Cancer, a vile and sneaky disease.

Cancer eats away at many things other that your body. It blithely consumes tiny pieces of your spirit in a way where you don’t even notice that it is happening. One day you wake up and realize that a portion of your spirit, your drive, your zest for life has been devoured by this vile disease. It is devious in its methods, it takes the pieces of you so slowly, like a lobster being put to boil in the cold water, that you don’t even notice you are being systematically killed. Piece by priceless piece it gnaws away, and if you aren’t careful, it will take away everything that makes you who you are. Everything that makes you – you. I began to notice it a few weeks ago, the tiredness sets in. And I accepted it. Who wouldn’t be absolutely exhausted after all the things they are throwing into my body. But from the exhaustion comes something else, the apathy, the depression, the indifference to what is going on around me, the lack of hope for a future. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever survive this onslaught and if I do survive this round, how will I survive the next? How will I live with this for the rest of my life? How does someone just go on after facing a crisis like this?

Four years ago it was different. Stage two cancer, they got it all on the first surgery, the rest was just insurance. Eight weeks of chemo, six weeks of radiation. Done. No big deal, never coming back. At least that is what I believed with all my heart. I never though I would ever have to deal with breast cancer again. I was done. Finito. Then, here it is, my five year checkup clearly within my sights, and it is back. With a vengeance. And I wonder how I missed it? How did I not see it coming? Was I living in a fantasy world where I couldn’t be touched by this blackness? Or was I just being ignorant thinking that I was invincible, like a reckless teenage driver?

So, how do I move on from here? How do I ensure my vigilance to stay healthy and positive in a world overflowing with exhaustion and apathy? How do I stave off the uncertainty for my future? How do I garner the strength and the wisdom to soldier on? Where do I find that wellspring of energy deep within me and how do I tap into it and bring if flowing forth?

These are the questions that I am plagued with today and tomorrow and every day. I see where my mind is headed and I don’t like it. I don’t want to fashion the tracks of the tears down my face into permanent imprints. I don’t want the curve of my mouth to be an enduring frown; I don’t want my mind consumed with ennui, with listlessness, with a lack of motivation for my future. I want that fountain of hope that resides deep within me to come bursting forth and consume me with its holy fire. To lift me up; back into the light towards optimism and away from the despair. For the strength of cancer is the despair. Once it gets its teeth in, it’s hard to pry them out. But one by one, I will pry out the fangs of the beast and find within me all that I need to carry on.

To move forward. Towards the glow of a brighter tomorrow.