Waiting.

Waiting. That’s what I am sitting and doing right now. Waiting for the results of a CT scan. But let me back up for a moment.

I dressed in my fabulous shoes and went to the cancer center for my appointment with Dr. Rado which was to be followed by chemo. We got the results of my pulmonary function test which showed that I had a normal flow of oxygen in and out of my lungs. Good pulmonary function is not indicative of pulmonary fibrosis. It is possible I have some moderate pulmonary fibrosis, but it is not the cause of my shortness of breath. Listening to my lungs they sound good, and a walk around the office hooked up to a pulse-ox machine indicated continued good oxygenation of my blood, even if it left me short of breath. So, rather than go ahead with the chemo, Dr. Rado wanted to do a chest CT scan and rule out any pulmonary embolism. I was scheduled for my CT at noon and they indicated that the results would be called into Dr. Rado within the hour following the test.

I checked with Michelle, Dr. Rado’s nurse, about 2pm and she had not heard anything but indicated that the results would have been called in directly to Dr. Rado. She promised to catch up with him, obtain the results and call me back. It is almost 4pm and I have yet to hear anything. I suppose I could take this as good news. If it was bad, I am sure that they would have called me back by now, so I am going on the assumption that there is no pulmonary embolism, but looked forward to hearing that definitively.

So that still begs the question..why am I short of breath? I have been concerned that perhaps it is all in my head, but Mike said he definitely notices it when I am talking and I have to stop and take a breath in the middle of a sentence. So it may be in my head but manifesting itself in a very real way. The last two weeks have been incredibly stressful. I can’t even express how hard it has been to make the transition at work, but on top of that there are all the decisions that have to be made regarding my life insurance and health insurance benefits, not to mention the time frames involved, how long I am eligible, what happens under various scenarios. I am the only one who can make these decisions; no one can make them for me. It’s more than just moving out of my office, there is a whole host of stressors behind it that would throw any person for a loop under ordinary circumstances, but add in the daily stress of fighting cancer, as well as some personal challenges I have been facing…and we may have a recipe for disaster. Perhaps this is all anxiety driven. I would have thought it would have gone away at the coast when I was relaxed on the beach, but when that kind of stress is sitting there in the back recesses of your brain, they probably don’t go away with the simple roll of a wave. No matter how beautiful.

So I wait. The plan is to move forward with chemo tomorrow. I am praying that my breathing normalizes and that this round goes a little bit smoother than the last one. I’ll keep you posted.