Expectations.

Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations. Like when we expect the lights to be green when we are running late, or for the incredible shoes on clearance to be our size, or for the line we pick at the bank to be the fastest, or to beat metastatic breast cancer in only four months. Yeah, sometimes our expectations simply aren’t realistic.

So, I guess I thought I was superwoman. Okay, I was certain I was superwoman and that I could jump into treatment for metastatic breast cancer and poof, be done with it after only twelve treatments. The reality is that although miracles happen, and they happen everyday, I may have set my goals and expectations a tad too high in relation to the length of treatment and the chance of a cure. So, I gotta get real. Not too real, because I still expect to be superwoman and beat metastatic breast cancer in record time, but realistic enough to fight without getting my hopes, and yours, too elevated. This is an awful disease. The reality is that only 20% of the woman fighting this disease at this stage will actually survive. I won’t even write what the life expectancy is for my type of cancer, because I think it would promote a defeatist attitude and I am not a defeatist, nor am I a statistic. I refuse to let my life be dictated by numbers. I am a woman, a strong woman at that, and I will not be beat down by the law of averages. Triple negative metastatic breast cancer has not met Patty Taylor until recently, and it has met its match. I shall not be beaten by this insidious disease.

My visit with the doctor was very promising. I am responding very very well to treatment. He is thrilled that the lungs are showing such a remarkable improvement. The plan is to do “one more round for good measure” and then take a 3-4 week break from chemo. Then we will start up again and do another 2-3 rounds and then another CT to see where we are. So, my break is going to be right over the holidays, is that cool or what?! I mean if I’m going to get a break, that is the perfect time!

Then there is the little issue of this bone lesion. It is very small. In fact, if there was no corresponding pain, Dr. Rado would question if it is even a lesion. However, since there is some significant pain associated with the spot, he is ordering a bone scan and we will see if it actually is cancer, and if so, if this is the only spot. If it is cancer, during my break from chemo we will do some localized radiation to kill the bastard. Then be done with it. Adios. Sayonara. Cancer be gone. Sounds like a plan.

My blood work was crap. No way around it. And I was actually feeling quite good! I thought my counts were staying up nicely and that I might make it through this round without a transfusion. No such luck. I am having a transfusion today and my white counts are awful. So, my high protein, high iron diet isn’t doing everything I thought it would, but I’ll keep trying. I’ll have my transfusion and take my daily neupogen shots and then fly out on Friday. I am so excited for my trip to San Diego. It’s going to be a wonderful time with my daughter and mother, just what the doctor ordered. Rest, relaxation, love, family, beach, California. Perfect.

I find myself sitting back and wondering if this is all real. Is this really happening to me? I feel the pain in my back and get short of breath and I think, this can’t be true, it can’t be cancer, it must be something else. I am healthy. I eat right, I exercise, I take my vitamins, I meditate and do all the right “stuff” to stay healthy. I cannot have cancer. Not me. ITS JUST NOT REAL. Then I look at my life from the perspective of the outside looking in and I see me standing there, bloated, balding and sick, and I know its true. All of it. I have cancer, and its not good, and I could die from it. Its so surreal. This is not the life I expected.

But I guess none of us are ever given the life we expected. We set our expectations, and then we have to take what is given to us. That is the reality of it. My reality is that I will be fighting this for a while longer, perhaps a long while. And in the meantime, I will continue to make the best of each day and take the best that life has to offer me. I will set my expectations high, because I don’t know how else to live my life, and my expectation is to beat this cancer. I just need to be in the battle a little while longer.