Both Sad and Wonderful News

It was a sad and wonderful day. I am overwhelmed with emotions. Let’s start with the good news.

My lungs are considered clear so there is no cancer remaining in my body, except for small unseen particles which may be there just waiting to take hold again. But there are no discernable tumors. Dr. Rado said it’s nothing short of amazing that I have gone from lungs covered with cancer to no tumors at all. Maybe I will make the 5% that survival rate after all. He is still concerned about the tumor in my brain. It is shrinking but not fast enough and if he sees any growth at all, he will send me to Seattle for Gammaknife to get rid of it. He cannot tell if it is a dead or alive tumor so to be safe he wants to go ahead and do chemo through the end of the year and check again in January with a full CT and MRI to see the status. I would hope that I would improve so much I’ll be able to stop chemo and wait 3-4 months before testing again and see if it comes back without the chemo. We can only hope and pray.

I heard from my boss while I was receiving my chemo and is where my heart-wrenching sad news comes. We had a nice visit, he has had some health challenges also and I was so glad to hear he is doing well. However, with my status change at Kadlec to full disability the time has come to sever the relationship further and turn in my blackberry, laptop, badge and disconnect my kadlecmed email. It breaks my heart. Those things have been my lifeline to my previous life, checking email a few times a week, hearing what is going on, that we had a successful DOH survey, or we are having a jewelry sale, a flag raising, a fundraiser, or the other employee’s planetree experiences. I hear from my fellow employees regularly who think of me and shoot me an email to check in on my status. I have personal email, but I know it’s easier for people to just send it to that work address that they already have. So that lifeline is going away. The length of this disability is becoming more and more real as my former life slips away and I settle into the world of cancer. I knew this was going to happen, it was inevitable, the job could only wait so long, and the reality is I was never going to be able to handle the job again anyway. But this makes it so real. This disease has taken away my job that I love so much, the people that I work with, the things that I do best. Cancer is a taker, it takes and takes and takes until it takes your life or you kill the beast. There is no in-between. My heart breaks, the tears flow freely and I mourn the passing of an era in my life. I will pray with all my heart and soul that once I beat this disease there will still be a place for me somewhere at Kadlec, my home away from home, with my family, my friends. So if you are reading this and you want to stay connected with me, my email is pattysuetaylor@gmail.com. Feel free to share, I love to hear from my friends. I am also on facebook, but not very religiously, maybe once a week or so.

So I am sad and I will mourn, and in time; it will pass. But the reality of the job I did will continue in my heart. The 58 board members that I took on as my own and loved each and every one of them remains connected to my soul. The faces of my managers and co-workers are permanently etched into the window panes of my memories. The events, the hours, the camaraderie, the love we all shared, that will remain with me always. I will never forget those who I loved at a place I called home. You are my heroes, my friends, safely ensconced in the confines of my heart where you memory will remain safe.

Just another challenge that I knew was coming, but was hoping it was somewhere out there in the future. Far away. That I could hold on status quo for a while longer and pretend there is a connection continuing, when I know it has to be broken. I will keep my chin up and my attitude good, moving forward with faith that what will be will be and that someday, I’ll go home. No matter where home may be.