Questions. And more Questions.

How do you let go of a dream?

We have all had to do it, let go of a dream. Let go of something that we have hoped for and dreamed of for years. Suddenly reality becomes evident and the dream is yanked out from under you, unable to be regained. Your life is changed forever when you realize that someone you love is not who you thought, the illusion you have created is shattered into a million tiny pieces that can never be put back together again. The sorrow overwhelms you.

Cancer recovery is a time when you have exceptional clarity of vision. I am looking at my life through a different lens, the rose-colored glasses thrown aside, the realities magnified. It is a time of reevaluation because I am acutely aware that this is the only life, the only future I am going to get, so I’d better make it all I can. I look around me and wonder where I fit in. My life has changed. In the last 10 months my focus has been solely on survival, there was no future, my long term goals weren’t discussed, I worked only to make it to my short term goals, surviving to see my daughter’s 18th birthday and graduation. I have made it. I have survived the onslaught of this horrible disease and I will watch my daughter walk in her cap and gown and receive her diploma. Now what? Where do I go from here?

It’s easy to fall into a depression when cancer treatment is over. You are no longer in the fight, your body is weary and beaten down, and each step towards your future is taken with some trepidation. Is today the day it comes back? Tomorrow? If I make long term commitments will I be able to fulfill them? When will I feel good again? When will the weariness go away, when does the fear abate? When do I get to walk with strength and confidence again, firmly ensconced in my survival. How do I retrofit my current life to fit my new one? Where IS my new life, what does it include? Who do I surround myself with? How do I rebuild? The questions fire at you like from a machine gun, coming faster and faster until you can no longer even make out the words anymore, you just know that they keep coming. Question after question after question about the future. How can anyone ever answer them all? The pressure is overwhelming and weariness overcomes you, and you fight to stay upright, fight to not slide back into the darkness of depression. The covers pulled over your head tightly against the realities of the world.

I have spent my time with my head under the covers. Wondering where I go from here, how do I put my life together again. Where do I fit in? Where do I want my focus? Who do I want to be surrounded by in this life? I am determined to not let it overwhelm me. I am facing so many obstacles, countless decisions. There are scores of unknowns that must be clarified, and dreams that must be given up or readjusted. This is my one and only life, I need to make it all I can. So I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, praying for healing and health. Making each decision based on the hope for a long and fulfilling future.