The Losses

As there have been gifts as a result of this disease, so have there been losses. And some days those losses just seem too overwhelming to bear. As much as I want to be strong and persevere through, I have my moments where it would be easier to just lie down and give up. But I know that is not an option, I have too much to live for, too much to keep on striving for. I try to remember that these setbacks are only temporary and that things happen for a reason, but when I am in the moment, all reasoning disappears and the loss takes on a life of its own. It bears down on me with its crushing weight and I feel I would collapse under the pressure were it not for the sheer will to survive. So I crawl out from under the mountain, dust myself off and regain my footing again so I can keep on going until the next disappointment falls upon me, then we play out the scenario again. I don’t know how Mike sometimes can persist in putting up with me, the ongoing sickness, the tears of desperation that he seems to be continually wiping away. But he stands by me, solid as ever, my rock and many days, my salvation as he rescues me from the darkness, never letting me slide too far into the abyss that threatens to engulf me.

It has been said that to the world you are just one person, but to one person you might be the world. There is so much truth to that statement and the reality of it has become evident as my sickness has progressed. Mike and I mean the world to each other, together we are formidable opponents. Solitarily, we are each one tiny person in a vast and uncompromising world, but together we can stand against the mightiest foe, a fortress that cannot be broken. To say that Mike is my strength would be a great understatement, for he is so much more than that, my power, my positive attitude, my bright light, my angel.

He has kept me afloat again this round as the chemo beats down my body and the circumstances pummel at my spirit. Disability is an unfair system and at every turn it feels as if I am discovering some new aspect that I didn’t realize before. Just when you need your benefits the most, they are taken away, just when you need your income the most, it is delayed. And so I struggle through each day determined to make all the ends meet, determined to take care of my family, but knowing that Mike is by my side and that most likely, he will end up taking care of us as I fail at this endeavor no matter how hard I try. The system is not designed for single parents who have no one to lean on, no one to pick up the slack. And so I thank God for giving me Mike who is the Oz behind the curtain, making my world a reality I can survive in.

This round has not been as bad as last, I’m able to get around better and have even been outside enjoying the sunshine. I planted some pansies a few days ago in pots on my deck and in my front yard but being out there makes me realize how much works needs to be done and I’m just not sure how I am going to have the strength to do it all. Sophie has been very destructive to my once beautiful yard and flower gardens, so the work has doubled as I must clean up from the winter and fix all of Sophie’s damage with new plantings and secure fencing to keep her out of each bed until she can be broken of this terrible digging habit. I want so much to work in my yard, it is one of my favorite things in life, but I fear I lack the strength needed to engage in such physical activity. Maybe by next week or the week after. Before I get hit again April 1st with another round of chemo. Then all bets are off again during such a critical spring planting time. I hate this disease.

So I have made it to day 9 without major incidence and am hoping for good blood work on Monday. Hopefully, my white count will be up and I’ll be able to stop the shots of neupogen and start to feel better again.