Its a Beautiful Day!

Ah, what a beautiful day on the patio. It’s cool and every once in a while a breeze waifs through and cools off my almost bald head. It’s crazy how hot my head can get with no hair! Durashine wanted to clean today at 8am, which is fine with me, the house was in serious need of a cleaning, so I just make myself scarce in the backyard for an hour and my daughter just stays sleeping in her room, which she doesn’t mind at all, and the house gets cleaned, thanks to the generosity of a lot of people who donated money to keep my house clean this summer. Thank you. I don’t know how I would have done it myself. I was looking at my kitchen floor last night through my incredibly exhausted eyes and thought to myself, thank you Lord, I don’t have to mop. Tomorrow, someone else will clean it. And, then I went to bed.

The exhaustion is getting me more than anything. I do okay in the morning and then by the afternoon I am just wiped out, especially if I get outside in the heat at all during the day. Yesterday Peyton and I went on a few errands and those little trips in and out of the car in the heat just zaps me of any energy. So we came home and I slept on the couch for the next few hours trying to regain my strength. I never did. I found the energy to water the flowers on the patio and then was in bed by 9pm. I am certainly not the night owl I used to be. I guess I got over that not wanting to sleep thing…I am sleeping just fine these days. Maybe it’s the chemo exhaustion; but I tend to think its God comforting my heart assuring me that I will wake up tomorrow, the day will be there, waiting for me, in all its glory and beauty. And every day that I am still here is an exquisite day to be alive.

We are looking forward to our trip tomorrow. We leave quite early, 5:25am and are in San Diego by mid-morning. I’m calling the hotel to see if we can get an early check-in and if not, that’s okay; we can go to my aunts for a few hours before checking into the hotel. She is really happy we are coming and I am sure is putting on the “healthiest” face she can for our visit. I know the drill, and I understand, when one is sick like this you do all you can to try not to worry the ones you love. They see through it anyway and pretend too that you are doing okay. It’s a dance borne out of love and the need to comfort each other in this dark and scary time. But underneath it all, we know the truth, the cancer is there, lurking with its ugly darkness, waiting for its chance to strike the final blow, or in my Aunts case, perhaps contribute to the final blow. They are less worried about the cancer right now than the fluid that continues to build up in her chest cavity and I don’t know yet if they have the blood clots under control. So there are many other things contributing to her health decline, conspiring against her. But we don’t know God’s plan and we don’t profess to understand the resilience of the human body. I know many a patient who wasn’t supposed to make it out of the hospital alive and lived another year. So, although we think this may be our last time seeing Bobbi Jo, only God knows. We may be planning another trip to San Diego in the spring to take her to the zoo…you just never know what the future holds. But we take the opportunity now to love each other and share and be together, because none of us knows what the future holds; any of us could be gone tomorrow.

Like I said, we will be back late Saturday night for the fundraiser on Sunday, which I am so excited for! I can’t wait to see everyone and visit and share what is going on their lives. I feel so disconnected these days. I have been so sick and exhausted that I have not been staying in contact very well and since I don’t go to work I don’t hear the skinny on what’s up with my friends at the hospital. So, if you are going Sunday, be ready to update me on what’s going on!

I persevere through each day. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. That’s the best that I can do. I battle through the exhaustion and I know that my daughter is probably so tired of seeing me sick that she is ready to move out! But she is patient and kind with me, knowing that this too shall pass, and that we have a trip looming there on the horizon that will be incredible. I am so grateful that they decided not to give me chemo until I get back, I want this trip to be all it can be for me and my daughter, and I want to feel good during the trip. So my plan is to get through this week’s exhaustion. The nadir of this chemo is 7-10 days, so I should start feeling good early next week. That gives me a week to get ready for the Bahamas. I want to try to walk everyday, working on my stamina and improving my lung capacity. We will be snorkeling while we are there and I am concerned about my ability to hold my breath long enough to actually swim with the dolphins! This is a once in a lifetime chance, I don’t want to blow it!

I’ll keep in touch during my trip to San Diego and let you know how it goes. Hopefully I’ll be seeing lots on you on Sunday at 3pm at Ava Wine Bar on 395. Its gonna be a great party, you don’t want to miss it!