Round One Continues.

I fell last night. Going UP the stairs. It wasn’t a hard fall, but was a fall nonetheless and was enough to scare me a little. I was carrying a candle, unlit, thank God, and it flew across the hallway coming to rest at least 5 feet away by my bedroom door. When I started falling it all went into slo-mo and I was outside by body watching myself fall. My right hand, normally on the railing was trying to figure out how let go off the candle without it breaking and my left hand was worthlessly cartwheeling through the air trying to find something, anything, to grab on to. Meanwhile my momentum was carrying me forward and down, crashing in a heap at the top of the stairs. When it was all over I sat there for a few minutes and contemplated what happened. How did I feel about this? What is funny? Sort of. What is sad? Yeah. Pathetic. Definitely. So I sat there at the top of my stairs, with my dog Sophie, and we talked about my predicament and what caused it and how do I keep this from happening again and…is that dirt on my wall? Yup. Its dirt. Amazing the things one sees when they sit in a place in the house not normally reserved for relaxation.

Sophie and I decided that I simply rushed up the stairs with no regard for my health and my physical status. I wanted to run a new candle to the bathroom to replace the old one and was excited about the new scent, ocean breeze, in preparation for the trip to the coast this weekend. So I grabbed the candle and quickly hoofed it up the stairs. My right hand, normally reserved for the railing and balance, held the candle, my left hand, useless in most circumstances because I am so solely right handed, remained empty. I don’t pick my feet up well, I know that, I have known that for months and you know what, nothing has changed in that department, I still don’t pick up my feet well, so in my haste to rush up the stairs, big surprise, my right foot caught near the top of the stairs and I fell, face first, into the floor.

Oh well. No biggie. I wasn’t hurt. But the reality of it hurt. It hurt inside my heart, into my spirit. I keep forgetting that I am a cancer patient and that my life is changed drastically. I can no longer run up the stairs and run back down. I need to be careful, step with purpose, hold railings, watch for balance at each step. I have to behave cautiously when I traverse about this world and I really hate that. I am so much more of a wing it and see what happens type of woman. I want my old life and balance back more that I can say.

Do you know that I used to bet bartenders a pitcher of beer that I could stand in their bar and do a standing back flip? Quite a thing, eh? I know there are many people who have way more fun and illustrious stories in their past but this one I think shows how agile and crazy fun I have been my whole like. I could stand and just do a back flip. On command. Anytime. Anywhere. Now, that ability is gone with our without the cancer, I am pushing 50 these days, but it still reminds me of what I used to be able to do. I could easily run up and down the stairs of my tri-level house. I didn’t need a railing or a cane to get up and down off my patio. I didn’t use handicapped parking, or limp slowly through a store. I strode, vibrant and strong, with purpose and determination. Those days are gone and I pray that someday they will be back, but its not today, and its not tomorrow, so I’m hoping for maybe next week. :-)

I see improvement, I really do. A LOT of improvement. I am remembering things so much better. I can read fairly well again, and I am remembering appointments and things I need to do. I am still writing everything down, mind you, but the memory is getting significantly better.

And I am walking better, really. If you compare me to what I could do on May 19, which was barely walk, I am a marathon runner. I am SO much better, I just have a long way to go and little things like this sometime take a huge emotional toll on me. It’s not a big deal that I fell, everyone falls, it was the realization that it was my own carelessness that caused my fall and I could have easily prevented it if I would continue to be vigilant and careful. So I vowed to be more careful when I walk. No more running up and down the stairs!

So I am preparing my day for the next dose of chemo. This is the second half of dose one. I feel pretty good going in so I have no doubt I’m going to sail through this round with no complications at all. I leave for the coast on Saturday with my kids and Jessie and I can’t wait. I know that God is going to watch over me; watch over us; and we will have an incredible time. Memories will be made, life and laughter will be shared. It will be a vacation worth remembering for all time.

I love you my prayer warriors. Pray for an easy, breezy, beautiful chemotherapy round.