Results Received

The results have been received and are wonderful news. All the tests came back clear, no pulmonary embolism, no tumors, no pneumonia. That is great news and I was certainly relieved to hear it.

But that brings it back to the “what” is causing the shortness of breath, which is very real. It leaves me with the diagnoses of anxiety. I guess all that has been going on in the last few weeks has been taking its toll on me in ways that I don’t understand. I know all these decisions are overwhelming and frightening. And as a single parent, I am the only one that can make these decisions for my family, it is on my shoulders and I just pray I am choosing correctly. My family depends on it. I am terrified of losing my benefits. However, I feel weak and stupid that I wasted so many people’s time, energy and spent all that money to find out that basically I’m a wimp. I need to buck up and deal with it. I am embarrassed that I had my caregivers so concerned over nothing. So what happens next time? Is this is like the boy who called wolf. I called wolf and it was nothing, next time why bother and why try to believe in it?

This balance is so hard. I don’t want to whine about every ache and pain, but I have to identify the ones that might be dangerous. Which ones are those? How do I discern which pain is the one to pay attention to? I was so scared, I couldn’t breathe and it ended up being nothing. But last time when my back hurt and they thought it was nothing, it was cancer. So it goes both ways. I will just have to learn to move past this.

So I will have chemo tomorrow. Again, I hope that the symptoms are managed better and I’m not too sick.