Expectations.

Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations. Like when we expect the lights to be green when we are running late, or for the incredible shoes on clearance to be our size, or for the line we pick at the bank to be the fastest, or to beat metastatic breast cancer in only four months. Yeah, sometimes our expectations simply aren’t realistic.

So, I guess I thought I was superwoman. Okay, I was certain I was superwoman and that I could jump into treatment for metastatic breast cancer and poof, be done with it after only twelve treatments. The reality is that although miracles happen, and they happen everyday, I may have set my goals and expectations a tad too high in relation to the length of treatment and the chance of a cure. So, I gotta get real. Not too real, because I still expect to be superwoman and beat metastatic breast cancer in record time, but realistic enough to fight without getting my hopes, and yours, too elevated. This is an awful disease. The reality is that only 20% of the woman fighting this disease at this stage will actually survive. I won’t even write what the life expectancy is for my type of cancer, because I think it would promote a defeatist attitude and I am not a defeatist, nor am I a statistic. I refuse to let my life be dictated by numbers. I am a woman, a strong woman at that, and I will not be beat down by the law of averages. Triple negative metastatic breast cancer has not met Patty Taylor until recently, and it has met its match. I shall not be beaten by this insidious disease.

My visit with the doctor was very promising. I am responding very very well to treatment. He is thrilled that the lungs are showing such a remarkable improvement. The plan is to do “one more round for good measure” and then take a 3-4 week break from chemo. Then we will start up again and do another 2-3 rounds and then another CT to see where we are. So, my break is going to be right over the holidays, is that cool or what?! I mean if I’m going to get a break, that is the perfect time!

Then there is the little issue of this bone lesion. It is very small. In fact, if there was no corresponding pain, Dr. Rado would question if it is even a lesion. However, since there is some significant pain associated with the spot, he is ordering a bone scan and we will see if it actually is cancer, and if so, if this is the only spot. If it is cancer, during my break from chemo we will do some localized radiation to kill the bastard. Then be done with it. Adios. Sayonara. Cancer be gone. Sounds like a plan.

My blood work was crap. No way around it. And I was actually feeling quite good! I thought my counts were staying up nicely and that I might make it through this round without a transfusion. No such luck. I am having a transfusion today and my white counts are awful. So, my high protein, high iron diet isn’t doing everything I thought it would, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll have my transfusion and take my daily neupogen shots and then fly out on Friday. I am so excited for my trip to San Diego. It’s going to be a wonderful time with my daughter and mother, just what the doctor ordered. Rest, relaxation, love, family, beach, California. Perfect.

I find myself sitting back and wondering if this is all real. Is this really happening to me? I feel the pain in my back and get short of breath and I think, this can’t be true, it can’t be cancer, it must be something else. I am healthy. I eat right, I exercise, I take my vitamins, I meditate and do all the right “stuff” to stay healthy. I cannot have cancer. Not me. ITS JUST NOT REAL. Then I look at my life from the perspective of the outside looking in and I see me standing there, bloated, balding and sick, and I know its true. All of it. I have cancer, and its not good, and I could die from it. Its so surreal. This is not the life I expected.

But I guess none of us are ever given the life we expected. We set our expectations, and then we have to take what is given to us. That is the reality of it. My reality is that I will be fighting this for a while longer, perhaps a long while. And in the meantime, I will continue to make the best of each day and take the best that life has to offer me. I will set my expectations high, because I don’t know how else to live my life, and my expectation is to beat this cancer. I just need to be in the battle a little while longer.

Good news, bad news.

Well, I didn’t get my all clear. But I did get some good news bad news. The good news is that my lungs look remarkably better. All the lesions that are on my lungs are reducing. They aren’t gone, but they are all getting smaller and some look to be almost gone! So, we are pretty good when it comes to the lungs.

The bad news is that there is a new lesion on my back rib. I have been having a lot of back pain and have attributed it to my kidneys working overtime because of the chemo. Apparently that was incorrect. I have a piece of cancer on my 9th rib in my back. It hurts like the dickens. I have been taking a lot of painkillers and thinking that I really wish my back would stop hurting, I guess now I now know why my back hurts so dang bad. Cancer in your bones really hurts!

So, the battle is not won….YET. I guess it was unrealistic to think that I could battle and win metastatic breast cancer in four months. But that’s okay, miracles happen, and I still plan on being one of them. It just means that I get to be in this war a little while longer. But I know that I do not walk this path alone. I have so many people walking with me. We are an army. And you all make me strong. Together, we will win this war. I have no doubt. Cancer has not met an army like I have, and cancer, you have met your match.

I’ll post again later with a little more and some of my thoughts once I have had a chance to let it all sink in...but wanted to get the information out so everyone knew what was going on.

Love you all,
Patty

Smile.

Just a short post to update you all on the day. Today is my CT, at 1pm. I am nervous, excited, scared, hopeful but most of all surrendered to the outcome. What will be shall be.

This song started in my mind yesterday and I thought it appropriate. Smile. That’s all we can do. If we smile, we can get by. I have always told my daughter that if you smile on the outside, eventually, it will make it down to your heart. So I am smiling and it is working its way to my heart, warming me from the inside out.

Smile – Words by john turner and geoffrey parsons and music by charlie chaplin
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
--

Smile my friends. Just Smile.

:-)

Surrender.

Surrender. What does it mean to truly surrender? Surrender yourself to fate, to life, to the odds, to your destiny, to God Himself.

That is the word that keeps coming up in my head over and over in the last 24 hours. Surrender. Its time to just let it all go. Let go of the fear and the worry. Let go of the anticipation and the angst. Just let it all go and let my destiny play out before me. The outcome of the test tomorrow has already been determined. God knows the answer, He knows how it will end up and there is already a plan in place to deal with that outcome. If the cancer is gone, yippee, skippy, happity doo dah! If it’s not quite gone, well then, I go to Plan B. Life is all about how you handle Plan B anyway, since how rarely does Plan A ever work out? So my Plan A is, of course, clear. However, I am also a realist and know that the odds of getting an all clear with advanced stage cancer is minimal, so I have surrendered myself to whatever the test will say. If I have to go with Plan B, well then that’s what I will do.

What is Plan B? How the heck do I keep on keeping on? Well, I just do. I do one more round for good measure and then I take a little break to get healthy and then I jump back on the merry-go-round and do it again, this time with even more enthusiasm and less cancer to beat. I know it’s less. I know it hasn’t spread. I don’t know why I know that, I just know. I am not positive it is completely gone, but I know it has been minimized and is on its way out.

So I surrender. I let go and let God control my future and let divine providence play out before me. I never had control anyway. The control that I think that I had is such an illusion. I can control my attitude and how I behave in any given situation, but I cannot control the situation and how the future is going to unfold. I can pray and ask and beg, but God has a plan, and He knows what that plan is going to be. That is a bitter pill for someone who likes to be in control of her life like I do. I want to have a plan and have it laid out before me and know what the next step will be, but this experience has shown me that is not possible. I simply have to let go and roll, let the chips fall where they may, and have a positive attitude when its time to pick up the pieces when they land in a scattered mess.

This does not mean that I give up praying. I think God hears our prayers and considers them. Maybe right now He is thinking….and you are praying for me…and that prayer will have Him set me free of the cancer. Well, then, intercede on my behalf, my faithful prayer warriors, ask God to set me free from cancer. I’m ready.

As difficult as it is to surrender my life, how does it feel to completely surrender others to their own destiny and turn their lives over to God? Especially when that person is your child that you have raised and love so deeply? Surrender means “to give up or give back something that was granted.” God granted this child’s life to me to raise. I have done my job. I have raised him and now its time for me to surrender him back to God. The jury is still out on whether I did a good job raising him, but I did the best I could with the tools I had and the rest is up to him. His destiny, his future, is not in my hands and I have no control over the plan for his life. I have stepped back and surrendered him to God, to the legal system which will control his future, to his own devices, attitudes and decisions which will guide his path. I cannot control anything that is going to happen to him anymore. I don’t think I ever could. The reality of the situation is that it is completely, utterly, absolutely out of my hands. Surrender is truly all I can do.

There is freedom in surrender. There is absolution. Like a weight is lifted and the burdens are set free. I can live with whatever comes my way; I am liberated from the chains of control, the weight of worry. The yoke of fear no longer tight around my neck. I am free.

Another pair of fabulous shoes.

I wore fabulous shoes. I neglected to include that yesterday. Thanks to Amy at work I wore amazing shoes to chemo which will bring me lots of luck. I have worn fabulous shoes to every single chemo treatment, all 12 of them. But the last ones, well, they were pretty outrageous! Platform, bedazzeled, bejeweled, sequined, outrageous shoes! Did I look incredible? Of course! Did everyone love them? Oh yeah! No matter what they may do to me over there with that slightly toxic remedy, I will look marvelous while they do it. I will wear my fabulous shoes; bring my best purse and dress up for the occasion. For an occasion it is. It is a fight, and always bring your best shoes to a fight. Don’t let em know you’re scared and really want to run! Besides, you can’t run in platform shoes, you have to stay and fight. It’s a little insurance. :-)

The concert was excellent last night and the singers and bands amazing. I have to say that Todd Agnew blew me away. His songs, his messages, his very presence in that church filled me to overflowing. He talked about how we can run from God, but we can’t hide. God knows everything. He knows where we are and what we are thinking and feeling. And he cares about those feelings. And when Todd sang Grace Like Rain, it brought me to tears. It was beautiful. “Halleluiah, grace like rain falls down on me. Halleluiah, all my stains are washed away, they’re washed away.” God is there in the blackness, God is there is the light. His grace is abundant and fills your cup until it spills over. Bathe in his grace, let it wash over you and fill you completely. His grace is sufficient to get you through all trials, all tribulations, all times of sorrow and darkness. Halleluiah, grace like rain. I needed to hear the message last night and I needed to be washed in the Word of God and bask in His presence. I am so tired, tired of the cancer, tired of being sick. I am sad over my son and I worry about my daughter. I needed to be reminded that there is someone bigger than me that will bring me through. He will carry me through this trial, and the next and the one after that. For in this world there will be trials and sorrow, but someday I will go home and the sorrow will be left behind. I look forward to that day (but hope it’s a long long long way away) when I will be in the presence of God. Fall to the ground and just weep at His glory. When the sadness and tears will be left behind, replaced only with joy.

Two more days to my CT scan. Its gonna be clear clear clear clear clear.

Friday's News

Somedays I feel like its just another day at the salt mines. Another day in the dark underground, working hard, wondering when you are going to get to see the light again. I just want so much for this battle to be over, for this war to be done, that I sometimes have a hard time seeing the light. I had my last regularly scheduled chemo yesterday, I do have another round for good measure no matter what the outcome, but this is the last regular one. And now I wait. I wait for the CT and I wonder how it will turn out. I wonder if I will get the “all clear” that I so desperately desire. I hear of people battling cancer for 2, 5, 10 years and I ponder, how do they do it? How do they keep a positive attitude and keep battling every day? It is so exhausting. How do they keep the blues away and the despair and irritation from creeping in? I hope I don’t have to find out. I really just want to be done with this. I want my life back. I want my energy back. I want to be able to work and play and exercise and go out and have fun and spend time with my grandson even if he has a cold. I want to be able to work in my yard or climb my stairs without getting winded. I want to be Patty again.

So today is a recovery day. I will rest and relax and try to let the chemicals work their way through the cancer, killing every last nasty cell. Mike is kind enough to take me to a concert tonight at Calvary Chapel; Building 429 and Todd Agnew. I can’t wait. Building 429 has a song call Always that is simply amazing. The chorus goes like this:

I believe always, always, the Saviour never fails.
Even when all hope is gone, God knows our pain,
And His promise remains,
And He will be with us always.

Among other great songs, this is the one that I go to hear. To raise my hands and hear the words of validation that no matter what, God is there, and He knows my pain, He knows my sorrow and He is walking with me Always.

Saturday is Halloween and I am planning on attending the Don and Lori Watts Pediatrics Center Costume Party in the afternoon with my grandson and then staying home to hand out candy. I have never been home in this house on Halloween, but know that I will go through hundreds of pieces of candy. I have seen the number of kids in this neighborhood on Halloween! Its amazing! I am actually looking forward to it. Mike will be in Walla Walla all day doing soccer and will come by after to hang out with me.

Sunday I think is work day in my yard. The leaves are out of control, the gutters are full of leaves and its time to get it cleaned up. So my parents, Mike and I will do what we can to get it done. If you are up for a clean up day in Patty’s yard, come on by around 10-11 on Sunday, we’ll put you to work. Monte Ingersoll is having a concert Sunday night at Art Fuller Auditorium (if you have never heard Monte Ingersoll, pastor of The Living Room sing, it is totally worth it to go see him) and if I’m up to it, I’d love to go to that concert too. He is an amazing Godly man and a fantastic performer. So if you have nothing to do on Sunday night, I think the tickets are $12.

God willing, I’ll get to do all the planned activities this weekend. And if it turns out I can’t, well, I’ll rest up and get ready for Monday. My CT is at 1pm, I should know shortly thereafter the results of the CT. Our plan is to go see Dr. Iuliano when we are done to have a look at it, like I’ve said before; it’s nice to know your radiologist.

That’s my weekend. Pray for clear clear clear clear clear.

Love and inspiration.

Where do you find inspiration?

Love inspires me. The love of a dog for its master, a mother for her child, a woman for her lover, a child for their parent, a grandparent for their grandchild, a friend for a friend. Love has so many faces and wears so many hats. The face of love is sometimes tranquil and sometimes filled with passion but always carries with it a sense of peace and belonging. Love cannot carry a grudge, it does not know how, for it overcomes our petty transgressions and replaces them with a tenderness we did not know we had. Love does not resent other love, but links arms with it and marches forward creating a larger deeper love than was there before. Love never regrets, for it knows that it can conquer all through its prowess, fill all gaps and longings with its overwhelming sense of knowing. Love never apologizes for who it is and what it is meant to do. For love is love. It is pure and simple. It is not polite. It barges right in when it knows that its best interests would be served by being in charge. Taking over a situation and infusing it with a kindness and warmth that would otherwise be lost. Love keeps us patient when tempers want to flare and keeps us still when anger threatens to explode.

Love also has a darker side. For it knows when tenderness is not enough and our thoughts of reason are lost. That is when love puts on its armour and prepares for battle. For love knows that sometimes its must be strong enough to make the hard decisions. Love knows when it must guide you down a path that you may not want to walk, but loves source will carry you through. Love is not weak, it is durable and resilient, and it will hold you up through the rough waters, protecting your heart from irreparable harm, shielding your spirit and guarding your soul. For it is in the darkest of time when love wells up from deep within you and fills you with a sense of peace, knowing that the face of love is directing your actions. Though on the surface they may seem unkind, underneath it is love that you know makes you strong and sometimes, love must say “no”, even when it is painful to speak. Love is not only strong, it is tough, and it carries within it a voice of reason, seeking only to do what it right, even in the face of all that is lost. So, let it guide you. Let love be your guide. Let it be your inspiration. Let it carry you through when all hope seems lost. For in love we find our solace.

I have such a deep love for so many people and so many things. Sometimes my heart would threaten to explode for its fullness for the more I give, the more I receive and I am filled to overflowing, but the capacity for love keeps growing. Love is like that…you give it and it keeps coming back, like a boomerang, only it comes back bigger and stronger and more filled until it is spilling over everywhere, running down the sides of your heart and infusing everything it is path with its enthusiasm for life and living.

So love is what will get me through this trial. I saw my son yesterday and it is love that got me through the visit with him and it is love that will carry me through the tough decisions that I will have to make in order to see him through this ordeal. It is out of my hands now and I have a sense of peace of what I must do. It is time for me to step away and let the consequences of his actions carry him to his destiny. For he has made the choices that have brought him to where he is and his choices will carry him through to his next destination. It is not up to me to help him or recue him, for it is time for him to stand on his own two feet and face the world on his own. Its hard for a parent to let go under normal circumstances, but to let go when a child is facing so much trouble, well that can only be done by a monumental act of love. So I will continue to love him, always, but its time to let the future unfold before me.

I have my last regularly scheduled chemo today. So, this is the plan. Chemo today. Kick butt, fight, get every last vestige of cancer left. Monday I have my CT. This is a huge deal. This is THE CT of the treatment, the big kahuna, the most important one. PRAY FOR CLEAR! If the CT is CLEAR, then I will do one more round of chemo for “good measure” (three weeks) and then be done. However…if it is only “relatively clear” then I will do one more round for good measure and “take a break from chemo for awhile.” I do not know how long that break would be, it would depend on how “relatively clear” my CT was. Of course, if it is not clear at all…well then all bets are off and I do not know what the next steps are, those would have to be determined at that time. But I know that is not going to happen. Because we are praying for CLEAR. Not “relatively clear” but CLEAR.

CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR CLEAR.

Did you get the prayer message? In case you didn’t, its CLEAR.

Okay, go out there my loving and faithful prayer warriors who fill me to capacity with their love and devotion.

Pray for CLEAR.