Saturday's ponderings

I love it when the weather changes. When it goes from so unbearably hot to cool and fall-like. I am not a heat person, I don't really like it when it gets to be 90-100, plus the fact that chemo and heat don't go very well, this weather change is right up my alley. It feels like fall. Its cool on the patio today and I need a blanket around my shoulders. The air is crisp, the breeze cool on my cheeks. I think of falls gone past and the beauty of the end of the summer cycle. Its sort of sad when all those flowers you plant are now dying and the garden is way past its prime, but the inherent beauty of the fall will soon surround you. You may not have the bursting color of the flowers, but you will have the majestic golds of the trees. You may not have the bounty of the garden, but the winter squash is coming. The sun is cooler on your face than you remember, the breeze has a nip in it that keeps you fresh. You could work in the yard all day, and never tire. I look forward to the fall. I know we have another heat wave coming, I mean it IS August, but for today, I am dreaming of the fall and its wonder and beauty.

Leaving for the coast tomorrow!! I can't wait. My brother, wife and kids will be flying into Portland about 4ish and will meet us there at Seal Rock, south of Newport Beach. Busy day today getting ready, lots of cooking, laundry and packing. My hair is falling out at a fairly fast rate, so I'm having Reynel do another cut today. I'm going very very short, and if the bald spots are too bad, then I'll just shave the darn hair. Who cares about hair anyway, it is terribly overrated! Bald is the new beautiful. I have to admit that I am sad because a big section of my family isn't going to be able to make it to the coast. Elena, Houston and Jessie all are staying home. Elena couldn't get off work at the bank and Houston just got a job (yea!) and of course can't leave right after he starts work. I debated taking Jessie with me, but know that I simply don't have the strength to take care of a two year old for four days. If one of his parents were going to be there, it would have been great, but without them it would be nana nana nana nana nana... I love that word, but I think my energy level isn't there. So, I am sad that its not my whole family. But circumstances just change. They will stay behind and take care of the cats and the house, but I'd rather they be with me! But we don't always get what we want in life, do we?

Life is funny that way. I was talking to my PT, Sara, about that yesterday. Is life fair? Do we get exactly what we are supposed to get in this life? I would like to say that life isn't fair, I mean, what did I do to deserve another round with this horrible disease, but maybe Sara is right and it is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe fair is a relative term, maybe we are all living the lives we are supposed to be living. I may want more for someone in my life, better, but maybe they are exactly where they are supposed to be? The bum on the street or the CEO of a major corporation, each person doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing in this life. And it all goes to the glory of our creator anyway. Maybe this cancer and this trial is simply the course my life is supposed to take. I always said that the cancer is a blessing and a curse. Cancer is a great teacher. Each experience is a great teacher if you let it be. Maybe sometimes we need to move out of the way of others and let them experience their life, be it pleasure or pain, so that they can live their life exactly the way that they are supposed to. Quit putting our opinions on what WE think they should do and let them makes those decisions for themselves. Who is to say what course anyones life is supposed to take. Only God knows, and I don't think He puts us in the middle of this mess for nothing, there is alot we are supposed to do and learn. So think about that, let me know what you think. Is life fair? Do we just walk the road we are meant to walk and learn our lessons along the way?

I wonder what happens when we are gone? I think about that alot, and wonder, what happens if I leave before I'm ready. I don't think I really have a choice when my time is up, I just know I'm not ready to go now. I am not afraid to leave this earth, I think there is a beautiful and wonderful place in eternity for us. But I am afraid of who I leave behind and the pain that it would cause. I wonder what else I need to teach my daughter to prepare her for this world. She is only 17 and still has alot left to learn. I have found that this cancer it is forcing her to grow up in ways that she wouldn't have had to before. I don't know if I like that, but like I said, maybe life IS fair and this is the course her life was supposed to take anyway. Maybe it is her time to grow and learn these lessons. I wonder if I leave before I am ready to let go, do I cross over or do I stay here and get to watch over her until she is ready for me to go? I would like to think I would get to stay here in spirit and be a presence in her life for as long as she needs me, but only God has the answer to that question. I am setting goals for myself and my goal is to still be here in a year when I'll get to see her turn 18 and graduate, and I plan on making that goal!

My other goals are small; make it to the coast to rest and relax with my family; make it through another dose of chemo next week, make it to my next CT scan at the end of the month and have it show improvement. Continue to minimize my work schedule and take care of my health so I can meet my goals!!


There is so much to think about as we go through this life, so much beauty and so much pain and so many questions of how to walk this road. I know that I need to learn to let go of troubles and worry and let my energy focus on the good and the healing. Let go of the stuff I cannot and should not control or change, and focus my light on the positive things in the world. Fill myself up from God's universal life force and give that energy to others from my abundance, not from my reserve. God has unlimited positive energy for me to take, I need to fill myself with that life force, that white energy and then share that overflowing love of God with others. Then my reserves will never deplete and I am truly sharing His love mixed with mine. Sounds easy, now I just have to work on doing it.


Its Saturday after chemo, and I'm planning on a great day. I am hoping all those steroids will kick in and I'll feel fabulous like I did two weeks ago. This round has left me feeling pretty weak, so maybe it won't be as great as two weeks ago, but as long as I feel OK, I'll take it!

Say prayers for a safe trip!