get to go last year, that darn hospital stay last Christmas season took away alot of my holiday activities. I am bringing kleenex, because I know I will cry. I always do, remembering Peyton up there dancing so beautifully, before her injury forced her to give up her dream of dancing. She was going to go too, but she got sick this morning, and has been throwing up today. She doesn't feel like going nor does she want to expose me to the stomach flu, especially with chemo tomorrow. That would be the last thing I need! I am just sorry that she is sick. But she is at the gparents taking care of Lucy and she and puppy can just lay together on the couch today and rest. I miss having her here. The house just seems empty without her energy.

I am enjoying my new recliner more than I can say. I had no idea a Lazyboy would be so comfortable. I just sink down into it and relax, enjoying my holiday decorations, the lights of the tree, surrounded by the beauty of the season.

Chemo tomorrow, dose 6. We will get the CT and MRI scheduled and will know a little bit more about the path forward. I am praying it is clear so I can start getting my health back and get moving back into my regular life. Its there, waiting for me, I'm ready to dive in!

Christmas Preparation

Well mom and dad are off on their cruise to Mexico for the next seven days. Mom called from Los Angeles last night and they will set sail at 4pm today. Their first port of call is Puerto Vallarta so for the next few days they will sit on their penthouse patio, yes, they got upgraded to a penthouse, and enjoy the vista of the beautiful pacific ocean going by them. How wonderful will that be! They have been on so many cruises that they enjoy the relaxation of it all, the service, the food. I am glad they get to do this to celebrate their 52 anniversary. What an accomplishment that is in this society. Not only have they been married for more than half a century, but they continue to enjoy each others company and spend most all their time together. We could all be so lucky to be so in love after 50 years. I am so proud of them. I know I'll never have that kind of relationship approaching my 50's but I pray for it for my children, that they will find a soul mate to marry, are able to make it through all the trials of marriage and growing old together. Its such a beautiful thing.


Peyton is taking care of Lucy who has a very hard time when her parents leave town, especially her mommy. She cries when she leaves and then mopes around the house, not playing, not eating, just waiting for them to come back. My parents have a hard time leaving her but I'm glad they have Peyton to trust to take care of Lucy. She does a great job loving her and taking care of her, staying at my parents house so she can have a familiar environment while she mourns the departure of her parents. Our dogs are just so spoiled.

We got the Christmas tree up on Thursday night before my parents left and had the whole family together putting up the ornaments and enjoying the company of each other and the memories that each ornament brings. I love how my grandson grouped ornaments, all the M&Ms and Energizer Bunnies hanging together, and the majority of ornaments on the bottom 2/3 of the tree because thats where he could reach. Now I sit in my new comfortable Lazyboy and turn off all the lights except for the tree and just rest and think. Beautiful memories of Christmas past come rushing behind my eyes, some bringing smiles, some moving me to tears, but all warming my heart with a special joy. This is the best part, the prep for the holiday, the spending the time together, the music and movies, the decorations that each tell a story of their own.

My favorite movie is "Its a Wonderful Life" and I could watch it every night. The story of hope beyond great loss is an important moral. We could lose everything, but if we have each other, we have all we need. So as you are rushing around this holiday season, remember the people that you love and give thanks to God that they are in your life. Treasure the moments you spend with them and let them know how important they are to you and don't forget to tell them you love them. We can never say those words enough. So to all of you...thanks for being in my life; I love you.

Tough Day

I am ending the year with a bang. I backed into a van in a parking lot yesterday. I don't know where she came from, I am always scared to back into something or someone, so I try to be real careful, but all of the sudden I hear the crush of metal. What an awful sound. I look over and I am against the rear panel of a 70's era econovan. I got out and although I couldn't see any damage to her vehicle (that good ole 70's solid steel construction), mine had definately seen better days. So we pull back into the parking spots to exchange information and I just lost it. The tears started streaming down my face. It was just one more thing on my already overflowing plate that just set me over the edge. I felt sorry for the lady, it was my fault, and she is rubbing my arm asking me if I am oky. I was honest, no, I wasn't okay, I just want to get out of 2011. She was so kind, hugged me and told me she would pray for me. I tried to pull it together unsuccessfully and tears streamed down my face as I wrote down all my information and thought about an insurance claim and what if they cancel me? I can't afford for my insurance rates to go up.

So we finished our business, she had my information, I had hers and although I could see no visible damage on her vehicle, there was definite damage to mine. So I headed over to State Farm to file a claim. Still crying I entered the door of the agency. She handed over the box of kleenex and asked if I was okay. I nodded my assent and began the diatribe of details related to the incident as she entered it into the computer. I told her I doubted there was damage to the van, but just in case, she seemed like the type that would turn it in. She wanted the call the cops, but with it being private parking and all, the cops wouldn't come anyway. Thank God. I really don't need a ticket on top of everything else.

So I left the agency and went straight to my parents. When the going gets tough, the tough go cry on their mother's shoulder and ask their dad to fix their car. Just by serendipity, Mike showed up and while I sobbed in my mothers arms he and my dad they fixed most of the damage, and determined the rest could probably be done relatively cheaply. So, if there was no damage to the van, and I don't turn in my car, no claim, no increase in rates, no worry about cancellation. So I calmed down and finally headed home to drop whatever residual tears were left. Once home I called the lady with the van and asked if she looked further and noticed any damage. She said no, but wanted her husband to look at it. I asked her if there was damage, if I could pay for it rather than go through insurance. She was more than amenable to keeping insurance out of it. I was so relieved. So I called State Farm and again serendipity interrupted and the claim didn't transmit, it errored out when she sent it. So there was no claim. So from the initial shock to a few hours later, the outlook was much better. I had cried all the tears I needed, it was time for a nap.

So I dozed on the couch, Mike was scheduled to come over a 3pm so we could go select a tree for my tree trimming family get together tonight. The next thing I know my mother is coming in the front door with a big balloon and my dad and Mike behind her with a large recliner! They had bought me a Lazyboy for Christmas and it just so happened it was delivered yesterday, when I needed a cheering up the most. We set it up where my old rocker was and I sank into its delicious fabric, leaned back and felt the relaxation take over my body. It was awesome. So I got my present early, since there was no where to really hide it, not to mention, I really needed a boost.

So while it could have been much worse, it turned out okay even though I still have a dent in my rear bumper. I haven't heard from the other driver, she said she'd let me know if they found any damage, so maybe I'm going to get lucky. In the meantime, I'll relax in my new recliner and pray January 1st comes soon and 2011 turns into a better year. Next year just has to be better than this year! (Knock on wood!)

Loss of a Brave Woman

Elizabeth Edwards lost her battle with breast cancer last night. I don't even know her, but for some reason this news was like a blow to the heart. How could she lose this battle? She was an idol for people fighting this disease. Her strength and fortitude, her grace in the heat of battle. I was certain she would outlive me and suddenly, she is gone, leaving such a young family. It is so very sad. She wished to be remembered for her life, not her death, so to honor her wishes I will remember the words I heard from her in interviews and public appearances; words of wisdom and encouragement for those with and without cancer. She was a beautiful and honorable woman, and for that she will be remembered.

I don't know why this hit me this hard, maybe its because our battle has lasted about the same amount of time. We were diagnosed around the same time and both went into remission and then it came back. They could never get it under control again, and that feels like me, like we can't get mine under control. We keep treating but it doesn't go away, it lingers on continuing to make its presence known in my life. Its vengeance never far from my mind, constantly reminding me to stay on my toes, keep fighting, but most of all to keep living. Because when my time comes, I want to be remembered for the joy and the laughter not for the cancer. I want to leave behind a positive legacy and a knowledge and love can conquer any foe because love lingers on long after our body is released from this place.

So focus on the good and don't dwell on the bad. Look at challenges as opportunities to overcome, as ways to make a difference in this world. And I pray that through this challenge I will be a beacon of light and a model of love and hope in this sometimes dreary world.

Holiday Joy

Well I have been pretty sick all week. My stomach just can't seem to balance itself with this mixture of chemotherapy. I have lost a lot of weight and now weigh less than I did when this whole thing started. They did give me some pills that take away the nausea and give me an appetite but I the side effects leave me unable to function. I am totally wiped out and don't do anything but just lay and doze or watch TV. So, although I can eat, I can't function and I can't accept that side effect. When I see the doctor next week I'm going to ask if there is anything else we can try. I want to keep my wits about me during this treatment. I am tired enough, I don't need drugs that wipe me out too.

I am moving into feeling better this week and should be able to really enjoy the party this weekend. I bought new dress, which is fabulous and I am so excited to see my Kadlec family. I hope to be able to stay up a little later than normal to allow me to stay and visit and maybe dance for a little while! That would be so fun! I plan on being there right at 6 so I can spend as much time as I can visiting with my friends. Mike has taken his suit out of its dust cover and will be as handsome as a movie star! What a pair we will be. Both bald and dressed to the hilt.

Mike got my lights up this week and the house looks great. I am so excited! I love seeing the glow of the lights turning my home into a gingerbread house perfect for the holidays. I have almost completed my Christmas shopping and spent a few hours yesterday wrapping presents. We are putting up the tree on Thursday. My parents are leaving for a 7-day Mexican cruise on Friday so we want to get it up before they leave. Putting up the tree is a big deal for me. I have ornaments that go back to my childhood. I don't have the trendy matching "pretty" tree; I have an eclectic tree with decorations made by my children over the years and special treats from friends and family. Each one has a story and as we hang them up those memories come rushing back, bringing a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart that is unmatched.

Peyton and I are going to hit the mall today and finish up some last few items. I'm sending my packages out today and picking up my cards from Costco. Those should go out in a few days. Not working gives alot more time to prepare for the holidays! I am never this far ahead. Truth be told...I'd still rather be working, but take advantage of the time I have. I am going to enjoy every moment of this holiday season, who knows when it might be my last, I want to make it as perfect as possible.

Happy holidays. Slow down and enjoy every moment, this is a special time of year, a time for forgiveness and redemption, a time for family and friends, and time to laugh and smile, a time to be joyous and enjoy all the little things in life. Our savior is born, born to redeem us all!