I want to grow old.

You might be sick of hearing from me in the last 24 hours, but I wanted to let you all know again how much all the prayers meant to me. I just know I wouldn’t be feeling so crummy today without all of you, thank you! Isn’t that crazy? Really, it means a lot to me to stay on track and I’d rather have only a few more weeks of feeling crummy and kick this cancer out!

I was catching up on my email and I received one from my aunt about the beauty of growing old. I want that. I want my hair to go grey, I want the freedom to retire and sit on my back porch all morning if I want. I want to sing, dance, and laugh with abandon and not care who is watching. I want to not care what I look like in a swimsuit and just swim anyway. I want to grow old and wrinkled and join the red hat society and hang out with other old wrinkly women who don’t care what people think. I want the beauty and wisdom that comes with age. I don’t want to leave this world before my time; I want to eek every last drop out of this existence before I go home to the next. I want to go to my daughter’s graduation and scream her name at the top of my lungs, I want to see her graduate beauty school and college, and watch my dad walk her down the aisle at her wedding. I want to be there when she has her children, and watch those children grow. I want to see my son get out on his own and bring his family together and see my grandson’s first day of school. Watch my grandson graduate from kindergarten and junior high and high school, like my parents got to watch their grandkids.

I want to outlive my parents; I don’t want them to have to every say goodbye to me first. That just wouldn’t be fair to them to lose their daughter. I want to marry the love of my life and grow old and travel the world, going to the opera, museums and sharing our old age together. I want to live long enough to retire from my job, not have to go out on disability because I’m too sick and can’t work anymore.

I’m not ready to face my death yet. It needs to be much much farther in the future than I can look right now. I need it to be 20-30-40 years from now. I have to make it through. There are just too many of us who get taken before our time, and I don’t want to be one of them. I have had a good life so far, it has been full of surprises and love and adventure, but I am just positive there is more of the good life to come. Life is good; I’m not ready to leave it yet.

So I fight. I stand tall in the face of the beast and I fight hard. As I sit in front of my fireplace that I love so much, with my animals by my side and my daughter texting me from school (doesn’t she ever pay attention in class?) I know that my life is still worth living, worth saving, worth fighting for.

So I fight. This battle is not over; the war is far from being won. But I have an army of soldiers who stand beside me and are fighting right along with me. I see that now, I see the power of their strength and their prayers. I am not alone. You have raised me up; the mountain isn’t quite so steep and tall after all. I can make it with all of you on my side.

Thanks for carrying me when I couldn’t walk anymore. You came through when I needed you the most. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled by your love. God sent me angels, lots of them you know who you are!

Love and hope,
Patty