Carpe Minutam

No chemo for me yesterday, not even with fabulous Betseys. I figured that my platelets didn’t rebound when I was traveling and I was right. I called Mike from the San Diego airport and told him that I doubted I would get chemo because my counts were too low. I can feel it when my counts are low. I get weepy and tired and my body feels incredibly heavy. I was tired the entire time I was in San Diego, I just pushed through the tiredness the best I could, but by Tuesday night I knew that I had overdone it and by Wednesday morning when we were at the airport I was certain. But, I certainly wouldn’t trade the trip for a dose of chemo. It was priceless to have that time with my mom and my daughter. We didn’t do that much, but we were together, and that is what matters. We laughed and ate and shopped and spent time with family. My daughter and I acted like we were at a slumber party while grandma told us to be quiet or we’d wake the neighbors. Priceless. We hunted for ghosts and investigated that old hotel. We actually ran into a security guard who showed us a haunted room and told us the story of the maid who hung herself. Cool. We walked along the beach, watched the sunset, saw the navy seals running, saw the F-16’s and helicopters flying maneuvers, drank coffee while the sun rose and talked about everything and nothing at all. I got to spend time with the two most important women in my life and for that I am grateful. For I do not know when I’ll ever get to do that again. I don’t know what the future holds for me, so I take these moments and treasure them always. Always.

Its moments like these that life is made up of. Is not the big things that make up my life, it’s the things that happen in the flash of the eye of time. It’s not the days or even the hours, it’s the minutes within that time that make up the beauty of my existence. Think about what happens everyday, those interactions with people we love and care about, the sunset, the whiff of a flower, watching the leaf spiral down from the tree, dinner with our families, walking the dogs, a hug, a kiss, a prayer, a catch of the eye, some of these take mere seconds, some only minutes, but none take much time. But these are the things that make our lives worth living, that give our years on this earth meaning and purpose. I think sometimes we are looking for the big things that make our lives worthwhile, when the splendor is in the details, those modest moments that might pass us by if we don’t stop and enjoy them. Treasure the moment it all its glory.

I have my bone scan today and I am scared. No other way to say it. I want to know what it has to say and I don’t want to know what it has to say. I will go see the radiologist after to see if he is in and has time to review the scan with me, but if not, I’m okay with waiting until next week for the report. Part of me just doesn’t want to know. I know if it is cancer, I’ll deal with it and fight it with all I have but a few days of not knowing would be okay with me. I have enough to deal with right now, why add any fuel to this fire that is already burning? I know that Mike will want to find out and he’ll wait until he can hunt down someone to look at it. He has learned how to manipulate the health system as well as I have and has gotten to know the radiologists…so he is very adept at finding what he wants! I am just praying it was an anomaly on the scan and it is nothing and I can go on as I am just fighting the cancer in my lungs. Pray with me, will you?

I get to see Jessie today! Yea! I am picking him up from day care and he is going to spend a few hours with me tonight and then I get to watch him tomorrow morning while Elena is at work. I miss my little guy and he just brightens up my life, I can’t wait to see him! I haven’t seen him since I left last week, which is way too long to go without seeing the best little man in my life!

Off to prepare for my day. Think good thoughts. Carpe minutam – seize the minute. Every one of them.