The Darkness Passes

The darkness has gone away, thank goodness, and left without a trace. I spent the last few days resting and trying to give my body a break from all that it’s been through in the last few months. I try to be understanding and sympathetic to its plight. I know I am too hard on my body and I expect too much from it. I expect to be feeling fine when I am struggling to stay alive. I expect to have energy when the reserves have been all but tapped. I expect to run when my feet can barely carry me one more step. I know it; I need to give myself a break.

Agonizing knee pain set in last night and I woke up with unbelievable discomfort in my knees and ankle joints this morning. I took an extra pain pill and put some ice on them to take the swelling down. It’s so strange when this happens; there is just no rhyme or reason to it. I didn’t do anything that would cause undue stress on any of the joints in my body, much less my knees or ankles; they just randomly hurt and swell for no discernable reason. Crazy.

But at least the darkness is gone. The overwhelming exhaustion has turned into just a total exhaustion, which I guess I can handle, since it’s not like I have a choice in the matter anyway. But that sadness, those shadows seem to have run away, and for that I say good riddance. I hate it when I have to battle depression on top of this stupid cancer. Isn’t one thing enough? I guess the two sort of go hand in hand. It’s hard to not be depressed when one is facing a life threatening illness, but give me a break, let’s just handle one thing at a time!!

Peyton comes homes tonight and I can’t wait. I realize how much I miss having her be a part of my everyday life. I have enjoyed the quiet, but have missed her bubbly energy, her positive attitude and yes, even her nagging and hovering over me to make sure I go to bed on time, I’m not doing to much, all the little things that she does that shows me how much she cares, and reminds me daily of how much I have to live for. I do think that her absence in some ways may have contributed to the darkness that threatened me last week. No blame, of course, I want my daughter to travel and have fun and never feel beholden to stay home with an ailing mother, however…. Her presence in the house, in my life everyday gives me a sense of purpose and belonging that I realize I depend on greatly. She truly is a lighthouse in the storm that is my life.

So I guess today I rest too since I can’t really do anything. I can barely walk and am hoping that maybe mom isn’t using the rolling walker today so I can borrow it back and use it as I try to get around the house today.

More tomorrow on my daughter’s trip to Canada. I just spoke with her and although she misses me, she said she really isn’t ready to come home yet, but alas, the tickets are purchased and the flight is still scheduled…so I guess my little darling is coming home!!