Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Hope

Someone said that there are no hopeless situations only those of us who have lost hope. I think there is alot of truth to that and I don't want to be one of those people who loses hope. I have had my moments over the last few days where I have teetered on the edge of hopelessness. I realize the news wasn't terrible, it could be SO much worse, but the fact that the tumor has grown at all means that it is still alive and still able to take over. My hope was that the radiation had truly killed the tumor and even if it didn't shrink, it wouldn't grow either. Its growth took my breath away. I met with Dr. Iuliano yesterday and we looked at my scans from head to hips and it is great news that my body is clear. I still worry that once we take away the chemo the cancer will rage its way back through my body, but I need to overcome that fear. I need to trust in God that it will stay away, my body will continue to be clear of cancer. The brain is a whole other problem. Dr. Iuliano was not convinced that there is a new tumor, there is a chance that it is a blood vessel that lit up under contrast that has never lit up before. It is small and undefined, so we really won't know for sure until we do another MRI in two months and see what happens to the spot. Its a small spot, but again, its still another spot. Its hard to stay positive and keep the hopelessness at bay.

So I turn my face upward and feel the light of God shine down on me and soak in His love and comfort. That is the only way I can keep my hope alive; trust in God to carry me when I can no longer walk, and my legs are feeling awful weak right now. I am counting on God to lift me up.

I am hoping that the retreat this weekend will be an experience of God's love and grace. I will be spending time with a small group of woman who have had or are currently going through metastatic breast cancer and they have felt the fear and hopelessness of this disease. I am praying they can help to lift me back up to the joy and optomism I have felt previously. I am determined to beat cancer and believe with all my heart that I can survive this; I just need to get over the hump of this latest news and remember all the gifts in my life. I am so incredibly blessed, I have an awesome family and circle of friends who show me so much love and support. I am leaning on you, my friends, and counting on you to keep Gods love shining through you. Together we can keep the hope alive.