Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.
I struggled my way up this morning and made the decision to go to church no matter how tired I was or how hard it was to move. I knew God had a message for me, and maybe for you too. I was right. I have to admit that I am angry with God right now. Why me? This is so unfair that me and my family have to endure this horrible cancer this incredible burden. Why, when I did everything right, living a good healthy life and was struck with this horrible disease. And it doesn't just affect me, it affects my whole family. It is unfair to my children, my partner, my parents and my friends. I have shared this with God too, that I am mad at Him and I don't understand why He gave me this burden to carry, it is such a heavy load and is wearing all of us down so much. But today I was reminded that He knows the burden He has laid upon me and He has a purpose, I just can't see the big picture. God knows my past, present and future. He knows if I am going to survive, He wants me to learn to trust in Him and carry His torch no matter what the cost or consequences. My favorite passage is in Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and go and pray to Me and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search with all your heart." I was reminded of this promise today. He does have a plan for me, even if I can't see it clearly. I just have to keep fighting every day and keep my faith strong. Its waning some days, my faith, and it is a heavy load to just keep my chin up and keep believing. But that is what I am called to do. Keep faith that God sees the bigger picture and that He will direct my path, no matter where it leads. Even if it leads to a place where I don't want to go. I have to trust God will go there with me.
We are all going to die. Its a matter of when and how. And when we do, God is going to be there with us. He is going to walk across that void with us and we will not be alone. We will meet our maker and the reasons for our trials will become evident. The Plan will become clear. I wish I had that plan now. I want to know if I am going to live or die; truly I want to live and I want to live long and good. There is more I want to do and see and say and write and experience. But that is not my decision, All I can do is keep fighting every moment of every day and trust not in my own understanding. Cuz, you know what? I really don't get it. I don't get the unfairness of it all and I probably never will. That's not my job. My job is just to trust God, no matter where He leads. And to show that trust to others. Be a beacon of light on a dark cold night and give light and love where there has been sorrow and pain. I need that in my life and I need to share that in yours.
So that is what I heard in church today. I think it was worth getting up and dressed for. And I believe I was meant to share it with you. I am working on forgiving God, He can handle my anger, but He needs me to forgive and trust. So that is what I am working on. Forgiveness and trust. I pray for it fervently; along with healing. More than anything, I want to be healed and go back to my life but in the meantime; I need to trust and forgive God the burdens He has lain on me. There is a reason, even if it is very unclear. Hopefully I am helping someone along the way, showing light and life where there is darkness and pain. So I pray for healing while I work on forgiving God the burdens He has lain on me. Its the best I can do for now.
