An Apology

I want to apologize for being a winey martyr last night. A good friend put in perspective for me today, that if this was happening to a friend, would I be calling her a wimp and criticizing her for not being able to deal with the challenges in her life? Absolutely not. I would be taking her in my arms and showing her love and compassion for all she is going through. I would be telling her it is okay, I understand how incredibly overwhelmed she is and assure her that it will get better, she will make it through. I would not chastise her for wasting valuable time from the doctors and nurses, I would be applauding her for letting her symptoms being known and taking the time to identify what was and was not causing the issues.

Most of all I would love her and encourage her. I would reach my hand and my heart to her, giving all I have of both.

But for some reason I am harder on myself and expect so much more from my own body and emotions. I have my moments of weakness and fear, but I try very hard to not let them show, to make sure that the “world” sees me with a smile on my face and the ultimate strength flowing through every move. A positive attitude that never leaves is the modus operandi that I operate under.

So forgive me for forgetting that I too have human weakness and human fears and for criticizing myself too harshly when those emotions come shining through. If I look at all that has been happening in the last few weeks I wonder if anyone else could have handled it any better. Stress is stress. No matter how easy one might deal with it, eventually it will get its claws in you and pull you down. The key, is to let go and get back up.

So that is what I am trying to do now. Pull myself together and get back up. I remain completely overwhelmed and frightened. Not so much for my health, but for all the periphery things that are happening at work regarding my job and my benefits, my relationship, my son. Then there are all the “little things”. The car needs washed, the bills need paid, the checkbook needs balanced, the house needs cleaned, the laundry needs done, I have 8 bags of “stuff” from my office that need to be sorted through, I have Christmas decorations that have not been put away…these are just to name a few. When you have cancer everything gets behind and it gets so overwhelming. How do you keep up on your daily tasks when you are barely making it through the day?

Yard work is just around the corner and my puppy has destroyed my yard. It breaks my heart and I don’t even know how to begin to fix it. So I hope to get out there in a few weeks and start repairs. She digs. A lot. I guess I can get grateful that she has given me an opportunity to be outside and to do a lot of redesigning of my flower beds.

So forgive me my friends if I let you down. My intention is to never be negative and self-loathing. I want to bring to the world a sense of hope and positivity. But sometimes, when I am lacking in those emotions, I need to be reminded of how to behave.

Thanks Heidi. I’m pulling it together. And I’ll be much kinder on myself. I promise.