Only his mama and I thought he could do it. Sit through a movie. But I knew he was a good boy and he could follow the rules, he could sit there and watch a movie on the giant movie screen. Of course, his Mama and Nana were right. We are always right.Elena and I took Jessie to his first ever movie yesterday. That might not seem like a big deal in your world, I mean it’s just a movie, but in my world, it was one of the most precious moments that I will cherish always. It’s some of the little things in life that I treasure the most these days, those moments that you realize if you leave this world will slip by relatively unnoticed. Like a movie. He walked around a little at first, down the stairs to see the “big screen”, not running, not hollering, just exploring and was told that when the previews started he would have to sit down. So when the previews started he came to sit in his chair and that was when the first problem arrived, how can a 3 year old sit in one of those theatre chairs? At 30 pounds, they aren’t big enough to keep the chair from popping back up! So Elena and I are holding his chair down, and he is not comfortable, we can see it, so we try a booster, and that is even worse, this hard plastic piece of crap that he is supposed to sit on which looks really uncomfortable, so I ask him if he wants to sit on Nana’s lap. He enthusiastically obliges me, which as you can imagine, fills my heart to overflowing. But I feel bad, this is him Mama’s moment too, its her first movie with him and I want her to have that special experience too, so I check to see if she is okay and she moves over one seat so she is next to us. I take her hand. And in that moment it is just us, the three of us, experiencing a first, a silly Pixar cartoon, and loving it. Jessie sat in my lap the entire movie, I held him, I smelled his hair, kissed his cheek. We shared popcorn, icees, M&Ms and fruit snacks, most of it on my clothes. I didn’t care, it’ll wash. We watched the scary bear terrorize Buzz and then Woody save the day. We shared the bittersweet ending which brought tears to my eyes, partially because the ending truly touched my heart, and partly because I had got to live to be a part of that moment, that first in my grandson’s life. That little life that I love so very very much and want to be a part of for an extremely long time. As far as days and experiences go, this one is way up there on the list. I love that child, with more than words can say.
As I drove home, I cried and thanked God for giving me that first, that piece of hope in my life. And I asked for more. No hurt in asking.
Earlier in the day, crisis was narrowly averted at the mall. As you read previously, I almost
jinxed the whole good omen thing by simply not following my own protocols! I had no new chemo shoes!! Don’t worry, serious shoppers like me and my daughter are foes to be reckoned with, and we found a perfect pair of bling sandals at Macy’s. I know, not the Buckle, they had some rockin' high heels, but there is NO way I can walk in heels right now, I need BLING! So BLING I got. What ya think? Blow this popsicle stand right out of the water with these babies…Yup. I’m ready.So, today is the day. And its more than just the day I start chemo again, it is one year from the day that this cancer returned. Yup, believe it, one ago year today I went to the Emergency Room with chest pain. One year ago today that dear sweet Dr. Ethan Bachrach held my hand with so much compassion in that cold emergency room and told me that my lungs were covered with cancer metastases. One year ago today, my life changed forever.
A lot has happened since then. Not all good, but certainly not all bad either. If you look at that CT from one year ago today, you will see a very grim picture. Lungs, both lungs, covered completely in tumors. I am sure that the doctors did not think they would see me still here, one year later, enjoying a movie with my grandson. But here I am, still walking talking laughing crying hoping and trying. The cancer in my lungs mostly gone, the bone mets gone, the lymph sites clear. So we have the brain we are dealing with and we know that it is in my body in small amounts scoping out the next attack pod…but I am still here. Against the odds, I am still here. And no one can take that away from me. I defied the odds and survived and I plan on defying them again. My intention is to be here next June 24th, 2011, still winning the race against cancer, still surviving all the skirmishes and battles of this war.
I realized the significance of the date last night, and thought, good omen, bad omen…could go either way, but I choose to see it as good. I mean, one year ago today if you had asked a scientist with strictly statistical knowledge of my cancer and my case if they thought I’d still be around in a year, I would bet dollars to donuts that the answer would have been no. My prognosis was and continues to be, very very poor, but, that’s where the bad news ends. It’s a prognosis and they are statistics. Me, I am not prognosis or statistics, I am me. I am Patty Sue Taylor aka Patricia Suzanne Ryder. And I have beat this cancer where other patients, God rest their beautiful and weary souls, have fallen. And I will continue to walk for them, and for me, and for my family and friends. I will keep walking and fighting and trying and living and making every effort to create moments that count. I will treasure the simple things like no other. The cadence of my grandson’s voice, the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, the scent of all boy mixed with popcorn and even the feel of cold sugary sweet sticky icee slipping down my leg, all moments to be treasured. Forever. For the icee will wash off, the moment, well, that is mine eternally.
So I choose to find this a good omen. Because I’m still here. And that is good. Easy ‘nough choice for me.
