Another pair of fabulous shoes.

I wore fabulous shoes. I neglected to include that yesterday. Thanks to Amy at work I wore amazing shoes to chemo which will bring me lots of luck. I have worn fabulous shoes to every single chemo treatment, all 12 of them. But the last ones, well, they were pretty outrageous! Platform, bedazzeled, bejeweled, sequined, outrageous shoes! Did I look incredible? Of course! Did everyone love them? Oh yeah! No matter what they may do to me over there with that slightly toxic remedy, I will look marvelous while they do it. I will wear my fabulous shoes; bring my best purse and dress up for the occasion. For an occasion it is. It is a fight, and always bring your best shoes to a fight. Don’t let em know you’re scared and really want to run! Besides, you can’t run in platform shoes, you have to stay and fight. It’s a little insurance. :-)

The concert was excellent last night and the singers and bands amazing. I have to say that Todd Agnew blew me away. His songs, his messages, his very presence in that church filled me to overflowing. He talked about how we can run from God, but we can’t hide. God knows everything. He knows where we are and what we are thinking and feeling. And he cares about those feelings. And when Todd sang Grace Like Rain, it brought me to tears. It was beautiful. “Halleluiah, grace like rain falls down on me. Halleluiah, all my stains are washed away, they’re washed away.” God is there in the blackness, God is there is the light. His grace is abundant and fills your cup until it spills over. Bathe in his grace, let it wash over you and fill you completely. His grace is sufficient to get you through all trials, all tribulations, all times of sorrow and darkness. Halleluiah, grace like rain. I needed to hear the message last night and I needed to be washed in the Word of God and bask in His presence. I am so tired, tired of the cancer, tired of being sick. I am sad over my son and I worry about my daughter. I needed to be reminded that there is someone bigger than me that will bring me through. He will carry me through this trial, and the next and the one after that. For in this world there will be trials and sorrow, but someday I will go home and the sorrow will be left behind. I look forward to that day (but hope it’s a long long long way away) when I will be in the presence of God. Fall to the ground and just weep at His glory. When the sadness and tears will be left behind, replaced only with joy.

Two more days to my CT scan. Its gonna be clear clear clear clear clear.

Friday's News

Somedays I feel like its just another day at the salt mines. Another day in the dark underground, working hard, wondering when you are going to get to see the light again. I just want so much for this battle to be over, for this war to be done, that I sometimes have a hard time seeing the light. I had my last regularly scheduled chemo yesterday, I do have another round for good measure no matter what the outcome, but this is the last regular one. And now I wait. I wait for the CT and I wonder how it will turn out. I wonder if I will get the “all clear” that I so desperately desire. I hear of people battling cancer for 2, 5, 10 years and I ponder, how do they do it? How do they keep a positive attitude and keep battling every day? It is so exhausting. How do they keep the blues away and the despair and irritation from creeping in? I hope I don’t have to find out. I really just want to be done with this. I want my life back. I want my energy back. I want to be able to work and play and exercise and go out and have fun and spend time with my grandson even if he has a cold. I want to be able to work in my yard or climb my stairs without getting winded. I want to be Patty again.

So today is a recovery day. I will rest and relax and try to let the chemicals work their way through the cancer, killing every last nasty cell. Mike is kind enough to take me to a concert tonight at Calvary Chapel; Building 429 and Todd Agnew. I can’t wait. Building 429 has a song call Always that is simply amazing. The chorus goes like this:

I believe always, always, the Saviour never fails.
Even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain,
And His promise remains,
And He will be with us always.

Among other great songs, this is the one that I go to hear. To raise my hands and hear the words of validation that no matter what, God is there, and He knows my pain, He knows my sorrow and He is walking with me Always.

Saturday is Halloween and I am planning on attending the Don and Lori Watts Pediatrics Center Costume Party in the afternoon with my grandson and then staying home to hand out candy. I have never been home in this house on Halloween, but know that I will go through hundreds of pieces of candy. I have seen the number of kids in this neighborhood on Halloween! Its amazing! I am actually looking forward to it. Mike will be in Walla Walla all day doing soccer and will come by after to hang out with me.

Sunday I think is work day in my yard. The leaves are out of control, the gutters are full of leaves and its time to get it cleaned up. So my parents, Mike and I will do what we can to get it done. If you are up for a clean up day in Patty’s yard, come on by around 10-11 on Sunday, we’ll put you to work. Monte Ingersoll is having a concert Sunday night at Art Fuller Auditorium (if you have never heard Monte Ingersoll, pastor of The Living Room sing, it is totally worth it to go see him) and if I’m up to it, I’d love to go to that concert too. He is an amazing Godly man and a fantastic performer. So if you have nothing to do on Sunday night, I think the tickets are $12.

God willing, I’ll get to do all the planned activities this weekend. And if it turns out I can’t, well, I’ll rest up and get ready for Monday. My CT is at 1pm, I should know shortly thereafter the results of the CT. Our plan is to go see Dr. Iuliano when we are done to have a look at it, like I’ve said before; it’s nice to know your radiologist.

That’s my weekend. Pray for clear clear clear clear clear.

Love and inspiration.

Where do you find inspiration?

Love inspires me. The love of a dog for its master, a mother for her child, a woman for her lover, a child for their parent, a grandparent for their grandchild, a friend for a friend. Love has so many faces and wears so many hats. The face of love is sometimes tranquil and sometimes filled with passion but always carries with it a sense of peace and belonging. Love cannot carry a grudge, it does not know how, for it overcomes our petty transgressions and replaces them with a tenderness we did not know we had. Love does not resent other love, but links arms with it and marches forward creating a larger deeper love than was there before. Love never regrets, for it knows that it can conquer all through its prowess, fill all gaps and longings with its overwhelming sense of knowing. Love never apologizes for who it is and what it is meant to do. For love is love. It is pure and simple. It is not polite. It barges right in when it knows that its best interests would be served by being in charge. Taking over a situation and infusing it with a kindness and warmth that would otherwise be lost. Love keeps us patient when tempers want to flare and keeps us still when anger threatens to explode.

Love also has a darker side. For it knows when tenderness is not enough and our thoughts of reason are lost. That is when love puts on its armour and prepares for battle. For love knows that sometimes its must be strong enough to make the hard decisions. Love knows when it must guide you down a path that you may not want to walk, but loves source will carry you through. Love is not weak, it is durable and resilient, and it will hold you up through the rough waters, protecting your heart from irreparable harm, shielding your spirit and guarding your soul. For it is in the darkest of time when love wells up from deep within you and fills you with a sense of peace, knowing that the face of love is directing your actions. Though on the surface they may seem unkind, underneath it is love that you know makes you strong and sometimes, love must say “no”, even when it is painful to speak. Love is not only strong, it is tough, and it carries within it a voice of reason, seeking only to do what it right, even in the face of all that is lost. So, let it guide you. Let love be your guide. Let it be your inspiration. Let it carry you through when all hope seems lost. For in love we find our solace.

I have such a deep love for so many people and so many things. Sometimes my heart would threaten to explode for its fullness for the more I give, the more I receive and I am filled to overflowing, but the capacity for love keeps growing. Love is like that…you give it and it keeps coming back, like a boomerang, only it comes back bigger and stronger and more filled until it is spilling over everywhere, running down the sides of your heart and infusing everything it is path with its enthusiasm for life and living.

So love is what will get me through this trial. I saw my son yesterday and it is love that got me through the visit with him and it is love that will carry me through the tough decisions that I will have to make in order to see him through this ordeal. It is out of my hands now and I have a sense of peace of what I must do. It is time for me to step away and let the consequences of his actions carry him to his destiny. For he has made the choices that have brought him to where he is and his choices will carry him through to his next destination. It is not up to me to help him or recue him, for it is time for him to stand on his own two feet and face the world on his own. Its hard for a parent to let go under normal circumstances, but to let go when a child is facing so much trouble, well that can only be done by a monumental act of love. So I will continue to love him, always, but its time to let the future unfold before me.

I have my last regularly scheduled chemo today. So, this is the plan. Chemo today. Kick butt, fight, get every last vestige of cancer left. Monday I have my CT. This is a huge deal. This is THE CT of the treatment, the big kahuna, the most important one. PRAY FOR CLEAR! If the CT is CLEAR, then I will do one more round of chemo for “good measure” (three weeks) and then be done. However…if it is only “relatively clear” then I will do one more round for good measure and “take a break from chemo for awhile.” I do not know how long that break would be, it would depend on how “relatively clear” my CT was. Of course, if it is not clear at all…well then all bets are off and I do not know what the next steps are, those would have to be determined at that time. But I know that is not going to happen. Because we are praying for CLEAR. Not “relatively clear” but CLEAR.

CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR.

Did you get the prayer message? In case you didn’t, its CLEAR.

Okay, go out there my loving and faithful prayer warriors who fill me to capacity with their love and devotion.

Pray for CLEAR.

Tuesday Update

Although this dose has been difficult, I am starting to come through and feel better. I have to say that I had an excellent sleep last night, the best I have had in a long time. When my alarm went off, I was sound asleep and normally I’m awake by the time the alarm goes off in the morning. So that was a treat, but SO annoying, I wanted to sleep and sleep!! My energy level is coming back, so I figure it must be about time for another dose of chemo. I am scheduled for dose two of this round on Thursday and don’t think I’ll have any problem keeping my levels up to get that dose. I better not get TOO confident and jinx it, but I’m feeling pretty certain about this round. I just know its going to go well and lead to a positive CT on Monday.

I was honored to attend a wedding this evening. Jeremy and Kiwon (Mike’s son and girlfriend) got married tonight in a TeePee (she is Indian) out at her Uncle Joe’s house on Clodfelter Road. It was a special ceremony and very much fit the personality of who they are and how they live. It was followed by a wonderful dinner at their house with great food, fun and family. What an honor and a blessing to get to spend such special moments with the people that I care about. As I stood there, holding the hand of the love of my life, watching his son get married, it filled a sacred place in my heart and warmed my soul.

Yeah, I admit it. I’m a sap. Nothing I like more than a love story with a happy ending. Just wait, my happy ending is out there just waiting for me!

Thoughts during the night

Sometimes the pain will wake me right up in the middle of the night. The incredible ache that courses through the muscles and terrorizes my joints. It wakes me from a dead sleep to wield its awful sword. So I take my medication and I wait, and hope it will disappear soon, that the awful hurt will subside and leave in its wake solace and peace.

But in those waking moments the thoughts of the mind kick in and I wonder what the future holds and when this battle will be won. I pray fervently that it will be over soon, but know in my heart there are more battles to be waged. I feel the swelling of my face against my arms and wonder if the face that looks at me in the mirror will ever be mine again or if that round moon face is permanently etched forever. I question the wisdom of the doctors and speculate the outcomes of the tests. Do I want to know what the tests have to say or would I prefer to stay blissfully unaware? I marvel at my own ability to keep persevering even when I want to give up, but sometimes doubt my own power to continue the journey. But know I must keep fighting.

I worry about my son and wonder, where does someone lose their conscience? Where does the conscience come from? Is it a product of our heavenly Father or is it something that is deep within our souls that we either have or we don’t? Can we lose our conscience? Is it something that can be diluted by abuse or erased by addictions? How can a person make the choices that they do when they know how hurtful they will be to others? Where is their conscience? Where is their soul? Do they not look into the face of their child and wonder, “what will my actions do to the soul of that boy?” Maybe that is the root of the issue…they do not look into the face of others and see the pain and torment that they are causing because they can only see the twisted burning of their own souls. The demons that tear within them; gnashing their teeth against their spirit and dripping their poison into their minds. And they cannot see the light. They cannot see the brightness of God. They are lost in the blackness of their days and the anguish of their addictions. So, all that is left is to pray that God can raise them out of the darkness. There is so little mere mortals can do except lift them up to their Father and pray for their release from all that haunts them, for the suffering to be vanquished.

And so I pray. Passionately for my son’s soul. For him to be cleansed, for him to be freed from the chains that bind him. For his conscience to be restored, for his additions to be broken, for the demons to be cast out. It is out of my hands now. Safely in the hands of the Father. But my heart still grieves with the hearts of many mothers who walk next to me, praying for the souls of their lost children.

The pain is subsiding and the alarm is soon to be going off and it will be time to embark on my day, one more day in the battlefields one more day in the war. Come. Walk with me. Together, we're making it through.

Sunday.

Hope must spring eternal, even in the fall when all looks bleak and dying, hope must still be alive. Because hope is what keeps me going. Hope for healing, hope for a cure, hope for my son, hope for a better day. Hope. Four little letters, huge implications in my life.

As I start my day with my dogs at my side, begging for treats, of course, and a fire in the fireplace, I realize how beautiful my life is, I ache for the things that grieve me and rejoice in the wonderful things that abound. I know that some people will judge me by the actions of my son, and for those people, well I am sorry for you. For God not only commands us not to judge each other (is it not “he without sin may cast the first stone”) we are all God’s children and do you judge God for the waywardness of His own children? Does it not grieve Him greatly to watch all of us go astray in one way or another? Has He not done all He can for us, just as parents we do all we can with our children? But still, they turn into adults and live their own lives apart from our lives, our dreams, our hopes, our own values? And we help them all we are able; we provide the best assistance and direction that we know how, but they are their own person and make their own choices. Do not judge the parent for the child, no more than you would judge the child for the parent. Grieve for the loss and pray for the future. That is all we can do. People like my son are not unredeemable, they are simply lost.

I keep plowing ahead and look forward to my day. My grandson and Elena are coming over for lunch and a concert this afternoon. Battelle is sponsoring a children’s concert, woodwinds and flutes, and we are going to take Jessie. I think he’ll enjoy it, he loves music, and if he doesn’t, oh well, we will leave. I don’t know if I’ll see Jessie as much now with Houston no longer living here, so I will have to work harder to make a conscious effort to make dates with him and make sure he stays in my life. I am lucky to have a great relationship with Elena and know that she will always let us be a part of that beautiful little boy’s days. I hope she moves on, both she and my grandson deserve so much better than my son is willing or able to give.

As for my health, I am weak and tired and can definitely feel the affects of the chemo. I was up and down a lot last night, which is typical for the first few nights after chemo, and awoke early with some severe stomach pains, quickly alleviated by some Zophran. My body and joints ache, but not as bad as they will in another week, I’m at the beginning of the cycle so the affects aren’t quite as bad as they will be a week from now after another dose. My job now is to keep my counts up so I can have that next dose. I have tried to be very wise and not do too much and rest a lot, eat well, do my walking and yoga. I bought groceries yesterday with lots of high iron, high protein foods. This next round is critical with my CT scan only over a week away.

I must also keep healthy for an upcoming trip to San Diego. There is a business trip with the board every year and this year we are going to the Hotel del Coronado, which is one of my favorite places in the world. In January, my family was going to do a cruise, but with the uncertainty of my health and my lack of vacation time by January (it will be gone) we decided not to go. Instead, my mother and daughter will be accompanying me to San Diego; we are going down one day early to see my aunt and tourist about a bit and enjoy each other’s company. I am excited for the trip but concerned about my health holding up. I am fully aware that if this round is as hard on me as the last, I may not be up for the trip. So it has become doubly important that I stay healthy, I want this time with the two most important women in my life, my mother and my daughter.

Keep me in your prayers, as well as my family. For as hard as it is to go through all this personally, I know my parents heart breaks for their grandson and worries for their daughter and my daughter misses her brother and is frightened for her mom. May God comfort them and give them the peace that passes all understanding.

The "going's on" in the Taylor household.

I hesitate whether to write about the “goings on” at the Taylor household, but have decided that I set this blog up to share about my journey and I have worked to be honest with what I was thinking and feeling, so honestly is what I am going to continue to provide. Some of you know that my son has had some trouble with the law in the last 18 months and he has been in and out of jail. My parents and I retained an attorney to help him and for the most part he seemed to be doing well, staying out of trouble, complying with the requirements of the court. All that came crashing down yesterday when two US Marshalls and two Sheriff’s Deputies showed up at my house to arrest my son for Failure to Appear. You see, my son has struggled with drug problems, and his cases were put into drug court, but he chose not to comply with the requirements of the court. He was not here when the police came, he had left shortly before, but my house was searched and I had a nice talk with the police about the situation. They did eventually catch up with him yesterday and he is safely ensconced in our county jail as we speak. At first I think, embarrassing, humiliating, oh my gosh, my son is in jail. But then I think some more and I just realize, how sad. How very very heartbreaking. And when I share what is happening I find there are so many people out there with troubled children or siblings, some in jail, some not, but many making bad choices. And it breaks our hearts. I think this may be one of those blessings in disguise. Maybe he’ll finally accept the consequences of his actions and find the help he needs. Maybe he’ll be able to dig down deep within himself and find the strength within him to battle his demons. By sharing, I hope to release my own inner feelings of failure towards my son and perhaps also I can release the stigma of a troubled child, knowing in my heart, I did the best I could with what I had. And if you are the parent of a troubled child, know you did the best you could too.

I think when we are born our lives are set in motion and there is this path that we are going to walk. We may find a few places where we can change our destiny, but who we are and what we are going to be is so ingrained in us, that there is not a lot anyone can do to change the essence of who we were meant to be. I think of all I did to try to help my son and nothing helped, he is who he is and only he can change himself. I cannot do anything to change what he has decided to do with his life. And when you throw alcohol or drugs into a situation, anything can happen and that person becomes even more lost than before. So, now I pray and I sit back and wait and I wonder what will become of him, but know in my heart that it is out of my hands and he is in the hands of God. I was told yesterday that God has no grandchildren, my son is His son, and it grieves Him too to have him in this awful blackness. So, it is time for me to let go and let my son fall into the void of his own making. His choices put him there, only his own choices and actions can release him. And, truth be told, I know parents who don’t even know where their kids are, living on the street, at least I know where he is, that he is relatively safe with a roof over his head and has the possibility of changing his life, if he so chooses. And if he does not, then that is his choice, not mine. I did the best I could with the tools I had.

But Elena (Jessie’s mama) I am so proud of her and she takes such good care of my grandson. At 22 and less than a year on her job at Bank of the West, she has been promoted to Assistant Manager. I see her as a shining star, making positive choices, taking great care of Jessie and providing him with the future that my son cannot and may never provide. I see a lot of me in her, raising my own small children with a husband who provided no assistance, financial or otherwise. I support her and know that she will succeed and pray for the strength to see her through. Single parenting is no picnic. However, she has come through so much in her short life and pulled herself out of the blackness with her own grit and fortitude and she is a strong and beautiful woman. Jessie is lucky to have her as his mama.

As far as me, well, sometimes I cry, sometimes I pray, sometimes I just sit and stare at the place my son used to sleep. And I see him in my minds eye as that little boy, so full of promise or as that adolescent, so full of dreams. And I wonder, where did he go and will we ever find him again. And as much as my heart grieves, I know he is in the place he is supposed to be right now. This is the path he has chosen and this is the journey he will walk. I will love him, always, but in my heart I will have to find a way to let go and give him back to his Father, where he belongs. I have done all I can do.

I have heard from family and friends, how can my soon do this to me with all I am going through. But the truth be told, this is not personal, he is not doing this to me or anyone else. He is doing it to himself. I have to find a way to not let it affect my healing, and turn it into another reson to live. I want to live to see him out and free from the demons that haunt him. So the reality is, he probably just gave me another reason to continue to fight this battle.

So I fight. Together with you all by my side. I’ll fight another day.