Seattle on Tuesday. Pray I can have Cyberknife!

I have started on my new chemo pill which I picked up from the pharmacy yesterday. It is very expensive, $1400 for 10 pills. I will take them for 5 days, 2 weeks off and then 5 more days. I am going to talk to Dr. Rado's office to see if I can get them through their office and have it billed under my medical rather than my pharmaceutical coverage. If I can get it under medical it will be covered 20% and I am almost to 100% coverage. If it stays under my pharmacy coverage I will pay $1400 forever for it, there is no stop loss. But I guess if it works, its worth it.

I got a call from Swedish yesterday and I have an appointment with a specialist up at their neuro center on Tuesday to see if I am an candidate for Cyberknife. I am really hopeful. If they can do Cyberknife without too much collateral damage maybe we can zap these tumors once and for all. Between that and the new chemo, I think we have a good plan. Say your prayers it works.

Its hard to lose my independence. I can't take myself to exercise class, the store, yoga, the doctor or physical therapists. Driving is out of the question, I walk around wondering if or when another seizure will hit and I know I don't want to be behind the wheel when it does. So I depend on my family and friends and they have been incredibly helpful. Hopefully the tumors clear up soon and my independence returns. I was listening to a meditation yesterday for cancer patients and it had an affirmation statement that really struck at my core; I will survive not out of fear of dying but out of the joy to live. So I face each day with as much joy as I can muster. Joy for the sunshine, joy for the rain, joy for my family, my children, my grandson, my man, my friends. Joy for the ability to get out of bed in the morning, joy for all the people who are praying for me around the world. There is joy in the most minute of things, we just have to open our hearts and our souls and let the elation that is life pour in and fill us with its light. There are healing powers all around us, we just need to take the effort to tap into in, wallow in its essense and let it fill our body from top to toe. Let God's joy light us up from the inside out ravaging the cancer cells and flooding them from my body.

I know there is hope, there is optomitsm, it is just a matter of changing my state of mind. I remember the old classic Bing Crosby tune; eliminate the negative - accentuate the positive don't mess with Mr. In-Between. Good Advice.

So let the light into the very core of your soul and let it spin and whirl in and around you making your day, no matter how difficult, easier to walk through with your head held high and a shine in your eyes; a smile on your face. And stay connected with God, He will lead you forth.