Day Two

Well I survived day two with a moderate amount of discomfort. I am extremely fatigued and queasy most of the time, but don’t really feel like I’m going to throw up, just queasy, which is survivable. My limbs are incredibly heavy and I find it difficult to do much more than lay around and doze and watch TV. I tried to stay up and watch the Olympics last night, but instead recorded them and went to bed, where I slept soundly for the next 12 hours. My body is fairly achy, mostly in my legs, but again not as extreme as last time. I am overwhelmingly weak. I still get short of breath very easily but am taking the ativan to try to loosen up the chest, reminding myself that this it is all in my head. Sometimes it feels better. I try not to dwell on all the issues that are facing me, I try not to think of all that this cancer has taken away. That helps to keep the tears at bay, at least for awhile. I find that I spend most of my moments dangerously close to tears that threaten to break down the wall and leave me crumbling in a puddle of full blown sobs. The tears just want to come. I want to grieve all that I have lost, the tasks I can no longer accomplish and mourn the dreams that are quietly fading into the distance. The reality is that mere tears will not wash away this sadness, only time can heal the loss.

So I pray for strength. And I know I have it within me to get through this, I know I have the peace and the power that passes all understanding, I just have to tap into it and claim it as my own. I know God is with me and He is watching over me and that He will never leave me or forsake me. I am not alone, I have legions of friends praying for me and offering their hearts and hands and their loving arms. And I feel them stretching out their love to me and I feel the Lord orchestrating the dance which is my healing.

And heal I will. I know that there is healing in my future. I just have to find the strength to get to that finish line. Maybe just a few more rounds will find my body cancer free. Or only a few more after that. And until then, I have to keep my chin up, my attitude positive and keep plugging away towards the goal. I cannot allow the darkness that threatens to overtake me swallow me into his gut; for I fear if I go there I may never return. So I cling to the light. I cling to the promise of hope and a better day. I cleave to the hearts and the souls of my friends and hold stalwartly to the hands of God. For ultimately, He is my solace and my redemption and when the end comes, He shall walk with me to the other side. I just pray for an ending that is a long way from today. I would like to live long enough to grow old.

For Valentines Day I made Mike a “hopes and dreams” jar where I put in my hopes and dreams for our future. My daughter told me it was a hokey gift, but I did it anyway. It wasn’t filled with trips to exotic places (okay maybe a few trips) but mostly with everyday activities of growing old together. Remising of days gone by, creating memories, sharing laughter. That is what a life is built on, the simple things, the everyday exchanges. The smiles, the laughter, the shared tears of sorrow and joy. Building memory upon memory and looking back on them with tenderness and delight.

And so that is my dream, to keep building my life. I have a wonderful life that I look back on so far. It is full to the rim with love and laughter and friends and family, but I want to make it overflow. I want to live long enough to where there is so much wonderful in my life that the cup simply can’t contain it all and it flows down the sides and across the counters and on to the floor where it sloshes on everyone who comes in contact with it. I want a life filled to overfilling.

And so that is my prayer for today. That I get to live a life fulfilled. To make it through this darkness and back into the light, where the laughter abounds and smiles abide in all. I see it; it’s just around the corner. I am sure I can make it, just one step at a time. I may need your hands to steady me and keep me going, but I have faith they are there, reaching out to me.