A Lucky Girl

The birds are quiet this morning. Maybe that’s an indication of how hot it’s going to be today, or maybe I just woke up too late, but it sort of made me sad. I count on them so much to start my day! So I lay back in my bed, my dogs to happy to have me home again, and talked to God and assessed where the treatment was going, where my body is headed, how I feel about things.

I’ll start with a quick update on the family. The parentals (or grandparentals, depending on perspective) are doing quite well. Mom is starting physical therapy for her leg and dad’s neck is finally starting to feel better. As far as my kids; my son’s infection on his scalp went away, thank goodness, and Peyton’s feet, although troubling her, seem to not be completely incapacitating. We were trying to get her into physical therapy for some exercises before she leaves town next week for Canada, but no luck there, she is just going to have to wing it. She is taking ibuphrophen, staying off them when she can, stretching her Achilles, the stuff she knows she is supposed to do, but we are just going to have to see how they are when she gets back from her trip. My aunt starts chemotherapy tomorrow and they are going to see how she tolerates it, which is hopeful! They do NOT think the cancer has spread into the stomach and pancreas, which is excellent news. While we all know that Patrick Swayze lived with pancreatic cancer for 18 months, we also all are realistic enough to know that was not the norm. So we celebrate the small miracle that her cancer is treatable and take it one day at a time. The family really wants to get down to San Diego to see her, but doesn’t want to cause her any undue stress, and treatment is a very stressful time. We are gauging to see when it would be a beneficial trip for her, when would most help her recovery. Time will tell, we wait and see. So, all in all, the immediate family seems to be finally coming out of the health crisis, even me. Yes, even me.

This chemo is not too bad. Nope, not too bad at all. Do you remember that scene in Steel Magnolias where Julia Roberts is getting ready for her wedding and has the diabetic attack and her mom Sally Field tells her “that was not too bad, that was not too bad at all”… That’s what I feel like. I know it’s not great. It stinks, but on a relative scale, it’s not too bad. The nausea has been minimal, the pain tolerable. I was hoping that a good night’s sleep would keep me from being incredibly exhausted, but no luck there, my body feels weak and heavy and I find it hard to move easily. The other most troubling side effect is that my throat is continually sore and the congestion in my chest feels is overwhelming at times. But, compared to Ixempra…this is a walk in the park!!!!!

So, back to my discussion with God this morning. We were chatting and I was thinking that maybe that’s why the disease took the course it did, so that when I got to the homeward stretch like I’m in now I could have a better perspective about what its going to take to make it. We just don’t know how long this portion of the journey is going to last. We are starting with three rounds of this chemo. Then we are going to see where the disease has taken me. Then maybe another we’ll do another two or three for good measure…we just don’t know where the treatment will be at that point. But knowing what I know; and enduring what I have; has allowed me a point of view that enables me to believe that I can get to the end, no matter what it takes. I can walk, crawl or be carried through anything, no matter how debilitating. If I can still laugh and smile and cry and hug and kiss…well, then anything is possible. I still have my heart, my soul, my emotions, my friends, my family, the beautiful blue sky, the bright shining sun. God walks with me and talks with me. My friends email and write letters and cards and stop by to see me. My family dotes on me. My grandson adores me. It seems to me, that I have all the best life has to offer.

Sometimes, I think I have even more than most. I wouldn’t trade this cancer to anyone for anything, because I could never thrust this burden on another soul. It’s a hard burden to carry, but for me, it was the burden I was chosen to carry and with it has come a great cost. I have learned how incredibly lucky and loved I am. And that, selfishly, I could never trade with anyone either. So somedays, I think, I must be the luckiest girl alive. I am loved. And that is a feeling that will never be lost no matter how long this journey takes. The love. I take it with me, everywhere!