The "going's on" in the Taylor household.

I hesitate whether to write about the “goings on” at the Taylor household, but have decided that I set this blog up to share about my journey and I have worked to be honest with what I was thinking and feeling, so honestly is what I am going to continue to provide. Some of you know that my son has had some trouble with the law in the last 18 months and he has been in and out of jail. My parents and I retained an attorney to help him and for the most part he seemed to be doing well, staying out of trouble, complying with the requirements of the court. All that came crashing down yesterday when two US Marshalls and two Sheriff’s Deputies showed up at my house to arrest my son for Failure to Appear. You see, my son has struggled with drug problems, and his cases were put into drug court, but he chose not to comply with the requirements of the court. He was not here when the police came, he had left shortly before, but my house was searched and I had a nice talk with the police about the situation. They did eventually catch up with him yesterday and he is safely ensconced in our county jail as we speak. At first I think, embarrassing, humiliating, oh my gosh, my son is in jail. But then I think some more and I just realize, how sad. How very very heartbreaking. And when I share what is happening I find there are so many people out there with troubled children or siblings, some in jail, some not, but many making bad choices. And it breaks our hearts. I think this may be one of those blessings in disguise. Maybe he’ll finally accept the consequences of his actions and find the help he needs. Maybe he’ll be able to dig down deep within himself and find the strength within him to battle his demons. By sharing, I hope to release my own inner feelings of failure towards my son and perhaps also I can release the stigma of a troubled child, knowing in my heart, I did the best I could with what I had. And if you are the parent of a troubled child, know you did the best you could too.

I think when we are born our lives are set in motion and there is this path that we are going to walk. We may find a few places where we can change our destiny, but who we are and what we are going to be is so ingrained in us, that there is not a lot anyone can do to change the essence of who we were meant to be. I think of all I did to try to help my son and nothing helped, he is who he is and only he can change himself. I cannot do anything to change what he has decided to do with his life. And when you throw alcohol or drugs into a situation, anything can happen and that person becomes even more lost than before. So, now I pray and I sit back and wait and I wonder what will become of him, but know in my heart that it is out of my hands and he is in the hands of God. I was told yesterday that God has no grandchildren, my son is His son, and it grieves Him too to have him in this awful blackness. So, it is time for me to let go and let my son fall into the void of his own making. His choices put him there, only his own choices and actions can release him. And, truth be told, I know parents who don’t even know where their kids are, living on the street, at least I know where he is, that he is relatively safe with a roof over his head and has the possibility of changing his life, if he so chooses. And if he does not, then that is his choice, not mine. I did the best I could with the tools I had.

But Elena (Jessie’s mama) I am so proud of her and she takes such good care of my grandson. At 22 and less than a year on her job at Bank of the West, she has been promoted to Assistant Manager. I see her as a shining star, making positive choices, taking great care of Jessie and providing him with the future that my son cannot and may never provide. I see a lot of me in her, raising my own small children with a husband who provided no assistance, financial or otherwise. I support her and know that she will succeed and pray for the strength to see her through. Single parenting is no picnic. However, she has come through so much in her short life and pulled herself out of the blackness with her own grit and fortitude and she is a strong and beautiful woman. Jessie is lucky to have her as his mama.

As far as me, well, sometimes I cry, sometimes I pray, sometimes I just sit and stare at the place my son used to sleep. And I see him in my minds eye as that little boy, so full of promise or as that adolescent, so full of dreams. And I wonder, where did he go and will we ever find him again. And as much as my heart grieves, I know he is in the place he is supposed to be right now. This is the path he has chosen and this is the journey he will walk. I will love him, always, but in my heart I will have to find a way to let go and give him back to his Father, where he belongs. I have done all I can do.

I have heard from family and friends, how can my soon do this to me with all I am going through. But the truth be told, this is not personal, he is not doing this to me or anyone else. He is doing it to himself. I have to find a way to not let it affect my healing, and turn it into another reson to live. I want to live to see him out and free from the demons that haunt him. So the reality is, he probably just gave me another reason to continue to fight this battle.

So I fight. Together with you all by my side. I’ll fight another day.