This has been a rough week. Peyton got her tonsils out on Monday morning and I saw Dr. Rado on Monday afternoon. He confimred that I have a recurrence of triple negative breast cancer which has metasticized to both lungs. He has a regimen of chemo already set out, Day 1 I take Carbo Platin and Gemzar, Day 8 I take just the Gemzar and Day 15 I rest. So its a three week cycle. I was hoping to get into clinical trial that has shown great promise with my type of cancer but it doesn't start for two weeks and given the aggressiveness of the cancer, Dr. Rado simply doesn't want to wait, nor do I.
Monday night was a hard night, up every few hours with Peyton, she is just in so much pain. Tuesday wasn't much better, but I was down resting and eating protein and veggies getting ready for my PET scan on Wednesday. I got the call from Rado's office that my medi-port placement was also scheduled for Wednesday at 9am. Mom and dad came and cooked dinner for me and watered my 197 plants (ok, not really but that's what my father says) they walked my dog and took real good care of us. I got a little sleep and was only up with Peyton twice.
Wednesday I started with at PET scan at 7am and then they put the port in at about 10 in the cath lab. Both procedures went well, except that this medi-port goes through my neck and down to my heart artery so my neck is really sore. I have a massive bruise on my chest. Chemo starts tomorrow, so I have a feeling its going to be very sore when its time to access the port!
Peyton has been so sick tonight. My poor baby. She is running a low grade fever, her throat is killing her, her stomach is upset. I just don't know what to do to help her. I feel so helpless. I guess this is in preparation for how people I love will feel when I am sick. Its so hard to watch those you love so much be sick and you can't take it away. I would take her pain in a second if I could. But that is just not an option. So I stay close and watch her and do all I can.
I hope to get a little sleep tonight, I need all the rest I can do be ready to face Chemo at 9am. I am scared. No way around it. Accessing that port is going to hurt and I don't know what these drugs are going to do to me. Mike has meetings but he is supposed to meet me there in time. I hope so, I just don't think I can face it by myself. Mom and dad will stay with Peyton and I am worried about her, she is so sick I think her mama should be here with her.
I'm trying to keep my attitude good, but am feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. Cancer just doesn't fit in with my life. I have too much to do and too many things to take care of. I am a mom, damn it, and it pisses me off that I can't focus 100% on my daughter this week. Is she gorgeous or what??
