Pray for Life

I know I haven't posted in a few days, its been a really rough week. The broken shoulder has caused me alot of pain so the medical team upped my pain medication which has made me totally listless and lethargic. I can barely move this week. I go from my chair to bed and don't do much inbetween. I did go to my exercise class this Thursday hoping it would pep me up, but it just made my legs more tired and I was even more lethargic than before. So I am taking the pain medication back down regardless of my shoulder pain. I would rather have a little pain than have my head so full of fog. So I am contending with pain in the hopes of clearing my head. I don't like this indeterminable mist I am living in so we are hoping if I don't take as much pain medication the fog will lift. I sure hope so. This continual fatigue is getting very old. I don't know how long I can live like this.

I see Dr. Rado on Monday and we have a list of questions; first being - when can I take a break? My body is overwhelmed. If bringing the pain meds down doesn't clear my head and make me feel better, than maybe I need a break from treatment. I haven't really had a break since we went to the Bahamas in August so I think my body is just plain worn out. So what Mike and I are hoping is that we do this next treatment, I suffer through another month of chemo and after I get my scans in early May there is enough of an improvement that I could take a few months off and recover a bit. If my platelets don't come up I won't be able to take the Tramadol, which I am okay with. I am so sick of being on chemo that skipping the Tramadol is just fine with me. I am banking on the Gammaknife working.

I am beginning to wonder if this is my life. Am I going to spend my remaining days on this earth fighting this disease. When Kim lost her battle so suddenly it sure made me wonder if I might suddenly lose my battle without warning. I hope the fatigue and lethargy I have been feeling are medication related, not symptom related. In other words, I hope the tumors are shrinking not getting bigger and the only way to know if the tumors are growing are an MRI which is not scheduled until May. Until then I just hope I can deal with all these damn side effects and start feeling a little better so I can get around and have more of a life. My life consists of simply existing right now, and I want more from life than that. I want to live. And the way I feel, living isn't what I do, I simply take up space and oxygen. I want more. I want a life not just an existence. I am ready to take up my sword and live again. Even though I can't go back to work, there are things I want to do and I have to feel better to start doing them! So pray for me to feel better soon and be able to start living again. This current life is sure getting old.

I am ready to have my energy back and be able to walk the dogs and work in the yard and be a productive member of society again! Pray I can get my life back!