I know its been quite a few days since I've written and I've not died or fallen off the face of the earth. I have not felt well all weekend and I spent most of the time horizontal on the couch, taking my meds, wishing the sickness would pass. It finally did today, at least mostly. I am still sick to my stomach, but not as bad, its manageable. I was lucky enough to have dinner with my good friend Julie tonight, and although I didn't eat much and gobbled tums as soon as I got home, the food tasted great and the company was even better. I miss being with my friends, I miss feeling well enough to be with my friends even more. The first week after chemo I'm just not up to going anywhere or visiting with anyone, so I've become very solitary, which is against my personality. I am an extrovert and I share energy with the people I'm around so its a real change to my life. I need people, I need their life force around me, energizing me. I just think that underneath it all I am weary of this battle and somewhat depressed. I need to snap out of it, that's all. Its just so hard to watch your life slip away from you piece by piece. It was a great life too. Not that I don't have so much to live for now, I do, and I am not minimizing my current life, its just not what I envisioned for me at this time. My plan was to be working, making a living, supporting my family, hanging out with my friends, being with my lover, spending time with my family...living my life. Now I am busy fighting for my life and trying to build a new life out of the ravages of the old. I am not trying to be melodramatic here, but that is how I feel. I feel lost, like I've misplaced my compass and I don't know which direction I should go.
So I try to make a plan for my future, with an outlook that is so uncertain, so unknown, and I can't do it, I can't make plans when I don't know where I'll be in six months. So all I can do is take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I plan my days around my chemotherapy; on when it might be a good day and hope it turns out to BE a good day. For now that's the best I can do. Long term; well we will just have to wait and see.
