Quick Update

We are at the San Diego airport. I have to admit it has been a difficult few days. I am completely exhausted and am ready to be home and sleep in my own bed and not drive in the crazy California traffic with my daughter using my cell phone’s GPS to get us everyplace we need to go. It's frustrating to not have the cognitive abilities I used to have and I know that my daughter got frustrated with me because we would take the same route every day, but every day I wouldn’t remember the route and would need GPS to find the same route that we used the day before or earlier in the day. What she doesn’t realize is this was even more frustrating for me. I used to rent a car in a city that I have never been before and within 24 hours I would have my bearings and would be driving around, easily getting myself from point a to point b without any problems This trip I never did get my bearings. Every drive was nerve racking; feeling unsure of my abilities with a total lack of confidence regarding not only my driving skills, but my ability to stay focused on the driving with the traffic whizzing by me on both sides, exits coming up quickly. It was not only grueling emotionally but also wore me out physically. But it is done, thank God, and I’m heading home. We made it through.

Bobbi Jo is heading down hill fast. She took a serious turn for the worse on Thursday morning, the day we got here, and has completely lost the ability to use her left side at all and her speech is extremely hard to understand, although she tries very hard to communicate. I know it is so difficult for her to know what she wants to communicate but unable to get the words out in a way that her friends and family can understand. But we were able to communicate enough for me to know that she knew I was there, she knew Peyton, Jeannie (mom) and Red (dad), she was extremely glad to see us and very grateful that we had come. The ceremony that they did at her house today was amazing. It was officially Bobbi Jo McManus Day in San Diego as designated by the City Council. None of us really knew now much she had done for the city and all the task forces she volunteered for and all the things she did to improve the community she lived in. I was certainly proud to be her niece. It made me realize how much impact our actions make on the people around us and how much we can do, if we just take the time, to improve the world around us. Bobbi Jo leaves this world a better place than it was when she came into it, and that is a legacy that we should all strive for as we live our lives. Pay it forward and leave a world behind that is better that it was when we entered it. My aunt inspires me.

It was hard to leave knowing that it is probably the last time I will see her alive. They did determine that she definitely had a stroke which has significantly impacted her left side and she has a DNR in place and is very clear about her wishes. She wants no heroic measures, she doesn’t want to be a burden on her family, she wants to die with some dignity. And isn’t that what we all want too? I know I do, I understand, I worry so much about becoming a burden on my family, on my children, on Mike and my parents. I want to slip away peacefully without dragging the whole family down with me. That is definitely my prayer.

So I head home knowing I have done all I can do. I have told her how much I love her and how proud I am of her. I have told her how much I enjoyed having her as part of my life and that I hope I can leave this world making as big of an impact as she has made.

I am looking forward to the fundraiser tomorrow, but am looking forward more to sleeping in my own bed, and sleeping as late as I want, hopefully getting some energy back before tomorrow at 3pm. I would have updated my blog sooner, but there was no Wi-Fi at the hotel so I had to wait until I got to the airport to blog! Crazy, eh?!

Say prayers for my aunt and for her family, for my mom’s heart, for strength. We could all use a little extra strength these days.