Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween. Brrrr. Its sure a cold day out there. Mike and his son are running the Tri-Cities Marathon today and I hope they are able to stay warm enough and beat the wind. Mike runs without a shirt (go figure) so he is very exposed to the elements. He never runs a race with a shirt (unless required), never has, never will. He has been running shirtless for more than 30 years and let me tell you, this guy doesn't take change well. He is set in his ways. So if you see a shirtless guy out there, honk you horn and whistle. Give him a thrill!

I am making Sunday dinner for my family this afternoon which I love to do. I enjoy so much having my family around my table, enjoying a meal together. Then I hope to be able to take Jessie around the neighborhood for a few trick or treats. He is Buzz Lightyear this year and is going to look SO cute. I can't wait. I am not dressing up, my dad used to dress up every year as the headless horseman (complete with a shrunken head) and would scare the trick or treaters so bad that they would run off without candy. Sure saved on the candy bill. I am sure when Jessie gets older he will revisit the costume for a good scare tactic.

Its cold and windy, I think I will stay in and enjoy my warm house with my family. My most favorite people around me. Maybe we'll all sit down and watch Psycho!

An Chapter Closes

I remember all the times that I thought I would work at Kadlec until I retired or died, whichever came first. I can’t believe my journey with this amazing organization is over. It just can’t be true.

I met with Rand yesterday and I know this was hard on him too. I know he shared with me the hope and the desire that I would come back to Kadlec, come back to my job. But the fates have conspired against me and this is just not to be. I am at least 6-9 months from being able to work, so all I can do is hope when I can come back there is still a place for me at Kadlec. I know the job that I birthed will change and go on, but I feel like a toddler has been left behind to be raised by Wendy. I know she is up to the task, but my plan was to bring this job into maturity and I know that dream is gone. There is a new dream. There is a new and better job out there for me. Once I can really sink my teeth into and make into my own. So this is not an end, but the beginning of a new era in my life.

I was approved for Social Security Disability Income but it’s such a wreck. It’s a minor amount and thank goodness I have disability through work or I don’t know how I would make it. The other major problem is that once approved (I was approved effective May 10th) it is 5 months before I get the disability and 24 months before I am eligible for Medicare and my cobra runs out 18 months from the time I went on cobra, which was March. So there is almost a year where I will need to find insurance, which really scares me. I cannot be without insurance and it’s going to take at least half my monthly income to keep my cobra the last few months and then who knows how much it will cost for private coverage, if I can even get it. It is my one huge worry right now. I am living as frugally as I can to put away as much money as possible so I have a nest egg to pay the insurance. I don’t know how people without disability insurance and good cobra get through something like this. No wonder people lose everything; it takes everything to keep going. I just need to get well and get back to work and these problems become solved. So pray I go back to work and just get my insurance back!

Halloween is this weekend and I love to see those little neighborhood kids at my door. It’s so much fun! I usually turn my light out about 8:30 because by then I am getting the teenagers, and truly, they just aren’t cute. I think once you are in high school you should not be trick or treating. I already have my candy, my decorations are up and Mason and Peyton carved pumpkins, so I am set!

Happy Halloween weekend. Enjoy the little ghosts and ghouls!

Philanthropy

It’s been a few days, I had a pretty rough weekend physically. I felt awful from the chemo and the shots of neupogen and I had a hard time bouncing back. I rested a lot because I wanted to be able to attend the Women Helping Women Luncheon yesterday with my Kadlec friends. I was able to go, although it left me exhausted and I came home and slept most of the afternoon. But it was so nice to see a little group of my Kadlec family and hear the wonderful speaker who spoke on philanthropy and how it changes our communities. Little groups like WHW who come together to help their communities. How a small amount added to another small amount can make such a difference in the lives of the people in our community. So I added my small check to others at the luncheon and together we funded worthy organizations that help women and children. What a great feeling. Not only to see my friends but to be a part of something bigger than myself. So when that little elementary school student comes to your door asking for a donation, you may only give them $5 or $10, but that amount added to all the other neighbors’ donations will make their event successful. Give what you can, when you can and make a difference. I know my little fundraiser was a success because of all the generous friends I have who opened their hearts and their pocketbooks.

I feel like I’m coming down with a cold today. I woke up all congested and coughing. By 6am I woke up having a hard time breathing and blew my nose over and over and over again and coughed and coughed. Now that I’m up and around I am feeling a little better but I think I will stay out of the weather. I like walking the dogs with my parents but I think it’s better to say out of the cold right now. This chemo is hard on my immune system, and I want to stay healthy so I can stay on track for my next dose.

I only have a few days to get my computer cleaned up and ready to turn back in. I meet with Rand on Thursday and turn in my Kadlec equipment and become an official long term disability former employee. I pray there is something there for me in a year or so when my health comes back. It will be nice to see Rand and the girls in administration but it is sad that I will no longer be part of the administration team. I have vowed not to cry (at least not while I’m there, when I get in the car to go home all bets are off!). So I will rest today and stay out of the cold and the wind and work on my computer so I’m all ready for Thursday. It will be a sad day, but one I knew was coming. I will survive this like I have all the other challenges I have faced in the last year.

Scary Movie!

My fireplace is blaring, as usual. I’m going to get a little umbrella drink to give to Peyton when she gets up and starts complaining and tell her we have been transported to the Bahamas. She went to see Paranormal Activity 2 last night at the midnight showing and came in and woke me up at 2am because she was so scared she couldn’t go downstairs and get her pajamas! Is that too funny or what! I told her she could sleep with me but she took Sophie and slept in her own bed. I haven’t heard from her yet this morning, so she’ll probably sleep until noon. It will be interesting to hear about this show. I remember seeing the Exorcist as a kid and it scared me so bad I couldn’t sleep for weeks. I am not big on horror shows, they leave me jumpy for too long!

The neupogen is making me terribly achy and I am glad that today is my last dose. It’s a double dose so I’ll be really sore tonight. But by tomorrow afternoon I should be feeling better and on the upward swing. I am meeting with Rand next week so I need to spend some time cleaning up my computer and getting all my contacts moved over to my personal email. Like when I moved out of my office, it is amazing how much stuff one accumulates over many years of working. I am sure I’m going to miss stuff, but I’ll get all I can.

I plan on walking the dogs today. I’ve been able to walk most days this week and it’s good for them and it’s good for me. The weather is cooling but we are going about 10:30 or 11:00 so hopefully it will still be calm and cool with no rain or wind. When Sophie doesn’t get her walk, she can really drive you nuts by the evening, all that energy that she can’t get rid of. She needs her walk everyday. We try to go to places where she can just run and run and that dog is so FAST. It’s amazing. So she is good for me, it makes me take a walk most days which is good for my healing. Exercise, eating right, resting, those are the best things for me.

So I’m hanging in there. One day at a time. As of the end of the week next week I won’t have Kadlec email anymore so make sure to put my gmail in your contact list. I received a note from a website called “being cancer” that has posted a link to my blog on their site so I have expanded my readership, which is cool. I think its time to work on a book. Maybe that should be my focus over the next few months, a book. Think it would sell? Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn’t, but it would probably be wonderfully cathartic and give me a focus of something meaningful to work on during my days. I’ll think about it, you never know, it might be my next career!

Love you all. Go out and share that love with all those you encounter.

Just an Update

I am sleeping pretty well other than getting up a lot to go to the bathroom. The Avastin is really hard on my kidneys so the first few days I’m pretty busy, if you know what I mean. I still can’t get Kadlec off my mind, but I am starting to settle in with what will be will be. I have had quite a few of you contact me via my gmail and it really warms my heart that my Kadlec family is still thinking of me.

The fall is settling in boldly and I am so glad I had my fireplace serviced and my propane tank filled. I am cold a lot, so I have my fireplace blasting, much to the chagrin of my daughter. She comes home from school and is just exasperated because it’s so HOT in the house. So what is wrong with 80? I just tell her I’m trying to relive our Bahamas experience and she quickly turns the fireplace off. As soon as she leaves…well its back on!

I saw Dr. Geiver this week too and he said basically the same thing as Dr. Rado and I won’t see him again unless I have a need for radiation, which I hope to God I don’t. He agrees that the remaining tumor in my brain is troublesome and it would be very good for my prognosis if the tumor would shrink down. It could be dead, but with it not getting smaller, it’s hard to tell. So I will continue to take my chemo and hope that the Avastin does cross that blood-brain barrier and blast the crap out of that tumor. One left, let’s get rid of it.

Mike was nice enough to come over and help me get my Halloween decorations up. So my eyeballs fearlessly line the house, scaring the neighborhood kids. I love to watch the little ones dare each other to come up and touch the bloodshot eyes. My pumpkins are lit, my candy is bought and I’m looking forward to seeing my little trick or treaters at the end of the month. I love decorating the house and Halloween is a piece of cake compared to what I do for Christmas. Wait until you see my house at Christmas, the Griswolds have nothing on me! God bless Mike, he has helped me with these decorations every year he has known me and it sure makes the job easier. I bought a bunch of new lights online a few years ago and they are so cool. We are in the decorating season, yea!

I am feeling okay. My counts weren’t great on Monday and my immune system is compromised so I have to have shots of neupogen everyday which make me feel like I’m coming down with the flu. So I ache and shiver and sleep a lot. I have to take the shots every day this week with a double dose on Friday, so it’s going to be a tough week. This derailed my trip to the coast, not only do I need the shots but with my immune system so weak traveling wouldn’t be the best idea for my health. So I’m staying home this week, hovering by the fireplace. Hopefully I’ll feel better next week, but this will probably be the routine for the next few months. I can do it. Better living through chemistry. I’ll just keep taking my meds.

I have lost a lot of weight, which I am happy about, but the doctors really don’t want me to lose anymore, so I’m trying to eat a little more than I was although my appetite isn’t there and food just doesn’t sound good to me these days. I like that I have lost the weight, but it’s a heck of a way to do it! I’ll eat, mom, I promise.

All for now. Will be in touch soon.

Both Sad and Wonderful News

It was a sad and wonderful day. I am overwhelmed with emotions. Let’s start with the good news.

My lungs are considered clear so there is no cancer remaining in my body, except for small unseen particles which may be there just waiting to take hold again. But there are no discernable tumors. Dr. Rado said it’s nothing short of amazing that I have gone from lungs covered with cancer to no tumors at all. Maybe I will make the 5% that survival rate after all. He is still concerned about the tumor in my brain. It is shrinking but not fast enough and if he sees any growth at all, he will send me to Seattle for Gammaknife to get rid of it. He cannot tell if it is a dead or alive tumor so to be safe he wants to go ahead and do chemo through the end of the year and check again in January with a full CT and MRI to see the status. I would hope that I would improve so much I’ll be able to stop chemo and wait 3-4 months before testing again and see if it comes back without the chemo. We can only hope and pray.

I heard from my boss while I was receiving my chemo and is where my heart-wrenching sad news comes. We had a nice visit, he has had some health challenges also and I was so glad to hear he is doing well. However, with my status change at Kadlec to full disability the time has come to sever the relationship further and turn in my blackberry, laptop, badge and disconnect my kadlecmed email. It breaks my heart. Those things have been my lifeline to my previous life, checking email a few times a week, hearing what is going on, that we had a successful DOH survey, or we are having a jewelry sale, a flag raising, a fundraiser, or the other employee’s planetree experiences. I hear from my fellow employees regularly who think of me and shoot me an email to check in on my status. I have personal email, but I know it’s easier for people to just send it to that work address that they already have. So that lifeline is going away. The length of this disability is becoming more and more real as my former life slips away and I settle into the world of cancer. I knew this was going to happen, it was inevitable, the job could only wait so long, and the reality is I was never going to be able to handle the job again anyway. But this makes it so real. This disease has taken away my job that I love so much, the people that I work with, the things that I do best. Cancer is a taker, it takes and takes and takes until it takes your life or you kill the beast. There is no in-between. My heart breaks, the tears flow freely and I mourn the passing of an era in my life. I will pray with all my heart and soul that once I beat this disease there will still be a place for me somewhere at Kadlec, my home away from home, with my family, my friends. So if you are reading this and you want to stay connected with me, my email is pattysuetaylor@gmail.com. Feel free to share, I love to hear from my friends. I am also on facebook, but not very religiously, maybe once a week or so.

So I am sad and I will mourn, and in time; it will pass. But the reality of the job I did will continue in my heart. The 58 board members that I took on as my own and loved each and every one of them remains connected to my soul. The faces of my managers and co-workers are permanently etched into the window panes of my memories. The events, the hours, the camaraderie, the love we all shared, that will remain with me always. I will never forget those who I loved at a place I called home. You are my heroes, my friends, safely ensconced in the confines of my heart where you memory will remain safe.

Just another challenge that I knew was coming, but was hoping it was somewhere out there in the future. Far away. That I could hold on status quo for a while longer and pretend there is a connection continuing, when I know it has to be broken. I will keep my chin up and my attitude good, moving forward with faith that what will be will be and that someday, I’ll go home. No matter where home may be.

More on Love

Fall is definitely in the air. As I sit here in my antique rocking chair in front of the warm blowing fireplace I reflect on the last year, the last time I sat here in front of the fireplace as winter began its inevitable decent on us. The air is crisp and fresh as the sun shines brightly down unable to warm the cold autumn breeze. How could we know I would still be in the battle for my life a year later, still doing chemo, still confronting the horrible side effects, still wondering how long I will live, how long it will be before the disease takes over completely, or if I will find a way to beat this evil foe. My soul cries out...beat it I will, I steel myself, my mantra to live strong within me. I will not give up, I will not grow complacent, I will fight until I can fight no more. I will live as long as my destiny allows, as long as I am given the grace to be here on this earth, in this family, with those I love. And after I go, I will love them from afar and I will send my devotion from the heavens as I watch over them. My deep undying love will remain here with them, I will leave behind my legacy in the form of everlasting love and hope for a beautiful future.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again, no matter the question, love is the answer. The love we share as human beings is enduring and real. It surpasses all trials, all errors, all foibles and shortcomings. It allows us to overcome what we believe to be insurmountable. We can climb mountains that reach to the sky and make it through the darkest valleys, the bleakest of times. Love allows us to conquer it all.

Love those in your life with all your heart. Forgive them their shortcomings, their mistakes. Support them in their victories and in their traumas. Be a rock, a foundation of enduring love that will help them triumph, no matter how trying, how difficult. Let your love permeate your life and all those around you. It is the only thing that carries on forever.