Soooooooooooooooo tired.....................

I'm tired. And fat. And my body aches. And I’m so swollen my face looks like a moon. And my hair is falling out.

But I'm still alive. And that is what I cling to. I'm still alive and it could be so much worse. I could be a lot sicker, a lot fatter and completely bald. But I have to admit it is frustrating when two months ago I was thin, exercising regularly, looking and feeling great, had a great haircut and amazing hair color and then... BAM!... I look like this and I am battling for my life! It can be frustrating, but I have to keep it in perspective, it could be so much worse. You all just keep reminding me when I forget! And, of course, this whole experience has had an extremely positive impact on my shoe collection. Let's look at the bright side, cancer+chemo=new shoes.

Its a down week, and I'm so exhausted I can't even explain how exhausted I am. My body feels like it is made of lead and it takes an incredible amount of effort just to do anything. When I wake up in the morning I have to lay there and just think for awhile about getting up because the concept of actually moving is so appalling to me, that I think, why? Why not just lay here for the rest of the day? I mean, really, does anyone really really need anything from me? Probably not. I mean when it comes down to it, I'm not like one of those "essential" Hanford employees or anything. No one would even notice if I stayed in bed all day. Well, except for my dog, she would love it. So I just lay still, contemplating this thought, and listen to the world awaken around me. Then I hear the birds chirping outside my window. I hear the sounds of the morning streaming through, and I think, well maybe, maybe just for today I could haul my butt out of this bed and go through the motions of the day. And, you know what? I might even find that there is something fabulous waiting for me on the other side of getting up. If I can just find the energy to move I would find out that incredible things await me during this day. There are riches to gain that are immeasurable, things beyond my wildest dreams to discover... Or, at the very least, there is still Ben & Jerry's in the freezer to have before bedtime tonight.

And sure enough, here I am. Sitting on my porch on a lovely summer morning. And yeah, I'm still fat, swollen, balding and tired... but I'm here. I have been given another day, another chance to change a life, to say a kind word, to smile at people around me. And they have been given the chance to smile at me. That is reason enough to rise in the morning.

And besides, Mike still thinks I'm beautiful. And that is good enough for me.