Keeping the Faith

I had a dear friend in Wyoming send me an email sharing how angry she was that all this is happening to me. It made me sit back and think…am I angry? And if I am angry…who am I angry at?

So I searched my heart and soul and realized that anger is not an emotion that I harbor anymore. Not at anyone. I’d be lying if I told you that I have not had my moments of anger as I screamed “why me” at God for this injustice. But somewhere during these months of sickness and these times of despair I faced the anger and released it to the winds to carry to the four corners of the earth. I surrendered it to God. Anger eats me up inside and I realized that it is an emotion that was more harmful to me than the cancer. And as I looked at why I was angry it became apparent, what am I angry about? There are millions of people that have it worse off than me, who are starving, living in poverty, who couldn’t even begin to get treatment for the most basic of medical needs, much less cancer. I live in a place and in an era that allows me access to the highest standard of medical care available. If there is a way to beat this disease, I have been given the tools to beat it.

It’s hard to look at the “bright side” when battling a life threatening illness, but there is always something to be gained, if one is willing to take the time to open their minds to the possibilities. I have gained a knowledge and awareness of my place in this world and my impact on the people around me. I have been given the opportunity to reach people that I don’t even know through this blog and to share my story. I have been allowed the honor to encourage others and to instill hope into their lives. Cancer has given me the gift of immeasurable love. I don’t think I ever realized how many people love and care about me until this crisis struck. Then I looked around and there were so many friends reaching their hands out to lift me up. I truly had no idea. How could I even begin to entertain anger in my soul with all the love in my life? Sure, I could be angry. But I’m not. I’m tired of the battle and sometimes I get sad and my heart fills with despair, but I am comforted by the treasure of friends who continually overwhelm me with their kindness and their compassion.

God has a plan. We just don’t see the big picture. How can we? We are just one little cog in the wheel of the universe and it is beyond our comprehension to understand how our lives, our strife, can affect the whole. But with faith, lemons can create lemonade and joy can be found in the midst of the sadness. Faith can carry us through a myriad of crisis; we just need to look upward, not inward.

So it is in my life as I keep the faith and I move through my day with the hope of being cured. I worked for a few hours yesterday turning everything over to Wendy and allowing myself to take the remainder of the week to stay home and rest. And rest I do! I am so tired and I just want to sleep and sleep and I have allowed myself to do just that. When my platelets were checked yesterday they had dropped down to 23, so they are still going the wrong direction. The only thing I can do is rest and hope that my bone marrow starts working again producing platelets. We are going to check my blood levels again on Friday and I am praying that the numbers come up. If not, then there are more transfusions in my future.

This latest issue has made me sit back and think about my treatment and my need to focus on my health. I need to take the time to get well and put my health as the number one priority in my life. I have decided to only go to work for a few hours next week to see what else needs to be done and then to take the rest of the month off to strengthen my body and prepare for the next rounds of chemo. When I go back to work it will probably be for only two days a week. The next rounds are going to be important; I want them to be my last.

I am on the mend. I just need to get these darn platelets up. In the meantime I rest. And rest. And rest. And rest.