Decisions and Changes

It’s been an up and down week. Physically, I feel pretty good; I’m not too fatigued and have been able to work all day every day. It’s a great feeling to be back at work.

The difficult part of the week has been making decisions at work about my work status and my benefits. I am almost out of sick leave and I have to decide how to proceed, to continue working or go on full disability. Either way, my job changes and although I am no longer protected by family leave, my wonderful boss has continued to guarantee my position. However, I will no longer be the primary person handling my job. When I leave for chemo next week Wendy officially becomes the primary person in my position, and I support her. She will be moving into my office and I will work in the conference room or whatever space I can commandeer when I am at work. I am so appreciative of all that Kadlec has done for me and my boss is amazing, holding my job long after he is required to and allowing me to continue to work whenever I am able. But it is hard to step aside, to give up my office that I have called home for so many years. It has really hit me hard and has resulted in more than a few tears. I worked so hard creating that position, establishing myself, implementing the processes that make the boards run smoothly. Now because of this despicable cancer I have to step aside and let someone else do the job. I have become secondary.

I wonder if it wouldn’t be better if I just stepped aside completely and went on full disability. My continued work makes my benefits more complicated and costly, but working is such a part of me, I can’t imagine not continuing to work when I can. I can’t imagine just staying at home and being sick, resigning myself to this illness. I want to work as long as I possibly can.

So over the next few days I will begin taking all the personal belongings that I have accumulated home so that next Wednesday when I leave, Wendy can move in. It will be a sad and difficult day for me. I am staying focused on the positive which is the fact that I still have a job when I get well and I am still able to work when I can. Most people in my position aren’t as lucky.

I am ready to get away for a few days with Mike and just forget about all the stresses of regular life and all the decisions that have to be made. I want this to just be done, for this cancer to be over. I want my life back. The life that I had before, but I know that life is gone, never to be regained. The future is uncertain. I’ll try to just focus on getting through tomorrow. Better things have to await me.

A Little About Tapteal

As always, Eric Tingstad and Nancy Rumble put on an excellent show. Not only was the music great but they were on their game filled with their one of a kind humor and wit as well as their dedication to a great cause. The night benefitted the Tapteal Greenway Association and if you are local and are not aware of what this non-profit does, you should really check them out at www.tapteal.org. They are responsible for preserving a lot of our open spaces and creating a trail system that encompasses all of the Tri-Cities with goals of connecting into West Richland and Benton City. I am a huge fan of Tapteal for their work down at Amon Creek Basin, which is only a few blocks from my house. Thanks to their efforts they have saved over 100 acres in the Amon Basin as a natural preserve and are now working to save another 125 from residential development that will encroach on the natural wilderness. This is the area where I walk my dogs and I would love to see it saved from future development. Tapteal is committed to preserving open spaces all around the area, saving it for future generations. Who couldn’t support that?! If you aren’t aware of what they do, check them out and I encourage you to get involved. Mike and I have gone on one of their workdays, and it was very rewarding. I plan on continued involvement as soon as my health allows!

I’m feeling better today than yesterday, so every day seems to be an improvement. I felt tired and achy yesterday, sort of weak, and today is a little better. I still woke up with my legs aching at about 4am so I had to take a pain pill in the middle of the night and again this morning, but the pills are managing the discomfort and keeping me going. The nausea is completely gone and my appetite is back and I’m ready for some superbowl munchies!!

Mike and I are planning on stopping by a friend’s house today where they are having a superbowl/retirement party for Dr. Bob Margulies. Bob has been a great friend of mine throughout the years and I look forward to seeing him. I am sad he is leaving our hospital but know he is going to continue to stay involved in the community through Camp Patriot and his work with disaster planning. He is a gem in this community, I’m glad he is staying around town! Then we will stop by my parents house to visit and rumor has it that mom is making sausage balls. I can’t miss that! Then I will get home in plenty of time to get ready for the week of working. I don’t really care about the superbowl or who wins. I am pulling for the Saints, just because I think New Orleans needs something good to happen to them. But mostly, I’m there to enjoy the company of my friends and family and watch the commercials.

I’m getting really excited about the upcoming trip to the coast. We are planning on going to Cannon Beach for pizza and then to the Coaster’s Theatre on Saturday night, which is always a great little show. Sunday night there is a romantic dinner at the Arch Cape Inn where we are staying. Somewhere during the weekend we will drive down to Oceanside and have lunch at our favorite little sandwich shop on the beach, Brewin in the Wind. Sometime we will hit Manzanita, which I love, but mostly just enjoy each others company. Mike and I don’t get enough alone time, between his busy schedule and my home, work and health, so I am looking forward to this uninterrupted time of just the two of us. If I don’t come back on Monday night…well you’ll know where I am…I just couldn’t leave!!

Enjoy the day, cherish the time with friends and family. Who cares who wins, its all about the journey anyway.

More Good News

Is there a way to teach your dogs how to wipe their paws when they come in the door?

I have to say I’m getting sort of tired of this west-side weather, although it was nice to see the sun break through today. The constant rain has done a number on my floors with Sophie traipsing in and out with her giant muddy paws. I have permanent dirty paw prints from the doggy door in the basement, across the carpet and up the stairs. I think its time to put in a runner or something before she completely destroys my carpet. It’s not the highest quality carpet in the world, but I can’t afford to replace it right now, so it’s all it got! I think I might look into having it professionally cleaned and then purchasing runners that follow her path. The hard wood floors are a completely different beast, they require constant sweeping, but at least those monster paws of hers don’t cause permanent damage. Just continual dirt dirt dirt. It’s impossible to keep clean.

I saw Dr. Rado yesterday and we had a wonderful visit. I always enjoy seeing him; I just wish I was seeing him for personal rather than professional advice. There was a lot of good news yesterday…my platelets have doubled and while they are still not stellar, they are much better at 47. My white counts however have continued to drop and rather than being moderately neutropenic, I have become severely neutropenic. He believes they will rebound on their own, but I am going to the Tingstad and Rumble concert tonight, so he went ahead and prophylactically gave me a shot of neupogen to boost my white counts since I am going to be around people, elbow to elbow at the concert.

The really good news is that the drug that I didn’t make it into the clinical trial for is on the fast track for FDA approval. The clinical trials have gone so well that they are working to get the drug approved as soon as possible. Once approved, it will be the first drug specifically for triple negative breast cancer patients. I am really excited about this development, there is still so much to hope for!

The other good news is that we are not going to start the Xeloda this next round. He wants to try to make some changes managing the side effects to see if he can keep me from being so sick from the Ixempra before adding the Xeloda. So hopefully this next round, which starts Feb. 18th, will not put me in bed for a week. Hopefully the new plan will minimize the side effects. If so, then we will add in the Xeloda on the round that starts on March 11th.

I got to go see Houston today and he is out of jail in just over a week; his release date is Feb. 14th. I am struggling with whether or not to let him stay here until he can get into the housing program. He was going to stay with some friends of the family, but they have not confirmed him staying there, and I can’t bear the thought of him having no where to go. I wish I knew what to do to help him. I want to be there for him, but at the same time not do too much to where he cannot succeed on his own. I want to assist him without enabling him, and that is a very fine line. I’m praying and asking God to guide me to do the right thing, it’s so hard to know what the right thing is in this instance.

I am trusting in God, that is all I can do. Really, that’s all any of us can do.

Feeling Great!

Its been a pretty stellar week. I have been able to work every day putting in almost full days. I feel like I have a handle on my job again, which is a great feeling. Wendy is really getting the hang of the work that she is doing and is right there to back me up in the event that I have to step out again, which I will next round of chemo. I am already preparing for it, knowing that once I get that next round on Feb. 18th I can count myself out for 8-10 days. At least this time I’m prepared for it. Last time I didn’t know it would put me out like that, so I wasn’t ready. This time I’m ready.

We are also adding the Xeloda this time, which will make it doubly hard. The major side effect of that drug (other than the great flu-like symptoms which all of these seem to have) is that your hands and feet blister. Have I told you about that yet? If I have, sorry, my brain is going. Xeloda is another nasty drug. It is an oral, rather than an IV chemo, so people think it is not as harsh as other chemo drugs. That is a terrible misconception. This drug has just as many, if not worse, side effects as the IV therapies I have received. This one affects the red counts and cause anemia, which in turn causes fatigue, and I have been lucky this round to not suffer from too much fatigue once I got past the first 10 days. It also causes skin rashes, flushing and radiation recall, which is the weirdest phenomenon I have ever heard about. The skin that has been radiated reacts like it is being radiated again. Is that the craziest thing? My skin is still not healed from the radiation I just had, so I can’t wait to see what it does on Xeloda! Then there is the normal nausea and vomiting (all of them cause that) and then the best of them all…hand-foot syndrome. Apparently with hand-foot syndrome or PPE (which is an acronym for its medical name) it is “skin rash, swelling, redness, pain and/or peeling of the skin on the palms of hands and soles of feet.” Wow. I can’t even imagine this one. It is beyond my comprehension.

What happens with my heels? How do I wear fabulous shoes when the soles of my feet are blistered? This is a potential tragedy of biblical proportions! Okay, maybe not that bad, but in my world, pretty bad. I have a lot of fabulous shoes, and I enjoy wearing them, they are part of me, and now this frickin chemo is taking that away too!!!

God, I hate cancer.

Oh well, what do you do? You buck up and suffer through knowing this too shall pass. I see Dr. Rado today and we will hash out the details this battle of the war, but I believe I will be doing two more rounds (each 3 weeks apart) then have another CT and see where we are at. I am praying for a clear CT. I am ready to be done with this. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready.

I have had a few people ask me how I got through the last round when I was so sick, and I have to share; you just do it. Like Nike, just do it. You don’t have a choice. Everyone handles things differently, but I just closed my eyes and waited for the day to pass, having the faith that it would pass, and the next day would be better (sometime it wasn’t) and when it wasn’t, then close my eyes and wait for that day to pass too, having faith that it WILL get better, I just had to wait it out.

Some friends say they couldn’t do it. And though I would never wish this on anyone, not even my enemies (not that I actually have enemies, but you know what I mean) if this crisis struck you, you too would make it through. You would find the faith to persevere, the strength to keep walking. We all have it, we just have to tap into that power, the power of God deep within each of us. It’s the life force that keeps us going, even when going seems impossible.

So whatever you are going through in your life, and everyone has crisis that they are handling, no one is immune, rely on the power that is within you, have faith, you will make it through.

New Shoes and No Hair

Well, so far my week is going pretty well. I’m feeling fairly good and have even had a successful shoe shopping expedition. I continue to feel a little achy but am down to a minimum of pain medication. The nausea comes and goes, but is mostly gone.

Peyton and I stopped by The Buckle yesterday because they were having a shoe sale and we wanted to ensure that I wasn’t caught without a new pair of shoes for my next chemo. That would be terrible, and God bless my daughter for making sure such a tragedy did not occur! Hard to believe, but we were successful in finding not only one, but TWO, yes count em, TWO new pairs of heels. One pair I am “allowed” to wear now and the other has been safely hidden away awaiting the next round of chemo. They are fabulous. Pink and black, too incredibly cute!

My hair started falling out on Monday. I tried to do my hair for work and while styling it I ended up with a handful of hair. I knew it was time to just cut to the chase and get rid of it. I could probably have held on for a few more days, maybe even weeks, gingerly handling my hair and ensuring that it didn’t fall out too fast and stayed on my head, but really, what’s the point? Just get rid of if. One less thing to worry about. I always said that hair was overrated anyway. Peyton had an appointment this morning to get some purple streaks put in her hair, so while she was processing, Reynel shaved my head. It looks pretty good, just like I have a butch cut. Now I look like a biker chick.

Everyday I feel better and better and even made it to the gym today! Can you believe it! I am having a hard time sleeping so I was thinking I’m probably not get enough (any) exercise. So I went to the gym and walked a mile on the treadmill. I figure if I could do that on a regular basis between now and the next chemo I’ll be stronger going into the treatment and hopefully handle it better.

I’m working to improve my diet and was thinking it might be time to go vegetarian again. The evidence is out there to certainly suggest that vegetarianism improves your cancer risk. It’s hard, because people are so kind to bring me food three days per week, so I hate to ask people to cook vegetarian when they aren’t used to it. Especially since my daughter is definitely NOT a vegetarian! So I’m going to just move as much in that direction on my own as I can. I won’t change what people bring but will modify the food I feed myself.

Life is good and I know it’s going to keep getting better and better.

Update on my counts.

Just thought I’d post a quick update on my counts. Certainly not stellar, I was hoping that they would hold up a little bit better.

White Blood Count: 2.2 (normal 4.0-11.0)
Hemoglobin: 11.1 (normal 11.6-15.5)
Hematocrit: 32.9 (normal 35.0-46.0)
Platelets: 25.0 (normal 150-400)
ANC: .09 (normal 1.5-8.0)

Of biggest concern is the white blood count, the ANC and the platelets. But for right now we will just wait and let them rebound on their own, unless they get worse. I have an appointment with Dr. Rado on Friday so we’ll check the counts again then. In the meantime I have to be careful to reduce or eliminate my exposure to people with any communicable disease (colds, flus, etc). With low platelets I want to be careful not to cut myself or hit anything hard (such as my head or a fall down the stairs). So I want to make sure not to be a klutz!

I was hoping this chemo would not be quite as hard on my platelets, but I guess I couldn't be that lucky. Glad I have a long rest period between my chemos this time.

So I will rest, watch my company and be careful!

Pride.

“Anchors Aweigh my boys, anchors aweigh, farewell to college joys we sail at the break of day.”

That was the part of the suite of songs that were sung as we proudly honored my father and the other men and women who have served or are serving in our armed forces. Personally, I am so proud of our service men and women, it brings tears to my eyes to think of them. My good friend’s daughter, dear sweet Kami, is currently serving as a proud Marine and I pray for her safety everyday. It was a wonderful show yesterday, culminating in a revue of some of our countries most patriotic songs. It is amazing how the country was united back in the 1940’s, they all listened to the same music, danced to the same songs, were battling the same enemy. These days it seems the enemy is all among us and he wears various masks. We are a country divided not only among party lines, but by music and beliefs. The enemy is not just across the seas, but also the young man around the corner with a gun in his hands and drugs in his pocket. Our enemy is within our walls, and we better find a way to battle him, lest we all be lost.

The show warmed my heart and gave me hope that we again can unite our country. We will once again be a strong America. I am not sure how we are going to get there, and I have serious doubts about those currently in leadership, but I think the heart of the American people is strong and true, and we will overcome.

I keep feeling better and better. I have to be very careful what I eat. Not only do things continue to taste funny, but a lot of food does not agree with me very well. So I’m trying to stick with bland, easier to digest foods. I still get tired awful easy and want to sleep much later than I can. I find that at 7am when it is time to get up, my body is deep in sleep and is more than ready to continue her slumber!

I will get my blood tested today and we will know more about how this chemo is affecting me molecularly and what it is doing to my bone marrow. It is supposed to be hard on my white cells, but I noticed a weird bruise on my stomach yesterday and wondered if maybe my platelets aren’t going to be affected too. We will wait and see.

Off to get ready for work. Enjoy your day. It’s a day worth enjoying!