Day Two

Well I survived day two with a moderate amount of discomfort. I am extremely fatigued and queasy most of the time, but don’t really feel like I’m going to throw up, just queasy, which is survivable. My limbs are incredibly heavy and I find it difficult to do much more than lay around and doze and watch TV. I tried to stay up and watch the Olympics last night, but instead recorded them and went to bed, where I slept soundly for the next 12 hours. My body is fairly achy, mostly in my legs, but again not as extreme as last time. I am overwhelmingly weak. I still get short of breath very easily but am taking the ativan to try to loosen up the chest, reminding myself that this it is all in my head. Sometimes it feels better. I try not to dwell on all the issues that are facing me, I try not to think of all that this cancer has taken away. That helps to keep the tears at bay, at least for awhile. I find that I spend most of my moments dangerously close to tears that threaten to break down the wall and leave me crumbling in a puddle of full blown sobs. The tears just want to come. I want to grieve all that I have lost, the tasks I can no longer accomplish and mourn the dreams that are quietly fading into the distance. The reality is that mere tears will not wash away this sadness, only time can heal the loss.

So I pray for strength. And I know I have it within me to get through this, I know I have the peace and the power that passes all understanding, I just have to tap into it and claim it as my own. I know God is with me and He is watching over me and that He will never leave me or forsake me. I am not alone, I have legions of friends praying for me and offering their hearts and hands and their loving arms. And I feel them stretching out their love to me and I feel the Lord orchestrating the dance which is my healing.

And heal I will. I know that there is healing in my future. I just have to find the strength to get to that finish line. Maybe just a few more rounds will find my body cancer free. Or only a few more after that. And until then, I have to keep my chin up, my attitude positive and keep plugging away towards the goal. I cannot allow the darkness that threatens to overtake me swallow me into his gut; for I fear if I go there I may never return. So I cling to the light. I cling to the promise of hope and a better day. I cleave to the hearts and the souls of my friends and hold stalwartly to the hands of God. For ultimately, He is my solace and my redemption and when the end comes, He shall walk with me to the other side. I just pray for an ending that is a long way from today. I would like to live long enough to grow old.

For Valentines Day I made Mike a “hopes and dreams” jar where I put in my hopes and dreams for our future. My daughter told me it was a hokey gift, but I did it anyway. It wasn’t filled with trips to exotic places (okay maybe a few trips) but mostly with everyday activities of growing old together. Remising of days gone by, creating memories, sharing laughter. That is what a life is built on, the simple things, the everyday exchanges. The smiles, the laughter, the shared tears of sorrow and joy. Building memory upon memory and looking back on them with tenderness and delight.

And so that is my dream, to keep building my life. I have a wonderful life that I look back on so far. It is full to the rim with love and laughter and friends and family, but I want to make it overflow. I want to live long enough to where there is so much wonderful in my life that the cup simply can’t contain it all and it flows down the sides and across the counters and on to the floor where it sloshes on everyone who comes in contact with it. I want a life filled to overfilling.

And so that is my prayer for today. That I get to live a life fulfilled. To make it through this darkness and back into the light, where the laughter abounds and smiles abide in all. I see it; it’s just around the corner. I am sure I can make it, just one step at a time. I may need your hands to steady me and keep me going, but I have faith they are there, reaching out to me.

The Next Round Begins

Well the new round is in. The side effects are creeping up on me and we are going to work through this new regimen and hope it is better. I am on a much stronger anti-nausea medicine that I received IV yesterday and will take a pill today and one tomorrow. Also, rather than getting the super dose neulasta I will be getting four shots of neupogen and on the fifth shot go have it at the cancer center and check my white counts. If they are down, we do more neupogen. We can do neupogen every day if we need to. It just really puts a burden on Mike. I have to get it around the same time everyday, noonish, so he has to be available to give me the shot. I should probably learn to give them to myself so as to not be such an intrusion into his day. I have received so many of these, I am sure I could give it to myself; I’d just have to buck up and do it. He says he doesn’t mind, but I know how busy he is.

I am keeping a diary of the pills that I am taking, what time I am taking them and how I feel at that time so that I can remember better when I talk to Dr. Rado how I did this round. It’s probably something that I should have been doing all along, however, with this particular chemo being so arduous; it’s a very good idea. Then at the end of the three weeks we will know whether or not my body is able to handle adding in the new drug.

So, my friends, I plug on through. I sit and enjoy my fireplace and a cup of coffee. I am really enjoying the coffee since I don’t know for how many more days I’ll be able to drink coffee. Once the nausea seriously sets in, the coffee stops. That’s how you know that I am really sick; I quit drinking coffee in the morning!

I continue to do quite a bit of work from home and am glad that I have that ability to work from here. My hourly status starts Monday, so it’s going to be a new experience to clock in and clock out during my work day. If all goes well, my disability will pick up the hours that I don’t work and I should get a check for February’s non-worked hours in Mid March and March’s non-worked hours in Mid-April. Those will be the hardest months, but somehow I’ll make it through. Hopefully in March I’ll get a clear CT scan, this will all be for nothing and I’ll get to go back to work full time. And I will have worried for naught.

My group health and life insurance ends Feb. 28th. So in March I have to buy back my health and dental benefits and am working on converting part of my life insurance and cashing out the rest. Its really stressful wondering how it’s all going to work, can I afford it, knowing I must afford it. Then knowing that I am only eligible to buy my benefits for 18 months is even more frightening. So I have to either be well or on full-disability by that time. Like I have said, there is so much to be concerned about. It is truly overwhelming.

My son is living with friends and seems to be doing well. I am so grateful that they have opened up their hearts and home to him as well as providing him with a job. It is truly going to make all the difference in the world. He has worked with his fines and got them all down to the lowest possible payment and has hopefully found a way to get his license back. That would be a huge deal. I get to see him quite a bit. He stopped by yesterday to say hi and check on how I was doing. It’s nice to see him out of jail and free. I just hope he can take the lessons he learned and use them to improve his life. He is on the right path now; I hope he can stay there. My heart aches for him, as only a mothers heart could ache. I love him so much, despite anything and everything he has done, as only a mother can continue to love amidst so much controversy. Mother’s love is just endless and complete. We hurt when our children hurt, no matter how old they are, we ache for their mishaps and broken hearts. But I can only stand back and hope that he continues to walk the right path, I cannot force him to stay there.

I’ll check in with you all later and let you know how this round of chemo is progressing. I sure hope it goes better than last time. I don’t mind feeling a little puny, but sure don’t want to be sick in bed for days on end. Time will tell. But, if this is what I have to do to put this cancer in its place, then I will go through it. One day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time. But I’ll make it through.

Pray for strength and peace in my heart.

An Apology

I want to apologize for being a winey martyr last night. A good friend put in perspective for me today, that if this was happening to a friend, would I be calling her a wimp and criticizing her for not being able to deal with the challenges in her life? Absolutely not. I would be taking her in my arms and showing her love and compassion for all she is going through. I would be telling her it is okay, I understand how incredibly overwhelmed she is and assure her that it will get better, she will make it through. I would not chastise her for wasting valuable time from the doctors and nurses, I would be applauding her for letting her symptoms being known and taking the time to identify what was and was not causing the issues.

Most of all I would love her and encourage her. I would reach my hand and my heart to her, giving all I have of both.

But for some reason I am harder on myself and expect so much more from my own body and emotions. I have my moments of weakness and fear, but I try very hard to not let them show, to make sure that the “world” sees me with a smile on my face and the ultimate strength flowing through every move. A positive attitude that never leaves is the modus operandi that I operate under.

So forgive me for forgetting that I too have human weakness and human fears and for criticizing myself too harshly when those emotions come shining through. If I look at all that has been happening in the last few weeks I wonder if anyone else could have handled it any better. Stress is stress. No matter how easy one might deal with it, eventually it will get its claws in you and pull you down. The key, is to let go and get back up.

So that is what I am trying to do now. Pull myself together and get back up. I remain completely overwhelmed and frightened. Not so much for my health, but for all the periphery things that are happening at work regarding my job and my benefits, my relationship, my son. Then there are all the “little things”. The car needs washed, the bills need paid, the checkbook needs balanced, the house needs cleaned, the laundry needs done, I have 8 bags of “stuff” from my office that need to be sorted through, I have Christmas decorations that have not been put away…these are just to name a few. When you have cancer everything gets behind and it gets so overwhelming. How do you keep up on your daily tasks when you are barely making it through the day?

Yard work is just around the corner and my puppy has destroyed my yard. It breaks my heart and I don’t even know how to begin to fix it. So I hope to get out there in a few weeks and start repairs. She digs. A lot. I guess I can get grateful that she has given me an opportunity to be outside and to do a lot of redesigning of my flower beds.

So forgive me my friends if I let you down. My intention is to never be negative and self-loathing. I want to bring to the world a sense of hope and positivity. But sometimes, when I am lacking in those emotions, I need to be reminded of how to behave.

Thanks Heidi. I’m pulling it together. And I’ll be much kinder on myself. I promise.

Results Received

The results have been received and are wonderful news. All the tests came back clear, no pulmonary embolism, no tumors, no pneumonia. That is great news and I was certainly relieved to hear it.

But that brings it back to the “what” is causing the shortness of breath, which is very real. It leaves me with the diagnoses of anxiety. I guess all that has been going on in the last few weeks has been taking its toll on me in ways that I don’t understand. I know all these decisions are overwhelming and frightening. And as a single parent, I am the only one that can make these decisions for my family, it is on my shoulders and I just pray I am choosing correctly. My family depends on it. I am terrified of losing my benefits. However, I feel weak and stupid that I wasted so many people’s time, energy and spent all that money to find out that basically I’m a wimp. I need to buck up and deal with it. I am embarrassed that I had my caregivers so concerned over nothing. So what happens next time? Is this is like the boy who called wolf. I called wolf and it was nothing, next time why bother and why try to believe in it?

This balance is so hard. I don’t want to whine about every ache and pain, but I have to identify the ones that might be dangerous. Which ones are those? How do I discern which pain is the one to pay attention to? I was so scared, I couldn’t breathe and it ended up being nothing. But last time when my back hurt and they thought it was nothing, it was cancer. So it goes both ways. I will just have to learn to move past this.

So I will have chemo tomorrow. Again, I hope that the symptoms are managed better and I’m not too sick.

Waiting.

Waiting. That’s what I am sitting and doing right now. Waiting for the results of a CT scan. But let me back up for a moment.

I dressed in my fabulous shoes and went to the cancer center for my appointment with Dr. Rado which was to be followed by chemo. We got the results of my pulmonary function test which showed that I had a normal flow of oxygen in and out of my lungs. Good pulmonary function is not indicative of pulmonary fibrosis. It is possible I have some moderate pulmonary fibrosis, but it is not the cause of my shortness of breath. Listening to my lungs they sound good, and a walk around the office hooked up to a pulse-ox machine indicated continued good oxygenation of my blood, even if it left me short of breath. So, rather than go ahead with the chemo, Dr. Rado wanted to do a chest CT scan and rule out any pulmonary embolism. I was scheduled for my CT at noon and they indicated that the results would be called into Dr. Rado within the hour following the test.

I checked with Michelle, Dr. Rado’s nurse, about 2pm and she had not heard anything but indicated that the results would have been called in directly to Dr. Rado. She promised to catch up with him, obtain the results and call me back. It is almost 4pm and I have yet to hear anything. I suppose I could take this as good news. If it was bad, I am sure that they would have called me back by now, so I am going on the assumption that there is no pulmonary embolism, but looked forward to hearing that definitively.

So that still begs the question..why am I short of breath? I have been concerned that perhaps it is all in my head, but Mike said he definitely notices it when I am talking and I have to stop and take a breath in the middle of a sentence. So it may be in my head but manifesting itself in a very real way. The last two weeks have been incredibly stressful. I can’t even express how hard it has been to make the transition at work, but on top of that there are all the decisions that have to be made regarding my life insurance and health insurance benefits, not to mention the time frames involved, how long I am eligible, what happens under various scenarios. I am the only one who can make these decisions; no one can make them for me. It’s more than just moving out of my office, there is a whole host of stressors behind it that would throw any person for a loop under ordinary circumstances, but add in the daily stress of fighting cancer, as well as some personal challenges I have been facing…and we may have a recipe for disaster. Perhaps this is all anxiety driven. I would have thought it would have gone away at the coast when I was relaxed on the beach, but when that kind of stress is sitting there in the back recesses of your brain, they probably don’t go away with the simple roll of a wave. No matter how beautiful.

So I wait. The plan is to move forward with chemo tomorrow. I am praying that my breathing normalizes and that this round goes a little bit smoother than the last one. I’ll keep you posted.

Getting ready for the next round

Good morning my friends. Its chemo day and I have so much to catch you up on. I’ll try not to make it a novel!

Last time we talked I was headed out to the coast with a very heavy heart and a desire to let it all go and focus on what is great in my life and the things that matter. I wanted to spend quiet time with the man I love and find some peace in the decisions that I have had to make.

The weekend started out rocky, I was very emotional and was trying to deal with a lot of grief and sadness. Mike held me in his arms and gave me his strength, listened, and loved me through it. Finally I found a place where I could let go and let God take control and understand that this too shall pass. As painful as this all has been, God has a plan for me and He is in control of my life. What is happening is supposed to happen, and I just have to be brave and keep putting one foot in front of the other. We enjoyed our time together as we always do. Mike and I love being together; we genuinely enjoy each others company, no matter what we do. I tire easily so we spent a lot of time in our lawn chairs sitting on the beach listening to the surf, watching the dogs play, feeling the sun on our face. To us, the Oregon coast is a perfect place to be, rain or shine. We had a little of both. The Inn was beautiful, the food was excellent and we have already made reservations for Valentine’s Day next year.

I have been facing some additional health challenges with some shortness of breath. I noticed it about 10 days ago and it has continued to get a little bit worse every day. Sometimes it is hard to eat; you don’t realize how much you need to breathe while you are eating! I usually have to stop a few times during the meal to just breathe. Talking frequently leaves me short of breathe and walking, stairs and other physical activities really make me realize how hard it is to get a good breath. I called Dr. Rado’s office on Tuesday and relayed this information to them and we were all frightened that the cancer was back in my lungs. Dr. Rado wanted to start with a chest x-ray and go from there. So I went and had a chest x-ray and stopped by Dr. Gormley’s office to see if he could look at it real quick. He was so gracious, on his way to another activity, but stopped to look at my films. I was so relieved when he pulled it up on the computer and I didn’t see the tumors everywhere like I did 7 months ago. I was preparing myself for a complete recurrence, and wanted to cry with relief when it wasn’t. However, Dr. Gormley indicated that he could see some pulmonary fibrosis in my lungs, which is the hardening of the lung tissue, perhaps from the leftover scarring from the tumors. Dr. Gormley recommended a pulmonary function test to see if my lung capacity has been compromised. They got me in for that test yesterday and I am hoping to get the results at my appointment today. My blood oxygenation is still good, so I am getting enough oxygen in my blood; it’s just hard to get a good deep breath. I now have an incredible about of compassion for people with lung disease, it is truly terrifying to have a weight sitting on your chest that doesn’t allow to you breathe normally. I am confident that we can overcome this. Michelle, my chemo nurse, indicated that they could give me steroids that would help with the breathing, so I’ll probably be starting on those. So much for that 25 pounds I lost after going off the steroids last time. Oh well, if I have to choose between being fat and breathing, I choose breathing, no contest.

So today I have another round of Ixempra. Dr. Rado is doing what he can to better control the symptoms and we are hoping that I am not quite so sick this time. I have already indicated that I won’t be at work next week, but am hoping to be able to work the following week. We cleaned up my office and are getting rid of a bookshelf so that we can put a little desk in there for me to work at while I am able to work. It is hard to think that I no longer have the space that was mine, but I guess it just time to let go. I can still work, just not at my desk. I’ll probably do more from home than actually being in the office since it just feels so uncomfortable to be there where I have given up my space. I enjoy the people I work with and hope to continue to be able to see them on a regular basis, we will just see what happens.

If you remember, I had already embarked on my shoe shopping expedition for chemo today. I have a fabulous pair of pink and black heels, that will completely inspire me to fight hard against this cancer and gives me courage for this round. I need all the strength and bravery I can get, I am concerned about the side effects and how hard this chemo hits me and praying it will be easier this time.

I’ll keep you updated and let you know how the pulmonary function test came out. I think I’m probably still getting good air exchange and we are catching this early before it gets worse. Say your prayers that the side effects don’t put in down like they did last time.

Off to the Coast

Just a quick update to let you all know I am off to my dream weekend on the coast. The weather calls for rainy and cold, which means Mike will just have to keep me warm.

It’s been an awful week. I can’t even express to all of you how many tears I have shed. My job has been my life, I have spent more time in that office than I have in my home over the last few years and to pack it up and take it all home was just about more than I could handle. I have a few more things to get out of there next week, and then Wendy moves in.

I hate cancer. I want my life back. The one I had before, the one where I could work as much as I pleased, walk until my legs gave out, climb stairs without losing my breath. The one before my life became a tragic Shakespearean play. I don’t ask “what else” because I am afraid of the answer.

Hopefully I will return home on Monday refreshed and with tears dried. I am tired of crying, tired of my heart breaking, tired of being sick, tired of the decisions that are being forced upon me, none of which have a good option.

Thank you for your prayers. Pray this is all over soon.