I dreamt about cancer last night. I dreamt about having it in my lungs and bones, about telling the people that I love that I have cancer, about the looks in their faces when they realize that I have this disease. I dreamt about being sick, about tests, about fear. All night long with the sounds of the surf crashing against the shore I dreamt about cancer. I don’t know why it was there, haunting my dreams. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with this disease when I am awake, but to have it invade my dreams seems unfair. It’s the one place it hasn’t really been able to touch me. My dreams have remained blissfully unaware of the cancer. Maybe it’s the test coming up later this week, maybe it was because we were talking about it at dinner last night, but hopefully it goes away and leaves my dreams alone. I want to dream about bunnies and sunshine, not sickness and disease.
I am sitting here on the balcony watching the surfers battle the waves. The surf is breaking pretty good this morning and they are spending most of their time tumbling in the waves. Maybe it’s not as easy as it looks. And it looks cold…perhaps I don’t want to go surfing after all. Watching it from here seems good enough today.
The shopping excursion was successful. I was exhausted by the end of the day. I think we hit every designer store in Fashion Valley and Peyton purchased various fabulous items including new jeans and a pea coat. I picked up a nice pair of olive colored suede boots and a few shirts but the focus was really on Peyton. It was her shopping spree. She even has money left over to spend when we hit the shops here in Coronado. It defies reasonable sense and sensibility, but I went to Nordstroms Rack and didn’t buy any shoes. It is truly unbelievable. I have been trying to switch to more conservative shoes lately because my energy level is so low and it takes so much more energy to wear heels. So I found fabulous heels, but didn’t want to buy them, and saw some cute flats…but that’s all they were - cute…not fabulous. I just couldn’t bring myself to buy them. It’s a mind shift that I haven’t made yet. I am a high heel girl, not a flat girl. Learning to wear sensible shoes is going to take some time. But I realize how important it is to conserve my energy and I get out of breath easier in heels…but still…I am a off the charts heels to die for girl! I guess I’ll just have to find the most fabulous flats in the world!
Today is brunch in the Crown Room. It is ridiculously expensive, but is the most expansive spread of brunch delicacies that I have ever seen. There is everything from fruit to crab legs. We will not need to eat again until tomorrow! The conference starts today at 4pm, so after brunch I’ll spend a few hours with my family and then get busy on work stuff, getting ready for the conference. At 6:30 there is a reception and at 7:45 is dinner. I have arranged for all 45 guests of Kadlec to eat at a restaurant across the street from the hotel called the Brigandine, which is supposed to be excellent. I hope so!
My health and my energy are holding up. I am sure glad that I got a transfusion before I left town or I would probably be in bed completely exhausted. I have also been taking vitamins and airborne twice per day to make sure that I don’t catch anything while I am here.
This is a beautiful place to rest and regenerate. Even once I get busy with work, working in a place like this is still so incredible. With the beach and ocean before me, it makes everything just a little bit easier.
Cheers!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Let's Shop!
I slept with the sound of the ocean pounding against the sand. The waves rolling in and the breakers crashing down. I don’t know why, but the ocean is renewing for me. It soothes my spirit and renews my soul. The vastness of the water, as far as the eye can see, stretching out, teeming with life. I have a healthy respect for the ocean, for its awesome power. There are surfers out there this morning and I watch them ride the waves and I wish I could be there with them, they seem so free, gliding across the surface of the water, riding the waves. This is different surfing than I have seen before; they stand on the boards with a long paddle and float on the surface of the ocean, waiting for the perfect wave. While they are not surfing they are standing on the boards and paddling around. It reminds me of skiing. Maybe I’ll look into doing this; it looks like a lot of fun.
We had a wonderful dinner last night in Old Town San Diego with the family. Always nice to reconnect with the cousins and my aunt and hear how their lives are going. Today is power shopping, I hope I have the strength to keep up with my daughter. She has money and she is motivated; that is a tough shopping combination! We are meeting my aunt at Fashion Valley at 10am to begin the expedition to find the perfect clothes, the trek for the ideal shoes. It will be an auspicious journey. One to be remembered. Send me lots good shopping energy.
I could sit here on the balcony all day and watch the surf, but my daughter is ready to rock n roll, we need to get some breakfast, some starbucks, get fortified for the day.
Let’s shop!
We had a wonderful dinner last night in Old Town San Diego with the family. Always nice to reconnect with the cousins and my aunt and hear how their lives are going. Today is power shopping, I hope I have the strength to keep up with my daughter. She has money and she is motivated; that is a tough shopping combination! We are meeting my aunt at Fashion Valley at 10am to begin the expedition to find the perfect clothes, the trek for the ideal shoes. It will be an auspicious journey. One to be remembered. Send me lots good shopping energy.
I could sit here on the balcony all day and watch the surf, but my daughter is ready to rock n roll, we need to get some breakfast, some starbucks, get fortified for the day.
Let’s shop!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Do Not Worry.
Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Jesus said that. I think it is good advice to live by. We, as a society, have a tendency to worry about everything. Is the traffic going to make me late, was I exposed to the flu, do I have all I need to make dinner, is that person mad at me, is my flight going to be late, what are my test results? The list goes on and on. Really, when it comes down to it, does worrying help anything? Who, by worrying, will add one minute to their lives or change the outcome of any given situation? Worry is one of those fruitless activities. Absolutely nothing positive comes out of it.
When I find myself starting to worry, I stop and think, how, by worrying, am I going to change this situation? And then I realize…I’m not. I’m only borrowing tomorrow’s trouble. I am not immune to worry, in fact, I come across it naturally from a long line of worriers. My mother, who has a crown when it comes to worry since she is the queen, has spent many a sleepless night thinking about the outcome of things she cannot change. She knows as well as I do that the worry does not change anything, but for some reason, she is powerless to stop it, as am I. I have found myself awake more times than I care to admit at 4am worrying. And when dawn came, guess what…nothing had changed except I was tired and stressed.
So, how do we let go of worry? I think the only way to relinquish the worry is to continue to surrender our lives to God, fate, destiny, whatever your belief and by acknowledging that the worry has no positive outcome. So the next time that you begin to fret, tell yourself that nothing good is going to come of this anxiety and release it all to God. Realize that He is in control, so your worry, while warranted, is not going to change anything. Also realize that there is worry and then there is prayer. Prayer does change things. So take that worry and turn it into words of prayer on your lips. Cast your cares upon God, He has big shoulders, He can handle it.
We made it to San Diego! With my counts the way they were this week there was some question as to whether or not I’d be able to make this trip, so I am supremely happy to be here. I found myself worrying last night about if I had everything, what if I got exposed to the flu on the plane, how would I fight it off? Or would we make our connection in Seattle since it was so tight? Did I need a swimsuit? Would the dogs be okay without me? Will grandpa remember to give them their pills, water my plants, pick up the mail? Will my mom and daughter like the room we got? And on and on and on…and then I realized how silly it was that I was losing sleep over things I had no control over. If I forget something, oh well I’ll buy it there, if I get exposed to something there is nothing I can do and God knows, I shouldn’t be in public in a swimsuit. If we miss our connection…well…can I change that by worrying about it? No, no, no. Nothing could be changed by my laying in bed worrying about it. So I got up, had a glass of wine and then went back to bed, finally to sleep soundly. Today came and guess what, so far so good, everything has gone smoothly.
We are having dinner with my family tonight in Old Town San Diego. Tomorrow my daughter wants to shop shop shop, so we are going to Fashion Valley Mall which has all the designer stores with things that we can’t afford. But you never know when you are going to find a fabulous deal. Sunday we are having a brunch to die for at the hotel and my conference starts Sunday afternoon.
I am feeling pretty good, my transfusion is kicking in and I am not so short of breath as I was yesterday and my energy level is coming back. I should be right as rain for power shopping tomorrow.
So, let go of the worry, the anxiety, the concerns, let it all go and focus on the the here and now. Right now is what matters, and it’s the only time you are going to have this moment, so drink it in! Quit borrowing tomorrow’s trouble today and focus on the present. Like they say, it’s a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. Open it and revel in its glory!
Jesus said that. I think it is good advice to live by. We, as a society, have a tendency to worry about everything. Is the traffic going to make me late, was I exposed to the flu, do I have all I need to make dinner, is that person mad at me, is my flight going to be late, what are my test results? The list goes on and on. Really, when it comes down to it, does worrying help anything? Who, by worrying, will add one minute to their lives or change the outcome of any given situation? Worry is one of those fruitless activities. Absolutely nothing positive comes out of it.
When I find myself starting to worry, I stop and think, how, by worrying, am I going to change this situation? And then I realize…I’m not. I’m only borrowing tomorrow’s trouble. I am not immune to worry, in fact, I come across it naturally from a long line of worriers. My mother, who has a crown when it comes to worry since she is the queen, has spent many a sleepless night thinking about the outcome of things she cannot change. She knows as well as I do that the worry does not change anything, but for some reason, she is powerless to stop it, as am I. I have found myself awake more times than I care to admit at 4am worrying. And when dawn came, guess what…nothing had changed except I was tired and stressed.
So, how do we let go of worry? I think the only way to relinquish the worry is to continue to surrender our lives to God, fate, destiny, whatever your belief and by acknowledging that the worry has no positive outcome. So the next time that you begin to fret, tell yourself that nothing good is going to come of this anxiety and release it all to God. Realize that He is in control, so your worry, while warranted, is not going to change anything. Also realize that there is worry and then there is prayer. Prayer does change things. So take that worry and turn it into words of prayer on your lips. Cast your cares upon God, He has big shoulders, He can handle it.
We made it to San Diego! With my counts the way they were this week there was some question as to whether or not I’d be able to make this trip, so I am supremely happy to be here. I found myself worrying last night about if I had everything, what if I got exposed to the flu on the plane, how would I fight it off? Or would we make our connection in Seattle since it was so tight? Did I need a swimsuit? Would the dogs be okay without me? Will grandpa remember to give them their pills, water my plants, pick up the mail? Will my mom and daughter like the room we got? And on and on and on…and then I realized how silly it was that I was losing sleep over things I had no control over. If I forget something, oh well I’ll buy it there, if I get exposed to something there is nothing I can do and God knows, I shouldn’t be in public in a swimsuit. If we miss our connection…well…can I change that by worrying about it? No, no, no. Nothing could be changed by my laying in bed worrying about it. So I got up, had a glass of wine and then went back to bed, finally to sleep soundly. Today came and guess what, so far so good, everything has gone smoothly.
We are having dinner with my family tonight in Old Town San Diego. Tomorrow my daughter wants to shop shop shop, so we are going to Fashion Valley Mall which has all the designer stores with things that we can’t afford. But you never know when you are going to find a fabulous deal. Sunday we are having a brunch to die for at the hotel and my conference starts Sunday afternoon.
I am feeling pretty good, my transfusion is kicking in and I am not so short of breath as I was yesterday and my energy level is coming back. I should be right as rain for power shopping tomorrow.
So, let go of the worry, the anxiety, the concerns, let it all go and focus on the the here and now. Right now is what matters, and it’s the only time you are going to have this moment, so drink it in! Quit borrowing tomorrow’s trouble today and focus on the present. Like they say, it’s a gift, that’s why it’s called the present. Open it and revel in its glory!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Expectations.
Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations. Like when we expect the lights to be green when we are running late, or for the incredible shoes on clearance to be our size, or for the line we pick at the bank to be the fastest, or to beat metastatic breast cancer in only four months. Yeah, sometimes our expectations simply aren’t realistic.
So, I guess I thought I was superwoman. Okay, I was certain I was superwoman and that I could jump into treatment for metastatic breast cancer and poof, be done with it after only twelve treatments. The reality is that although miracles happen, and they happen everyday, I may have set my goals and expectations a tad too high in relation to the length of treatment and the chance of a cure. So, I gotta get real. Not too real, because I still expect to be superwoman and beat metastatic breast cancer in record time, but realistic enough to fight without getting my hopes, and yours, too elevated. This is an awful disease. The reality is that only 20% of the woman fighting this disease at this stage will actually survive. I won’t even write what the life expectancy is for my type of cancer, because I think it would promote a defeatist attitude and I am not a defeatist, nor am I a statistic. I refuse to let my life be dictated by numbers. I am a woman, a strong woman at that, and I will not be beat down by the law of averages. Triple negative metastatic breast cancer has not met Patty Taylor until recently, and it has met its match. I shall not be beaten by this insidious disease.
My visit with the doctor was very promising. I am responding very very well to treatment. He is thrilled that the lungs are showing such a remarkable improvement. The plan is to do “one more round for good measure” and then take a 3-4 week break from chemo. Then we will start up again and do another 2-3 rounds and then another CT to see where we are. So, my break is going to be right over the holidays, is that cool or what?! I mean if I’m going to get a break, that is the perfect time!
Then there is the little issue of this bone lesion. It is very small. In fact, if there was no corresponding pain, Dr. Rado would question if it is even a lesion. However, since there is some significant pain associated with the spot, he is ordering a bone scan and we will see if it actually is cancer, and if so, if this is the only spot. If it is cancer, during my break from chemo we will do some localized radiation to kill the bastard. Then be done with it. Adios. Sayonara. Cancer be gone. Sounds like a plan.
My blood work was crap. No way around it. And I was actually feeling quite good! I thought my counts were staying up nicely and that I might make it through this round without a transfusion. No such luck. I am having a transfusion today and my white counts are awful. So, my high protein, high iron diet isn’t doing everything I thought it would, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll have my transfusion and take my daily neupogen shots and then fly out on Friday. I am so excited for my trip to San Diego. It’s going to be a wonderful time with my daughter and mother, just what the doctor ordered. Rest, relaxation, love, family, beach, California. Perfect.
I find myself sitting back and wondering if this is all real. Is this really happening to me? I feel the pain in my back and get short of breath and I think, this can’t be true, it can’t be cancer, it must be something else. I am healthy. I eat right, I exercise, I take my vitamins, I meditate and do all the right “stuff” to stay healthy. I cannot have cancer. Not me. ITS JUST NOT REAL. Then I look at my life from the perspective of the outside looking in and I see me standing there, bloated, balding and sick, and I know its true. All of it. I have cancer, and its not good, and I could die from it. Its so surreal. This is not the life I expected.
But I guess none of us are ever given the life we expected. We set our expectations, and then we have to take what is given to us. That is the reality of it. My reality is that I will be fighting this for a while longer, perhaps a long while. And in the meantime, I will continue to make the best of each day and take the best that life has to offer me. I will set my expectations high, because I don’t know how else to live my life, and my expectation is to beat this cancer. I just need to be in the battle a little while longer.
So, I guess I thought I was superwoman. Okay, I was certain I was superwoman and that I could jump into treatment for metastatic breast cancer and poof, be done with it after only twelve treatments. The reality is that although miracles happen, and they happen everyday, I may have set my goals and expectations a tad too high in relation to the length of treatment and the chance of a cure. So, I gotta get real. Not too real, because I still expect to be superwoman and beat metastatic breast cancer in record time, but realistic enough to fight without getting my hopes, and yours, too elevated. This is an awful disease. The reality is that only 20% of the woman fighting this disease at this stage will actually survive. I won’t even write what the life expectancy is for my type of cancer, because I think it would promote a defeatist attitude and I am not a defeatist, nor am I a statistic. I refuse to let my life be dictated by numbers. I am a woman, a strong woman at that, and I will not be beat down by the law of averages. Triple negative metastatic breast cancer has not met Patty Taylor until recently, and it has met its match. I shall not be beaten by this insidious disease.
My visit with the doctor was very promising. I am responding very very well to treatment. He is thrilled that the lungs are showing such a remarkable improvement. The plan is to do “one more round for good measure” and then take a 3-4 week break from chemo. Then we will start up again and do another 2-3 rounds and then another CT to see where we are. So, my break is going to be right over the holidays, is that cool or what?! I mean if I’m going to get a break, that is the perfect time!
Then there is the little issue of this bone lesion. It is very small. In fact, if there was no corresponding pain, Dr. Rado would question if it is even a lesion. However, since there is some significant pain associated with the spot, he is ordering a bone scan and we will see if it actually is cancer, and if so, if this is the only spot. If it is cancer, during my break from chemo we will do some localized radiation to kill the bastard. Then be done with it. Adios. Sayonara. Cancer be gone. Sounds like a plan.
My blood work was crap. No way around it. And I was actually feeling quite good! I thought my counts were staying up nicely and that I might make it through this round without a transfusion. No such luck. I am having a transfusion today and my white counts are awful. So, my high protein, high iron diet isn’t doing everything I thought it would, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll have my transfusion and take my daily neupogen shots and then fly out on Friday. I am so excited for my trip to San Diego. It’s going to be a wonderful time with my daughter and mother, just what the doctor ordered. Rest, relaxation, love, family, beach, California. Perfect.
I find myself sitting back and wondering if this is all real. Is this really happening to me? I feel the pain in my back and get short of breath and I think, this can’t be true, it can’t be cancer, it must be something else. I am healthy. I eat right, I exercise, I take my vitamins, I meditate and do all the right “stuff” to stay healthy. I cannot have cancer. Not me. ITS JUST NOT REAL. Then I look at my life from the perspective of the outside looking in and I see me standing there, bloated, balding and sick, and I know its true. All of it. I have cancer, and its not good, and I could die from it. Its so surreal. This is not the life I expected.
But I guess none of us are ever given the life we expected. We set our expectations, and then we have to take what is given to us. That is the reality of it. My reality is that I will be fighting this for a while longer, perhaps a long while. And in the meantime, I will continue to make the best of each day and take the best that life has to offer me. I will set my expectations high, because I don’t know how else to live my life, and my expectation is to beat this cancer. I just need to be in the battle a little while longer.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Good news, bad news.
Well, I didn’t get my all clear. But I did get some good news bad news. The good news is that my lungs look remarkably better. All the lesions that are on my lungs are reducing. They aren’t gone, but they are all getting smaller and some look to be almost gone! So, we are pretty good when it comes to the lungs.
The bad news is that there is a new lesion on my back rib. I have been having a lot of back pain and have attributed it to my kidneys working overtime because of the chemo. Apparently that was incorrect. I have a piece of cancer on my 9th rib in my back. It hurts like the dickens. I have been taking a lot of painkillers and thinking that I really wish my back would stop hurting, I guess now I now know why my back hurts so dang bad. Cancer in your bones really hurts!
So, the battle is not won….YET. I guess it was unrealistic to think that I could battle and win metastatic breast cancer in four months. But that’s okay, miracles happen, and I still plan on being one of them. It just means that I get to be in this war a little while longer. But I know that I do not walk this path alone. I have so many people walking with me. We are an army. And you all make me strong. Together, we will win this war. I have no doubt. Cancer has not met an army like I have, and cancer, you have met your match.
I’ll post again later with a little more and some of my thoughts once I have had a chance to let it all sink in...but wanted to get the information out so everyone knew what was going on.
Love you all,
Patty
The bad news is that there is a new lesion on my back rib. I have been having a lot of back pain and have attributed it to my kidneys working overtime because of the chemo. Apparently that was incorrect. I have a piece of cancer on my 9th rib in my back. It hurts like the dickens. I have been taking a lot of painkillers and thinking that I really wish my back would stop hurting, I guess now I now know why my back hurts so dang bad. Cancer in your bones really hurts!
So, the battle is not won….YET. I guess it was unrealistic to think that I could battle and win metastatic breast cancer in four months. But that’s okay, miracles happen, and I still plan on being one of them. It just means that I get to be in this war a little while longer. But I know that I do not walk this path alone. I have so many people walking with me. We are an army. And you all make me strong. Together, we will win this war. I have no doubt. Cancer has not met an army like I have, and cancer, you have met your match.
I’ll post again later with a little more and some of my thoughts once I have had a chance to let it all sink in...but wanted to get the information out so everyone knew what was going on.
Love you all,
Patty
Smile.
Just a short post to update you all on the day. Today is my CT, at 1pm. I am nervous, excited, scared, hopeful but most of all surrendered to the outcome. What will be shall be.
This song started in my mind yesterday and I thought it appropriate. Smile. That’s all we can do. If we smile, we can get by. I have always told my daughter that if you smile on the outside, eventually, it will make it down to your heart. So I am smiling and it is working its way to my heart, warming me from the inside out.
Smile – Words by john turner and geoffrey parsons and music by charlie chaplin
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
--
Smile my friends. Just Smile.
:-)
This song started in my mind yesterday and I thought it appropriate. Smile. That’s all we can do. If we smile, we can get by. I have always told my daughter that if you smile on the outside, eventually, it will make it down to your heart. So I am smiling and it is working its way to my heart, warming me from the inside out.
Smile – Words by john turner and geoffrey parsons and music by charlie chaplin
Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile
--
Smile my friends. Just Smile.
:-)
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Surrender.
Surrender. What does it mean to truly surrender? Surrender yourself to fate, to life, to the odds, to your destiny, to God Himself.
That is the word that keeps coming up in my head over and over in the last 24 hours. Surrender. Its time to just let it all go. Let go of the fear and the worry. Let go of the anticipation and the angst. Just let it all go and let my destiny play out before me. The outcome of the test tomorrow has already been determined. God knows the answer, He knows how it will end up and there is already a plan in place to deal with that outcome. If the cancer is gone, yippee, skippy, happity doo dah! If it’s not quite gone, well then, I go to Plan B. Life is all about how you handle Plan B anyway, since how rarely does Plan A ever work out? So my Plan A is, of course, clear. However, I am also a realist and know that the odds of getting an all clear with advanced stage cancer is minimal, so I have surrendered myself to whatever the test will say. If I have to go with Plan B, well then that’s what I will do.
What is Plan B? How the heck do I keep on keeping on? Well, I just do. I do one more round for good measure and then I take a little break to get healthy and then I jump back on the merry-go-round and do it again, this time with even more enthusiasm and less cancer to beat. I know it’s less. I know it hasn’t spread. I don’t know why I know that, I just know. I am not positive it is completely gone, but I know it has been minimized and is on its way out.
So I surrender. I let go and let God control my future and let divine providence play out before me. I never had control anyway. The control that I think that I had is such an illusion. I can control my attitude and how I behave in any given situation, but I cannot control the situation and how the future is going to unfold. I can pray and ask and beg, but God has a plan, and He knows what that plan is going to be. That is a bitter pill for someone who likes to be in control of her life like I do. I want to have a plan and have it laid out before me and know what the next step will be, but this experience has shown me that is not possible. I simply have to let go and roll, let the chips fall where they may, and have a positive attitude when its time to pick up the pieces when they land in a scattered mess.
This does not mean that I give up praying. I think God hears our prayers and considers them. Maybe right now He is thinking….and you are praying for me…and that prayer will have Him set me free of the cancer. Well, then, intercede on my behalf, my faithful prayer warriors, ask God to set me free from cancer. I’m ready.
As difficult as it is to surrender my life, how does it feel to completely surrender others to their own destiny and turn their lives over to God? Especially when that person is your child that you have raised and love so deeply? Surrender means “to give up or give back something that was granted.” God granted this child’s life to me to raise. I have done my job. I have raised him and now its time for me to surrender him back to God. The jury is still out on whether I did a good job raising him, but I did the best I could with the tools I had and the rest is up to him. His destiny, his future, is not in my hands and I have no control over the plan for his life. I have stepped back and surrendered him to God, to the legal system which will control his future, to his own devices, attitudes and decisions which will guide his path. I cannot control anything that is going to happen to him anymore. I don’t think I ever could. The reality of the situation is that it is completely, utterly, absolutely out of my hands. Surrender is truly all I can do.
There is freedom in surrender. There is absolution. Like a weight is lifted and the burdens are set free. I can live with whatever comes my way; I am liberated from the chains of control, the weight of worry. The yoke of fear no longer tight around my neck. I am free.
That is the word that keeps coming up in my head over and over in the last 24 hours. Surrender. Its time to just let it all go. Let go of the fear and the worry. Let go of the anticipation and the angst. Just let it all go and let my destiny play out before me. The outcome of the test tomorrow has already been determined. God knows the answer, He knows how it will end up and there is already a plan in place to deal with that outcome. If the cancer is gone, yippee, skippy, happity doo dah! If it’s not quite gone, well then, I go to Plan B. Life is all about how you handle Plan B anyway, since how rarely does Plan A ever work out? So my Plan A is, of course, clear. However, I am also a realist and know that the odds of getting an all clear with advanced stage cancer is minimal, so I have surrendered myself to whatever the test will say. If I have to go with Plan B, well then that’s what I will do.
What is Plan B? How the heck do I keep on keeping on? Well, I just do. I do one more round for good measure and then I take a little break to get healthy and then I jump back on the merry-go-round and do it again, this time with even more enthusiasm and less cancer to beat. I know it’s less. I know it hasn’t spread. I don’t know why I know that, I just know. I am not positive it is completely gone, but I know it has been minimized and is on its way out.
So I surrender. I let go and let God control my future and let divine providence play out before me. I never had control anyway. The control that I think that I had is such an illusion. I can control my attitude and how I behave in any given situation, but I cannot control the situation and how the future is going to unfold. I can pray and ask and beg, but God has a plan, and He knows what that plan is going to be. That is a bitter pill for someone who likes to be in control of her life like I do. I want to have a plan and have it laid out before me and know what the next step will be, but this experience has shown me that is not possible. I simply have to let go and roll, let the chips fall where they may, and have a positive attitude when its time to pick up the pieces when they land in a scattered mess.
This does not mean that I give up praying. I think God hears our prayers and considers them. Maybe right now He is thinking….and you are praying for me…and that prayer will have Him set me free of the cancer. Well, then, intercede on my behalf, my faithful prayer warriors, ask God to set me free from cancer. I’m ready.
As difficult as it is to surrender my life, how does it feel to completely surrender others to their own destiny and turn their lives over to God? Especially when that person is your child that you have raised and love so deeply? Surrender means “to give up or give back something that was granted.” God granted this child’s life to me to raise. I have done my job. I have raised him and now its time for me to surrender him back to God. The jury is still out on whether I did a good job raising him, but I did the best I could with the tools I had and the rest is up to him. His destiny, his future, is not in my hands and I have no control over the plan for his life. I have stepped back and surrendered him to God, to the legal system which will control his future, to his own devices, attitudes and decisions which will guide his path. I cannot control anything that is going to happen to him anymore. I don’t think I ever could. The reality of the situation is that it is completely, utterly, absolutely out of my hands. Surrender is truly all I can do.
There is freedom in surrender. There is absolution. Like a weight is lifted and the burdens are set free. I can live with whatever comes my way; I am liberated from the chains of control, the weight of worry. The yoke of fear no longer tight around my neck. I am free.
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