Middle of the night ponderings.

Another sleepless night. Last night I was walking the dog at 2am, tonight I thought maybe I'd write a little. My body aches something terrible and I guess I could take a sleeping pill, but then I won't be able to get up and go to work in a few hours. I don't know if I mentioned it but this part time thing isn't really working so well for me!! I have tried to condense my 50-60 hour work week into three days while training someone to help me. In what world does that EVEN begin to work? I know it will get better, we had 5 major meetings last week and 5 this week, plus Deana's diagnosis, and to try to do training in there just doesn't seem to fit. I am still there 10-12 hours a day on each of my three days and feel like I'm getting so little done. Next week won't be so bad with only one major meeting and I'm hoping Wendy and I can spend some serious time getting the work caught up. I made a major oversight at work last week, something I have never done in my 7.5 years there and it really devastated me. Everyone was so awesome and no one was upset but me, but I felt I'd really let my board members and management down. So, I have to find a way to make this work. I don't want my board members and management team to even have to question or worry if something is going to be done or done differently, so I am trying to put a good plan in place. The fall out of a major illness is certainly widespread.

Since I couldn't sleep, I wrote a poem. I feel like my life has been derailed. I was bumping along, going in the right direction, my happily ever after just around the corner. And BAM, the whole damn thing has been changed. I don't know about tomorrow, or next week, or next year anymore. I don't supposed we ever really do anyway, but the cancer really brings that home. You truly don't know what is going to happen. Will I get sicker? Will I get well? Will I be able to go to work tomorrow, the next day? Am I going to be here to watch my daughter graduate high school? Am I going to watch my son graduate from college? Watch my grandson start kindergarten? Am I going to get to marry the man of my dreams? And although none of us truly know the answers to those questions with or without cancer, the cancer just seems to make the questions more real. More genuine. There is this blackness growing inside you and you can only do what you can do, the rest is completely out of your hands. I just pray and pray and hope and believe. That's all I can do. I suppose that's all any of us can really do. Keep the faith, even when faith seems to be the hardest thing to have.

I dream of the day with no more fear
No more sadness, No more tears.
I dream of the day, of yesterday
Where life was easy and I was on my way.
Down the road of happiness, I remember heading there
Bumping along so merrily with nary a little care.
My happily ever after firmly within my grasp
The turn came very suddenly and it was ripped right from my clasp.
Happiness and joy were abundant and my cup just overflowed
And now I sit and wonder where the hell I’m gonna go.
But I know I’m on a path to lead me God knows where
I will just have to learn to trust, let Him be in charge of my affairs.
For I am sure where He is leading I have no choice but to go
So why hold back and fight it? Does the path require I know?
I must have the faith to follow wherever he will lead
He has never let me down before God will give me all I need.
I just need to keep on walking my happily ever after is still there!
It has just move a different direction; my life with him someday I’ll share!
I’m confident of God's promise of the life he will impart
I will keep the faith alive in me, His words are in my heart.

Be well my friends and keep the faith.