Resting.

Why is it that everyone wants me to rest, and then when I stay in bed until noon, my family wants to know why I’m still in bed? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be doing?

I am resting and wondering when I’m going to have the energy to do anything again. It’s a real catch 22. Am I tired because by body and blood counts are totally wiped out or am I tired because I haven’t done anything for the last few weeks? Or maybe a combination of both? I have to say, I sure am sleeping well. I could sleep and sleep and sleep. No problemo. I’m asleep for 10-12 hours at a time and could still take a nap during the day. So, resting is not an issue. But getting back to doing something is a challenge. I’m going to give myself another day of doing nothing, an easy Sunday in front of the fireplace, and then check in with my nurse tomorrow and get moving again. Just a little bit at first. A nice short walk with the dogs. Not enough to get short of breath but enough to get the blood moving. I feel like I need some activity to get my body healthy.

Every day is a challenge. I have one more day of neupogen, so hopefully by tomorrow I’ll start feeling better. The neupogen really makes me feel crummy and makes my bones ache. I am not sure if I get to get out and about this week or if I am still confined to my home until they run my blood levels again, which isn’t until Thursday. If I’m confined to my home, that’s okay. It’s not been that bad. In fact it is sort of liberating to not have to go anywhere and not have to do anything. I don’t think I’ve ever been in that position in my adult life. I have always had responsibilities to do something everyday, whether it be groceries, laundry, cleaning…there is always something. I don’t have to do anything. I sorta like it. I can’t say I could get used to it, because I know that I’m not a sit around forever type of girl, but for now, its okay. I’m learning how to be happy without constant activity.

So for now, I rest. My goal is to get my body healthy enough to start chemo again, which is crazy. I want to get healthy so I can do all this again? Am I nuts? Sometimes, I think I must be, because why would I want to put myself through this three more times, but if that is the way I am going to get rid of the cancer, than I am all for it. Lets rock n roll. If all goes well, I’ll be done by March. It will be a spring worth celebrating!