I HATE CANCER

I hate cancer. I hate it. I hate the way it makes you feel and the way that it systematically steals away your regular life. I'm tired. I'm so incredibly tired. All I want to do is sleep, and I'm at work, so that makes me want to cry because I want to be at work, I want to be doing MY life. I don't want to be at home sleeping because my platelets and blood counts are so low that my body can't keep running. I am so angry over this. I work hard to stay very positive, and I still am, I have no doubt I'll beat this stupid frickin cancer, but the anger is there today. Its burning in my belly. Anger. Pure, unadulterated anger. How DARE this cancer take pieces of me and my life away. How DARE this cancer threatened to take away that which I hold most dear, the time with the love of my life, Mike, my daughter, my grandson, my son, my family, my friends. How DARE it even enter into my life and take away any of my precious time!! How DARE IT INDEED! I HATE CANCER!!!

Thanks for listening to my tirade. I need to get this out. I will use this anger to fight this battle. I will turn the anger against the blackness inside me and force it out. The cancer will not win, it is a sneaky and cruel nemesis, but it is in for a hell of a surprise. It messed with the wrong girl this time. I am a determined person, I do what I set out to and this cancer has no chance against me. I think its okay to feel this way. I think its part of the process. I want to yell and scream and kick the wall (although because my platelet's are so low I'd probably ended up in the emergency room!). I want to scream at the top of my lungs THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!!! I know the platitudes, life if not fair, but it still pisses me off! Why????? Why do I have to walk this road? I know there is a reason, I know that something good will come of this, but its such a hard road. Its so exhausting. Couldn't God have found a different way for me to learn whatever lesson He is going to teach me? Why why why????

I don't think our little human brains can understand the complexities of this world. God knows whats going on and I know there is something bigger and better for me out there, but for now, I'm just tired and angry. And that's okay. I've thrown my little temper tantrum and now I feel better. Thanks for joining me and thanks for listening. Together, we will get furious and beat this ugly disease.

But to end this blog up a little lighthearted and funny, because I never want to leave you in a dark or unhappy place, you should know that tired people drive slow. So when you see me on the highway and I'm only going 45 in a 60, please don't flip me off and call me an idiot. I'm just tired. Mike said he's going to get me a cotton sundress and a little hat, so people will just say, awwww..... its just a little old lady.