Now we wait.

Well, now I just wait. All my scans are completed and I say my prayers that I hear those two words that I long to hear with all my heart and soul…All Clear.

As you know I had my bone scan last week, I haven’t picked up the results from that scan yet, but I believe that the results will be positive. Today I set my alarm for 8am so that I could start drinking that lovely berry flavored contrast liquid. So from 8-10:30 I prepared for the CT scan that will help decide my future.

Last night was a late night, I got home about 9:30 from work, the meeting went well and I enjoyed being there and seeing everyone. I had blood work yesterday and despite my high white and ANC counts last week, they have fallen drastically and I am neutropenic again, so I had to get a shot of neupogen after I got home. The neupogen really takes its toll on my body and I get so incredibly achy. So in addition to being up late, I had to get a shot and then start with my contrast this morning. I woke up feeling pretty puny and this morning was fairly rough but by this afternoon I had enough medication in me that I started feeling a little bit better.

I plan on working a few hours tomorrow to get ready for the next few weeks off. The last few rounds I planned on taking just the week after chemo off, but the way I have been feeling and the impact that this chemo has on me for many weeks following, I am going to play working the second week after chemo by ear and only go in if I absolutely feel like my body can handle it. Last week I worked two days in a row and ended up sick for three days and that is just not worth it. I’m better off to stay home and get healthy. Especially since this is possibly my last chemo…well…I want to do all I can to start healing!!!

So pray for all clear. That is all I want. Please God, grant me my fervent prayer.

A New Week

So the week begins. I am feeling pretty good, considering everything my body is going through, and am ready to face the next few days with vigor and enthusiasm before I get hit again on Thursday. I woke up this morning and my legs were aching pretty badly; so I took a handful of pills (pain, anti-nausea) and lay in bed for another hour waiting for the pain to subside. I am now up and around, relatively pain free, enjoying a cuppa coffee in front of the fireplace, my every faithful puppy Sophie asleep on my feet. (Yes, remember ON not AT). The sun is shining through my windows and it looks beautiful outside. I am looking forward to taking a walk with my parents and our loyal puppies about 10:30 to further stretch my legs and fill my cancer free lungs with fresh air.

Peyton has already texted me and she is on her way home from Canada, returning from her adventure, with a successful Americans win under their belt. The first series is done, and they came out triumphant with their devoted fans following them all the way to Canada and back. Peyton told me that they ended up with their faces on the Jumbotron, but they looked liked idiots because they weren’t even paying attention to the game at the time. She quickly received texts from Mason’s (her boyfriends) mom and his billet saying that they saw her on TV! Her illustrious Canadian TV debut.

I am going to take it pretty easy today because I am working tonight and I want to make sure to not overdo it and be able to enjoy these next few days. The meeting is at 5:30 and I am not going to go to work until 4pm, the meeting will probably last until 7:30 and then I have to finish the minutes for a meeting tomorrow morning. So I should be home by 9pm. A few more hours than I want to work, but I think I’ll be fine. I’m not going to go in the office tomorrow; I have my CT at 11am, so I’ll be home drinking contrast liquid every hour in preparation for the CT. Oh joy. I want to try to work a few hours on Wednesday, getting stuff ready for my next few weeks off with this next round of chemo.

I am praying this CT comes out clear. They will be looking at everything below my lungs, my liver, kidneys, bladder, etc. and we are praying that there has been no further spreading of the cancer into those areas. I am SO ready to be done with this. I still don’t know if we have to do chemo until the spots on my back are completely gone, but I have a suspicion that they never go away completely, they are sort of like scar tissue, remaining there forever as a reminder of what has been.

There are lots of reminders from this journey, numerous things that will forever remind me of where I have been and where I need to go. If I ever begin to doubt the love of my friends, the strength of the human spirit or the incredible value of this life, I need only to look back on this path that I have walked and reflect on all those who have walked with me, and all doubt will vanish. This cancer has taught me valuable lessons about life and longing, about what is truly important in this world. I know this disease will never leave me, so I will live with it and allow it to continue to give me a unique perspective on the incredible value and fragility of life. I will doubt less and trust more, I will not waste my time on toxic emotions like hate and spite, but fill my world with love. I will ease away from the chaos that surrounds this culture and find a place where peace prevails. I will release grudges and practice forgiveness towards myself and others.

I may not live longer, this disease may come back in a month, a year, 10 years or hopefully never, but I will live better with the knowledge that this cancer has bestowed upon me. I will take it to heart and live the lessons, a better person than I was before. Making every effort to take the lemons and make a perfect and sweet lemonade of life.

The Shoes

I have found the shoes. The perfect pair of shoes for what I hope to be my final dance with chemo. And what better shoes to do the chemo dance in than Naughty Monkey. The ultimate dancing shoes when you are ready to bring down the house. This round of chemotherapy doesn’t hold a candle to me once I place my feet in those shoes and step on to the dance floor. The party will begin; a dance party of epic proportions! If I only got one more dance to do, let’s do it right, we’ll do a little mamba, some two step, perhaps a little country swing leaving me happy and healthy enough to do a dance for lovers, the tango, with my man, Mike.

Get ready Mr. Mike, you are going to owe me a Tango when my chemo dance is done. And I got the shoes.

You ready chemo? Bring it. Cuz I'm bringing the shoes.

A Grand Adventure for Peyton

I am finally starting to feel better. Thank goodness. I was beginning to think that this chemo was going to make me sick until the next dose, and finally I woke up Saturday morning and thought…I feel okay, not great, but okay. I wanted to get up and around to make sure it wasn’t an illusion and I wasn’t going to recede back into sickness once I got moving. So I carefully arose and tentatively entered into my day. Peyton and I hit Starbucks on her way to work and I actually enjoyed the first cup of coffee in the last few weeks. Mike and I had a cup of coffee earlier in the week, but it didn’t agree with my stomach very well, but the coffee Saturday morning, it was, well, nirvana. Simply delightful.

Peyton is off on a fabulous adventure to our great Northern neighbor, Canada. She sprung it on me when I picked her up from work yesterday; that she and her friend and co-Ams-Fan, Katie, wanted to head up to the big city of Chillawack to see the Ams play. Who am I to stand in the way of an adventure? Not me, I promote adventure. So after a few hours filled with finding Peyton’s passport, searching for a decent affordable hotel, buying tickets to the game, changing the oil in the car, and slipping Peyton a little extra spending money, they were off, headed to the lands of the north, in search of a hockey game, preferably an Americans win. My latest correspondence with Peyton is as follows: This, dear mom is a top notch hotel were in. The guy at the front desk wears a very nice turban. Continental breakfast...oh yes. Turn the corner and it's hard mini bagels and muffins. No cream cheese by the way! No orange juice left and bran flakes for cereal. But over all were having fun. Laying in bed eating toast watching Canadian tv. I guess what can you expect for $78 per night? I am not sure what adventures they have planned for the day, but whatever they do, I’m sure they will have a wonderful time. I miss her when she is gone but it makes me smile that she is off in another country with a friend just being a young adult and having fun. Do you remember what it what like being young like that, no responsibilities, no cares? If you want to take off and head cross country for a few days, you have the freedom to do so. What a gift that freedom is and I hope my daughter takes advantage of her youth and her freedom and experiences everything that life has to offer. As we get older we get stifled and our spontaneity leaves us. We would never leave the country on a whim, but a young adult, oh yes, and I hope there are lots more whimsical trips in her future. And I support and encourage every one of them!

I have found myself a little weak today, my legs are aching and don’t have much strength. The nausea is mostly gone, and I am enjoying another cup of coffee, so far so good! I know me well enough to know that once I start feeling better at all, I start overdoing it so I have committed to take it easy and just enjoy the day. Do little minor activities, take a walk, but mostly rest and read and enjoy emails from my daughter. I plan on working tomorrow night, so I want to be as healthy as possible to cover that evening meeting.

Enjoy the spring that has sprung all around us out there. The sun is peeking out from behind the mild cloud cover and is just screaming to illuminate our day. Get outside and soak in the sunshine. Most of us are vitamin D deficient and just 30 minutes in the beautiful sunshine can fill us up with all the D we need for the day. Plant some flowers, rake the leaves, sit in a chair and let the sun rays embrace you. It is simply the most beautiful time of the year. Enjoy!

Prayers Answered!

Well the good news just keeps on coming. I contacted a friend of mine at Lourdes to see if they had any isotopes to do bone scans and less than two hours later I was sitting in nuclear medicine getting an injection of Tech-99 for my bone scan! Mike and I looked at the scan when it was done and all we could see were four of the original lesions, our untrained eyes could find no additional lesions! Now, it needs to be read by the radiologist, but best we can tell, the cancer has not spread any further in my bones. I will breathe completely when I get the final result from the radiologist, but I’m feeling pretty hopeful. I don’t know if those original spots will ever go away completely, so that is one of our questions…do I have to continue with chemo until the lesions are completely gone. God, I hope not.

I am slowly starting to feel better, but it is a gradual and arduous process. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever feel good again, but I know that the end is in sight. I am definitely not rebounding very quickly between treatments, I continue to feel just crummy, weak, nauseous and achy. I try to get up and around a do a few things, but find after the most minor tasks I am completely exhausted. I just cleaned up my kitchen and the simple tasks of emptying the dishwasher and washing a few dishes left me sweating and out of breath. I had to sit down to rest and catch my breath. It’s awful. I am hoping that once this is all done I will rebound quickly, but I have the sneaking suspicion that it will take me awhile to get my strength back. And I will have to be patient with myself. By the time this is all done (if April 1st is my last treatment) I will have been in treatment for 10 months. That is a hard road to walk and it will take a while for me to recover. So, when I get frustrated, remind me to be patient with this body that has been through so much and has triumphed.

I will continue to let my body rest for the weekend, no big plans. Mike and I are going to try to go to Camerata tomorrow night at Battelle, always a great concert. Other than that, I’m going to take it easy and get ready for this upcoming next round. I am praying that it is my last round of Ixempra. I really hate this chemo. But, God willing, there is an end in sight.

Quick Update

Just a quick update to let all of you know how I am doing. I worked on Monday and Tuesday, which was wonderful, but I think I worked too long on Tuesday and left about an hour after I should have. By the time I got home I was exhausted and barely made it to the couch to sleep for a few hours before taking Peyton to the dentist. Tuesday night I was sound asleep on the couch by 7pm and then went to bed at 9pm. Wednesday I woke up and took Peyton to school and just felt awful. I was weak, nauseas, achy and generally miserable. I spent most of the day either sleeping on the couch or in bed, except for Peyton’s student led conference. I set the alarm for noon to make sure I got up and made it to the conference on time, and thought that once I was up and around I would feel better. Nope. Didn’t feel better, in fact felt worse, so after her conference, came home and went to bed for a few hours. I was able to stay awake enough to watch a little TV last night and got caught up on a few of my recorded TV shows and back to bed early.

Today I feel slightly better, but I don’t want to go back to miserable anytime soon, so I’m going to stay home today and maybe go for a walk if the wind dies down a little. But take it real easy to make sure that I don’t go backwards again. Tomorrow, if I continue to feel better, I will go to work for a few hours to make sure I’m set for a meeting I am covering on Monday night. But only a few hours, I am not going to overdo it again.

Right now we are waiting on isotopes. There was concern that if we waited to do my bone scan there wouldn’t be isotopes and guess what, that became a reality and there is a nationwide shortage and no isotopes to do my bone scan. I am sort of frustrated and feel like I should have taken the one two weeks ago rather than waiting. I thought about pushing back and doing the scan, but trusted the doctor that it was better to wait and take our chances. So, I am on a list at the hospital that if they get isotopes they will call me and get it scheduled. But there is no way to know if the cancer has continued to spread in my bones without that scan…so if I can’t get it then what do we do? I have no clue. I don’t want to continue this chemo unless I have to, but if there is a chance it is still in my bones, then I think we have to keep going until we know for sure. I’d rather be safe than sorry. We see Dr. Rado on Thursday before my chemo, so I guess if I don’t get my bone scan by then, we will talk about what the next steps are going to be until I can get the scan. And since it is a nationwide shortage, it’s not like I can go elsewhere. No one has the isotopes. It really sucks.

On to happier matters. Peyton found a dentist that she really likes and hopefully her dental experiences will improve with this new dentist. She has serious dentist phobia thanks to the inept dentists over at Willamette Dental and their poor dental techniques. She needed a cleaning and wanted to go to Caldwell Dental since they have a retail store in their dental office. She figured that the retail store fit with her personality and it must be a good dentist if he has a store that sells cute clothes. Whatever, it works in her mind. So we went to Caldwell Dental and she really liked him. It is a beautiful office, and Dr. Calwell is, well, beautiful too. Very easy on the eyes, Peyton thought he was gorgeous and awesome, so she has found a dentist she likes. She has to have a little cavity filled next week, and she said she can do it, no problem, so I am hoping for a simple and easy appointment with no drama. I can’t take her, but she said that is okay, she’ll be fine. I sure hope so…

So pray for isotopes. That is my next great need. And once we get those isotopes, pray for a clear scan!!

Halfway Through

Mike, his family, my parents and I all did the Ribbon River Walk yesterday to benefit the Tri-Cities Cancer Center. There was a one mile and a 5k. I attempted the one mile, but didn’t make it all the way and turned around quite a ways before the ½ mile mark and lumbered on back to the start line. I didn’t feel right even taking the “participant” ribbon that they handed me at the finish line since I couldn’t even make it a mile. But, oh well, at least I participated. By the time I got home I was exhausted and slept most of the afternoon. When I got up I tried to eat a little, but I just was feeling so crummy that food didn’t sit with me well. So I laid on the couch for a while watching TV hoping I would feel better. I never did.

Last night Mike and I were supposed so join some friends to celebrate the Persian New Year and I was really looking forward to the gathering. Needless to say, I didn’t make it. I called and reluctantly bailed, wishing her a “Aid-eh Sho-mah Mo-bar-ak” and begging for leftovers today, she is an incredible cook and was making a lot of traditional Iranian dishes that I am sure are absolutely amazing. Maybe today I’ll be able to sample some of the leftovers! I’m still feeling pretty puny, my stomach is upset, I am extremely weak and feel like I have a mild version of the flu. Even my hands are achy. I am hoping I didn’t catch anything being around all those people yesterday. I live my life pretty normal, but forget that I really don’t have much of an immune system, so anything that is floating about out there could really put me down. I try to practice good hygiene, hand sanitizer and vigorous hand washing, not touching my face, but sometimes no matter what you do, you catch the crud. I’m not sure if I am coming down with something or if this is still just the chemo doing its job. I have felt so much better this round that I just expect to continue to feel better, so when I start going backwards like this I’m not sure what do to!

I’ll take it easy today. Jessie is coming over, but Houston will be here so if I need to rest, I can just go lay down and rest. The day isn’t looking too wonderful out there, cloudy and a little rainy, so I hope that Jessie is able to get outside and play, that is his favorite thing to do, play outside!! Either way, I get the joy of spending time with him today without all the responsibility. Houston is the primary caregiver, I’m just providing the house and yard!

I hope to be able to go to work for a few hours tomorrow. I promised I would be in to help with a few things. I could do them from home if I have to, but I’d rather try to hit the office for a few hours, it would be nice to see everyone and to feel useful for a change. It’s hard to feel useful when you are vertical on a couch or bed for more than a week.

Its day 11, so I am more than halfway through this cycle and I have blood work tomorrow. I have to be on the homeward stretch. I sure do hope so. Send good energy that I get to feeling better soon!!