Just need to buck up, cowgirl.

I have been having a hard time getting out of bed lately. I can’t seem to kick the exhaustion and the general feeling of listlessness. I still know nothing more about my back. I talked to Marlene yesterday, one of Dr. Rado’s ARNP’s, and she said it was very curious, but wanted Dr. Rado (my oncologist) to talk to Dr. Jones (the radiologist) and then Dr. Rado would call me and let me know what they think. What I want to know is 1) is that one spot cancer and 2) why did my ribs break. I don’t think I am asking too much as a patient here, I think it is reasonable to want to know what the hell is going on. My take is that Dr. Rado thinks they are broken ribs so its no big deal. Maybe its not to him, but it is to me. I have never broken a bone in my life, and I certainly want to know how I fractured three ribs without knowing. How do I keep from doing this again? Do I need to be careful, do I need to build up my bone density, take extra calcium? What? But no one is answering me. I am so frustrated. And more than a little scared. If the one spot is cancer, we are doing nothing about it, just letting it grow. That certainly doesn’t make sense to me. Its probably not cancer, probably just a broken bone, but my cancer has not taken any normal turns, why should it act “normal” now?

I’m tired and will be so glad when this round is done and I am off for a month. I don’t know how I would do it much longer. I mean, I would if I had to, but I am certainly ready for some rebounding time. I didn’t feel good going into this round of chemo and I feel even worse now that its started. I could just lay around and do nothing all day and that is just not me. I am not the lay around and do nothing type of person, so that depresses me to have no energy, no drive. I just don’t care. I want to care if my house is clean or my laundry is done, but it just doesn’t matter. I don’t care if the bills get paid or the checkbook gets balanced. I don’t want to go anywhere and I don’t want to do anything. I just want to go to sleep and sleep until this is all over when I can get back up and go back to my life. I worry if my life will still be there when this is all done. Will I still have a job, a relationship, a house? Will I ever wear my regular clothes again or will I be fat forever? Will this cancer ever go away so I can have my life back or is this my new reality now, my new life. Family leave will only protect my job for so long and then what happens? Will I lose my job? My boss has told me he will hold it as long as needed, but there will come a time when they will have to move on too, and will I be well by then or will they have to move on without me? I can’t expect him to hold my job forever and my replacement is doing a terrific job. Hiring her would certainly be easier, and less expensive, then continuing to let me work a few days per week. My family leave will protect me until the Spring, maybe by then this will be all over and this worrying is for nothing. I know it doesn’t do any good to worry, I blogged about that before, but its hard not to when your livelihood is on the line. I need my job. I like my job. I want to keep doing my job.

I am sorry if I have totally depressed you too, that is certainly not my intention to share my melancholy. I'll snap out of it, I always do! I'll get up, get moving, go for a walk, and then I'll feel better.

I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of support. I asked for meals again because I am just too tired to cook, and its been incredible. I have so many thank you notes to write and if you have done something for me and haven’t received a thank you, I apologize. I am behind on writing them, but its not because I don’t appreciate it, its simply because I am tired and haven’t found the energy to do it. But please know that I thank you with all my heart. The food and desserts have been amazing. Thank you thank you thank you. And my daughter thanks you, she was getting sick of macaroni and cheese.

So I will keep my chin up and make it through these next two weeks. I’ll let you know when I know anything about my back. I’m not hopeful that it will be anytime soon. I have an appointment with Marlene on Dec. 3rd and I will push then to know something. In the meantime I am lost in the medical treatment abyss that so many patients get lost in. Since there are way sicker patients out there, I get shoved to the bottom and put in the “this is curious but not serious” pile and just wait. What makes it even more troubling is that I thought my oncologist was also my friend and co-worker. I would do anything for him, I wish he’d take a few minutes for me on this one. I guess I feel like I’m being blown off, and I don’t like it. Welcome to the wonderful world of medical. I think that’s probably how most patients feel. Maybe that’s why there are call patients, because they need a lot of patience to make it through this labyrinth called medical care.

I promise to you to keep my attitude good and positive and that I will make it through. I won’t let any of you down, I am the poster child for positivity, and I just have to buck up, cowgirl. Ride the horse I have drawn, and ride it proud. I'll make it around the barrels, one at a time.