Decisions and Changes

It’s been an up and down week. Physically, I feel pretty good; I’m not too fatigued and have been able to work all day every day. It’s a great feeling to be back at work.

The difficult part of the week has been making decisions at work about my work status and my benefits. I am almost out of sick leave and I have to decide how to proceed, to continue working or go on full disability. Either way, my job changes and although I am no longer protected by family leave, my wonderful boss has continued to guarantee my position. However, I will no longer be the primary person handling my job. When I leave for chemo next week Wendy officially becomes the primary person in my position, and I support her. She will be moving into my office and I will work in the conference room or whatever space I can commandeer when I am at work. I am so appreciative of all that Kadlec has done for me and my boss is amazing, holding my job long after he is required to and allowing me to continue to work whenever I am able. But it is hard to step aside, to give up my office that I have called home for so many years. It has really hit me hard and has resulted in more than a few tears. I worked so hard creating that position, establishing myself, implementing the processes that make the boards run smoothly. Now because of this despicable cancer I have to step aside and let someone else do the job. I have become secondary.

I wonder if it wouldn’t be better if I just stepped aside completely and went on full disability. My continued work makes my benefits more complicated and costly, but working is such a part of me, I can’t imagine not continuing to work when I can. I can’t imagine just staying at home and being sick, resigning myself to this illness. I want to work as long as I possibly can.

So over the next few days I will begin taking all the personal belongings that I have accumulated home so that next Wednesday when I leave, Wendy can move in. It will be a sad and difficult day for me. I am staying focused on the positive which is the fact that I still have a job when I get well and I am still able to work when I can. Most people in my position aren’t as lucky.

I am ready to get away for a few days with Mike and just forget about all the stresses of regular life and all the decisions that have to be made. I want this to just be done, for this cancer to be over. I want my life back. The life that I had before, but I know that life is gone, never to be regained. The future is uncertain. I’ll try to just focus on getting through tomorrow. Better things have to await me.