All Clear. No foolin!

Well my faithful friends and prayer warriors, I received those two words that I have been longing to hear…All Clear. I couldn’t believe it, my breath caught in my lungs and my heart jumped into my throat…I had to ask again. The answer was the same; the scans all look beautiful, there is no evidence of cancer still present in body. Hallelujah! Praise God! This is incredible, amazing news, especially considering the degree of advancement of my disease and the grim prognosis I was given. I have not only survived, I have triumphed. The words haven’t sunk it yet, I can’t believe its true.

I had chemo today, as scheduled, and this is the “one more round for good measure” that Dr. Rado always prescribes. I just hope this one goes better than my last “one more round for good measure” that landed me in the hospital for four days in December. I have faith that this one will go better, my body is not quite as fragile as it was back in December when I was on my 14th dose of Carbo/Gemzar. This is only my fourth round of Ixempra, and each round I have tolerated a little bit better, so there is no reason to believe that this one won’t be even easier still. Three weeks from now, I should be feeling remarkably better. Ready to plant that garden. What a perfect spring present.

So I have to ask, why do I find myself choking back the tears, not even sure what the tears are from. Are they tears of relief? Joy? Fear? Trepidation? Maybe all and more. I have a myriad of emotions floating around inside of me and I can’t identify all of them. I am so relieved that the treatment is almost over, survive this round of chemo, and I’m done. Wow, I can’t even wrap my head around that thought. Done. Really? I’m done? Please don’t tell me this is an April fools joke. I don’t think my heart could bear it. I have prayed over and over to be well. My prayers have finally been answered, and the answer was “yes”. Thank you God. Thank you.

The emotion I am struggling the most with is the one that I have avoided feeling all these months and months of treatment…fear. Trepidation. I have to tell you with all honesty, I am scared.

I have tried to approach this disease fearlessly, staring my attacker in the eye and daring it to fight me, “bring it on, baby, I’m ready for you” has been my war cry each time they have dumped this poison into my body. But my attacker is no more, it has fled. Elvis has officially left the building. So the foe I have been fighting all these months is gone. Really? Is it really really gone, or has it just gone into hiding, and is lying there in wait, ready to pounce on me again when I least expect it?

Ending treatment is an experience that is hard to explain if you have never been through it. When I am in treatment, I am in the fight; I am actively doing something to fend off this disease. Treatment has been the central focus of my life for the last 10 months and its challenging to move that focus from fight to recovery. How do I move into the next phase of my life with my eyes looking forward, and not waste my time with my gaze continually glancing over my shoulder, waiting for another attack?

That, my friends, is where faith comes in. I just have to believe in myself and my ability to win this fight. Trust in the awesome supremacy of God in my life, the power of prayers and I must be strong in the knowledge that I can and will move forward with my life, closing this chapter but retaining the lessons it has given. Knowing that I will continue the fight, every day of my life, by living my life to the fullest. Exacting the ultimate revenge on this despicable disease by not only surviving, but thriving as a result of all it has put me through.

I will not live in fear. I have vanquished the foe, but it shall not be forgotten. I will live with the intimate knowledge of the beauty of this existence; knowing the awesome fragility of life, but with faith in the strength of the human spirit. For the human spirit can triumph over any adversary, no matter how strong, no matter how powerful. God made us with the ability to triumph over all.

So, come with me now as I take my closet full of shoes and walk boldly into my future, with a radiant smile on my face, and a selection of kick ass shoes on my feet. Bring it on life, I’m ready. Let’s dance.