Sunday.

Hope must spring eternal, even in the fall when all looks bleak and dying, hope must still be alive. Because hope is what keeps me going. Hope for healing, hope for a cure, hope for my son, hope for a better day. Hope. Four little letters, huge implications in my life.

As I start my day with my dogs at my side, begging for treats, of course, and a fire in the fireplace, I realize how beautiful my life is, I ache for the things that grieve me and rejoice in the wonderful things that abound. I know that some people will judge me by the actions of my son, and for those people, well I am sorry for you. For God not only commands us not to judge each other (is it not “he without sin may cast the first stone”) we are all God’s children and do you judge God for the waywardness of His own children? Does it not grieve Him greatly to watch all of us go astray in one way or another? Has He not done all He can for us, just as parents we do all we can with our children? But still, they turn into adults and live their own lives apart from our lives, our dreams, our hopes, our own values? And we help them all we are able; we provide the best assistance and direction that we know how, but they are their own person and make their own choices. Do not judge the parent for the child, no more than you would judge the child for the parent. Grieve for the loss and pray for the future. That is all we can do. People like my son are not unredeemable, they are simply lost.

I keep plowing ahead and look forward to my day. My grandson and Elena are coming over for lunch and a concert this afternoon. Battelle is sponsoring a children’s concert, woodwinds and flutes, and we are going to take Jessie. I think he’ll enjoy it, he loves music, and if he doesn’t, oh well, we will leave. I don’t know if I’ll see Jessie as much now with Houston no longer living here, so I will have to work harder to make a conscious effort to make dates with him and make sure he stays in my life. I am lucky to have a great relationship with Elena and know that she will always let us be a part of that beautiful little boy’s days. I hope she moves on, both she and my grandson deserve so much better than my son is willing or able to give.

As for my health, I am weak and tired and can definitely feel the affects of the chemo. I was up and down a lot last night, which is typical for the first few nights after chemo, and awoke early with some severe stomach pains, quickly alleviated by some Zophran. My body and joints ache, but not as bad as they will in another week, I’m at the beginning of the cycle so the affects aren’t quite as bad as they will be a week from now after another dose. My job now is to keep my counts up so I can have that next dose. I have tried to be very wise and not do too much and rest a lot, eat well, do my walking and yoga. I bought groceries yesterday with lots of high iron, high protein foods. This next round is critical with my CT scan only over a week away.

I must also keep healthy for an upcoming trip to San Diego. There is a business trip with the board every year and this year we are going to the Hotel del Coronado, which is one of my favorite places in the world. In January, my family was going to do a cruise, but with the uncertainty of my health and my lack of vacation time by January (it will be gone) we decided not to go. Instead, my mother and daughter will be accompanying me to San Diego; we are going down one day early to see my aunt and tourist about a bit and enjoy each other’s company. I am excited for the trip but concerned about my health holding up. I am fully aware that if this round is as hard on me as the last, I may not be up for the trip. So it has become doubly important that I stay healthy, I want this time with the two most important women in my life, my mother and my daughter.

Keep me in your prayers, as well as my family. For as hard as it is to go through all this personally, I know my parents heart breaks for their grandson and worries for their daughter and my daughter misses her brother and is frightened for her mom. May God comfort them and give them the peace that passes all understanding.