Contemplate.

Well I am coming to the end of the party and the battle begins in earnest again tomorrow. I didn’t realize how awful I was feeling until I started feeling good again. I am still no where near 100%, but I remember what it was like to be 100% and I wonder if I’ll ever be like that again. The effects of chemo creep up on you. That first dose, you feel crummy, but take your medication to fight the side effects and you persevere on through. But each dose it becomes harder and harder to feel “normal” and the cumulative effects begin to take their toll. Even when the chemo is over and you are awaiting the next round, the body still doesn’t rebound back to where it was before. The energy level doesn’t increase and the fatigue continues to haunt your days. The memory of the chemo never leaves, the fear of the diagnoses plagues you and each ache and pain become another cause for alarm. Does life ever become normal again?

There is a school of thought that says we should contemplate our death everyday. I believe that is good advice. There is a difference between contemplating and obsessing. Even with cancer or other life threatening disease, one should never obsess over the prospect of an early death. If you are obsessing over your death, you will forget that in the meantime you need to live. However, contemplating ones death can put life into a realistic perspective and enhance one’s ability to identify what is important. If I were to die today, what memories would I want to leave behind? At the end of the day did I touch someone’s life? Did my family and friends hear the words “I love you” from my lips? Did my actions glorify God? Take a moment and contemplate your death, then step forward and live your life with that knowledge rich in your mind.

So, I’m off to get ready for work and to enjoy this day. My prayer is that I make a positive impact on every person that I come in contact with, be it with a word or a smile. At the end of this day, I hope I have made this world a little better place to be.