Pink Combat Boots.

I need new shoes.

The thought was thrust mightily into my mind last night as I was getting ready for bed. Holy guacamole, I could jinx the entire good fortune that has been given with this new treatment simply by not following my own protocols! New chemotherapy calls for new shoes. No exceptions. I woke my daughter up, and she sleepily replied that she agreed, new shoes were definitely in order. (Of course, when wouldn’t she agree to new shoes?) She has class at CBC this morning and is done at 11:30, we are on dog walking duty today, so hopefully the weather is cool, we can walk the puppies at the park and then it’s off to the mall for some serious shoe shopping.

They will have to be perfect. They will have to sing out to me, with a voice so beautiful and clear on pitch. They MUST be superlative chemo shoes. No heels this time, sandals, ideal summer fun shoes, sassy and impertinent, brazen and bold. I’ll know them when I see them and when they slip onto my feet, with my perfectly manicured toes (thanks to my daughter) I’ll know that everything is going to be okay. This chemo is going to work, the stars are aligned, we have found the key to the secret door that cures my cancer!

Okay, so maybe YOU can’t get all that from a perfect pair of sandals, but I can. I am a shoe girl.

Aside from the shoes, it’s going to be a perfect day anyway. Elena invited me to take Jessie to his first movie ever! We are so excited! Jessie, Elena and I are going to go see Toy Story 3 this afternoon at 4:30 when she gets off work, and I have to say I am beyond jazzed. Jessie and I have talked about the theatre, and what we can do (sit and watch the movie and whisper if needed) and what we can’t do (talk and runaround) and what we are going to eat (popcorn and icees and chocolate, yeah, I’m the healthy nana at movies…NOT) and the GIANT screen and the sound. Anyway, he is completely thrilled, and so am I to be a part of this tiny little “first” in my grandson’s life. It is a little thing, I know, but it is mine, and I will cherish it.

Jessie was visiting last night, and we have such a special relationship. He always says that he make nana feel better, which of course he does. He never ceases to bring a smile to my face, or warmth into my heart. When he walks into the room, my world lights up like no other. He is pure and brilliant sunshine. I was reflecting on the relationship that my kids have with their grandparents, and I hope and pray that I get to see my grandson graduate from high school in 15 years like my parents did with all their grandchildren. I want to be here to watch him walk down that aisle and get that diploma and be a part of all that goes into that milestone in his life. And I plan on fighting to be there, but life doesn’t always give us what we want, does it? It throws a straight, when we are expecting a curve, or vice versa. Jessie is so young, if he lost me, would he remember me? Would he remember those kisses, those definitive statements that he makes - “I MAKE MY NANA FEEL BETTER.” Probably not. So I decided that I want to help solidify those memories for him and I am going to write regularly to my grandson. Put in writing the times we are together, what happened, how we made each other feel. Capture that laughter, that joy, so that if I am gone, he can read and remember and know how much he was loved, how much he was treasured, how much he meant to me and that yes, he ALWAYS made me feel better. Luckily, so far, this cancer has not taken away my ability to write, so write I will. I will pour my heart and my emotions out on the computer and it will last beyond me, beyond this life, and hopefully enrich the lives of those I love so much.

So, it’s a bittersweet kinda day. I am so not ready to do chemo again, but I am prepared to rock and roll. I am equipped (almost, once I have my shoes) and reporting for combat. I know it’s not going to be easy, but I am all set, physically and mentally. I’ll find my own version of pink combat boots and together, we are going to tear it up. This cancer, those little cells in there wanting to march all over me, well they don’t stand a chance. Because they haven’t met Patty, and they are about to. And SHE is a woman to be reckoned with.