Eybrows...going going going....

I woke up this morning and half my left eyebrow was gone. Just vanished. Weird. My daughter told me the other day it was starting to fall out, but now, a good section of it is just missing, probably left on my pillow. It looks rather odd, so I hope the rest falls out sooner rather than later!

It is a cool morning today out on the patio. The breeze is gently blowing the wind chimes and I have my warm fuzzy robe wrapped tightly about me. I hit a wall yesterday and found myself simply unable to move. Durashine came to clean the house, and I took the dogs for a walk with my father and somewhere in there my body just simply gave out. I was really dizzy when I was at my parent’s house before the dog walking activities but I went anyway and while we were walking I could feel my body slowing becoming fatigued. We made the remainder of the walk my dad took me back to his house and I just couldn’t get home fast enough. I headed straight for the couch, turned the TV on for company and shut my eyes. The next thing I remember is that annoying Olson twin talking in a midget voice about peanut butter and jelly and knowing that if I didn’t change the channel my head would explode over the irritation of that voice! Who knew that Full House could grate on the nerves so badly! So, I finally arose, changed the channel (Americas Next Top Model much much better) and took the idea for a PBJ to heart. I was able to eat most of the sandwich before my mouth just couldn’t handle the bread anymore, so I guess the show was not an entire loss, it gave me a lunch idea.

My mouth sores continue to plague me. Everything seems to hurt my mouth and I can’t use toothpaste anymore. I am now using baking soda and eating only things that aren’t spicy and that are soft and non-irritating to my mouth, gums, tongue and teeth. I really need to have my teeth checked out, but the sensitivity is so great, I am not sure how I could even handle a dentist. But it’s been more than a year and I am concerned about the health of my teeth. Do you know that radiation can make your teeth fall out!? ACK!! So if anyone out there knows a really really good dentist who has handled cancer patients, please pass on a referral. I need a dentist who understands the special needs and side effects of my disease.

I had a hard time moving yet I had an appointment with the attorney at 1pm, so move I did, albeit very slowly. Mike gathered all the things that I needed and off we went to sign the legal documents that cover me for all eventualities from disability to death. I hope to not have to use any of them any time soon, and as my attorney said, “Just because you have these doesn’t mean you have to use them!” There is still a certain amount of comfort in knowing that everything is set out as I wish. I know who is making decisions for me in the event that I cannot and we have discussed at length what those decisions should be. The last step now is to sit down with my children and review the Last Will and Testament with them so there are no surprises should something happen. Let’s get this straight right now though…I DON’T PLAN ON DYING ANYTIME SOON. Unless, there is a giant bus with my name on it headed straight for me. This cancer is NOT going to get me. Of that, I am confident. Not anytime soon at least. I plan on being here for awhile, but this is something that we should all have done, regardless of our health status. Our children and our heirs should know that things are taken care of for them and what happens to them should we pass over to the beautiful other side. I feel good getting this done. It is a definite load off my heart and off my mind.

Sleep still plagues me. I sleep for a few hours if I taking sleeping pills; but I find myself not wanting to sleep. I know my body needs it desperately, but there is this little voice in the back of my head which keeps me awake at night, thinking of all the things that I want to do and sometimes I just get overwhelmed with it all. I was looking at the pictures of Mike finishing the Ironman yesterday and I succumbed to a horrid sobbing fit of tears. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE, I sobbed. I want to live long enough to grow old with that Ironman. “I WANT TO LIVE, DO YOU HEAR ME!” I shouted at God, and He listened. I know He did, but His answers fall silent these days and I just don’t know how long I get to be here on this earth; so I have decided that I will live despite what anyone says, God or otherwise. I am just going to beat the odds.

So I arise early everyday and lay in bed and just listen to the birds and the winds and all the sounds that I love that are so familiar to me and I wonder…is this my life now? This can’t be all, there has to be more. So I start planning my day, contacting friends and making arrangements for people to stop by and see me. I need people, I need to hear voices and see faces and watch smiles and heed the sound of laughter in my house. I need the comfort of my support system around me, cheering me on, hoping and praying for me, making me smile, making me laugh, making me live this wonderful life that destiny has chosen for me.

So for now, this IS my life. And I will live it. The best that I can with all of you beside me, holding my hand.